Friday, December 5, 2014

Why We Broke Up

January 11, 2014 ~ Saturday

I found myself, a week later, trudging the very familiar road towards Ace's house. With more than 3 years of using that road, I have already memorized all of its bends, corners, as well as cracks. The concrete was as rough as before and the shaded parts where trees are abundant felt as cool as ever. Oddly, however, it seemed much longer than the usual. Or maybe it was just me.

The past week had been extremely nerve-racking. I had more stress and less sleep; I ate poorly and I ignored my usual grooming habits; I was often quiet, resigned; I looked like someone who's suffering from a terminal illness. It was not a very easy decision, the one Ace asked me to make exactly a week ago. I received not a single call and text from him. He gave me the space and time I need to think. But I misused them.

Choosing between two people means having no interaction with both parties until you have made a sound decision. I failed when it comes to that though. As Ace remained silent the whole week, I had continuous conversations with Uno through phone. As the days passed by, I got more and more determined to choose the latter. It reinforced the idea in my mind that I no longer love Ace, and that it is Uno who I should focus from then onwards. I know I had been unfair. The fight had been totally one-sided.

There's nothing more I wanted at that moment than to run away and eternally seclude myself in a dark cave, where I can never hurt anyone again. The burden of my decision continued to cut into me like a well-sharpened knife, slicing me into a hundred unmanageable pieces. My heartbeat got stronger and more pronounced with each step until I can already feel every beat. My steps felt extremely heavy; lifting my feet one by one was like an impossible task. My lungs refused to function properly. My eyesight seemed much more blurred than what it used to be. I felt like fainting.

Several grueling minutes later, I found myself face to face with Ace's front door, too anxious to immediately knock. My knees felt weak, like they could betray me at any given moment. My mouth and throat felt dry as I managed to shout, "Ace? Ako to," after I was able to summon the courage I need. I have no idea how long I'd been standing there before I decided to call out. Everything was hazy as fuck.

When Ace greeted me, he had on his face his signature warm smile. It burned through me like an intense heat ray, melting my insides and turning them into a sloppy mush. He was still on his usual sleepwear: a plain white shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. He looked quite sexy that morning. But I put the notion out of my mind; I didn't go there for that. He invited me in after giving me a quick hug.

"Breakfast?" he asked. I nodded.

By the time I reached the table, everything was already set. His signature fried rice topped with omelet and bacon bits looked delicious as ever. My favorite Taho (courtesy of our regular vendor) was on my favorite bowl, still warm and fresh. We began to dig in. I ate as much as I can, thinking that this would probably be the last time that I will have a taste of his cooking. In my mind, I know that I'm going to miss all of that.

"So how's your week?" I asked.

"Okay naman. Tahimik, as you know," he said. "Gumawa ako ulit ng PR account..."

I felt my eyebrows raised in surprise. "Why? Anong ginagawa mo dun?"

"Wala lang. Naghahanap ng mga kausap..."

"Baka naman may napapunta ka na dito ha," I joked.

"Honestly, meron na nga..." he said nonchalantly.

I stopped chewing and said, "What? Seryoso ka?"

"Oo, kagabi... Pero wala namang nangyari sa amin. Dinner lang dito tapos nagkwentuhan lang kami..."

Oddly, I felt no pain nor jealousy with what I just heard. It seemed that the idea of him inviting a stranger over does not bother me anymore. I was only surprised with how fast that action of his had been.

"Pero 'di ba binigyan mo pa ko ng one week para magdesisyon? Bakit naman nakipag-date ka agad?"

"Kasi alam ko na kung ano ang desisyon mo..."

I was taken aback. "Paano mo naman nasabi 'yan?"

"Sep, kilala kita," he said, smiling. "Kung ako ang pipiliin mo, hindi ka makakatagal ng ilang araw na hindi ako nagpaparamdam. After a day or two, nag-text o tumawag ka na agad sa akin. Eh kaso wala eh, wala akong narinig sa'yo for a full week... And that's when I knew."

I froze, astonished with what he said. My mind was in a storm after that sudden realization. I remained silent for several minutes, finishing my plate. Ace did the same.

"Kumusta naman yung bisita mo kagabi?" I continued.

"Okay naman. 18 years old"

"What? Disiotso anyos? Ang bata naman yata nun, Ace."

"Alam mo naman ang mga type ko di ba? Parang hindi mo naman ako kilala."

"Hulaan ko. Maputi, payatot, matangkad... Mukhang member ng Chicser?"


I chuckled. He did too. I shook my head.

"Ibang klase ka talaga... Ikaw na."

"I'm lonely, Sep. I have to do something about it..."

"Don't worry. I'm not taking it against you. Naintindihan ko naman... Sabi mo naman, walang nangyari di ba?"

"Wala, promise."

Ace has a weakness for twinks, and I know he's lying about that; I saw it in the way he moved when he answered my question. I didn't mind though, so I let it pass.

"So this is it, huh? This is the end..." I asked. "How do you feel?"

"Medyo shit, if we're being honest. Pero I think I can manage... How about you?"

"Hindi ko alam exactly. Parang surreal na ewan. Eto na ang isa sa pinakamahirap na desisyon na ginawa ko, Ace..."

"I know, I know... But you have to deal with it, Sep... You are brave when it comes to being honest, but you must be braver when facing the consequences of your actions..."

"Ace, for the last time, I am asking for your forgiveness. For us ending like this. For hurting you. For everything..."

"Sabi ko naman sa'yo dati, di ba? Hindi ka pa humihingi ng sorry, napatawad na kita," he said, smiling. "Tandaan mo Sep, we are breaking up not because of Uno. We are breaking up because you no longer love me like you used to before. And we both know na if I still decide to fight for you, surely, matatalo lang ako, dahil hindi na talaga ako ang laman ng puso mo..."

I nodded. "Maraming salamat, Ace. Thank you for being so understanding. I owe you so much more than I could be thankful for. Ibang klase ka... Kaya naman ako na-in love sa'yo ng sobra... Pero this proves that you only deserve someone better. Someone na hinding-hindi ko mapapantayan. Cliché man, pero totoo..."

And just like that, I experienced the healthiest break-up in my life (so far). The moment was quite calm: no bouts of angry shouting, finger-pointing, and throwing of things; no violent outbursts and no more awkward tears. It was followed by a pretty lengthy conversation, which I had written earlier this year in the form of an allegory.

Because of these, I thought things would be smooth sailing from then onwards. Little did I know that it was only the beginning of an incredibly harrowing year. If only I could turn back time.

To be continued...

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Where The Road Forked

The ride home had been spent in complete silence. We traveled by bus, Ace occupying the seat beside the window while I sat next to the aisle. He kept staring outside most of the time, only looking at me twice: once while paying the fare and the other while finally getting off at our stop. Then, we walked towards his house in the same manner. It was extremely unsettling.

All the while, in my mind, I was lost in my own thoughts, exerting my brain to give me a solution to the problem currently in front of me. I forced Uno out of my consciousness, and tried to focus on who is with me at the moment. Things should already be over between Uno and me, so there's no point for him to linger in my mind any longer. I must make it up to Ace. I have to fix this new rift that I made. After turning my back on Uno, I couldn't bear to lose Ace too. It wasn't my intention to continue on empty-handed.

As soon as we entered the house, Ace threw himself at me, kissing me torridly with much heat and passion. I returned the intimacy with the same intensity. In a matter of seconds, we were already naked, our sweaty bodies on top of each other. His tongue wandered thirstily, licking everything he could reach. I squirmed uncontrollably when he reached my nipples, sucking them like there's no tomorrow. By the time his mouth had enclosed my rock-hard cock, my moans were overflowing with ecstasy. That moment, we became wild animals with all inhibitions lowered. His intense longing for my flesh was evident with the way he made love to me. 2 weeks of not being able to see each other overtook the stress that we were currently facing. We lost ourselves in each other's embrace.

After the ardent foreplay, he went on top of me, straddling my crotch, my dick already lubricated with his saliva. He kissed me again as he began to move up and down. I could feel his warmness as I slid in and out of him effortlessly, his hole hungrily devouring my length. The sensation was all too familiar. We changed positions. Ace went down on all fours, I rode him and fucked his brains out dog-style. I hugged him from the back, kissing and licking his ears and neck as I pumped my cock deep in his ass. In minutes, I was depositing my seed inside him. Our moans rose in unison as he felt my warm juice exploding in his hole. I could easily say that it is one of the hottest fucks we've ever had. Knocking us out, it drained all the remaining energy we have for that day. We fell in deep slumber soon after, arms around each other, not bothering to clean up.

We awoke hours later, still naked and entwined in each other's embrace. Ace smiled at me, kissed me, and whispered, "I love you very much, Sep. More than you think you know..."

Pain shot through my heart. I just stared at him, unable to answer. I was unsure of myself, but Ace ignored that and still continued to give me that warm smile. The moment was becoming unbearable, so I remove myself from our intimate embrace, got off the bed, and went straight to the bathroom without looking back. I opened the shower and drowned myself in the cold water, too numb to feel anything else. Ace followed and we bathed together in silence. I finished first, dried myself up, donned a fresh pair of shirt and boxers, and went downstairs to watch T.V. in the living room.

I dozed off while waiting for Ace to finish. When I opened my eyes, he's already sitting beside me, the T.V. was turned off. Deep concern was painted on his face.

"Are you okay, Sep? You look troubled kanina," he asked. He stroked the left side of my face and fixed my hair.

I looked at him straight and said, "Ace, kanina kasi... Kanina habang nagse-sex tayo..."

"Ano 'yun?" he said with bated breath.

"Kanina, habang ginagawa natin lahat ng 'yun, mukha ni Uno ang nasa isip ko... Mukha niya yung lumalabas sa tuwing pipikit ako..." I admitted, extremely ashamed. "I think may ibig sabihin 'yun, Ace..."

"So what's on your mind?" he asked. He was trying to keep his composure, but I know that, deep inside him, it was like a thousand knives have pierced him simultaneously.

"Naalala mo ba yung sinabi ko kanina about dun sa pag-iyak ko kila Kim? The one I consider as the worst cry I had so far?"


"Nung una, akala ko kaya ako umiiyak ng ganon ay dahil sa hindi kami pwedeng magkatuluyan ni Uno. Dahil nanghihinayang ako sa kanya. Pero ngayon, na-realize ko na 'yung totoong dahilan, Ace," I said. "I cried like that because of two things... 'Yung una ay dahil sa galit na galit ako sa sarili ko... Galit ako kasi, deep inside, alam kong masasaktan kita. After all you've done for me, you don't deserve the pain that I'm giving you right now...

"Pangalawa, kasi napagtanto ko na... Na..."

I paused, taking a deep breath. I have to say it. I must be brave. This is it. There's no turning back after this.

"Ace, napagtanto ko na hindi na kita mahal kagaya nung first half ng relationship natin..."

He moved his hands away from me. "Gaano ka kasigurado na 'yan talaga ang nararamdaman mo, Sep? How can you be so sure? Baka naman nabibigla ka lang..."

"Kasi nung hinalikan ako ni Uno, wala akong naramdamang guilt pagkatapos... Di gaya nung may nangyari sa amin ni JP, na nakaramdam ako agad ng guilt habang ginagawa namin mismo yung kasalanan. And yung kiss namin ni Uno, wala ni isang patak ng guilt. At it also crossed my mind na ilihim sa'yo 'yung nangyari—alam mo naman kung gaano ako ka-honest sa'yo, di ba? I cried because I know that these feelings signify something serious, something bad..."

Ace remained quiet. He was staring at the floor now, fresh tears flowing down his face again.

"Yung affair with JP, I think that's the earliest sign of my falling out of love with you. Pero dahil sa natatakot akong mawala sa akin yung mga kung anong meron tayo, dahil sa natakot akong maging mag-isa ulit, I begged for a second chance, not thinking that my love for you is not as strong as it was before. Forgive me, Ace. Forgive me for not telling you sooner..." I continued.

He cried and cried and cried that afternoon. My heart and my guts twisted inside me with every sob from Ace. I watched him helplessly as he broke down into pathos. After half an hour, he cried some more, and I just sat there beside him, trying to soak myself all his despair. I wallowed in the sounds of his pain until I, myself, was already crying as well. Our voices synced and created a heartbreaking symphony. We cried and cried and cried into exhaustion. We let all our tears out 'til we can no longer produce them.

More than an hour later, Ace finally spoke. His voice was calm; his face, soft and caring. "Sep, sa mga sinabi mo, klaro na ang lahat. Now, you'd have to make a decision. Si Uno ba o ako? Sino ang gusto mong nasa buhay mo mula ngayon?"

I was stunned with what I heard, and it must have been evident in my face.

"C'mon Sep, alam kong nung isang araw mo pa iniisip 'yan. You'll have to make this decision later, if not soon. No one can love two people with the same intensity at the same time. Alam mo 'yan. There can be only one, Sep... I'm giving you one week to decide. Siguro naman enough na 'yun. When you leave here, I want to you to start thinking. Think hard, Geosef. I trust you'll choose who you think is the right one..." he said. I sensed some doubt in his voice, but I know that he was trying to be brave.

I believe this is the most difficult fork I have encountered in my life so far. Is there such a thing as a 'right one'? Fuck. Please kill me instead.

To be continued...

Saturday, November 1, 2014

When To Tell The Truth

"Asawa kooooo! I missed you so much!" Ace squealed upon seeing me. He was beaming from ear to ear, his excitement resonating out of him. I returned his smile but weakly. We hugged, feeling the intensity of his longing from the tightness of his embrace. His warmness only intensified my guilt.

He must've seen it in my face because he asked, "Are you okay? Para kang namatayan ah... Di ka ba excited na makita ako ulit?"

"Of course I'm excited. Pero kasi..." I hesitated. I drew a deep breath, gathering up the courage I need. "Can we talk, Ace? May kailangan akong sabihin sa'yo."

His enthusiasm faded in an instant, being replaced with worry. "Is there something wrong?"

"Pwede ba tayong mag-usap someplace else? 'Wag dito."

He gave me a weird look. "Sure... Let's have lunch while you're telling it. Magta-tanghali na rin naman."

We hailed a cab going to SM Mall of Asia. During the ride, he reached for my hand to hold it, but he remained quiet. I guess I was lucky that he chose not to talk, because in my head, I was busy trying to construct my thoughts, racking my brains to decide how to tell him everything that had happened in his absence. I could feel his anxiety from his grasp, and it was unnerving. When we arrive, we chose Yoshinoya since it was the first restaurant we saw; both of us had already lost our appetite anyway. After getting our orders, we occupied the table in the farthest corner. We didn't want anyone to be eavesdropping. Fortunately, the place wasn't that much crowded.

"So Sep... What's going on?"

I couldn't look at him directly due to apprehension. It was like experiencing once more the events of March 2013. It's hard to believe the possibility of it happening again, yet there we were.

"Kasi Ace, this is actually about Uno..." I began. I could feel my body slightly shaking, unsure if because of the temperature of the room or because of the nerve-wracking tension inside me. "Remember him? Yung kinuwento ko noong isang araw."

"Yeah, 'yung crush mo? What about him?"

"Yes," I said. "Ace, I think... I think I'm already in love with him." There was no way I could say it without hurting him, so I just let it out. "I'm sorry, Ace... I know this will make you angry."

Ace didn't answer. He just held his gaze at me, reading my movements. His face was unfathomable.

"Hindi ako galit. Confused, oo." he said after several minutes of silence. "Sep, sigurado ka na bang 'yan talaga ang nararamdaman mo? Baka naman nabibigla ka lang?"

"I dunno. Tingin ko oo."

"But how? Twice mo pa lang naman siya nakasama, di ba? Nung party na pinuntahan mo at nung niyaya ka niya manood ng movie. Mahal mo na siya agad after that?" he quizzed. I could hear the sudden rise of emotion in his voice.

"Ang totoo kasi niyan, hindi lang 'yun 'yung times na nakita ko siya. Marami pang beses," I confessed. "Hindi ko lang nasabi sa'yo..."

"What? Are you kidding me?" he said, incredulous.

"Let me explain, please..." I asked. "I will tell you everything."

He looked pale now, his face was being drained of its color. I remembered the bright smile he had earlier at the airport. I would give up everything at that moment just for it to appear again. If I had only kept my mouth shut, then maybe we were enjoying a lunch full of "I love you's" and "I miss you's" instead of that depressing scenario. We could've been happy at that time. But I'm not that kind of guy, enjoying something that I don't deserve in the first place. I could never, in my conscience, live a lie, especially if it's someone else's heart that is at stake. Ace had the right to know the truth, so I'm giving it to him.

I told Ace all the things he was unaware of until then: the several drinking sessions Uno and I had with our common friends, Uno's confession regarding with his own feelings towards me as a reaction to my New Year's post, the agreement Uno and I made about our feelings with each other, and the supposedly back-to-work final party at Kim's.

"Nasa sofa kami. Alone. Nasa kwarto sa itaas 'yung mga kasama namin, nagpapakalasing. Kami ni Uno medyo tipsy lang, kasi alam namin na kailangan naming mag-usap ng maayos. First, I said sorry to him kasi nagkaroon ako ng feelings sa kanya. Na dapat bilang someone na in a relationship na, dapat pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. Dapat hindi na siguro ako nag-post at hinayaan ko na lang mawala. Parang lalo lang kasing tumindi nung umamin ako..." I said. My throat was getting dry and kinda sore. The kind of soreness whenever you're forcing yourself not to cry.

"Then, siya naman 'yung nag-sorry. Humingi siya ng tawad kasi alam naman niyang may karelasyon ako. Sorry daw kung nakakagulo pa siya. Alam naman daw niya na wala siyang magagawa, pero hindi niya pinigilan 'yung sarili niya na makasama ulit ako. Tapos ayun, bigla na siyang humagulgol. Isinandal niya 'yung ulo niya sa lap ko, tapos niyakap niya ko dito sa bewang. Palagi na lang daw siya nasasaktan, gusto na lang niya iiyak lahat ng sakit. Hinaplos ko siya sa ulo at likod sa awa ko sa kanya. Ilang minuto rin siguro 'yun...

"Then nagulat na lang ako nung bigla siya ulit umupo. Hinawakan niya yung magkabilang pisngi ko, inilapit sa mukha niya... Hinalikan ako... At hindi ko siya pinigilan, Ace..."

Tears began to flow down his cheeks. I could see that Ace was doing his best to prevent them from falling, but after hearing what I just revealed, he was no longer able to maintain his composure. I looked down in deep shame.

"I am very sorry, Ace. Sobra. Sorry... Please, please forgive me," I said.

"How was the kiss?"


"How was it? 'Yung halik niya, Sep... Masarap ba ha?"

The solemn moment flashed back in my mind. The feel of his lips pressed against mine, his tongue softly exploring my mouth, the warmth of his breath—I could still remember all of it vividly. The kiss was careful but endearing. Definitely a kiss one will have a hard time forgetting. But all I could tell Ace was, "It-it was... Passionate..."

"Fuck..." he swore. "Why Geosef?"

I let him cry silently, giving him time to manage his emotions. He didn't mind if ever someone would see him in that state, so I decided not to care as well. He stopped after a few minutes, wiping his face rather vigorously before looking at me again.

"Meron pa ba?"

I wished I could say the opposite when he asked me that. That there was nothing more to say. That that was already everything. But fate wouldn't let me have it; unfortunately, there's still more.

"We broke off, and we just hugged each other after that, hanggang sa bumaba 'yung isa naming kasama. Kailangan na raw kasi umuwi. Kaya naisipan na rin sumabay ni Uno, kasi nga ihahatid pa niya ang tatay niya sa airport. Kaya sinamahan namin silang dalawa hanggang sa sakayan ng trike... Sobrang lungkot ang naramdaman ko that time, Ace. Alam ko kasi na 'yun na ang last naming pagkikita. Parang ayaw ko pa na umuwi siya. Grabe ang pigil ko sa pag-iyak kasi kasama naming naglalakad 'yung iba.

"Nung nakaalis na 'yung siya, biglang umagos 'yung mga luha ko. Hindi ko na talaga kinaya. Napayakap ako kay Kim habang umiiyak, doon sa tabi ng daan. Buti na lang at past midnight na 'yun kaya walang tao. Hanggang sa paglalakad pauwi, humahagulgol ako. Para akong tanga.

"Tumigil na ako nung makabalik kami sa bahay ni Kim. Umakyat sila ulit sa taas para ipagpatuloy ang pag-inom, pero nagpaiwan muna ako sa ibaba. Umupo ako ulit sa sofa. Nung naalala ko 'yung naging conversation namin ni Uno, pati yung halik niya, napaiyak ulit ako. This time mas malakas. Wala na akong pakialam halos kung maririnig ako ng kapitbahay ni Kim. Malamang rinig din ako sa itaas pero hinayaan lang nila ako. Para akong nag-concert, Ace. Atungol na yata halos yung ginawa ko. Sa tingin ko, inabot ako ng around 15 minutes sa paghagulgol. Dire-diretso 'yun. Ang tagal... I think 'yun na yata ang pinakamalalang iyak ko sa buong buhay ko," I recounted. I was in near tears myself by the time I finished.

The way Ace was looking at me, I could see pain, anger, and pity. It was breaking my heart further, one little crack at a time.

"Walang ibang dapat sisihin kung hindi ako. Hindi ikaw, hindi rin si Uno. Tinago ko sa'yo ang mga bagay-bagay kaya lumala. Kung naging totoo lang sana ako agad sa'yo, eh di sana napigilan mo ako agad," I continued. "Hindi rin pwedeng sisihin si Uno kasi wala naman siyang ginawang actions for this to happen. He never flirted with me. 'Yung mga conversations and interactions namin before ako umamin ay puro casual at friendly lang. Never naging intimate. Walang kahit anong pang-aakit...

"Kaya naman ang lungkot-lungkot ko since New Year, Ace. Alam ko kasi sa sarili ko na kasalanan ko ang lahat kung bakit umabot sa ganito. I did this to myself, sa kalandian ko. And worse, nandamay pa ako ng ibang tao. Makakasakit pa ko ng iba, particularly someone who truly loves me..."

With tears now in my eyes, I stared at Ace, wanting to make sure that he understood who I was referring to.

"It pains me so much knowing that I would hurt you again... Pinag-isipan kong mabuti if aaminin ko ba sa'yo ang lahat ng nangyari. Since nag-decide naman kami ni Uno na itigil kung ano ang meron kami, inisip ko na hindi mo na kailangan malaman. To spare you the pain. Kaso hindi kaya ng konsensya ko, Ace. Halos hindi ako makatulog sa kakaisip. Hindi ako mapakali, knowing na nagsinungaling ako sa'yo ng whereabouts ko ng ilang beses. Hindi kaya ng konsensya ko na wala kang alam..."

He managed to smile amid the tension. "You have always been honest to me, Sep. That is the best thing about you..." He let out a deep sigh. "So... What should we do about this?"

I tried to smile back, but failed. I was dreading what he would say next as sadness reigned on his face once again.

"Well, I think we've had a good run, Sep. I believe we've made each other happy these past three years. Maybe kaya nangyari ang mga ito, we are being told that what we have is already enough..."

I thought I'm already prepared for that blow, but I was wrong. I felt suddenly afraid. I feared the thought of losing him, of not having him in my life. The thought of me being alone as quick as that frightened me immensely. I reached for his hand in panic.

"Ace, please no... Don't be too rash. 'Wag ngayon. 'Wag dito... I don't think kaya ko. Please," I begged, wide-eyed.

He stared at me long and hard, studying me with his watery eyes. After what seemed like an eternity, he switched his gaze to his food and began attacking it. "Kainin na natin ang mga 'to. Tapos uwi muna tayo..."

To be continued...

Monday, October 27, 2014

Who Rocked The Boat

January 5, 2014 ~ Sunday

I was beside myself while in transit towards NAIA Terminal 2. Ace went home to Aklan for two weeks to be with his family for the holidays, and as always, he wanted me to fetch him in his return. As the bus cuts through traffic, I racked my brain aggressively for a decision. Should I tell him? Should I not? Guilt was eating me up for days now and I already lost much sleep. As I sat there staring blankly out the window, I felt like the shittiest shit in the world.

It all started two Sundays ago, when I attended an overnight party in Mandaluyong. It was a fun night full of games, jokes, and good food. I enjoyed it a lot for I got acquainted with new people, shared stories, and exchanged different opinions, particularly about matters regarding the blogosphere. More importantly, that was also the night when I met the person who would soon make me rock my own boat—the boat I'd been maintaining for more than 3 years. His name is Uno.

Uno has this cute smile accentuated by a set of dimples. Being slightly chinito, moreno, kinda chubby, and a bit taller than me, he has looks that most people will appreciate. The first time I saw him, I didn't mind him much. We actually had very few interactions that night, almost to none if I recall correctly. I didn't come to that party to flirt with anyone; I was there to simply have fun. I had no other intentions than to make new acquaintances, possibly make new friends. I thought that I won't see him again. I was wrong though.

To my slight surprise, a couple of days after Christmas, he invited me out for a movie together with his own circle of friends. I was reluctant to go at first since I was trying to stay as anonymous as possible, but I was too shy to refuse, so I accepted his invitation.

I enjoyed it only a little. The movie simply sucked and since it was my first time meeting Uno's friends, no one talked to me much, even Uno himself. I was quiet most of the time, just listening to their conversations. I was puzzled. Why invite me if I will just be ignored? Nonetheless, I could tell that they are nice people, so the day wasn't really a waste. I was still glad I was able to go out rather than to stay at home.

The day after the next, Kim, a public teacher I had befriended at the party, invited me for a night of drinks. Since I am very fond of her bubbly personality, I instantly said yes. She said she also asked two others, and one of them was Uno. This time, it went by pretty great. The four of us shared things about ourselves over a bottle of gold tequila mixed with Coke. Through their stories, I got to know them more intimately. This was when I began to get interested at Uno. Suddenly, I had this unexplained thirst to know more about him. His job, a brief summary of his past relationships and heartbreaks, and other personal details. I measured his personality, concluding that he's a lot more than meets the eye. I dug deeper, trying to be subtle about it. I went home afterwards and found myself thinking about him most of the time. I was so confused myself, and I knew that that is not good. But I didn't stop myself.

We gathered again for a couple of times more with Kim's friends in addition. Knowing I would see and be with Uno again made me excited. I was looking forward to our drinking sessions. I had met and got to know more people, but it's still Uno who I was most interested with. I was getting drawn to him the more I spend time with him. Soon, it began to dawn on me that I am starting to develop deeper feelings for him. And it actually saddened me.

It saddened me because I know it is wrong. By harboring romantic feelings for Uno, I'm jeopardizing my relationship with Ace. The feelings I'm silently brewing was beginning to rock the boat in an ominous way. So I thought of one solution: to write. I wrote an entry containing my thoughts to help me let go and forget, to help me stop my feelings from advancing, and posted it on the first day of 2014. I saw it as a form of confession to everyone. I thought that by telling it to the world, it would help me to further kill the idea that had been pestering in my mind. I asked Ace to read it, and he just took the issue lightly, telling me not to worry and assuring me that I could get past this. He said that it was just a simple crush. Just a fleeting thought that I will forget eventually. Unfortunately, Ace was wrong for I did not.Without him knowing, that simple crush was turning into something more serious with each passing day.

Uno had also read the said post, and quickly deduced that he's the one I was talking about. To my surprise, he confessed to me through a phone call that he has intimate feelings for me as well. He was suppressing them only because he knows I already have someone in my life, and that it would not end well should he decide to push it. Sorrow filled me like a sudden rush of blood to the head. There we were, two people who have mutual feelings for each other but can't do anything about it because of valid circumstances. So Uno and I agreed to put a complete stop on it. We made an agreement not to meet and talk again, for the good of us both, to prevent one of us from potentially getting a broken heart.

However, fate did not let us succeed.

The gang decided to hold one last drinking session before we continue on with our lives. Uno and I were hesitant at first, but we decided to made an exception for them because they have nothing to do with what's happening with us. And because it would be our chance to say goodbye properly in person.

If I had only known that it would be a bad idea, then I would've said no instantly.

The night came and, as usual, the drinks were overflowing. Uno told us that he must leave after a few hours because he's the designated driver to bring his dad to the airport—his old man was to return overseas for work—so he didn't drink much. I too drank a little because I wanted to keep myself sober. I didn't want to be drunk when the "talk" happens.

An hour past midnight, when all were busy getting more drunk, I motioned Uno to go downstairs to do, once and for all, what we went there for. The others have an idea of what's going on between me and Uno, so they let us excused ourselves. It felt awkward as we sat alone on the couch of the living room.

Our heartfelt conversation went on and ended in an unexpected way. One thing led to another and, after a few days, I just found myself inside that bus, sitting as I wallow in despair. I was so stressed as I continue to think about that final night Uno and I had. I couldn't imagine facing Ace with that guilt. I'd rather jump on a cliff rather than prolong the suffering I was trying to endure.

As the airport came into view, my heart beat faster and louder. I felt like fainting, a shiver running down ominously down my spine. I knew that I should reap what I sow, even though I was still far from being ever ready for it.

To be continued...

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Voices Crying In The Wilderness

The end of my relationship with Ace definitely cost me a lot of things, but I never expected that I would also lose the people I consider as my closest friends. It only added insult to the already grim injury that I tried to endure for a long time.

Ace is inarguably a great guy, not just as a lover, but also as a friend. He is very friendly and he knows how to hold decent and interesting conversations. I am glad that in the course of our relationship, Lanie, Rey, and Theo have easily come to love him, treating him like an older brother. Without much effort, the three of them became pretty fond of him sooner than I predicted. So when I decided to break his heart, theirs were broken as well. They even tried to help us repair the damage I had done, but their efforts were in vain. They just made themselves constantly available to him as per my request. Consequently, I believe that they had been an immense help to Ace. If not for them, it would've taken him a hell of a lot worse to deal with the break up.

Well, I actually didn't mind it. At first.

I was grateful that they continued to offer support to Ace, but when news reached me that they were also trying to assist Ace when he decided to start dating again, I began to see the disadvantages of the situation. Spending more time with Ace than they do with me is one thing, but insisting to meet his dating choices too (as well as almost befriending them) is another. I felt betrayed. I considered their actions foul. To me, I was their friend first; they only became friends with Ace through me, so technically, they are mine originally.  I needed them to know that I'm uncomfortable with it. They had to be stopped.

I tried to talk to Ace first, but it ended up badly (as I recounted in an earlier story), so I approached Rey a few days later instead, giving him a piece of my mind.

"Tol, please naman. 'Wag naman kayong ganon," I told Rey over the phone.

"Bakit ka ba ganyan, Sep? Bakit hindi namin pwedeng gawin 'yun? Ayan ka na naman sa pagiging possessive mo. Pati kami inaangkin mo. Naging malapit na kaibigan na rin namin si Ace, at gusto namin siyang maging masaya. Gusto lang namin kilatisin yung mga ka-date niya, para hindi na siya masaktan ulit gaya nung ginawa mo," he explained.

"Ouch... Ok, given na 'yun, sige. Pinipilit ko namang intindihin eh. Hindi ko kayo pag-aari para ipagdamot, oo, pero sana naman isipin niyo rin yung nararamdaman ko ngayon. Walang problema kung maging kaibigan niyo pa rin si Ace, pero sana naman 'wag niyo nang kaibiganin pati yung bago niyang boyfriend. Respeto naman sa'kin, tol. Please lang," I begged.

"Alam mo Sep, ang labo mo talaga. Iniwan mo na siya di ba? Bakit ka pa rin masyadong affected?" he taunted.

That caught me by surprise. Arguing with Rey can be very difficult; his stubbornness often stresses me out. I stumbled for a reply, trying to avoid his loaded questions, "Rey, please listen to me. Hear me out, tol. Alam mo kung sakaling iwan mo man si Theoknock on woodsa'yo pa rin ako kakampi, ikaw ang iko-comfort ko, unless sabihin mo din sa akin na i-comfort ko rin siya. Bakit? Kasi nakilala ko lang naman si Theo thru you eh. Ikaw talaga ang kaibigan ko, kaya sa'yo ako kakampi kahit ikaw pa ang may kasalanan ng break up niyo. Nage-gets mo ba? Kung sakaling mag-break kayo ni Theo, hindi ko gagawin sa'yo yung ginagawa niyo sa akin ngayon..."

Rey became quiet for several seconds. I took it as a sign that he's beginning to grasp what I was saying.

"So ano, tol?" I probed.

"Geosef, can we just drop this? You just have to deal with it, tol. Ito ang epekto ng ginawa mo, so please be brave enough and accept it. Akala ko ba nag-usap na kayo ni Ace tungkol dito? Akala ko naintindihan mo na? Be consistent, Sepsep. Kung affected ka pa rin, eh di balikan mo si Ace. Para wala nang ganitong issue," he said, irritated.

"Tol, alam mo namang nakapagdesisyon na ako, 'di ba?" I reminded him.

"Then move on as well! Ace is doing his best to move on, and you're hindering him by trying to control us. Wala na kong maririnig about this again, okay?" Rey snapped.

The point I'm trying to make had been thwarted. Again. It was extremely frustrating, having this lone voice. And I'm just wasting it by crying out in the wilderness, to no avail. Starting then, however, I kept myself mum about it, pushing the matter no further. I love these three, and I am prepared to endure the suffering in silence. I never brought it up again.

But my patience also has its limits.

The five of us had this scheduled trip to Guimaras in June. All were already set since late last year: the plane tickets, the tour, the accommodation, and the itinerary. Unfortunately, a week before our flight, Ace had been given an emergency assignment by his company. He had to fly to California and stay there for 2 weeks due to an important conference. There was nothing he could do to avoid it, so it was just me, Lanie, Rey, and Theo who continued with the trip.

Things were okay at first. We explored the recommended sights, made frequent swims in their white-sand beach, did island hopping, enjoyed the mangoes, and maximized our relaxation to the fullest. We exchanged stories, jokes, and insults, like what we usually do. I expected that it would stay like that until we go home, but things suddenly turned sour, much to my confusion. I began to notice that they get irritated at me easily even though I'm barely doing anything. They talk to me less and less. They get quiet every time I enter the room. They immediately snap at me whenever I try to open my mouth. I only receive sarcasm whenever I voice out my opinion regarding with whatever they're talking about. There were several times when they seem revolted upon seeing me. Theo was the first one to turn hostile, followed by Lanie, and then Rey. I was burning to ask them, but I feared they will only say something hurtful. I sincerely wished for Ace to be there with us, since he could protect me from all the hostility they were throwing at me, but alas he was miles away. I had absolutely no idea about what was going on, but I remained quiet. That persisted until we returned home.

I went home in pain. That dreadful trip left me confused and wondering, Why did they treat me like that? Did I do anything wrong? If yes, why didn't they just tell it to me? It made me realize that they don't actually respect me, they insult whenever they can, and they ignore the things I say. They made me feel like some trash: disgusting, dispensable, and worthless. For the first time in many years, I felt alone. Friendless. Abandoned.

I decided that I have to do one thing: as much as I regret it, I must now burn our bridges. The connection must be completely severed. I had to do it to shield myself from further pain, from enduring more suffering from all of them.

I started with Facebook. I unfriended the three of them, no longer wanting to receive any updates about their lives. I untagged all of my tagged pictures from them, and I deleted photos as well as entire albums featuring them. I did the same with the photo gallery in my phone, also erasing their numbers in my contacts. I wanted to forget every memory I have of each of them. I wanted to remove every trace that could make me remember that I had them in my life. I was in anguish while doing all of it. Losing a lover can break you into two, but losing a true friend is worse: it can shatter you into unmanageable pieces. But I did my best to convince myself that I ended what must be finished. It was the death of something I regret losing, but I must begin to accept the fate of our friendship. It's quite funny that a friendship of 12 years could go down the drain as easy as that. I forced myself to believe that I don't need them anymore, that I can survive without friends, and that the only path now is forward, alone.

However, it was really not a very easy thing to accomplish.

Several days passed by without hearing anything from them. The reason was quick to appear in front of me, in bold letters: they simply don't care, Geosef. It inflicted me more pain than I refuse to admit. They did blocked me on Facebook as a form of retaliation, but a single word from them, I heard nothing. More questions burned in my mind, but I knew that they'll just go unanswered. Not until one day, when I received a call. It was from Ace.

"Sep, what is happening?" he started. I heard a hint of worry in his voice.

"Huh? What do you mean?" I asked.

"Naiintindihan ko kung bakit mo ko in-unfriend sa Facebook, and that's okay, pero bakit naman pati yung tatlo? What's the problem this time?"

"Ayaw ko na, Ace. Gusto ko ng manahimik. Sa iyo na silang tatlo."

"Is this about the 'who's the friend of who' thing again? Sepsep naman, akala ko napag-usapan na natin 'yan? 'Wag mo naman silang ganyanin, mga matagal mo nang kaibigan ang mga 'yan."

"I didn't. They decided it for themselves. They chose your side, so I'm setting them free."

"C'mon, Sep. You know that's not true."

"Wala ka kasi nung Guimaras, Ace. Kung nakita mo lang kung paano nila ako trinato, kung paano nila ako kausapin, tignan..." I said, recounting to him the rest of what happened in that trip, including the conversation I had with Rey several days after my birthday celebration in his house.

He was silent for a moment, contemplating my story.

"You got it all wrong..." he said.

"Bakit ako lang? Ako na naman? Lahat na lang kasalanan ko. Palagi naman eh," I protested, slightly annoyed.

"No, I mean kayong apat. You guys got it all wrong. This is all just a big misunderstanding."

"How come? Ang linaw-linaw kaya. Ayaw na nila sa akin."

"Makinig ka muna, okay? I will explain."

I decided not to answer, so Ace continued, "Alam mo bang ikinuwento ni Rey kay Theo yung napag-usapan niyo? Yung tungkol doon sa sinabi mo na kapag naghiwalay sila, kay Rey ka kakampi. Alam mo bang nagtampo si Theo dahil doon?"

"Bakit naman niya kailangang magtampo? Totoo naman yung sinabi ko ah. Hindi ba ganoon naman talaga dapat? Si Rey ang original kong kaibigan. Naging kaibigan ko si Theo dahil boyfriend siya ni Rey, so malamang kapag naghiwalay sila, mapuputol na ang friendship ko kay Theo, unless na manatili silang maging magkaibigan na lang after ng break up. Matalino si Theo, expect ko na maiintindihan niya 'yun," I said.

"Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo, Sepsep? Ganyan talaga ang takbo ng isip mo?"

"I don't see kung ano man ang mali sa mga sinabi ko. Atsaka hypothetical lang 'yun, Ace. Sinabi ko kaya  specificially na 'if ever lang naman na maghiwalaya sila'. Di ba nila gets? If ever lang naman. Alam ko namang malayong mangyari na mag-split sila."

"Nasaktan sila sa sinabi mo, Sep. Iniisip ni Theo eh hindi talaga kaibigan ang tingin mo sa kanya. Matapos ang lahat ng concern at advices na binigay niya sa'yo, itinuring ka na rin niyang best friend, pero hanggang 'boyfriend ng best friend mo' lang pala ang tingin mo sa kanya. Ang inisip niya, napipilitan ka lang naman pala na pakisamahan siya all this time."

"What? 'Yun ang nakuha niya sa mga sinabi ko? Pero hindi 'yun ang ibig kong sabihin, Ace!"

"Kaya nga sabi ko ay isang malaking misunderstanding ang nangyari di ba? Pero aminin mo Sep, tama yung mga sinabi ni Theo. Nung narinig ko 'yun, ganun din ang unang inisip ko eh. Ikaw lang ang hindi nakapansin doon sa bad points ng pananaw mo."

"Eh bakit pati sila Rey and Lanie galit sa akin?"

"Duh. Disappointed si Rey when he heard that from you. Napagtanto niya na kapag naghiwalay sila, imbes na subukan mong tulungan sila na magkaayos, kakampi ka lang sa kanya para mag-comfort. Ni hindi mo man lang susubukang gawin sa kanila 'yung mga ginawa nilang effort noon para magkabalikan tayong dalawa. Feel niya wala kang kahit anong affection kay Theo. Boyfriend kaya niya 'yun. He expects na you will care about Theo too dahil mahal niya 'yun, even as much as loving him as well. Kasi sa totoo lang, ganoon din naman siya sa akin. Si Lanie naman, ewan ko lang. Baka nahawa na lang sa negative thoughts nila..." Ace explained. "So ano Sep, naintindihan mo na ba?"

It was all beginning to dawn on me. The blanks in the story had finally been filled with answers, answers which I had been waiting for so long. Ace was right, I was actually a jerk for everything I have said. Guilt and shame suddenly swirled within me, overtaking my defensive thoughts. Without me knowing, I was actually the first one to cast the stone; they just threw it back after they got hit.

"Yes, I do now. Pero Ace, it's not right that they ganged up on me. It would have been better if kinausap na lang sana nila ako."

"Pinilit nilang maging okay nung nasa Guimaras kayo. Pero hindi talaga maitago ni Theo yung sama ng loob niya sa'yo. Pati si Lanie, hindi rin napigilan ang inis. Sinubukan actually ni Rey na i-pacify sila, kaso pati siya nahawa na rin eventually," he recalled. "Tapos, 'yun nga, you made it worse with what you did on Facebook. They were really pissed off, Sepsep. Rey won't admit it, pero he's really hurt. Kilala mo naman 'yun, kunwari hindi affected pero kapag nabanggit ang name mo ay biglang nagiging masungit. Si Lanie tahimik lang, pero alam kong nasaktan din siya. Sabi niya gusto ka lang naman daw nila matuto at magbago, kaya naging ganoon ang parusa nila sa'yo. They are just concerned about you, kahit na inis rin sila sa'yo."

What he said saddened me so much. My eyes began to moist and my voice was starting to get croaky.

"Sep, I think kailangan niyo lang talaga mag-usap. Parehas kayong may fault sa nangyari," Ace suggested.

"Hindi na kailangan 'yun, Ace. Ayaw ko na talaga," I declared.

"Why? Antagal mo na silang kaibigan, Sep. More than a decade na. Please don't just throw it all away. They only care about you."

"Alam mo Ace, tulad ko, hindi rin naman sila perpekto eh. Meron din silang mga ugali na hindi ko gusto, pero kahit kailan, sa tinagal-tagal na kaibigan ko sila, I never punished them for their flaws. Hindi ba dapat ang tunay na kaibigan ay tanggapin ka ng buo? Bakit nila ako kailangang baguhin sa pamamagitan ng mga parusa? Tanggap ko ang mga kakulangan nila, and I love them for what they are, as a whole. So bakit nila ginagawa sa akin 'yun? Palagi na lang ganyan , noon pa, pero ngayon lang ako nagsalita."

Ace fell silent. He knew I was right.

"If they won't accept me, and instead, continue to change me for what they think is ideal to them, then I think our friendship should no longer continue. I see no reason to prolong it. What's done is done, including the damages," I said.

"Well, I hope you'll still change your mind, Sep. Maybe you just need some time off from each other. I believe na maayos niyo pa rin yan, lalo na kapag na-miss niyo ang isa't-isa. Kailangan niyo lang talaga mag-usap," he said, sounding hopeful.

"I dunno. Basta, I already made my decision. Thanks for the call, Ace. I appreciate it," I said, ending the conversation.

I was deep in thought after that call. It's astonishing that a simple misunderstanding could destroy 12 years worth of friendship. I am not sure who is really at fault, but I won't deny if I share a big part of it. Well, when hurtful words were already said and bridges were done being burnt, as if pointing fingers still matter anyway.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Letter Break 12 ~ Letter Of Resignation

Dear reader,

I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as the author of this blog, Alfabeto Della Mia Vita, effective once I finished the 2nd volume of my alphabet.

Thank you for all the time you have given me since the very beginning. I have really enjoyed writing for you, and I appreciate the support you always provide me during this exciting journey of mine as a blogger. But as we all know, everything has an end, and blogs are not an exception to that. I am quite sad to realize that mine had to come sooner than expected. Earlier this year, I almost quit blogging because of an unforeseen circumstance. But now, I believe it's for good.

In the next 14 entries, including a final Letter Break and an epilogue, I am planning to tell you the much overdue and yet untold story of everything that had happened to me since 2014 began: how Ace and I broke up, the people involved, and the events that occurred afterward. I trust that this would be the most fitting conclusion to this blog which I have loved and kept for more than a year now.

However, I would like to warn you as early as now that from here onwards, things won't be cheerful, but I'm still hoping that you'll be with me until it's over. I would also like to ask you to keep an open mind. I know that there's a chance I will be judged because of my actions, but I am asking you to read first and try your best to understand. Every story has a lesson, you just have to be patient for it. I hope that you will learn a lot from these stories, like I did, and that you'll find it as another satisfying experience after reaching the end.

If I can be of any help during this transition, please let me know. Until then, rest assured that I will give you my all.

Geoseffe G. Garcia

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Usapang Otoko

For me, ang mga lalake ay parang tinapay: masarap, staple, and important for regular consumption. May malinamnam, may nakakauta, may malaman, may manipis, merong chewy at merong tustado, may dry, may moist, mayroong malalaki at meron ding maliliit, merong fresh, merong stale, merong siksik, at pati puro hangin lang ang laman.

Maraming uri meron ang tinapay: pandesal, tasty, monay, spanish, mamon, etc. Iba't-iba man ang hugis at itsura, iisa lamang ang lasa nila. Ang tinapay ay tinapay. Period. Masarap man ito, maaaring madali kang mananawa sa lasa if you'll continue to eat it by itself. The solution? Lagyan mo ng palaman 'teh.

Madalas kung minsan, para sa mga kiddos, mas mahalaga ang anyo ng tinapay, pero sa mga adults, mas importante ang palaman. Mayroong mukhang yummy, pero nakaka-disappoint sa unang kagat pa lang. Mayroong nakakawalang-gana pagmasdan, pero paniguradong mauubos mo. Merong maganda na, masarap pa. At meron ding iluluwa mo talaga dahil parehong di kaaya-aya ang loob at labas.

Hindi mo malalaman sa tingin, kailangang tikman mo rin.

Uy, nag-rhyme yun ah. lol... Anyway, with this post, let me share with you kung anu-anong palaman ang paborito ko sa aking mga otoko, ay este, tinapay pala.


Isa ito sa mga palaman na aking kinalakihan. Being sweet and unique, hindi ito agad nakakaumay at may lasang hahanap-hanapin mo. Yun nga lang, mahirap i-spread ang coco jam sa tinapay. Ubod ng lapot kasi ito, minsan nga matigas pa. Pero kahit malaking effort man, sa sarap nito ay siguradong worth it naman.

Ganyan rin ang bet ko sa lalaki: may originality and hindi easy to get. Papadain ka muna sa butas ng karayom dahil alam niyang karapat-dapat siya sa effort na ibibigay mo. I admire men that could offer something different. Mas masarap ang kagat ng tagumpay kung pinaghirapan mo muna ito.


May isang dahilan kung bakit mas prefer ko ang cookie butter kaysa sa peanut butter. Parehas ko man silang gusto, naiinis ako sa tuwing binubuksan ko ang garapon ng peanut butter at nakikita kong nagmantika siya. Kailangan pa kasing haluin ng haluin; kaya sa kakahalo, parang nako-confuse tuloy siya lalo kung ano ba talaga dapat ang kanyang anyo. Hindi siya stable at consistent, di gaya ng cookie butter—creamy na, yummy pa.

Stability and consistency. Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, importante ang makahanap ng stable na hombre. Yung mayroong mga pangarap at goals, tapos alam niya kung paano ang pag-abot ng mga ito. Dapat lang din na consistent siya sa pag-express ng kanyang pagmamahal. Hindi yung sala sa init, sala sa lamig; minsan malinaw, minsan malabo; o papalit-palit from sweet to bitter, and vice versa.


Of course, like Cheez Whiz, dapat marunong ding magpaka-cheesy si boylet. Yung cheesy na romantic, hindi creepy ha. There should always be an allowance for cheesiness and silliness for they are key ingredients of a happy relationship.


Swak ipalaman ang butter sa mainit na pan de sal. Madali kasi itong matunaw kaya dumidikit sa tinapay ang lasa. Dapat ganito ang isang ideal guy, easy to soften at hindi hard to maintain. Mabilis mag-mellow dahil hindi mataas ang pride. Kahit gaano man katigas kapag cold, meron pa ring soft side: hindi mahirap palambutin if you apply some warm affection.


Bakit dalawa ang cheese sa list na ito?

May isang quality ang Eden Cheese (and the likes) na wala ang Cheez Whiz: ang pagiging totoo. Para sa akin kasi, ang real cheese ay yung nasa solid form, samantalang yung mga thick liquid na cheese spread ay imitation or artificial lang. I could be wrong, but yun na kasi ang naging point of view ko mula pagkabata.

Anyway, ang point ko lang naman, dapat ang mamahalin kong otoko ay yung honest at trustworthy. Hindi mapagpanggap. Yung totoo sa kanya sarili at sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya. He should know how to be open kahit makakasakit man, and respects you enough to tell you the truth. Nothing is more attractive than a man who can say the truth because he trusts that you can handle it.


Ang mga tingin ko sa lalaking mga family-oriented ay parang mayo and egg sandwich. Sa tuwing merong outing ang family ko, expected ko nang ito ang palaman ng mga baon naming loaf bread. I like eggs and I like mayo. Put them in a bread together and it's a blast! Kung magkakaroon ako ng partner, mahalaga sa akin na maganda ang relationship niya sa kanyang pamilya. You can know a lot about a person just by looking at how he treats his family.


I like my strawberry jam the way I like my men: sweet and made in Baguio. *wink*

There you go, sisters. Masyado bang malayo ang comparison? 'Wag na lang kayong basag trip, pwede? lol

Gaano man kasarap at ka-fresh ang isang tinapay, in the long run, sa palaman lang din naman actually nagkakatalo 'yan. Dahil familiar ka na sa lasa ng panlabas, nagsisimula ka nang mag-focus kung ano ang nasa loob, kung ano ang mas importante, para mas angat ang enjoyment mo. Kaya kilatisin mabuti ang bawat palaman gaya ng pagiging choosy mo sa lalaki. Ikaw rin, mahirap ang magsisi sa huli.

So ikaw ba, which spreads do you like on your bread? :)

Monday, September 29, 2014

Usapang Ombre

I love men. They all come in different kinds, shapes, and sizes.

Aminado akong may pagka-choosy ako. Hindi porke may 'bird' na tumitilaok sa pagitan ng iyong mga hita ay magti-twinkle-twinkle-little-star na agad ang aking mga mata. Like everyone else (na baklang tulad ko), may certain species lang ng 'birds' ang pinaglalawayan kong tikman.

Well, lahat naman tayo'y may kanya-kanyang tipo at timpla sa mga lalaking nagpapalibog sa'tin. That's something which is perfectly normal for us humans. We can have individual choices honed by what we prefer, which are based on our experiences as we grow up. Physically gifted man o hindi, lahat tayo ay may karapatang maging choosy. Boring ang life kung walang choices, amirite?

I have these preferences that I consider 'normal'. There are also those that I find different. I wouldn't call them 'abnormal', but rather 'eccentric'. I'm sure hindi lang ako ang ganito. At dahil sa mga 'eccentric' preferences na 'to, I feel na hindi naman ako masyadong maarte sa choices ko. In other words, low-level lang ang choosiness ko. Simple lang naman kasi akong bakla.

So, ano nga ba ang mga tipong lalaki ni Sepsep?

Ang sagot: marami. And I don't know where to start. lol

Oh well, sa kanila ko na lang sisimulan:
Sino ang hindi mapapasambit ng "Hmmm... Yummy!" kapag nasisilayan ang ating pambansang rugby team? Favorite ko ang larong rugby, kahit na hindi ako sporty at wala akong kaalam-alam sa mga rules nito. Malamang alam niyo na ang dahilan. It's such a delight to watch these sweaty men pushing, hugging, and groping each other just for a ball. Ang swerte ng bola, pinag-aagawan siya ng mga naglalakihang otoko. Pucha, kainggit much.

Mahilig kasi ako sa beefy. Sila yung merong naghuhumindig na muscles sa dibdib, mga braso, at mga hita. Hindi po gaya nitong sila kuya ha:
Kaumay sa maskels! Parang hazardous kapag niyakap mo sila. Sa gym na yata nakatira ang mga ito.

Actually, sila po ang tinutukoy ko:
Hooo di ba? Malalaki ang katawan, pero may kaunting taba pa rin. Ang sarap lang magpaakbay at magpayakap sa kanila, especially on a cold rainy day. You'll feel very secure within their arms. May personal bodyguard ka na, may intimate lover ka pa. Ultimate hair lengthening ang effect!

Pero ibang usapan na kung beefy na nga, tapos rugby player pa. Parang siya:
Si Papa Ben Cohen, ang aking ultimate crush sa mundo ng rugby. His irresistible smile, his hairy body, his thick arms and thighs, his plump butt... Everything about him is so nyarap! Another great thing about this piece of hunk is his advocacy against bullying. He is also a supporter of LGBT rights even though he's legitimately straight. Nagpatayo pa talaga siya ng foundation para sa species natin. Hindi lang siya physically gifted, admirable rin ang kanyang pagkatao, kaya naman sobrang in love ako sa kanya. Naglaway naman ako. Pati sa ibaba. Tissue nga please!

Noong bata ako, gustong-gusto ko ang WWE hindi dahil sa action, kundi dahil sa mga barako na mistulang naka-underwear lang, like them:
Bugbugan, hampasan, balyahan, at kung ano-ano pang moves na madalas naming gayahin ng mga pinsan ko sa kabila ng paulit-ulit na warning na 'Do not try this at home.' Halos semi-naked na kasi ang mga wrestler na mahilig pagdikitin ang kanilang mga pawis na katawan. Wala pa kong access sa gay porn noon so that's the closest I could get myself some man to man action. Ini-imagine ko na lang na naglalambingan lang sila instead na nag-aaway, o di kaya mga mag-fubu na may LQ.

Nung na-discover ko ang UFC, doon naman ako na-addict. Sino ba naman kasing baklita ang hindi mapapatitig sa ganitong mga eksena:
Nakakaloka! Eto pa oh:
Effective 'to lalo na kung malakas ang imagination mo na gaya ko. Keri na kung may dugo, basta magyakapan lang sila hanggang maabot ko ang langit. lol

Sa panahon ngayon, sino pa ba ang hindi familiar sa HBO series na 'Game of Thrones'? Mapa-girl, mapa-boy, bakla man o tomboy ay nanonood nito. Aside from the numerous surprises and twists in its epic story, sagana rin ang show na ito sa mga nude scenes. Ito yung tipo ng palabas na hindi mo pwedeng panoorin kasama ng parents o lolo't lola mo. Hitik ito sa frontal nudity, outdoor sex, and bed scenes. Ultimo rape and BDSM ay meron.

Sa dami ng yummy characters nito, dalawa ang pinakapinagpapantasyahan ko. Una siya:
Khal Drogo was the powerful warlord of the biggest Dothraki tribe in Essos, portrayed by Jason Mamoa. Brutal siya at warfreak, pero sobrang lakas ng sex appeal. Hilig niya ang dog style at backdoor entry; hindi ako kumukurap tuwing may eksena siyang mistulang straight out of a porn movie. Unfortunately, maaga siyang namatay (oops, spoiler), pero isa siya dahilan kung bakit na-enjoy ko ang season 1.

And the second one is:
Ser Gregor Clegane, also called 'The Mountain That Rides', is a knight of the Seven Kingdoms full of bloodlust, portrayed by Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (his name is a mouthful). Looking at the pics, obvious naman siguro kung gaano siya karahas at kaborta. Sadly, wala pa siyang sex scenes, pero umaasa ako na magkakaroon din siya balang-araw. Ewan ko ba, pero I have this affinity towards violent-looking men. Parang ang sarap lang magpa-kidnap at magpa-rape dito kay ser Gregor. #MasochistMuch

Siyempre hindi rin naman magpapahuli ang mga inii-stalk hinahangan kong local celebrities. Heto sila, ang mga madalas na bida ng aking mga panaginip:
Unahin na natin si Doc Ferds, ang hottest veterinarian in the Philippines. Kilay pa lang, ulam na. Wala pa diyan ang achievements niya sa buhay. Kahit di ako nanonood ng T.V., sinubaybayan ko talaga ang Survivor Philippines dahil sa kanya. Minsan nga iniisip ko na sana naging hayop na lang ako para lang mahimas niya. Meron siyang isa pang assistant na yummy din, pero mas prefer ko itong si Doc Ferds. Fresh na fresh palagi.
Look at Papa Joem, parang ang sarap lang pupugin ng halik di ba? *ooh* Those lips... He resembles Piolo Pascual, but much better-looking. Imagine my reaction nung nakita ko yung picture niya with Jake Cuenca sa ilog, halos mabaliw ako sa tuwa. Muntik na akong magpa-party.
When I first laid my eyes on Papa Geoff, na-in love agad ako sa kanya. Boyfriend material kasi siya tignan. Maamo ang mukha, mukhang maganda ang personality, pero wild in bed. Meron siyang issue lately sa home network niya because of his weight, kaya naman nag-gym siya for a time. Pero chubby man siya o fit, mahal na mahal ko siya. Kung pagbibigyan man ako ng Diyos na maka-sex siya, pwede na akong mamatay anytime.
Kung meron mang anghel sa lupa, isa na doon si Baby Aki. Yung ngiti pa lang niya na 'yan, pwede nang gayuma, without fail. Parang ang sarap lang niya alagaan at pagsilbihan, tapos sa kama ka niya babayaran. Kahit magpa-alila na ako sa kanya forever.
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Hindi ko alam kung sino kila Papa Geoff at Daddy Vic ang ultimate crush ko, pero sigurado akong hindi huli sa listahan si Daddy Vic. Look at him, just look at him! Kailangan ko pa bang i-explain? Maituturing na sobrang suitable itong si Daddy Vic, yung tipong ipapakilala mo agad sa parents mo, no second thoughts. Sideline niya lang ang showbiz career niya dahil ang pagiging isang business manager ang talagang peg niya sa buhay. Pamilyadong tao na si Daddy Vic pero walang kupas pa rin ang kanyang yumminess.
Gusto-gusto ko yung Español look ni Papa Sid. Those innocent eyes and that facial hair are his best features. I often imagine us having a candlelit dinner while talking about ourselves all night, just having fun. Ang romantic lang di ba? That's how I see Papa Sid. He's a stellar actor, proven by his latest film 'Norte, Hangganan ng Kasaysayan'.

Pagdating naman sa mga otokong naka-uniporme, malakas ang dating sa akin ng mga pulis, mga sundalo, security guards, mga piloto, seamen, bouncers, construction workers, etc. Ang lakas kasi maka-barako ng trabaho nila. Example:
Dahil fetish ko ito, marami akong fantasies involving them. Feeling ko, ang sarap lang hubarin ng damit nila one piece at a time habang binubusog ko ang mga mata ko. And then sabayan mo pa ng roleplay. Exciting! Titillating! Exhilarating! Definitely a dream come true.

For me, ang mga lalaki ay parang hard liquor: the more mature, the better. That's why may special place sa puso ko ang older men:
I have this belief na if mahilig ka sa daddy-type, may chance na na-molestya ka nung bata ka pa. Ako kasi ganon. And marami rin akong kilala na kagaya ko. Akala ko nung una ay nag-iisa lamang ako, pero as I meet new people, nalaman kong marami pala kami. Though may ganito akong fetish, wala akong nararamdamang pagnanasa sa tatay o mga lolo ko. Hindi ko kaya ang ganoong level ng incest no. Tito o ninong siguro, pwede pa. lol

I also have a weakness for hairy men.
Because of their genes, matataas ang testosterone level ng mga balbon. And if high ang testosterone, mas manly ang pag-develop ng katawan. Nanghihina ako sa tuwing nakaka-sight ng balbas-sarado. Kaya target kong mapuntahan ang Middle East balang araw. Pero magbabaon muna ako ng multi-vitamins, baka kasi di na ako makatayo sa sobrang panghihina dun. Kailangang makatayo, para makarami!

Dahil top ang role ko sa bed, favorite ko yung mga ganito:
*hmmm* Ulalam! Ang sarap gawing almusal, tanghalian, at hapunan ang ganyang pwet. Irresistible sa tambok, nakaka-gigil tapik-tapikin, at yummy kagat-kagatin. Kapag nakakakita ako ng otokong may bubble butt, parang gusto kong isubsob ang mukha ko at gawin siyang unan. *hihi*

Of course, because I am not muscular or manly myself, hindi ko na inaasahan pa na makakuha ng gaya ng mga nasa itaas. Solve na ako sa mga gaya kong skinny-fat ang katawan, as long as may looks, at lalo na kung chinito rin. Iba kasi ang effect sa akin ng mga singkit, especially if chubby pa. Magwe-wet agad ang mga dapat mabasa.
Mahilig akong makipag-cuddle, lalo na after sex or kapag naglalambing. Because of their warmth and softness, masarap silang ka-snuggle sa kama. They are my most ideal type of guys.

Di ko hilig ang mas bata sa akin, tulad ng mga estudyante o kahit yung mga mukhang teenager na kaedad ko. I think this is the reason kaya hindi effective yung ginawa sa akin noon ni Jimmy. Though there are those that I find cute, especially tuwing sumasakay ako ng LRT Line 2, they don't really turn me on. Isama niyo na rin yung mga macho na nagpapaka-bagets sa porma at ugali pero they're already way past their teenage years. I find them annoying, really.

Ayaw ko rin sa twinks. I don't find slim and skinny boys ideal for snuggle o'clock. I think this is based on the fact na panganay ako sa aming magkakapatid, and puro payat pa ang siblings ko, so subconsciously, my brain tells me to avoid men which could remind me of them. Ang weird nga naman kung sa kalagitnaan ng sex ay maalala ko sila di ba. Boner killer 'yun kung magkataon.

Siyempre, alam ko naman na mas importante pa rin kung ano ang nasa panloob. The personality, beliefs, and values still make a big difference in my choices. Pero ibang topic naman na 'yun.

Ikaw ba sister, physically, what's your dream guy like? :)
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