FOREWORD ~ THIS BLOG CONTAINS HOMOSEXUAL STORIES WITH EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Y ~ Yesterday's Guilt, Today's Confession, Tomorrow's Regret

2 days after that fateful night with JP, I talked to Ace thru Skype. I just got home from work, sleepless and tired. It was a cold morning 3 days before my birthday. Since it was currently evening in the US, his hotel room was dimmed, only the bedside lamps were on. It seemed he was preparing to go to sleep. He asked me if there was something wrong. I told him yes.

I prepared myself for this moment. I contemplated a lot, thinking of how I would spill the beans and the repercussions right after. I changed JP's number to 'DONOTREPLY13' and deleted my PR account for good. I made a pact with myself that I will never return to that website again. It is a double-edged sword that one should not risk using.

With much hesitation, I summoned up all the courage I have, and began to confess. I told him everything that had happened, from how it began up to that fateful night. I couldn't fathom his expression; I was unable to measure his emotions.

He started crying, silent but full of unspoken pain. A cry that felt like knives were chopping up my insides, especially my heart.

Did I do the right thing? Maybe it was better if he remained ignorant of it? But that would clearly be wrong. Deceiving him is not the right path to take. You did the right thing, Sepsep. It was brave of you to confess it all. There might still be a chance to save this.

I just stared at my phone's screen, letting him submit himself in a moment of sadness. I couldn't really bear seeing him in that state, but I had to force myself. I didn't avert my eyes. I had to watch him. Otherwise I would look insensitive and insincere; something that I was trying to avoid at all cost.

After several minutes of painful silence, he finally spoke, "Di bale, mahaba-haba na din naman ang dalawa't kalahating taon... Okay na sa akin yon... Salamat na lang sa pag-amin... At least hindi mo ko pinagmukhang tanga... Goodbye Geosef..."

And then he disconnected. It took me at least a minute or two to realize what happened. Then it began to sink in. I felt like going crazy, unable to breathe properly, like a coma patient being extubated from a respirator. I cried without control, burrowing my face deep in my pillows. I fell asleep unknowingly in that state.

When I woke up, what had occurred earlier dawned on me once again. I checked my Facebook; he already blocked me. I searched every messaging apps in my phone, checking to see if he's online, but to no avail. He began erasing me off his life, distancing himself from me. I didn't know what to do, who to talk to.

I was deeply concerned of his well-being. I was sure it hurt him a ton when I told him everything via online. It was impersonal and perhaps stupid. Maybe I should've held off my confession until he was face to face with me. However, since his arrival would be on the morning of my birthday, it would be a bad idea. I didn't want to lose him during that special day of mine; it might scar me forever. Also, I was unsure if I could tell it to him face to face. I mean, it was so difficult to confess thru online; how much more if it was in person? *sigh* I was a coward. I was a mess.

For the following days, I was unable to get regular sleep. I barely ate. I performed poorly at work. I was constantly restless and depressed. I couldn't even be alone for a long period of time or else I would break down. I wanted to talk to Ace, to convince him to come back. I sent him several e-mails, begging him to talk to me. However, every single message went unreplied. It seemed all hope was lost.

It was very tiring to find yourself waking up full of tears. Fears usually conquered my mind. What if he is already starting to move on? What if he already found someone new? How will I manage from here? I was new to this grief I couldn't really explain, in spite of the fact that I'm no stranger to heartaches. I became sick of the mistake I couldn't erase. A jumble of emotions from a hasty night which I couldn't retrace. The things I regret felt like a very steep mountain. It was a vile reminder that I would rather just bury deep in my mind and never exhume again. This fire I began was burning me alive, but I knew better than to leave it to die on its own. I felt like a silhouette, chasing rainbows on my own. Every now and then, I asked myself, "Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again?" However, the more I tried to move on, the more I felt alone. There were times I just found myself just staring into space, thinking that, in an instant, he was gone, completely out of my life.

48 comments:

  1. Pls rape me, i beg u!

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    1. sinu ba itong anonymous na ito ayaw man lang magsend ng picture? charot :D

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    2. magpakilala lang 'yan, gangbang yan! hehehe

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    3. hahahaha bukkake lang ang peg

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  2. awts, sermonan na lang kita sa email. Joke lang..

    somehow, what happen to both of you broke my heart.

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    1. *gulp* Katakot naman...

      Thanks for the sympathy Rix.

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  3. Bad move over bad move over bad move... tsk... Hmmmnnn.... Pasampal naman jan... Than hug to comfort you...

    kayo talagang mga bata kayo oh... tsk...tsk...tsk...

    good read... dama ko 'yung emotion...

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    1. Para sayo Senyor, ano dapat ang ginawa ko?

      Wag naman, masakit yun. *huhu*

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    2. Dapat hindi mo na ipinagtapat! Kung mahal mo dapat hind sinasaktan... Ideally, hindi ka dapat nangati in the 1st place pero since nangyari na, you should have kept it to yourself na lang! You wanted to be honest yes pero how did you expect him to react? You just did yourself a favor thinking na mas makakaluwag sa loob mo kung ipagtatapat mo. Eh sa side niya?

      Selfish ka! hehehe... and you just made things more complicated!

      Sana, kung talagang guilty ka, nakipaghiwalay ka na lang at ikaw na ang nagkusa! Without the details!

      Ahhh basta! Ang gulo mo!

      Kung ako rin naman kasi sa kanya, dapat mas naintindihan ka niya kasi ganun din naman sya dati.

      Sana clear sa kanya na magkahiwalay ang puso at puson!

      Hyyyyy... Ang gulo niyo!

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    3. I see what you are trying to say Senyor. Naisip ko din ang option na yan. Kaso di talaga kaya ng konsensya ko. Naisip ko na baka makumbinsi ko pa si Ace kapag nalaman nya mula sa akin. Na baka may chance na hindi nya ako hiwalayan kapag nakita nya ang pure sincerity ko. I may be a cheater, but I am no liar. :P

      But thanks sa opinion Senyor. Pasensya na at pinainit ko ang ulo mo...

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  4. There is no use beating up a dead dog.

    Be a good boy na ha? Wag mo nang uulitin pa ulit.

    *hugs*

    How I wish that people also learn through our mistakes, like it would be printed out in history books parang ganun? Every generation na lang people tend to commit the same mistake and go through that path of guilt and hurt which is very unnecessary.

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    1. After that, tinaga ko na sa bato na hinding-hindi na ulit iyon mangyayari.

      *hugs*

      That's why I wrote this. Para kahit papaano, if merong makabasa nito na makakaranas din ng ganito, maiisip nila kung ano ang nangyari sa akin. Na sana meron siyang natutunan mula sa kwento ko. :)

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  5. when i told my partner what happened, i got scared as well. vulnerable of what he might decide. his cries will foreve haunt me.thru phone ko sinabi at nasaktan din ako sa pagiyak nya. i was blessed he did not leave me. this post made me realize, rethink and repent.

    thanks sep

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    1. I'm glad na hindi ka dumiretso sa daang baluktot, yung ayaw na direksyon ni PNoy. :P

      But kidding aside, I'm glad at umamin ka sa kanya FSOQ. People who genuinely love us don't deserve to be cheated. What they deserve is our complete honesty. So you made the right move too. :)

      You are welcome.

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  6. I hope you learned your lesson...

    Never take the one that you love dearly for granted, everything can be gone in an instant.
    Never make distance and being busy or lonely as a reason, magpakatatag ka at wag mahulog sa tukso. Marami kasing nanamantala sa kahinaan ng puso at ng damdamin ng isang tao.

    Pero if I were Ace I wouldn't have ended everything there... I have always believed in second chances, kasi sa mga ganitong pagkakataon mas lalong ninyong kailangan ang isa't-isa eh.

    Pero ito lagi mo tatandaan Geosef, nasa huli lagi ang pagsisisi. This experience of yours will help make you a better person.

    As a fellow blogger, kahait nakaapekto sa akin itong post mo, I wish you all the best, at please wag na uulitin ah? :-)

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    1. Yes, I learned my lesson Jjamps.

      Sana nga talaga binigyan nya pa ako ng second chance. *sigh*

      Thanks for the reminder and for the concern. :) I already made a promise to myself na hindi na ulitin ang mistakes ko.

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    2. Good that you are no longer connected in that site... ako nga wala na din dun pero nakakatanggap pa rin ng random hook up texts, casual sex invites, meetups, ung iba willing pa magbayad... pero tinatawanan ko lng lahat then delete, i don't even bother replying kasi for me if I replied that only means I have given it an extra thought...

      We go through a lot and we learn things. All the best to you @Geosef

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    3. How? I mean paano ka nila napapadalhan ng invites thru text? Mga guys na nakuha number mo nung may account ka pa doon?

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    4. yup thru text, siguro sila ung mga nabigyan ko ng number ko before haha...

      since ito na ung number ko ever since most likely nasave nila.

      nope, wala na ako account dun, and I don't plan to create a new one either haha

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  7. I couldn't help myself but to think of Stephen Chobsky's line that says "we accept the love we think we deserve" and it showed in this story.

    Naisip ko tuloy kung ang pagsisinungaling ay bad in itself or it varies depending on reasons. Parang sa euthanasia...

    Pero it all boils down to our decisions and morality talaga. Yan ang tingin mong tamang gawin eh kaya ginawa mo.

    Kung ako si Ace bibigyan pa kita ng second chance kasi I always believe in second chances, that people deserve a second chance to prove and redeem theirselves

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    1. Not everybody is given a second chance. A sad reality of life. :(

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  8. Ang sakit naman nito mabasa sa umaga. Don't move on just yet. May birthday ka pa! Uuwi siya at mag-uusap pa kayo. Pwede pang isalba yan! :D

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    1. Pasensya na po. :P
      Kasi naman kuya ang aga mo mag-internet eh. *hehe*

      Wow, ang gandang senaryo nun actually. *sigh*

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  9. I want a happy ending! Please tell me that by your next and hopefully not the last blog entry, you've gotten back together! That he has forgiven you, and has given you a second chance? Please?! You deserve a second chance, in my very own opinion. The fact that you were brave enough to confess what you've done only goes to show how much you love him. ;)

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    1. Thanks Javes. I can't promise you anything ha. Just wait for the last letter next week. :)

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    2. Next week pa? Haha. Baka may letter break muna mamaya? :)

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    3. *hahaha* Kakatuwa naman. Konting wait lang po.

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    4. Na-excite lang ako. I have a feeling na happy ending ito. Haha ;)

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    5. Eeeeeeh! Di ako makakatulog nyan. Arte lang hahaha!

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  10. Once you're in orbit of the blue planet, there's always a chance you'd be pulled by its gravity.

    I hope you've learned your lesson bro.

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    1. I learned my lesson all right. :) Thanks JM.

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  11. Karma will haunt you!

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  12. was it worth it na sinabi mo sa kanya yung totoo?

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    1. Yes, I think it was worth it. Para may peace of mind din ako somehow...

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  13. gusto ko lang happy ending. pero nabubuhay tayo sa tunay na buhay. na ang happy ending ay pwedeng mapalitan ng trahedya, pagkabigo at pagkatalo...

    i like to commend you for the courage na sabihin sa kaniya ang totoo. kung ako ang nasa posisyon mo honestly hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko pero baka sabihin ko rin dahil hindi ko kayang lokohin ang taong mahal ko. (kaso bakit ka kasi kumembot?! haha)

    iba ang paghanga ko sa mga taong matapang na harapin kung anuman ang mangyari sa kanila at aminin ang kanilang mga pagkakamali. pero hindi ko rin masisisi si ace dahil kung ako naman sa pwesto niya, hindi ko alam. baka mapatawad kita pero baka wa na second chance kasi natatakot na ako na baka maloko ulit. or baka bigyan kita ng pagkakataon dahil mas lalo kitang minahal dahil sa pag-amin mo... ewan ko. hay.

    anyway hugs! im sure natuto ka naman sa karanasan mong ito. :)

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    1. I really like the idea na itong story na ito can make someone think kung ano ang gagawin nila if sa kanila mangyari ito. Kumbaga, though-provoking. :)

      Thanks KalansayCollector. I appreciate the kind words.

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    2. Kung ako si Ace bibigyan kita ng second chance at mas mamahalin pa kita kasi kailangan ko rin matuwid sa side ko kung anu ba ung pagkukulang ko kaya mo nagawa ung ganung bagay... when people do me wrong, i always think kung anu ba ung pagkukulang ko, have i done something to have provoked you to do it

      Soldier of love pala ako hahaha

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    3. Thanks Jjamps. :)

      Yes, you sound like one. *hehe*

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    4. haha i think i have to agree na rin kay jjampong sa pagbibigay ng second chance. ewan ko naisip ko lang ngayon baka mas yan nga ang gawin ko lalo na kung mahal kita. haha i will try to save the relationship kasi siguro naappreciate ko na sinabi mo sakin ang totoo at hindi mo na pinatagal. narealize ko bilang tao mas gusto ko kasi dinederetso. at kung masakit man malaman ang totoo, mas gusto ko na yun kaysa ginagagago ako. though yun nga, baka maging extra paranoid lang ako. hehe

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    5. exactly!! hahaha, hirap pa naman maging paranoid although hindi rin talaga maiwasan pag mahal mo ung tao hehe, alam mo naman madameng mga creatures na umaaligid sa tabi-tabe waiting for that opportunity

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