X ~ Xenodochial Mistake

I stopped using PlanetRomeo after Ace and I became a couple; I had no more reason to continue because I already found what I was looking for. However, on February earlier this year, I made a new account.

I told Ace that I would only like to look at the profiles and to have some nice, clean chat with other users. His out of the country trips were becoming longer, so I was getting bored at times. He didn't really mind it since he's not a jealous person; he had complete trust in me. Little did I know that this would be a very big mistake.

A month later, after scouring interesting profiles, talking to several users, I found someone who stood out. It was JP. He was wearing a cowboy outfit in his profile picture. He's cute, chinito, and moreno. After chatting about random things for a few days, we decided to meet up. I was already working near Libis by this time, staying at my grandparents' house in Cubao, while he, on the other hand, was an employee in one of the call centers in Eastwood City. Like him, I was scheduled in night shift for the whole month, so we agreed to meet one morning after getting off from work. We had breakfast in a Jollibee near their office.

He was tall and chubby. He has this cute and innocent charm that could get you interested. He's like a discounted Romnick Sarmenta with a rounder face. We got to know each other more. He told me his unfortunate quest to look for love. Once, he had a relationship with a jerk for more than a year. He devoted everything to the guy, only to discover that he was being cheated on for months. After that, all the guys he fell in love with were either not interested or already in a relationship. His search in PR was always unfruitful. I told him about Ace. He was slightly disappointed at first, but he understood. He said we could still be friends nonetheless.

From then on, our communication became much frequent: before going to sleep, upon waking up, during breaks, and every time both of us were available. If I was not talking to Ace via Skype, I would call JP instead. Our breakfasts post-work were repeated for a couple of times more. I was aware that things were already inappropriate, but I pushed the idea down to deepest recesses of my mind. I convinced myself that that was only pure friendship and it meant nothing else.

On March 17, three more days before my birthday, the fateful night I mentioned before had happened.

He invited me to spend a night in his place in Novaliches. Without Ace's knowledge, I accepted. We had dinner in Gateway Mall before we went straight to his house. He opened a few bottles of beer while watching a movie. Both of us were already tipsy when the credits rolled, so we decided to get some sleep.

I was lying on my back, while he was on his side, facing oppositely. I was already in stupor when I felt him changed his position. I looked in his direction. He was now facing me. I turned my gaze upwards. His eyes were still opened, staring at me.

"Bakit?" I asked half-awake.

"Pwede ba akong yumakap?" he said softly.

"Huh?" I reacted, awaking my senses.

He moved closer to me.

"Pwede ba kita yakapin?" he asked once again, this time it was a whisper.

My heart beat faster. My throat became dry.

"Okay... Sige..." was all I had managed to say.

He put his arm across my chest. We were so close that I could already feel his breath; it was warm but minty. My mind was in a frenzy. Will I push him away? Or will I just let him continue? This is wrong! Stop this Sepsep, don't do this! But I remained immobile.

After a couple of minutes, using his hand, he held my chin, turning my face towards him. Then, he kissed me. Unfortunately, I kissed him back. We took our clothes off and he got on top of me, our bodies locked in a sweaty embrace. He went down and consumed my member, taking the entirety of its length. I did the same to him. All the time I was thinking of Ace and how I failed him, but what was currently transpiring was too good to discontinue. I found his licks of lust impossible to resist. My mind was consumed with every stroke of carnal pleasure. His moans drowned out my conscience. I felt that I was not my proper self that night, like someone else had possessed my body, making me unable to control my actions.

My internal struggle had continued until our release. Our cum exploded on our bodies, as my morality imploded inside me. When the glory of ejaculation was gone, the dread of guilt had filled me. I stared at JP catching his breath and what I felt was hatred, not towards him but rather towards myself. Oh my God, what have I done?

"Uuwi na ako," I told him, standing up.

He threw me an incredulous look and said, "Ha? Bakit? Dis-oras na ng gabi Sepsep."

"Maliligo lang ako. Tapos uuwi na ako," I said firmly while averting my eyes.

I took my time inside the bathroom, trying to wash away the sin I had committed, but it was already permanent. I wished it was that easy, forgetting everything, flushing down your mistake down the drain. When I got out, JP was already dressed, sitting idly on his bed.

"Sep, let's talk. Please..." he started.

"Sasabihin ko kay Ace ang nangyari tonight. Hindi kaya ng konsensya ko JP. Siya na ang bahala kung ano ang mangyayari," I stated.

"Sigurado ka ba diyan? Kung hindi naman nya malalaman, wala naman magiging problema eh," he said.

"Hindi ko kaya gawin yun kay Ace. Hindi nya deserve na lokohin ko lang ng ganon," I answered quickly.

He became quiet. After I fixed myself, he spoke again.

"If iiwan ka ba ni Ace, may chance ba na maging tayo?" he asked slowly.

I took a deep breath, sighed, and said, "Sa totoo lang JP, hindi... Kung iiwan man ako ni Ace, mas gugustuhin ko muna maging single. Para ayusin ko ang sarili ko. Kung papasok agad ako sa isang relasyon, mas lalo lang siyang masasaktan. Iisipin nya na ipinagpalit ko siya sa iba... Mahal na mahal ko si Ace. Hindi man nag-reflect yun sa nangyari tonight, alam ko deep inside ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya... Atsaka, kung ang magiging relasyon naman natin dalawa ay nagbunga mula sa isang kasalanan, sigurado akong hindi rin tayo magtatagal."

I knew that I had hurt him with my short speech; it was evident in his face. I didn't mean it, but I felt that blunt honesty was necessary to extinguish any hope he had inside him.

His voice was shaking when he said, "I'm very sorry, Sepsep. Sana pala pinigilan ko ang sarili ko kanina... Nagpadala ako sa nararamdaman ko sayo... Hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na mahulog sayo..."

His tears began to fall down. I approached him, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, "Nangyari na eh. Wala na tayong magagawa. Actually, kasalanan ko kasi pumayag ako. Wag mo sisihin ang sarili mo..."

I stood beside JP for more than a minute as he cried, then I said, "Kelangan ko na umalis. I guess ito na ang huli nating pagkikita."

"Hindi na ba tayo magkakausap ulit?" he asked, looking up to me.

"Kung aaminin ko ang lahat kay Ace, nararapat lang na wala na tayong communication, JP. Ito ang best option para sa ating lahat," I explained as I turned towards the door.

"Bye JP. Thanks for everything," I finished, giving him once last glance.

I heard no response from him anymore, so I let myself out into the solemn night.

To be concluded...