Saturday, November 22, 2014

Where The Road Forked

The ride home had been spent in complete silence. We traveled by bus, Ace occupying the seat beside the window while I sat next to the aisle. He kept staring outside most of the time, only looking at me twice: once while paying the fare and the other while finally getting off at our stop. Then, we walked towards his house in the same manner. It was extremely unsettling.

All the while, in my mind, I was lost in my own thoughts, exerting my brain to give me a solution to the problem currently in front of me. I forced Uno out of my consciousness, and tried to focus on who is with me at the moment. Things should already be over between Uno and me, so there's no point for him to linger in my mind any longer. I must make it up to Ace. I have to fix this new rift that I made. After turning my back on Uno, I couldn't bear to lose Ace too. It wasn't my intention to continue on empty-handed.

As soon as we entered the house, Ace threw himself at me, kissing me torridly with much heat and passion. I returned the intimacy with the same intensity. In a matter of seconds, we were already naked, our sweaty bodies on top of each other. His tongue wandered thirstily, licking everything he could reach. I squirmed uncontrollably when he reached my nipples, sucking them like there's no tomorrow. By the time his mouth had enclosed my rock-hard cock, my moans were overflowing with ecstasy. That moment, we became wild animals with all inhibitions lowered. His intense longing for my flesh was evident with the way he made love to me. 2 weeks of not being able to see each other overtook the stress that we were currently facing. We lost ourselves in each other's embrace.

After the ardent foreplay, he went on top of me, straddling my crotch, my dick already lubricated with his saliva. He kissed me again as he began to move up and down. I could feel his warmness as I slid in and out of him effortlessly, his hole hungrily devouring my length. The sensation was all too familiar. We changed positions. Ace went down on all fours, I rode him and fucked his brains out dog-style. I hugged him from the back, kissing and licking his ears and neck as I pumped my cock deep in his ass. In minutes, I was depositing my seed inside him. Our moans rose in unison as he felt my warm juice exploding in his hole. I could easily say that it is one of the hottest fucks we've ever had. Knocking us out, it drained all the remaining energy we have for that day. We fell in deep slumber soon after, arms around each other, not bothering to clean up.

We awoke hours later, still naked and entwined in each other's embrace. Ace smiled at me, kissed me, and whispered, "I love you very much, Sep. More than you think you know..."

Pain shot through my heart. I just stared at him, unable to answer. I was unsure of myself, but Ace ignored that and still continued to give me that warm smile. The moment was becoming unbearable, so I remove myself from our intimate embrace, got off the bed, and went straight to the bathroom without looking back. I opened the shower and drowned myself in the cold water, too numb to feel anything else. Ace followed and we bathed together in silence. I finished first, dried myself up, donned a fresh pair of shirt and boxers, and went downstairs to watch T.V. in the living room.

I dozed off while waiting for Ace to finish. When I opened my eyes, he's already sitting beside me, the T.V. was turned off. Deep concern was painted on his face.

"Are you okay, Sep? You look troubled kanina," he asked. He stroked the left side of my face and fixed my hair.

I looked at him straight and said, "Ace, kanina kasi... Kanina habang nagse-sex tayo..."

"Ano 'yun?" he said with bated breath.

"Kanina, habang ginagawa natin lahat ng 'yun, mukha ni Uno ang nasa isip ko... Mukha niya yung lumalabas sa tuwing pipikit ako..." I admitted, extremely ashamed. "I think may ibig sabihin 'yun, Ace..."

"So what's on your mind?" he asked. He was trying to keep his composure, but I know that, deep inside him, it was like a thousand knives have pierced him simultaneously.

"Naalala mo ba yung sinabi ko kanina about dun sa pag-iyak ko kila Kim? The one I consider as the worst cry I had so far?"


"Nung una, akala ko kaya ako umiiyak ng ganon ay dahil sa hindi kami pwedeng magkatuluyan ni Uno. Dahil nanghihinayang ako sa kanya. Pero ngayon, na-realize ko na 'yung totoong dahilan, Ace," I said. "I cried like that because of two things... 'Yung una ay dahil sa galit na galit ako sa sarili ko... Galit ako kasi, deep inside, alam kong masasaktan kita. After all you've done for me, you don't deserve the pain that I'm giving you right now...

"Pangalawa, kasi napagtanto ko na... Na..."

I paused, taking a deep breath. I have to say it. I must be brave. This is it. There's no turning back after this.

"Ace, napagtanto ko na hindi na kita mahal kagaya nung first half ng relationship natin..."

He moved his hands away from me. "Gaano ka kasigurado na 'yan talaga ang nararamdaman mo, Sep? How can you be so sure? Baka naman nabibigla ka lang..."

"Kasi nung hinalikan ako ni Uno, wala akong naramdamang guilt pagkatapos... Di gaya nung may nangyari sa amin ni JP, na nakaramdam ako agad ng guilt habang ginagawa namin mismo yung kasalanan. And yung kiss namin ni Uno, wala ni isang patak ng guilt. At it also crossed my mind na ilihim sa'yo 'yung nangyari—alam mo naman kung gaano ako ka-honest sa'yo, di ba? I cried because I know that these feelings signify something serious, something bad..."

Ace remained quiet. He was staring at the floor now, fresh tears flowing down his face again.

"Yung affair with JP, I think that's the earliest sign of my falling out of love with you. Pero dahil sa natatakot akong mawala sa akin yung mga kung anong meron tayo, dahil sa natakot akong maging mag-isa ulit, I begged for a second chance, not thinking that my love for you is not as strong as it was before. Forgive me, Ace. Forgive me for not telling you sooner..." I continued.

He cried and cried and cried that afternoon. My heart and my guts twisted inside me with every sob from Ace. I watched him helplessly as he broke down into pathos. After half an hour, he cried some more, and I just sat there beside him, trying to soak myself all his despair. I wallowed in the sounds of his pain until I, myself, was already crying as well. Our voices synced and created a heartbreaking symphony. We cried and cried and cried into exhaustion. We let all our tears out 'til we can no longer produce them.

More than an hour later, Ace finally spoke. His voice was calm; his face, soft and caring. "Sep, sa mga sinabi mo, klaro na ang lahat. Now, you'd have to make a decision. Si Uno ba o ako? Sino ang gusto mong nasa buhay mo mula ngayon?"

I was stunned with what I heard, and it must have been evident in my face.

"C'mon Sep, alam kong nung isang araw mo pa iniisip 'yan. You'll have to make this decision later, if not soon. No one can love two people with the same intensity at the same time. Alam mo 'yan. There can be only one, Sep... I'm giving you one week to decide. Siguro naman enough na 'yun. When you leave here, I want to you to start thinking. Think hard, Geosef. I trust you'll choose who you think is the right one..." he said. I sensed some doubt in his voice, but I know that he was trying to be brave.

I believe this is the most difficult fork I have encountered in my life so far. Is there such a thing as a 'right one'? Fuck. Please kill me instead.

To be continued...

Saturday, November 1, 2014

When To Tell The Truth

"Asawa kooooo! I missed you so much!" Ace squealed upon seeing me. He was beaming from ear to ear, his excitement resonating out of him. I returned his smile but weakly. We hugged, feeling the intensity of his longing from the tightness of his embrace. His warmness only intensified my guilt.

He must've seen it in my face because he asked, "Are you okay? Para kang namatayan ah... Di ka ba excited na makita ako ulit?"

"Of course I'm excited. Pero kasi..." I hesitated. I drew a deep breath, gathering up the courage I need. "Can we talk, Ace? May kailangan akong sabihin sa'yo."

His enthusiasm faded in an instant, being replaced with worry. "Is there something wrong?"

"Pwede ba tayong mag-usap someplace else? 'Wag dito."

He gave me a weird look. "Sure... Let's have lunch while you're telling it. Magta-tanghali na rin naman."

We hailed a cab going to SM Mall of Asia. During the ride, he reached for my hand to hold it, but he remained quiet. I guess I was lucky that he chose not to talk, because in my head, I was busy trying to construct my thoughts, racking my brains to decide how to tell him everything that had happened in his absence. I could feel his anxiety from his grasp, and it was unnerving. When we arrive, we chose Yoshinoya since it was the first restaurant we saw; both of us had already lost our appetite anyway. After getting our orders, we occupied the table in the farthest corner. We didn't want anyone to be eavesdropping. Fortunately, the place wasn't that much crowded.

"So Sep... What's going on?"

I couldn't look at him directly due to apprehension. It was like experiencing once more the events of March 2013. It's hard to believe the possibility of it happening again, yet there we were.

"Kasi Ace, this is actually about Uno..." I began. I could feel my body slightly shaking, unsure if because of the temperature of the room or because of the nerve-wracking tension inside me. "Remember him? Yung kinuwento ko noong isang araw."

"Yeah, 'yung crush mo? What about him?"

"Yes," I said. "Ace, I think... I think I'm already in love with him." There was no way I could say it without hurting him, so I just let it out. "I'm sorry, Ace... I know this will make you angry."

Ace didn't answer. He just held his gaze at me, reading my movements. His face was unfathomable.

"Hindi ako galit. Confused, oo." he said after several minutes of silence. "Sep, sigurado ka na bang 'yan talaga ang nararamdaman mo? Baka naman nabibigla ka lang?"

"I dunno. Tingin ko oo."

"But how? Twice mo pa lang naman siya nakasama, di ba? Nung party na pinuntahan mo at nung niyaya ka niya manood ng movie. Mahal mo na siya agad after that?" he quizzed. I could hear the sudden rise of emotion in his voice.

"Ang totoo kasi niyan, hindi lang 'yun 'yung times na nakita ko siya. Marami pang beses," I confessed. "Hindi ko lang nasabi sa'yo..."

"What? Are you kidding me?" he said, incredulous.

"Let me explain, please..." I asked. "I will tell you everything."

He looked pale now, his face was being drained of its color. I remembered the bright smile he had earlier at the airport. I would give up everything at that moment just for it to appear again. If I had only kept my mouth shut, then maybe we were enjoying a lunch full of "I love you's" and "I miss you's" instead of that depressing scenario. We could've been happy at that time. But I'm not that kind of guy, enjoying something that I don't deserve in the first place. I could never, in my conscience, live a lie, especially if it's someone else's heart that is at stake. Ace had the right to know the truth, so I'm giving it to him.

I told Ace all the things he was unaware of until then: the several drinking sessions Uno and I had with our common friends, Uno's confession regarding with his own feelings towards me as a reaction to my New Year's post, the agreement Uno and I made about our feelings with each other, and the supposedly back-to-work final party at Kim's.

"Nasa sofa kami. Alone. Nasa kwarto sa itaas 'yung mga kasama namin, nagpapakalasing. Kami ni Uno medyo tipsy lang, kasi alam namin na kailangan naming mag-usap ng maayos. First, I said sorry to him kasi nagkaroon ako ng feelings sa kanya. Na dapat bilang someone na in a relationship na, dapat pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. Dapat hindi na siguro ako nag-post at hinayaan ko na lang mawala. Parang lalo lang kasing tumindi nung umamin ako..." I said. My throat was getting dry and kinda sore. The kind of soreness whenever you're forcing yourself not to cry.

"Then, siya naman 'yung nag-sorry. Humingi siya ng tawad kasi alam naman niyang may karelasyon ako. Sorry daw kung nakakagulo pa siya. Alam naman daw niya na wala siyang magagawa, pero hindi niya pinigilan 'yung sarili niya na makasama ulit ako. Tapos ayun, bigla na siyang humagulgol. Isinandal niya 'yung ulo niya sa lap ko, tapos niyakap niya ko dito sa bewang. Palagi na lang daw siya nasasaktan, gusto na lang niya iiyak lahat ng sakit. Hinaplos ko siya sa ulo at likod sa awa ko sa kanya. Ilang minuto rin siguro 'yun...

"Then nagulat na lang ako nung bigla siya ulit umupo. Hinawakan niya yung magkabilang pisngi ko, inilapit sa mukha niya... Hinalikan ako... At hindi ko siya pinigilan, Ace..."

Tears began to flow down his cheeks. I could see that Ace was doing his best to prevent them from falling, but after hearing what I just revealed, he was no longer able to maintain his composure. I looked down in deep shame.

"I am very sorry, Ace. Sobra. Sorry... Please, please forgive me," I said.

"How was the kiss?"


"How was it? 'Yung halik niya, Sep... Masarap ba ha?"

The solemn moment flashed back in my mind. The feel of his lips pressed against mine, his tongue softly exploring my mouth, the warmth of his breath—I could still remember all of it vividly. The kiss was careful but endearing. Definitely a kiss one will have a hard time forgetting. But all I could tell Ace was, "It-it was... Passionate..."

"Fuck..." he swore. "Why Geosef?"

I let him cry silently, giving him time to manage his emotions. He didn't mind if ever someone would see him in that state, so I decided not to care as well. He stopped after a few minutes, wiping his face rather vigorously before looking at me again.

"Meron pa ba?"

I wished I could say the opposite when he asked me that. That there was nothing more to say. That that was already everything. But fate wouldn't let me have it; unfortunately, there's still more.

"We broke off, and we just hugged each other after that, hanggang sa bumaba 'yung isa naming kasama. Kailangan na raw kasi umuwi. Kaya naisipan na rin sumabay ni Uno, kasi nga ihahatid pa niya ang tatay niya sa airport. Kaya sinamahan namin silang dalawa hanggang sa sakayan ng trike... Sobrang lungkot ang naramdaman ko that time, Ace. Alam ko kasi na 'yun na ang last naming pagkikita. Parang ayaw ko pa na umuwi siya. Grabe ang pigil ko sa pag-iyak kasi kasama naming naglalakad 'yung iba.

"Nung nakaalis na 'yung siya, biglang umagos 'yung mga luha ko. Hindi ko na talaga kinaya. Napayakap ako kay Kim habang umiiyak, doon sa tabi ng daan. Buti na lang at past midnight na 'yun kaya walang tao. Hanggang sa paglalakad pauwi, humahagulgol ako. Para akong tanga.

"Tumigil na ako nung makabalik kami sa bahay ni Kim. Umakyat sila ulit sa taas para ipagpatuloy ang pag-inom, pero nagpaiwan muna ako sa ibaba. Umupo ako ulit sa sofa. Nung naalala ko 'yung naging conversation namin ni Uno, pati yung halik niya, napaiyak ulit ako. This time mas malakas. Wala na akong pakialam halos kung maririnig ako ng kapitbahay ni Kim. Malamang rinig din ako sa itaas pero hinayaan lang nila ako. Para akong nag-concert, Ace. Atungol na yata halos yung ginawa ko. Sa tingin ko, inabot ako ng around 15 minutes sa paghagulgol. Dire-diretso 'yun. Ang tagal... I think 'yun na yata ang pinakamalalang iyak ko sa buong buhay ko," I recounted. I was in near tears myself by the time I finished.

The way Ace was looking at me, I could see pain, anger, and pity. It was breaking my heart further, one little crack at a time.

"Walang ibang dapat sisihin kung hindi ako. Hindi ikaw, hindi rin si Uno. Tinago ko sa'yo ang mga bagay-bagay kaya lumala. Kung naging totoo lang sana ako agad sa'yo, eh di sana napigilan mo ako agad," I continued. "Hindi rin pwedeng sisihin si Uno kasi wala naman siyang ginawang actions for this to happen. He never flirted with me. 'Yung mga conversations and interactions namin before ako umamin ay puro casual at friendly lang. Never naging intimate. Walang kahit anong pang-aakit...

"Kaya naman ang lungkot-lungkot ko since New Year, Ace. Alam ko kasi sa sarili ko na kasalanan ko ang lahat kung bakit umabot sa ganito. I did this to myself, sa kalandian ko. And worse, nandamay pa ako ng ibang tao. Makakasakit pa ko ng iba, particularly someone who truly loves me..."

With tears now in my eyes, I stared at Ace, wanting to make sure that he understood who I was referring to.

"It pains me so much knowing that I would hurt you again... Pinag-isipan kong mabuti if aaminin ko ba sa'yo ang lahat ng nangyari. Since nag-decide naman kami ni Uno na itigil kung ano ang meron kami, inisip ko na hindi mo na kailangan malaman. To spare you the pain. Kaso hindi kaya ng konsensya ko, Ace. Halos hindi ako makatulog sa kakaisip. Hindi ako mapakali, knowing na nagsinungaling ako sa'yo ng whereabouts ko ng ilang beses. Hindi kaya ng konsensya ko na wala kang alam..."

He managed to smile amid the tension. "You have always been honest to me, Sep. That is the best thing about you..." He let out a deep sigh. "So... What should we do about this?"

I tried to smile back, but failed. I was dreading what he would say next as sadness reigned on his face once again.

"Well, I think we've had a good run, Sep. I believe we've made each other happy these past three years. Maybe kaya nangyari ang mga ito, we are being told that what we have is already enough..."

I thought I'm already prepared for that blow, but I was wrong. I felt suddenly afraid. I feared the thought of losing him, of not having him in my life. The thought of me being alone as quick as that frightened me immensely. I reached for his hand in panic.

"Ace, please no... Don't be too rash. 'Wag ngayon. 'Wag dito... I don't think kaya ko. Please," I begged, wide-eyed.

He stared at me long and hard, studying me with his watery eyes. After what seemed like an eternity, he switched his gaze to his food and began attacking it. "Kainin na natin ang mga 'to. Tapos uwi muna tayo..."

To be continued...
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