FOREWORD ~ THIS BLOG CONTAINS HOMOSEXUAL STORIES WITH EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

J ~ Jailbreak

Ever since I was a kid, I am already aware that I prefer men more than women. The image of a muscular body entices my senses much greater than the feminine physique. However, I have yet to acknowledge it during my pre-teen years, thinking that I was just undergoing a phase, and that someday, I would still lead the life of a straight guy. I was nearing young adulthood when I had an epiphany. I should stop categorizing myself as a bisexual, and I should begin to accept that I am gay. I realized I would never get turned on by pechays; a juicy cock is what I only desire. However, after my realization, I had some thoughts, or rather a couple of questions for myself. Now that I know I'm 100% gay, who should I talk to? Who would understand and accept the real me? When should I do it?

Who to run first but to your friends, right? Though in my case, I came out first to my cousins. Of course I chose the ones I'm closest to, those who would surely not make a big deal out of it. I revealed it to 4 of my cousins, 1 girl and 3 boys (including Jude), one night on 2008, while we were having shots of brandy. Their reactions? Nothing violent. They didn't mind much. Afterwards, I've gotten much more relaxed in their presence, and I've gotten much closer to them, especially the girl, whom I share my relationship problems nowadays.

Next were the 2 people who I consider my best friends. I've known them since high school. I remember feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiety with the idea of them finding out my true rainbow colors. First is Lanie, a very tall and intelligent woman with a big body frame. In spite of her pretty face, she's having a hard time finding true love. I don't know why, but I'm sure there's nothing wrong with her. She learned the truth from me on 2009, before my revelation to Mary Jane. Her reaction? She knew it all along; she just needed a confirmation. She advised me to come clean to MJ, since it would be very unfair to her. Well, you know what happened. Second is Rey, a short, skinny, and slightly vain guy. We were having a drink when I came out to him on 2011, during the time I already have my sixth boyfriend. His reaction? Nothing much. He was sporting a poker face while I was telling him I'm gay and that I currently have a partner. I know he understood it; he just needed some time to process what he heard. After a year, he came out too, much to my slight surprise, so I also gave him the best poker face I can show.

The last person I came out to was my mom. Also on 2011, one day while having lunch, I told her all about it. Her response? She was a bit shocked, though she was expecting it. She asked me things regarding my future plans, like if I will still build my own family and if I am just undergoing a phase were among other things. I felt she's somehow disappointed. She also asked me if I would also tell it to my father. I said not that soon. I will talk to him once I am ready, and once all my 3 younger siblings had grown up, because I know that once my father finally discovered, my siblings and all of my relatives will learn of it as well. She agreed and told me that even though I am like this, she still loves me no matter what. I gave her the biggest smile and the warmest hug I could give.

2 years have passed, and things are going well. Most of my relatives in my maternal side, the ones who are open-minded, already know of my homosexuality, and they don't mind, while my paternal side, the conservative ones, still don't have an inkling (though I think my grandfather knows, but that's another story).

My father already asked me 4 times, starting last year, if I am gay. Of course, I always said no, like a government official perpetually denying their corrupt ways. But he would still insist, so my mom often butts in to my rescue, telling him to leave me alone. Then he would give me a look that says, "Di pa tayo tapos ha." And I would just laugh and flash him my toothiest smile.

I can also feel that my 3 younger brothers already know. But they still love and respect me; nothing has changed with the way they treat and look at me. They are still warm and brotherly. So I guess I wouldn't have a problem with them later on.

Lanie recently became single again, her last relationship didn't work out. She's now my fag hag. Rey, on the other hand, is happy and contented in his 3 year relationship with someone he met way back in college. He will soon open a printing shop with his boyfriend as his business partner.

Lastly, my mom doesn't fail to regularly remind me to keep things safe. She's aware of the diseases one can get when engaging in homosexual activities. I would just brush her off by assuring her that I am a decent, and to stop worrying about me because I know what's good from what's bad. Still, she wouldn't stop, which always bring a smile to my face. Well, I like being pampered.

But, and that's a pretty big 'but', even if I completely come out to all the important people in my life, I will still be straight-acting. You see, I am not comfortable of being an effem, though I enjoy their company. I have a strong belief that when someone comes out, there is a tendency that he might advance further to the path of effeminancy. Fortunately for me, being manly is the natural movement of my body; I don't need to exert effort. Even at work, where most closeted gays show their real selves, I am discreet. I never came out to a colleague. I believe that it was unnecessary, since I am not there to find life-long friends but only to do my job.

Coming out can make others cringe in their seats, they can't imagine their real selves exposed to the scrutiny of the people they know. Others desire it, having dreams of themselves in a situation where all the people they care about has finally accepted them; they long for the idea that they can move freely sans the discrimination. Nonetheless, one should only came out when he is finally ready. He shouldn't be forced or pressured if the time is not right for him. Otherwise, there are people who might get hurt in the process.

Most of us will eventually have a coming out story, and some already have one, while others don't even need one. Others would just need to confirm what their loved ones already know but afraid to ask, while the revelation of some would be a huge shock for their significant others. Nonetheless, there is one thing an individual can benefit from coming out: the long-awaited escape from the closet, or the homosexual jail, where we are pressured to hide in by the society's norms and discrimination.

24 comments:

  1. I never had problems coming out. I believe my closet is made of glass and coming out is not much of a big deal.

    But despite of it, coworkers did ask. Just to confirm their suspicions. I usually tell them the truth but I only picked two to tell secrets to. I don‘t want them to see that I‘m only gay. It‘s just one part of my aspect and they may fail to see it because of my sexuality.

    I never confirmed it to my family though. They usually look the other way when the topic is touched. Parang nakakahiya kumbaga.

    Anyway, I‘m glad you‘re out of your prison. Go spread the love. :)

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    1. Thanks for sharing that FSOQ. :)

      Ayaw ko talaga na may makaalam sa workplace ko. Mahirap na, ayaw ko makaranas ng discrimination sa work ko. Hindi naman lahat ng magiging katrabaho, masusukat mo ang takbo ng wavelength sa utak. *hehe*

      Ah... Well, I hope ganon man ang family mo, sana hindi nila ikaw kayang ikahiya sa ibang tao.

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    2. Haiy. Mahirap kapag sa workplace. Minsan may mga bastos na pangaasar sa likod mo. Un kasi tingin nila sa gays. Na puro sex lang nasa isip.

      That‘s your advantage for being straight acting. and i agree na di mo kailangan maging effeminate kapag nakapagcomeout ka na. Di naman un ang nagdidikta ng sekswalidad mo e. :)

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    3. Tama, di mo din maiiwasan ang mga abusive workmates.

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    4. Mas di ako apektado sa workplace kesa sa inner society ko. Kumbaga pakielam ko sa sasabihin nila ganun. May time nga na di ako namamansin sa office ng isang taon eh. as in office trabaho kain ng lunch trabaho uli then uwi na. dedma ako di ako nagpaliwanag kung bakit ayaw ko mamansin so dedma din sila. Iba kasi sakin ang workplace sa friends as in "friends" talaga eh. May barrier ang officemate ko. kumbaga hanggang dito lang sila hindi na sila pwede lumagpas.

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    5. Wow, ikaw na Nomad. *hehe* Siguro applicable yan dun sa mga work na hindi kelangan masyado ng interaction sa mga kasama, or kung meron man e professional at civil na lang sa iba.

      Yung iba kasi nakakalimutan na trabaho ang pinunta nila don, at hindi hanging out with friends.

      Pero depende na lang siguro sa isang bakla at sa comfort level nya kung paano siya kikilos sa workplace. :)

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    6. Hhhmmm... yeah! It varies depending on the scenario

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  2. interesting entry. cheers to you *big smile*

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  3. nice.

    well ako pakiramdam ko hindi ko na kailangang magout sa pamilya ko.
    nararamdaman ko na alam naman nila.

    haha uy parang magandang iyon ang i-blog ko sa susunod. ang aking coming out by not coming out. lol

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    1. Sige aabangan ko yang another witty entry mo ha! :3

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  4. Nice to read about your coming out story :) Sweet how your mom deflects your dads inquiries :)

    Mine is unfinished, I only have come out to friends, some cousins and my sister. To the parents, I'm juts waiting to be asked :)

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    1. Thanks Zai. Well, they are a funny couple. My father still can't take the hint that I'm gay. I'm girlfriend-less for the last 4 years already, for God's sake!

      Maybe they already know and there's no need to ask? :)

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  5. I came out flaming very young, so ako makarelate medyo. I always knew I was 100% gay. Most my relatives and family accept it, the one's the don't: I really don't care. I respect them but that is as far as it goes. We all come out in out own time.

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  6. Wow. Tuwing natatapos ako magbasa ng entry mo, napapahanga talaga ako - sa kwento mo, kung pano ito pedeng maiugnay sa buhay ng ibang tao pati na kung paano mo ito isinulat. Hindi sayang yung oras magbasa. Nakakaabang talaga yung mga susunod na kwento :)

    Ako naman napapaligiran ng babae sa buhay. Kaya minsan napapagkamalan nilang pagkamalamya yung pagkamasayahin ko. Ang ginagawa ko na lang, lumalabas ako kasama ng mga tropa kong lalaki para pambalanse lang.

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    1. Maraming salamat sa mga mabubuting salita Mamon. Nakakataba ng puso at nakakainspire lalo. Lalo ko pa pagbubutihin ang pagsusulat. :)

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  7. hmmmnnn... ang bilis mo magsulat... hala...letter K ka na... hindi ako makahabol!

    hmmmnn... nice to know how you came out... ako walang ganito... straight ako eh...lol

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    Replies
    1. Sorry lang Senyor. :P

      Di nga, straight ka talaga? *hehe*

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    2. may 'lol' diba? mapagpatol lang? hehehe... maaadik ba 'ko sa blog mo if I am?

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    3. Sorry, medyo gullible kasi ako Senyor. :P

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  8. Brave are those who come out to others and their family. Society had been much nicer to everyone so those who still live in the past needs to see that it is not the sexual preference of a person that is important, nor the colour of our skin, nor our status in life. Naging makatao ba tayo?, yes, and that's better. Did we do something to make ourselves worth as a person?, then we lived our lives.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for this wonderful comment Jonathan. :) I couldn't agree more.

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  9. such a progressive type of coming out.. alam na alam mo kung sino ang uunahin mo sa kanilang sabihan..

    cheers!

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    Replies
    1. Once a person comes out, usually sunod sunod na. :)

      Cheers!

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