Y ~ Yesterday's Guilt, Today's Confession, Tomorrow's Regret

2 days after that fateful night with JP, I talked to Ace thru Skype. I just got home from work, sleepless and tired. It was a cold morning 3 days before my birthday. Since it was currently evening in the US, his hotel room was dimmed, only the bedside lamps were on. It seemed he was preparing to go to sleep. He asked me if there was something wrong. I told him yes.

I prepared myself for this moment. I contemplated a lot, thinking of how I would spill the beans and the repercussions right after. I changed JP's number to 'DONOTREPLY13' and deleted my PR account for good. I made a pact with myself that I will never return to that website again. It is a double-edged sword that one should not risk using.

With much hesitation, I summoned up all the courage I have, and began to confess. I told him everything that had happened, from how it began up to that fateful night. I couldn't fathom his expression; I was unable to measure his emotions.

He started crying, silent but full of unspoken pain. A cry that felt like knives were chopping up my insides, especially my heart.

Did I do the right thing? Maybe it was better if he remained ignorant of it? But that would clearly be wrong. Deceiving him is not the right path to take. You did the right thing, Sepsep. It was brave of you to confess it all. There might still be a chance to save this.

I just stared at my phone's screen, letting him submit himself in a moment of sadness. I couldn't really bear seeing him in that state, but I had to force myself. I didn't avert my eyes. I had to watch him. Otherwise I would look insensitive and insincere; something that I was trying to avoid at all cost.

After several minutes of painful silence, he finally spoke, "Di bale, mahaba-haba na din naman ang dalawa't kalahating taon... Okay na sa akin yon... Salamat na lang sa pag-amin... At least hindi mo ko pinagmukhang tanga... Goodbye Geosef..."

And then he disconnected. It took me at least a minute or two to realize what happened. Then it began to sink in. I felt like going crazy, unable to breathe properly, like a coma patient being extubated from a respirator. I cried without control, burrowing my face deep in my pillows. I fell asleep unknowingly in that state.

When I woke up, what had occurred earlier dawned on me once again. I checked my Facebook; he already blocked me. I searched every messaging apps in my phone, checking to see if he's online, but to no avail. He began erasing me off his life, distancing himself from me. I didn't know what to do, who to talk to.

I was deeply concerned of his well-being. I was sure it hurt him a ton when I told him everything via online. It was impersonal and perhaps stupid. Maybe I should've held off my confession until he was face to face with me. However, since his arrival would be on the morning of my birthday, it would be a bad idea. I didn't want to lose him during that special day of mine; it might scar me forever. Also, I was unsure if I could tell it to him face to face. I mean, it was so difficult to confess thru online; how much more if it was in person? *sigh* I was a coward. I was a mess.

For the following days, I was unable to get regular sleep. I barely ate. I performed poorly at work. I was constantly restless and depressed. I couldn't even be alone for a long period of time or else I would break down. I wanted to talk to Ace, to convince him to come back. I sent him several e-mails, begging him to talk to me. However, every single message went unreplied. It seemed all hope was lost.

It was very tiring to find yourself waking up full of tears. Fears usually conquered my mind. What if he is already starting to move on? What if he already found someone new? How will I manage from here? I was new to this grief I couldn't really explain, in spite of the fact that I'm no stranger to heartaches. I became sick of the mistake I couldn't erase. A jumble of emotions from a hasty night which I couldn't retrace. The things I regret felt like a very steep mountain. It was a vile reminder that I would rather just bury deep in my mind and never exhume again. This fire I began was burning me alive, but I knew better than to leave it to die on its own. I felt like a silhouette, chasing rainbows on my own. Every now and then, I asked myself, "Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again?" However, the more I tried to move on, the more I felt alone. There were times I just found myself just staring into space, thinking that, in an instant, he was gone, completely out of my life.