Thursday, September 26, 2013


Obviously, my life doesn't end after letter Z.

Those stories you had read were chosen because I consider them the milestones in the first 23 years of my existence. In the middle of these milestones, there are other untold events that should not remain buried. And aside from these side stories, I know more things are yet to happen. So I decided to explore what's beyond my alphabet and those that are in between its letters; for sure, there's still so much to tell.

From here, the future is uncertain. Hopefully, I'll see you in my next entry.


Author's Note: Kudos to Rix for giving me the idea of how I will continue. I didn't expect that I would enjoy blogging by this much, so I deviated from my original plans, and I decided to go on and on and on. *heehee*

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


There you have it. The alphabet is finally complete.

To all of my readers, maraming maraming salamat po. First, because of your comments, I was able to finish what I started. Each comment, either positive or negative, always gave me the push to continue. Second, for your time. Without it, this won't be a success. I hope my stories were worth it. Lastly, for the 6000 views and 1000 comments in the span of 2 months. I am not sure if I should make a big deal out of this, but it made me very happy nonetheless.

To my followers and frequent visitors, especially those who stuck with me right from the very beginning, please accept my highest gratitude. Hindi ko na kayo iisa-isahin kasi baka may makalimutan ako; mahirap na. You know who you are guys.

To those who have yet to discover my write-ups, please accept my 'thank you' in advance. I hope you will find them enjoyable if not inspiring.

Before I go, I would like to tell you not to worry. I won't be gone indefinitely. One of my past times is blog hopping, so you will still see me leave a comment or two in posts I find interesting. Like what I stated before, "I am and will always be a blogger." *wink*

Monday, September 23, 2013

Z ~ Zenith Achieved

It was the morning of my birthday, March 21.

I was sitting in front of him. The warmth of his living room didn't help in alleviating my anxiety. I came directly from work; the fact that I still had one more night duty later was already irrelevant to me. Maybe I'll just call in sick. Besides, it was my special day. All I wanted at this moment was to talk to him, to convince him to think otherwise.

He stared at me, pain and anger evident on his face. He just arrived from the US; he went home directly from the airport. He looked weary and sleep-deprived.

I looked down at my hands, unsure of how I would begin my speech. I had given this a lot of thought beforehand, even memorized it. But all the words became lost in my head. I couldn't think clearly. My mouth was dry and my shame was sky-high.

"Sepsep, magsalita ka na. Kanina pa ako naghihintay," he said.

"Ace... Nandito ako para makipag-usap. Kung talagang ayaw mo na, at least man lang maayos natin itong gawin sa personal. I think less pain iyon para sa ating dalawa... Pero bago ka magdesisyon ng tuluyan, sana mapakinggan mo muna ako... Please?" I begged.

He sighed. He scrutinized me for a minute and said, "Ok, go ahead."

"Sa totoo lang, may nakahanda na akong paliwanag para sa kasalanan ko... Pero naisip ko na kahit anong sabihin kong dahilan, hinding-hindi nito maja-justify ang ginawa ko. Inaamin ko kahit sa sarili ko na nagkamali ako. Ako lang ang dapat sisihin sa nangyari..." I started as my eyes became moist.

He didn't answer, so I continued, "After nating magusap sa Skype, madami akong kinausap. Sila Lanie, si Rey, pati si Mama. Lahat sila pinagalitan ako. Sinermonan. Tapos pinayuhan. Kinausap ko din yung dalawang best friend mo. Ganon din naman ang ginawa nila. Lahat sila disappointed din sa akin, pero hinahangad pa rin nila na maayos natin to. Doon ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na kausapin ka. Na hindi sumuko. Na sa kabila ng kahihiyan ng ginawa ko, meron pa ring mga taong ayaw tayong magkahiwalay..."

"Naikwento nga sa akin nila Vanessa at Ritz ang napag-usapan nyo. Pati ako kinukumbinsi nila," he stated. I became slightly optimistic. At least he was responding. It didn't look like he would walk out on me anytime soon.

"They are hoping na ma-resolve natin itong problema. Please Ace. Hindi ko na maibabalik ang ginawa ko. Hindi ako makapagbibigay ng dahilan o alibi kung bakit ko ito nagawa. Ang magagawa ko na lang ay ang panagutan ito. Gusto kong malaman mo na inaamin ko ang pagkakamali ko at nagsisisi ako ng lubos. Natutunan ko na ang dapat kong matutunan. Please... Pagisipan mo Ace. Hindi ko pinipilit na patawarin mo ako ngayon din. Pero sana pag-isipan mo mabuti... Walang problema kahit gaano katagal. Basta maghihintay ako sa desisyon mo..." I said in between sobs.

"Anong nangyari kay JP? Wala ka bang balak makipagrelasyon sa kanya? Tutal mukhang napaligaya ka naman nya..." he quipped, but I sensed a hint of jealousy in his voice.

I looked at him straight in the eyes, reached for his hand, and said, "Before pa kita kausapin sa Skype, tinapos ko na ang communication namin. Sinabihan ko na din siya na wala na siyang dapat asahan sa akin. Sobrang guilt ang naramdaman ko after ng kasalanan ko, kaya I ended it right after..."

He didn't shook off my hand, so I took it as a good sign and resumed, "Mahal na mahal kita Ace. Sobra sobra. Nagkaroon ako ng moment of weakness. Naging mahina ako. Pero please be convinced, na hinding-hindi ko na ulit gagawin sayo iyon. Nakita ko kung paano ka nasaktan, kung ano ang mga consequences na pwedeng mangyari. At hindi ko kaya na makita kang umiiyak dahil sa akin, sobrang nasasaktan din ako. Please Ace... Don't throw this all away... Bigyan mo pa ako ng isa pang pagkakataon..."

He suddenly threw himself at me. I hugged him tightly. I couldn't help but let the tears flow. Then, he kissed me. A kiss I thought I would never experience again. I just found myself kissing him back very passionately, afraid that this might be the last time. I was savoring all the ecstasy it had brought me. When he finally let go of me, I had no idea how much time it had passed; that moment seemed very, very long.

"Na-miss kita, Sepsep. Sobra... Hindi mo lang alam kung ano ang lagay ko nung pagkatapos natin mag-usap sa Skype. Mag-isa lang ako sa hotel. Walang makausap, walang matawagang iba. Parang akong mababaliw..." he said.

I just stared at him. I was speechless. Extreme guilt overtook my ability to talk.

"Nung nasa eroplano ako, buo na ang desisyon ko na patatawarin kita. Sabi kasi ni Ritz na tutal bata ka pa naman daw at prone pa sa pagkakamali. Sabi naman ni Vanessa, inamin mo naman daw ang ginawa mo. And that's not a very easy thing to do. Naramdaman daw nila yung sincerity at pagmamahal mo sa akin kahit ganoon man ang nangyari. Bilib sila sayo kasi napaka-mature daw ng ginawa mo. Kaya nag-isip ako ng mabuti. Tinimbang ko kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko. Masakit, oo, pero masaya ako kahit papaano kasi umamin ka... Ang totoo nga nyan, namili agad ako kanina, right after I arrived. Namili ako ng mga iluluto ko para sa birthday mo ngayon. Bumili na din ako ng cake..." he continued, "Happy birthday ha. Mahal na mahal kita, Sepsep."

I glanced at the kitchen and I saw a few shopping bags. I was overflowing with bliss now.

"Wow... Eh paano pala kung hindi ako pumunta ngayon? Kung hindi na ako nag-effort na ayusin ito?" I asked.

"Well... I guess ise-celebrate ko mag-isa ang birthday mo. Magluluto pa din ako at kakain mag-isa. Kaya buti na lang talaga at nandito ka..." he answered.

Truly, what I had in my arms right then was life's gift to me. He was a blessing I was very thankful of; someone worth keeping, and someone I know I could be with for the rest of my life. And I am so glad that I didn't let him go, that I fought for our relationship, and that he gave me another chance.

I will never screw this up, never again.


I checked the digital clock sitting at the desk. It's already 5:46PM; the date, September 23, 2013. Today is the day Ace and I celebrate our 3rd anniversary, here in the 9th room on the 15th floor of the hotel where we are currently staying in.

I looked outside the window. The silhouettes of Shangri-La and Ascott were clearly visible against the final rays of sunset. Its warm light blanketing the entirety of Makati before it will soon vanish to let the darkness of the night have its chance. I'm looking forward to see the city lights overtake the majestic view I am enjoying at this very moment.

I turned my gaze towards the bed. Ace is lying idly on it, his eyes fixed on the TV. I studied his figure. His face is still as entrancing as ever. He caught me staring at him and smiled. Oh, that smile... The same smile which gave my stomach some butterflies the first time I saw it. He has gotten a bit stocky; he quit the gym a few months after we began our relationship. But I don't really mind. 

Surprisingly, the sex is still great. One might expect that after 3 years, it should've gotten lame and sporadic. However, in our case, it remained hot and wild, yet soft and endearing. We are always innovative when it comes to it, finding new ways to pleasure one another, discovering new things in the process. I guess him being away on business trips for weeks on a regular basis does great help in the return of our longing and lust for each other. He is my weekly exercise, and an intense one at that.

People might say that after what I did early this year, he doesn't deserve someone like me anymore. Maybe they are right. However, I will tell them one thing: I may no longer be worthy, but I know that I still love him very much, with all my heart, more than what others can give. People might also remark, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," but I am ready to prove them wrong. He decided to give me another chance, so who am I to refuse? Every time I look at Ace, I see only a future with him. My mistake will always serve as a personal reminder for me to strive and become a better person and a deserving partner.

He gave me another glance, asking if I am already hungry. I nodded. He said I should get ready then, so that we could be early for our dinner reservation at Bistro Mondo.

As I was dressing up, I couldn't help but smile because of one thing I am sure of; that all is well from A down to Z.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Y ~ Yesterday's Guilt, Today's Confession, Tomorrow's Regret

2 days after that fateful night with JP, I talked to Ace thru Skype. I just got home from work, sleepless and tired. It was a cold morning 3 days before my birthday. Since it was currently evening in the US, his hotel room was dimmed, only the bedside lamps were on. It seemed he was preparing to go to sleep. He asked me if there was something wrong. I told him yes.

I prepared myself for this moment. I contemplated a lot, thinking of how I would spill the beans and the repercussions right after. I changed JP's number to 'DONOTREPLY13' and deleted my PR account for good. I made a pact with myself that I will never return to that website again. It is a double-edged sword that one should not risk using.

With much hesitation, I summoned up all the courage I have, and began to confess. I told him everything that had happened, from how it began up to that fateful night. I couldn't fathom his expression; I was unable to measure his emotions.

He started crying, silent but full of unspoken pain. A cry that felt like knives were chopping up my insides, especially my heart.

Did I do the right thing? Maybe it was better if he remained ignorant of it? But that would clearly be wrong. Deceiving him is not the right path to take. You did the right thing, Sepsep. It was brave of you to confess it all. There might still be a chance to save this.

I just stared at my phone's screen, letting him submit himself in a moment of sadness. I couldn't really bear seeing him in that state, but I had to force myself. I didn't avert my eyes. I had to watch him. Otherwise I would look insensitive and insincere; something that I was trying to avoid at all cost.

After several minutes of painful silence, he finally spoke, "Di bale, mahaba-haba na din naman ang dalawa't kalahating taon... Okay na sa akin yon... Salamat na lang sa pag-amin... At least hindi mo ko pinagmukhang tanga... Goodbye Geosef..."

And then he disconnected. It took me at least a minute or two to realize what happened. Then it began to sink in. I felt like going crazy, unable to breathe properly, like a coma patient being extubated from a respirator. I cried without control, burrowing my face deep in my pillows. I fell asleep unknowingly in that state.

When I woke up, what had occurred earlier dawned on me once again. I checked my Facebook; he already blocked me. I searched every messaging apps in my phone, checking to see if he's online, but to no avail. He began erasing me off his life, distancing himself from me. I didn't know what to do, who to talk to.

I was deeply concerned of his well-being. I was sure it hurt him a ton when I told him everything via online. It was impersonal and perhaps stupid. Maybe I should've held off my confession until he was face to face with me. However, since his arrival would be on the morning of my birthday, it would be a bad idea. I didn't want to lose him during that special day of mine; it might scar me forever. Also, I was unsure if I could tell it to him face to face. I mean, it was so difficult to confess thru online; how much more if it was in person? *sigh* I was a coward. I was a mess.

For the following days, I was unable to get regular sleep. I barely ate. I performed poorly at work. I was constantly restless and depressed. I couldn't even be alone for a long period of time or else I would break down. I wanted to talk to Ace, to convince him to come back. I sent him several e-mails, begging him to talk to me. However, every single message went unreplied. It seemed all hope was lost.

It was very tiring to find yourself waking up full of tears. Fears usually conquered my mind. What if he is already starting to move on? What if he already found someone new? How will I manage from here? I was new to this grief I couldn't really explain, in spite of the fact that I'm no stranger to heartaches. I became sick of the mistake I couldn't erase. A jumble of emotions from a hasty night which I couldn't retrace. The things I regret felt like a very steep mountain. It was a vile reminder that I would rather just bury deep in my mind and never exhume again. This fire I began was burning me alive, but I knew better than to leave it to die on its own. I felt like a silhouette, chasing rainbows on my own. Every now and then, I asked myself, "Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again?" However, the more I tried to move on, the more I felt alone. There were times I just found myself just staring into space, thinking that, in an instant, he was gone, completely out of my life.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

X ~ Xenodochial Mistake

I stopped using PlanetRomeo after Ace and I became a couple; I had no more reason to continue because I already found what I was looking for. However, on February earlier this year, I made a new account.

I told Ace that I would only like to look at the profiles and to have some nice, clean chat with other users. His out of the country trips were becoming longer, so I was getting bored at times. He didn't really mind it since he's not a jealous person; he had complete trust in me. Little did I know that this would be a very big mistake.

A month later, after scouring interesting profiles, talking to several users, I found someone who stood out. It was JP. He was wearing a cowboy outfit in his profile picture. He's cute, chinito, and moreno. After chatting about random things for a few days, we decided to meet up. I was already working near Libis by this time, staying at my grandparents' house in Cubao, while he, on the other hand, was an employee in one of the call centers in Eastwood City. Like him, I was scheduled in night shift for the whole month, so we agreed to meet one morning after getting off from work. We had breakfast in a Jollibee near their office.

He was tall and chubby. He has this cute and innocent charm that could get you interested. He's like a discounted Romnick Sarmenta with a rounder face. We got to know each other more. He told me his unfortunate quest to look for love. Once, he had a relationship with a jerk for more than a year. He devoted everything to the guy, only to discover that he was being cheated on for months. After that, all the guys he fell in love with were either not interested or already in a relationship. His search in PR was always unfruitful. I told him about Ace. He was slightly disappointed at first, but he understood. He said we could still be friends nonetheless.

From then on, our communication became much frequent: before going to sleep, upon waking up, during breaks, and every time both of us were available. If I was not talking to Ace via Skype, I would call JP instead. Our breakfasts post-work were repeated for a couple of times more. I was aware that things were already inappropriate, but I pushed the idea down to deepest recesses of my mind. I convinced myself that that was only pure friendship and it meant nothing else.

On March 17, three more days before my birthday, the fateful night I mentioned before had happened.

He invited me to spend a night in his place in Novaliches. Without Ace's knowledge, I accepted. We had dinner in Gateway Mall before we went straight to his house. He opened a few bottles of beer while watching a movie. Both of us were already tipsy when the credits rolled, so we decided to get some sleep.

I was lying on my back, while he was on his side, facing oppositely. I was already in stupor when I felt him changed his position. I looked in his direction. He was now facing me. I turned my gaze upwards. His eyes were still opened, staring at me.

"Bakit?" I asked half-awake.

"Pwede ba akong yumakap?" he said softly.

"Huh?" I reacted, awaking my senses.

He moved closer to me.

"Pwede ba kita yakapin?" he asked once again, this time it was a whisper.

My heart beat faster. My throat became dry.

"Okay... Sige..." was all I had managed to say.

He put his arm across my chest. We were so close that I could already feel his breath; it was warm but minty. My mind was in a frenzy. Will I push him away? Or will I just let him continue? This is wrong! Stop this Sepsep, don't do this! But I remained immobile.

After a couple of minutes, using his hand, he held my chin, turning my face towards him. Then, he kissed me. Unfortunately, I kissed him back. We took our clothes off and he got on top of me, our bodies locked in a sweaty embrace. He went down and consumed my member, taking the entirety of its length. I did the same to him. All the time I was thinking of Ace and how I failed him, but what was currently transpiring was too good to discontinue. I found his licks of lust impossible to resist. My mind was consumed with every stroke of carnal pleasure. His moans drowned out my conscience. I felt that I was not my proper self that night, like someone else had possessed my body, making me unable to control my actions.

My internal struggle had continued until our release. Our cum exploded on our bodies, as my morality imploded inside me. When the glory of ejaculation was gone, the dread of guilt had filled me. I stared at JP catching his breath and what I felt was hatred, not towards him but rather towards myself. Oh my God, what have I done?

"Uuwi na ako," I told him, standing up.

He threw me an incredulous look and said, "Ha? Bakit? Dis-oras na ng gabi Sepsep."

"Maliligo lang ako. Tapos uuwi na ako," I said firmly while averting my eyes.

I took my time inside the bathroom, trying to wash away the sin I had committed, but it was already permanent. I wished it was that easy, forgetting everything, flushing down your mistake down the drain. When I got out, JP was already dressed, sitting idly on his bed.

"Sep, let's talk. Please..." he started.

"Sasabihin ko kay Ace ang nangyari tonight. Hindi kaya ng konsensya ko JP. Siya na ang bahala kung ano ang mangyayari," I stated.

"Sigurado ka ba diyan? Kung hindi naman nya malalaman, wala naman magiging problema eh," he said.

"Hindi ko kaya gawin yun kay Ace. Hindi nya deserve na lokohin ko lang ng ganon," I answered quickly.

He became quiet. After I fixed myself, he spoke again.

"If iiwan ka ba ni Ace, may chance ba na maging tayo?" he asked slowly.

I took a deep breath, sighed, and said, "Sa totoo lang JP, hindi... Kung iiwan man ako ni Ace, mas gugustuhin ko muna maging single. Para ayusin ko ang sarili ko. Kung papasok agad ako sa isang relasyon, mas lalo lang siyang masasaktan. Iisipin nya na ipinagpalit ko siya sa iba... Mahal na mahal ko si Ace. Hindi man nag-reflect yun sa nangyari tonight, alam ko deep inside ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya... Atsaka, kung ang magiging relasyon naman natin dalawa ay nagbunga mula sa isang kasalanan, sigurado akong hindi rin tayo magtatagal."

I knew that I had hurt him with my short speech; it was evident in his face. I didn't mean it, but I felt that blunt honesty was necessary to extinguish any hope he had inside him.

His voice was shaking when he said, "I'm very sorry, Sepsep. Sana pala pinigilan ko ang sarili ko kanina... Nagpadala ako sa nararamdaman ko sayo... Hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na mahulog sayo..."

His tears began to fall down. I approached him, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, "Nangyari na eh. Wala na tayong magagawa. Actually, kasalanan ko kasi pumayag ako. Wag mo sisihin ang sarili mo..."

I stood beside JP for more than a minute as he cried, then I said, "Kelangan ko na umalis. I guess ito na ang huli nating pagkikita."

"Hindi na ba tayo magkakausap ulit?" he asked, looking up to me.

"Kung aaminin ko ang lahat kay Ace, nararapat lang na wala na tayong communication, JP. Ito ang best option para sa ating lahat," I explained as I turned towards the door.

"Bye JP. Thanks for everything," I finished, giving him once last glance.

I heard no response from him anymore, so I let myself out into the solemn night.

To be concluded...

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

W ~ Wrong Actions For The Right Reasons

Ace and I had 3 gay friends, namely Adam, Will, and Royce. They are Ace's office mates and they are all effeminate. Ace introduced me to them on January of 2012. Since then, we became close friends. However, this story will focus on Adam.

Adam was a great friend. There's no doubt about it. Every time Ace was out of the country, he was my usual companion. He has a car so we often took road trips, usually in Tagaytay since it is the nearest tourist destination. He gave sensible advices when we had problems. He knew how to cheer us up when we're down. Whenever someone needed to go somewhere important, he would volunteer to drive. He was a trusted and reliable friend; he was always there when we needed him.

Our friendship with him started to spiral downwards in the middle of the year.

One day, Adam brought a guy named Tristan in our weekly gathering. Tristan is tall, handsome in a slightly feminine way, mestizo, straight-acting, and has a good body built. Honestly, if you will compare the latter to the former who is short, fat-bellied, and moreno (though Adam is cute in some way), you would think that Tristan is an escort hired by Adam. Well, that's what I thought at first.

We got curious so we threw questions at him, asking when, where, and how did they meet. He told us without batting an eyelash, saying that they had a common friend which introduced them to each other. He also said they are only friends and nothing more. However, I couldn't shake the feeling that his story was kinda shady. I noticed the discrepancies in it. I felt that, somehow, due to reasons yet unknown, he was lying to us. But I decided to ignore it. I didn't want to ruin the mood of our get-together.

After that night, we noticed that Adam had changed little by little. He became less bubbly and more reserved, usually just sitting idly in one corner while the group was in an active discussion. His time for us became less and less with every passing week, until he was no longer attending our hang outs. He always had an excuse every time we invited him. Soon, it also became harder for us to communicate with him; he doesn't reply to any of our text messages. It was clear that something was wrong, and no one knows why, except for Royce.

One day, Royce told us the truth; that Adam met Tristan via PlanetRomeo, and that Tristan is actually an escort for a living. That's why I was feeling skeptic when I heard Adam's story; it was all a lie. He didn't want us to judge Tristan.

According to Royce, when he saw Tristan that night, he was sure that his face was familiar. Then he remembered that, years ago, he also met Tristan on the same site. They went out, then Tristan offered him sex in exchange for money, but he refused; he had no idea that Tristan is an escort until that very moment. He thought a good-looking guy was just genuinely interested in him. Well actually, he wasn't entirely wrong. Tristan was truly interested all right, although not exactly with him per se, but with what's inside his wallet. Royce never saw him again after that until Adam brought the guy. Royce kept quiet that time because he didn't want to embarass Adam. Maybe that was also the reason why Adam lied to us; he was ashamed of truth.

However, what shocked us the most was that Adam had fallen in love with Tristan. That's why he had given most of his time to Tristan and less to us. He was trying to hog all of Tristan's attention so that the latter wouldn't have the opportunity to escort for anybody else. He made it a point to be with Tristan for almost 7 days a week, with Adam's work performance being affected as well. He even stalked Tristan on some days they weren't together. Adam became obsessed, neglecting to take care of himself. The last time Royce saw Adam, he had lost a lot of weight; he looked pitiful.

Royce once quipped, "Patay na patay ang lola mo kay Tristan. Bantay sarado nya. After nung ipakilala sa atin, iniwas na niya yung tao, kasi daw baka daw tayo alukin ng sex. Natatakot siyang maagawan. Gusto nya sa kanya lang. Eh ito tuloy si Tristan, hindi na alam kung saan kukuha ng pera. Eh paano ba naman, pinatigil nya ang kabuhayan ng tao, pero hindi naman niya inaabutan ng datung. Ano ine-expect nya? Na ititigil ni Tristan ang trabaho nya para sa kanya because of true love?"

To which Will replied with, "Ah ganon? Ano tingin nya sa atin, ahas? Aba, ang haba ng hair nya ha. Well, ganyan talaga ang pag-ibig. Kahit gaano ka katalino, kapag tinamaan ka, bubulusok pababa ang IQ mo."

After several months, we just heard from Royce that Tristan finally dumped Adam. Apparently, Tristan had given up because of our friend's crazy behavior. He wanted his old life back so he ended things with Adam. After that, Adam sought our company. He needed our presence to overcome his suffering. However, we were badly hurt with the way Adam treated us. He ditched us for some guy not even deserving of his time and attention. In addition, he even suspected us of having an ulterior motive towards Tristan!

So we did what we thought was right. The damage had been done. We avoided and ignored him the same way he did to us. No one gave him even an ounce of attention. We changed our usual hang out place without telling him. We had parties without inviting him. We went on trips without him. We wanted to teach him a lesson.

Well, Adam got his lesson all right. Eventually, he disappeared, abandoning his efforts to reconnect with us. We didn't really care about this, since we already became used to him not being around. However, thinking about it much later, I had a sudden epiphany.

I realized we didn't do what a good friend should. We actually sucked being a friend. If we were great as we thought we were, then we should've stuck with Adam. It was a mistake to abandon him when he needed us the most. A friend should be a friend not only in good times, but in bad circumstances as well. One of us became blinded by love, and we were too shallow to understand that. The least we could do was hear his apology and give him a second chance. And, from then, try to rebuild what was broken. It was the first time that that happened, and no one really knows if it will occur again. Adam had definitely learned something from what he had experienced. But what we did was plain cruelty. We turned our backs and we ganged up on him, even made him a laughingstock of the group.

I tried to tell the others, to also enlighten their minds, but to no avail. They were still too hurt to see me eye to eye. Ace agreed with me somehow, but told me that we were past the point of no return, that the friendship was already irreparable, and that we didn't need Adam anymore. This saddened me, but I respected their opinions nevertheless. Though from then onwards, I learned an important lesson: how to be a friend a great one deserves.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Letter Break 5 ~ What The Hell Really Happened

Kung ako lang, ayoko talaga ng mga set-ups o mga reto reto ng mga kaibigan. Masyadong complicated kasi kapag relationships are being built over an existing network, posibleng masira yung network if di mag work yung nireto. Anyway, I just said yes para mapagbigyan ang kalokohan ng kaibigan kong si Paul. So ang ending, he came over at my house with a friend of his. Inuman daw and get to know each other. After the usual awkward start-up questions, the conversation flowed smoothly along with some shots of Johnny Walker. Neil turned out to be a nurse who just passed his board exam. He’s definitely my type. He’s tall, smart, young, straight acting, decent-looking, and can keep up with intelligent conversations.

The truth is, I am not really looking for a serious relationship. Maybe because of several attempts of committing to someone, which all ended up in nothing, I just got tired of it. I mean, I am 28 years old. I knew I was gay when I was a child and I knew there is no fairy tale with happy endings for me. I know my reality. All feelings, all kisses, and the looks of passion from another person that some will call “love” is, for me, just a passing breeze.

This is why I do not want set-ups. Because it involves personal acquaintances. It requires you to tell the truth including your real name. And trust me, if you know my back story, you’ll agree I should not give out my real name, or even my address. So my tender moments revolve around online sites. My sexlife is just “shoot and leave”. I don’t have to know your name or what you do or talk to you the next day. I do not look for love and I think it’s ridiculous for people to think they can find it there. I know what I want, and I always get it.

Going back to the good conversation I am having with Paul and Neil, I think we are heading in the right direction. Until someone showed up in my door ---- forgive me for cutting again but I had to include another back story…

I prefer online meet-ups mainly because it is safe - everything is a surprise. You have seen pictures, talked to each other, several phone conversations but after you meet them, they will sometimes be a totally different person that what you expected. One of those nights. Cute guy in a picture. You use the same pick up line. He replies back. Conversation. Connection. Meet up. Hook up. Split. The end. 

My conversation with Geosef is both the same and different. We talked. We met. We ate. But I don’t feel that he is into me. He’s a young chinito-looking guy. The type that has an extra appeal to me. I was probing and trying to impress him. He doesn’t seem affected. I think I got him bored. I know these types though. They are young and not interested to know you. They just want a release. So I asked him if he wants to chill sa bahay. He said yes. 

Sa  totoo lang, wala namang gagawin sa bahay maliban sa pagwatch ng dvd. After hitting the Play button on my player, I sat next to him, my presumption is that we are not really interested in watching. After an hour of playtime, I put my arms on his shoulder. My typical move to say “forget the movie and let’s do what you intended to do when you came here.” He gave me a look that caught me off-guard. It is very unusual in all my typical encounters  - the looks that says “What do you think are you doing, pervert?”. So I took my hand away, feeling slapped in the face. The movie went on for another hour. I never tried again to get into his pants. The message is clear – I am not his type.

I had several encounters like this before - guys who are disappointed because maybe they thought I don’t look as good as my pictures. But often we just talk for less than 3 minutes – basically just a “hi” and a handshake and they have to go because “something came up”. I am not offended because I do that sometimes too. Some people just don’t meet our criteria. But Geosef is different. He stayed more than 3 minutes. He endured the long movie.

Nung pauwi na siya, habang nag-aabang kami ng jeep, I said, “Sorry I am not your type. That’s ok if you don’t want to text me anymore”. I don’t remember exactly what he said but it is something like, “That’s not true. You are my type. I just don’t like that you made me watch a movie for 2 hours instead of talking to me.” 

Huh? Magulo pala eto eh. Type mo ako eh walang nangyari sa atin?? Excuses. Pero sige, whatever. 

Going back to present, as I was hanging out and chilling with Paul and Neil, the topic about Geosef came up. I had somehow mentioned his name, so Paul asked me probing questions. “Who is that guy?” I said I just met him online. Neil seemed surprised. Paul is a little bit drunk that maybe he forgot he brought Neil to set up with me. “Do you even know his name?” asked Paul. I answered. “Sounds like a fake name to me," Paul quipped. I agree. Geosef’s full name sounds weirdly unique. The type that can be used as an alias. But I don’t really care. I give out fake aliases as well for all my meet-ups.

Afterwards, we continued drinking, and talking, and laughing. Paul is very entertaining when drunk. He laughs and cries a lot for our amusement. I don’t remember at what point I fell asleep drunk from where I was sitting until I woke up being dragged, led to the bathroom. I don’t feel totally awake until I realize my clothes are being removed. It doesn’t feel real and I don’t have the right senses to resist until cold water was being poured in my head!

Still groggy, I finally able to comprehend what’s going on. Paul is in his usual delirious drunk state! He had me stripped naked in my bathroom floor bathing me like a baby! He was mumbling incomprehensively like a mad man! Then I heard someone knocking in my bathroom door demanding what’s going on inside and if we don’t open the door, he’ll just go.

"Neil! Gising na ako!" I yelled. I asked Paul to stop. He was still mumbling things. The guy’s crazy when drunk! Damn! I opened the door. Neil was standing  there. Shocked to see me and Paul naked on the floor, dripping wet. 

Shit. I know how it looks like. Paul is a very bad matchmaker!!! Neil crisply asked the still mumbling Paull to dress up because they have to leave. I have no explanations in my sleeve. I am still groggy. I quickly dressed up. I just said sorry to Neil and offered a few words about nothing happened and that thing his saw was just crazy. He said there is no need to apologize. I’m sure. But whatever his intention of meeting me that day, it just vanished. Well, again, whatever.

As Paul and Neil left, I saw some unread messages in my phone.

Geosef is saying that he hates me for being insensitive. Ugh! I don’t know what he’s talking about. He sounds like some nagging housewife and I don’t have the time to figure out what’s in his mind. I had enough crazy people for the day. I don’t care.


Author's Note: Ace posted this entry in his personal blog more than 2 years ago. I was very lucky to be able to retrieve this. I borrowed this without his knowledge, so be quiet, okay? *wink*

Sunday, September 15, 2013

V ~ Volition & Integrity

I can't remember anymore the last time Uncle James and I had sex. But I do recall exactly how it ended.

At the end of the second part, I had mentioned that he's already staying  in his home province for good. His father got terminally ill, and before passing on, he asked Uncle James to finally marry. At age 38, he was still single. So they arranged his marriage with a woman from the next town. He and Aunt Josephine got married on January of 2008.

I even attended his wedding, together with my family. As I watched him say his vows, I was actually happy for him. I didn't feel any regret or sadness. I felt that that marked the end of our sexual activities, and that I could finally have a decent relationship without him on the side. You see, even though married men (closeted gay or not) are in my list of fetishes, I am strongly against the idea of having an affair with people like them. It is pitiful knowing that their wives remain ignorant of their indecent acts. I won't let myself get involve in their complicated life; I have enough self-respect to become just a mistress, lurking in the backdrop of their family picture, waiting for an ounce of their precious time. Hence, when I heard him say "I do", I told myself that nothing should happen between us anymore. I promised myself that I would be strong. However, I was unsuccessful.

Having sex with him regularly for more than a decade, I had a hard time coping with the immediate turn of events. As I said before, it threw me off a little. He was like an addiction which was suddenly stopped. I was craving for it. So when he visited us few months later, I wasn't able to resist myself from fucking him as hard as I could when he crept up on my bed during midnight. The fact that he's already married instantly got lost in my mind. My inhibitions were blocked by my longing for lust and carnal pleasure. I made sure that every pump of my hungry cock inside his warm ass gave ecstasy, telling myself that I had to make it worthwhile, thinking of all the empty nights I had. Afterwards, I can't really remember if ever I felt guilty, but I am sure that this recurred for several months, in his every visit.

I only put a complete stop on it when Aunt Josephine gave birth to their first child. It knocked some sense into me. Now that he's already a father, I should become more steadfast in adhering to my decision. I failed to respect his wife and the sanctity of their marriage, so the least I could do at that point was to respect his son, who is also my cousin. From then on, every time he visited, I always told him to sleep in another room. And at night, when he came knocking at my door, I just ignored him, forcing myself to sleep, doing everything I could to suppress the hunger that was burning in my groin.

After constantly doing that to him for a couple of visits, he finally understood what I was trying to say. I had no plans of telling it to him directly. You see, we never really had any serious talks in the duration of our secret affair, about what went on between us. They just happened without the need to discuss it. We begin the deed silently and we clean up afterwards without saying a word. So I used actions to tell him that it was time to finally finish it, that I didn't want to continue anymore, that it was already enough. After that, his visits became limited to once a year, only when there's an occasion. He is now focused in being a loving husband and a good father.

Now before I conclude this, I should also remind you of something I said at the end of the first part; that I bear no hate towards Uncle James. Because of him, I became really good in bed. I learned a lot of things from our dirty little secret. I became an expert on how to make someone writhe in erotic pleasure, to let them reach heaven like they had never been there before, to make them crave for more. These are the reasons why I am grateful of him, though I never really had the chance to tell him 'thanks'. 

He was like the practicum of my homosexual life before facing the reality of hook-ups and relationships. Even though he caused me a great deal of pain and anxiety in the past, that still won't beat the fact that I benefited from him greatly; that for the second half of it, he was the one being used and manipulated. I could definitely say that the debt had been paid.

Friday, September 13, 2013

U.4 ~ Up With The Birds

Ace was born and raised in the humble province of Aklan. Both of his parents are farmers. He's a middle child with one older brother and twin younger sisters. They were extremely poor. As a child, he experienced an assortment of hardships to survive. He herded cows on his past time; he often walked barefoot for miles with a sack of vegetables on his back; he used to rise up very early in the morning to till the fields. Their food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner were usually the same; sometimes, they don't even have anything for dinner. At school, he was very envious of his classmates who had almost everything they need. He didn't have a single pair of underwear until grade 6. The first time he tasted ketchup was in high school; the first time he had chocolate was in college.

In spite of the unfortunate circumstances in his life, he was lucky to be blessed with intelligence and perseverance. He was constantly a scholar and a model student, graduating valedictorian in elementary and high school, while cum laude in college. He passed his engineering licensure exams with flying colors, landing as the 20th top examinee nationwide. Afterwards, he flew to Manila, began his career in Cavite, transferring from one job to another, until he ultimately found a stable one with a competitive salary and good perks in an American company based in Laguna. In his 6 years (and counting) of working for that company, he was able live the life of luxury, traveling on official business for at least 4 times a year to different countries including USA, India, Spain, Germany, and China, while staying in high-end hotels. Coincidentally, Ace is a relative of Jonathan Yabut from 'The Apprentice Asia', so I wasn't surprised when Yabut won the competition; they were very much alike in terms of intellect and reasoning. Success really flows in their blood.

Even though blessings keep on pouring, his feet is still planted firmly on the ground. His parents and his experiences taught him how to manage his finances well. He was able to purchase a house and lot in Cavite, where he is currently staying. He bought a large piece of land in his hometown and made it into a farm. He invested his hard-earned money in the right things, like the stock exchange and mutual funds. He's against the idea of buying a car, saying he doesn't really need it and that it was a depreciating asset. He never spends his money recklessly and for naught, unlike other people who had made it big. I learned a lot from him.

Together with Ace, I was able to visit Kalibo for at least once a year. All my visits to Boracay, he was with me. I met his family a couple of times. They are indeed nice and humble people. I became very fond of his parents. They are supportive, loving and they had raised their children well. His older brother, who worked for years in Dubai, already has a poultry business. One of his twin younger sisters has her own successful chicken meat shop in their town market, while the other one is now a nurse working in Saudi Arabia. They started at the bottom, with almost nothing to be proud of except for their love and respect for one another, but now, they have so much more than what they need. His parents still do farming, since that's the only thing they know for all their life. But nowadays, they are only doing it as a hobby, to keep them busy. This is one more thing I liked about them; they still live humbly in spite of their overwhelming success. Because of my love for Aklan and his family, I decided to study their local dialect, Aklanon. And it was no easy feat.

Based on all of the things mentioned above, I can say that Ace is an incredible person. There's no doubt about it. As a friend, you wouldn't help but be fond of him. He was very friendly. He easily acquires new ones while keeping the old ones still intact. As a partner, you'd surely love him deeply. Because of him, I decided to come out to my mom, while he, on the other hand, came out to some of his friends and cousins. We did this so that our relationship would have more room to breathe, for it not to be limited between the two of us alone. We often spent our time together just chilling at home, watching movies and U.S. TV shows. We seldom go out on dates, like for every two weeks tops. We took out-of-town trips twice a year, either alone or with friends.

On October of 2010, approximately one month into our relationship, I was diagnosed with gallbladder stones. I had been enduring the symptoms for months, so a removal was already necessary. Since my dad was working overseas, my mom needed to stay at home for my siblings, hence no one could look after me once the procedure was done. Fortunately, Ace volunteered. However, he was sent to Taiwan for a supplier audit a week before my operation. His day of return was also the day of the surgery. So he went straight to the hospital directly from the airport. When  I woke up after being transferred from the recovery room, he was the first thing I saw, with his luggage and all. He took care of me until I was discharged.

On our first anniversary, we celebrated it in Marriot Hotel Manila. We strolled around and dined in Resort's World, spent a little cash in their casino, and watched a play in the Newport Performing Arts Theater. It was a very romantic weekend. For our second anniversary, we traveled out of the country. In a span of a week, we visited 3 countries: Singapore, Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam, and Phnom Penh and Siem Reap in Cambodia. It was an exhilarating adventure, having the opportunity to marvel at the grandeur of the Merlion statue and the Marina Bay Sands, learning about the rich history of Saigon from their museums, touring the majestic Angkor Wat temples, and experiencing firsthand other cultures very much different than ours. These were the things that added color into our relationship. I was glad that it was with Ace when I did all of these.

Well, like everybody else, Ace also has a dark side and a shadowy past. Before he met me, he prowled around the complicated world of PlanetRomeo; he had countless generic and emotionless one-night stands with strangers whose names he barely even remembered; when he stayed in the US for 6 months, he used Craigslist to search for numerous hook-ups; he had cheated with his former partners several times; a foursome, in which he was included, once took place in his house; he had experienced paying some friend a hefty amount of money just for a blowjob; and he once took advantage of a drunk office mate at his hotel. Because of these, I had a very hard time trusting him at the beginning. He was not committed for a long time, so he found it very difficult at first to break these bad habits he developed. Fortunately, he agreed to work on it. Through our joint effort, he became a devoted partner. As far as I know, he never cheated on me. I learned to put my complete trust in him, keeping his constant assurances in mind. We had fights, yes, usually because of petty things. It wasn't very long before our anger subsides, so it never took us more than a day to reconcile.

My relationship with Ace felt like I was up high above the sky, flying with the birds, looking down at the beauty of the world. He let me experienced new things, both tangible and intangible, which, until now, I treasure dearly. I'd been with him in places I didn't expect I would be able to reach. We got the love that we were both waiting for so long, the companionship that we both deserved, and the passion that we had reserved for the right one.

However, halfway into our 3rd year, everything ended because of one fateful night.

To be continued...

Thursday, September 12, 2013

U.3 ~ Up, Up And Away

His first reply came an hour after my last SMS. It read, "Hey, patapos na kami uminom. Okay ka lang ba? Kakain lang kami sa Mcdo after, tapos uuwi na yung dalawa. Ikaw ba, nakauwi na?"

I hesitated, thinking of the embarrassing message I sent an hour ago, but I still replied nonetheless, "Hey, sorry sa message ko kanina. Uuwi na ako maya maya. Would you mind if makitulog ako sayo? Mukhang late na kasi ako makakarating."

A lame excuse. The truth is, I only wanted to see him again. I might have turned him off earlier with my behavior, so I was planning to fix that.

"Sure, inform mo lang ako kung malapit ka na," he said.

When I arrived at his house, the lights were already dimmed. It seemed he was just waiting for me before sleeping.

"Pasensya na at medyo may tama pa ako ng konti. Tinira kasi namin yung Chivas Regal at Black Label ko diyan," he apologized.

"Wow, lakas nyo uminom ha. Sobrang lakas non pareho ah... Anyway, mag-freshen up lang muna ako ha. Nanggaling din ako sa inuman eh. At amoy yosi na ako," I said.

"Nagyoyosi ka?" he blurted out.

"Hindi po. Yung mga kasama ko. Napakausok kasi doon kanina," I explained, "Bakit parang gulat na gulat ka?"

"Ah. Sorry, ayaw ko kasi sa naninigarilyo. Sige, mag-ayos ka na muna," he said, slightly laughing.

I studied him. Nothing had changed with the way he talks to me, although I noticed he was trying to avoid having eye contact as much as possible. Or was it just me? I shook off the thought and proceeded to his bathroom.

After cleaning up, I found him already snoozing in bed, so I decided to get a shut-eye as well. However, he stirred up as I lay down.

"Oops, sorry. Hindi ko sinasadyang gisingin ka," I said.

"Hindi, okay lang. Hindi kasi ako sanay na may natutulog dito, kaya medyo nagulat ako... Higa ka na," he said, moving to make space.

"Ace... Sorry din pala ulit kanina ha. Yung mga text ko. Malamang nakulitan ka siguro," I said.

"Nagselos ka ba?" he asked.

"Uhm... Medyo... Oo," I answered shyly.

He was quiet for several minutes. During this silence, I couldn't help but be sad. It was as if I already knew what will occur. I looked at him. He was staring at the ceiling. It looked like he was contemplating about something, so I just waited for him to speak.

"Honestly, nainis ako sa text mo kanina. Ang dating sa akin ay parang meron na agad akong obligasyon sayo. Ni hindi pa nga tayo eh," he finally spoke, stating what I just feared.

"Kaya nga humihingi ako ng paumanhin. Sana hindi nagbago ang tingin mo sa akin," I said.

"Sex lang naman talaga ang hanap ko Geosef. Hindi ako naghahanap ng karelasyon, hindi pa ako ready mag-commit... Sabi ko kanina sa sarili ko nung na-gets ko ang behavior mo, 'I can't do this. Tingin ko hindi ko siya kaya i-handle. Feel ko hindi ito magwo-work.' Although okay kang kasama, mukhang possessive at seloso ka. And I don't need someone like that... Kaya buti na lang at pumunta ka ngayong gabi. Kasi gusto ko sana kausapin ka ng maayos. Ayaw ko naman na itigil natin ito thru phone lang," he declared.

At this point, I found myself already crying. I would prefer it if he had just told me that over the phone, so that I could've saved myself from the embarrassment of having to show him a moment of weakness. Why let me stay over if he's only planning to tell me that? I did my best to hide my tears, but I was sobbing uncontrollably. God, I must've looked so lame. It was only 3 days since I met him and yet there I was, feeling like shit. What the hell was wrong with me? I guess my bad habit of getting easily attached got the better of me.

"Pero..." he said, pausing.

Oh, there it was. Something I didn't expect. A word which can bring either hope or dread depending on the polarity of the information it follows. Having heard it in this situation, it brought the former.

"Pero ano?" I asked, hoping.

He hesitated for a moment and then said, "Pero naisip ko bigla kanina na matagal-tagal na din mula nung huli kong relationship. Halos puro one-night stands na lang ako. Nami-miss ko na din na may gumagawa non sa akin. Nag-aalala at nagseselos. Yung may umaangkin sa akin."

This time, he completely faced me. He reached for my eyes, wiping away my tears.

"I realized that I really like you Geosef," he continued, "It's been a while mula nung may nakilala akong gaya mo. Masarap kasama, witty kausap, hindi boring, magaling humalik... Saglit pa lang tayo magkakilala pero pakiramdam ko malalim na ang feelings ko sayo... Yung mga sinabi ko kanina, defense mechanism ko lang siguro yun. Ilang beses na din kasi ako nasaktan, kaya iyon ang unang naisip ng utak ko. Pero buti na lang ipinaglaban ko yung nararamdaman ko. Yung pananabik ko. Pagod na din kasi akong mag-isa... So what I'm saying is... I want to give this a try."

Hearing that was too overwhelming for me; I was speechless. I just threw myself at him, kissing him softly but passionately, our arms wrapped around each other, our lips locked in a swirl of lust. I wanted to make him feel that I was already his; that starting from then, he would be the only one. It was experiencing nirvana like never before. The atmosphere heated up as we began taking each other's clothes off. My tongue tasted every inch of his skin that I could reach. My mouth took the entirety of his length, owning it just for myself. I pleasured him in ways I hadn't done in a long time. It was a moment of pure bliss until the climax; our cum exploded on our trembling bodies, mixing with our sweat. The deed left us breathless, slumped on top of each other, all our energy drained out. We ended it with another kiss. A long one fueled by new emotions. Emotions best expressed through that act. I looked at him for a long time, memorizing his entrancing face, tracing his lips with my finger, drowning myself in his irresistible charm, and telling myself that I would love him like I had never loved before, that I would do everything I could to keep him happy, and that I would strive to be the best partner that he deserves.

I slept soundly that night, not knowing that what I had in my arms was someone that would actually make a big difference in my life.

To be continued...

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

U.2 ~ Up The Wall

As agreed, I met Ace again the following night.

When I arrived at his house, the movie was ready and dinner was prepared. He cooked some kind of pasta. We ate while watching 'Hairspray'. After the movie, we just talked, getting to know each other more, our eyes fixed on one another. Suddenly, he leaned his face closer to mine. I resisted the instinct to move away. I can already smell his breath. It was intoxicating, having a minty hint of celery which he chewed earlier after eating. Then, he started kissing me. Oh, that kiss, I will never forget that. It began slowly; his lips were soft, his moves were gentle but filled with passion. It sent shivers down my spine. I literally felt a spark of electricity. It was like being kissed for the first time. I wrapped my arms around his, locking him in a warm embrace. It was so romantic. I felt our hard ons touching through our pants as I got on top of him.

After several minutes of pure bliss, I broke off.

"Oh, bakit?" he asked, looking extremely confused.

"Pasensya ka na. Gusto ko sana talaga pero nag-aalangan ako... Sa mga ex ko kasi, usually may nangyayari muna sa amin bago maging kami. This time sana, gusto ko ulit maranasan na ma-in love muna. I know this sounds weird, pero I feel na nade-develop na ako sayo. Masyado bang mabilis? Sorry ha," I said, trying to see if that would easily scare him.

"Well... Feeling ko, somehow, ganun din... Pero siguro wala pa sa level ng kagaya ng sa iyo... Okay lang naman kung ayaw mo pa. Naintindihan ko," he said, smiling.

*whew* I was relieved. "Salamat ha. I hope hindi kita na-disappoint dahil binitin kita... Nga pala, mauna na ako. Anong oras na din kasi. Thanks sa movie and dinner ha. Nag-enjoy ulit ako," I said, returning his smile.

"Wala yun. Thanks din sa pagpunta. Hatid kita ulit, okay lang?" he asked.

"Gladly," I said.

"Uhm... Pwede ka ba ulit tomorrow? Bibisitahin ako ng tropa ko, may bitbit siyang isa pa nyang kaibigan. Baka gusto mo maki-hang out sa amin. Lunch and then konting inom," he invited.

"Naku, meron akong pupuntahang birthday party tomorrow eh. Sa Manila pa yun. Pero titignan ko kung kaya ko makapunta ha," I said.

"Okay. Sabihan mo lang ako," he said, flashing again his entrancing smile.


The next day, before I went to Manila for my friend's party, I gave Ace a surprise visit.

"Oh, Sepsep! Akala ko may lakad ka?" he exclaimed upon seeing me.

"Naisipan ko na din dumaan. Hindi rin ako magtatagal. Andyan na ba ang mga bisita mo?" I asked.

"Wala pa eh. Maya-maya pa daw sila. Kumain ka na ba? Tamang-tama, kakatapos ko lang magluto," he said.

"Hindi pa. Sakto at mahaba din byahe ko. Pagdating ko dun malamang gutom na ulit ako," I said.

I proceeded to the table and helped myself with his delicious adobo. He was such a great cook. I consumed 5 cups of rice in one sitting.

"So sino nga ulit yung mga bisita mo? Baka hindi ko na din sila maabutan kasi," I told him.

"Ah. Si Paul. Tsaka yung isa nyang kaibigan. Ipapakilala nya daw sa akin," he said.

"Ipapakilala? Bakit naman? As in irereto nya sa iyo?" I probed, feeling slightly uneasy.

"Ewan ko ba dun. Sabi ko naman may nahanap na ako eh. Don't worry, wala naman akong ibang balak doon," he assured.

I blushed. Did he notice my uneasiness? Was it that obvious? I tried to take it back.

"Ano ka ba. Hindi naman ako nag-aalala no," I said, feigning laughter, "How about Paul? Paano mo siya naging friend?"

"Actually, dati kong niligawan si Paul. After a few dates, we realized na mas okay kung magiging magkaibigan na lang kami. Ewan ko ba... Hindi lang siguro kami compatible," he explained.

I know it wasn't a good thing to ask this, but I still did, "Pero may nangyari ba sa inyong dalawa?"

He looked at me, studying my expression, and said, "Uhm... Oo, meron. Dun namin nalaman na hindi talaga kami bagay. Kasi ayaw nya ng foreplay. Gusto nya action agad. Samantalang ako, important sa akin yon. Gusto ko yung nag-iinit muna bago ang main course. So napagkasunduan namin na itigil na lang ang panunuyo ko sa kanya... Ayun... Bakit curious ka Sepsep?"

"Ah. Wala lang. Natanong lang... Teka, bakit ganyan ka makatingin? Wala akong ibang maisip na itanong eh," I said, getting more queasy.

"Sabi ko nga kanina, wag ka mag-alala. Mga parte na ng nakaraan iyon. Kita mo nga, parang wala na lang sa akin na ikwento ko sayo ang mga bagay na yan. Kasi meron na nga akong nahanap. Hulaan mo kung sino?" he asked, smiling sheepishly.

"Shit na malagkit naman oh. Ayos sa pahaging yan ah! At sabi ko nga din kanina, hindi ako nag-aalala!" I said in between laughs.

I don't really know why, but I still felt very squeamish. Was I already jealous? Oh my God. He's not even mine yet! I was getting more and more uncomfortable so I decided to leave

"Sige Ace, alis na ako. Ikamusta mo na lang ako sa mga bisita mo," I said, going for the door.

"Sayang naman at hindi mo sila mami-meet. O siya, ingat ka ha. Text-text na lang," he said.


I thought attending a party could keep my mind preoccupied, but I was far from enjoying it. I couldn't help but be worried about what's happening with Ace. Did he like the guy that Paul introduced to him? Did he change his mind upon meeting him? Will I lose him after tonight? I felt like going crazy. I checked my phone. No messages.

"Bakit, wala pa siyang text? Busy? Walang load? Nakalimutan na nya ako agad?" I told myself, "Baka kung ano na ang nangyayari. Ilang araw ko din siya binitin. Malamang hindi na iyon nakapagpigil. Siguro naman hindi magrereto yung kaibigan nya ng panget."

After a couple of hours, still no messages.

Thinking that what I was fearing had already happened, I sent him a text message, "Hey musta na diyan?"

Another hour had passed. No reply.

"Reply naman diyan Ace. Hay," I texted again.

Again, no reply still. I became more and more anxious with each passing minute.

When I couldn't bear it any longer, I finally gave up, texting him for the last time, "Text text na lang pala ha. Sige, mukhang nakalimutan mo na talaga ako. Sana nag-eenjoy ka ngayon. Nice knowing you na lang. And thanks sa lahat."

To be continued...

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

U.1 ~ Up For A One-Night Stand

One Wednesday night on September of 2010, I was hanging around PlanetRomeo when suddenly...


FarmBoy: Hey, ano meron tonight?

I checked his profile. His face in his pictures were all covered. It piqued my curiosity, so I replied.

Me: Nothing much. Gumagala lang dito sa PR. How about you?

FarmBoy: Same as you. Are you available tonight? I could use some company. I'm Joseph by the way.

Me: Nah, medyo late na. Di na ako papayagan lumabas. I'm Geosef.

FarmBoy: Sayang, ang cute mo pa naman. I like your photos. And mukhang very interesting ka based on your profile. How about dinner tomorrow night instead?

Me: Can you provide an uncovered photo of yourself first? Unfair kasi, yung sa akin nakita mo na.

FarmBoy: Here. :)

Me: Thanks. I like your smile. May kamukha kang celebrity, hindi ko lang ma-pinpoint.

Farmboy: So how about that dinner?

Me: Sure, why not.

FarmBoy: What's your number?

Me: 092747724**. See you tomorrow.


I was anxious, waiting outside the restaurant he mentioned. This would be the first time I will meet someone from that website. I don't really know why I said yes. He seemed decent and sincere. I was hoping that this wouldn't be a mistake.

I saw him waving as he approached. He looked nice. His hair was polished. His smile was warm and friendly. He's around my height, moreno, and neatly dressed. I could tell that he's hitting the gym by looking at his big chest and arms. Face-wise, he reminded me of a discounted Doc Ferds Recio. Although he wasn't much of my type, I still found him interesting.

"Hi Geosef," he started, offering his hand. I liked his voice. It was deep and very manly.

"Hey. Nice to meet you. Joseph ba talaga ang name mo? I can sense na hindi," I said, smiling.

He gave a short laugh, looking slightly embarrassed, and said, "Well, you got me. Ace ang tunay kong name. How about you?"

"I don't really do that. Geosef talaga ang name ko. Pero you can call me Sepsep," I said.

"Sure, that's nice... So tara, pasok na tayo," he suggested.

It was a nice dinner. The food was delicious. Our conversations were engaging. I learned that he's actually 8 years older than me, which was not bad since I am into older men; I was 20, he was 28. We had some hearty laughs. I felt we had a connection which I hadn't experienced before. Afterwards, he invited me to his place for a movie. I said yes. I didn't want to go home yet. I wanted to spend more time with him. Since his house is just 5 minutes away, we decided to walk. 

I loved his abode. It's a 2-story bachelor's pad; spacious, clean, and well-maintained. His living room is cozy with a huge flat-screen TV mounted on the wall equipped with a surround-sound system. His kitchen is conducive to elaborate cooking. And his bedroom is the whole 2nd floor. It shows what kind of personality he has.

Upon giving me a short tour, he started the movie 'Bulletproof Monk'. We were sitting at his couch. As the movie went on, I felt he was moving closer and closer to me. So I hugged a pillow, moved a little away from him, and kept my focus on the TV. He seemed to notice this because he stopped. The movie ended with nothing happened between us. After that, I asked him if he could accompany me up to the bus stop. I saw a hint of disappointment on his face, but he agreed nonetheless.

It was a bit awkward while we were walking. He became much quieter, talking just a little.

"Hey Ace, may problema ba? Kanina ka pa tahimik," I probed, unsure if I would like to hear his answer.

"Ano kasi...Nahihiya ako itanong, pero... Hindi ka ba interesado sa akin?" he said childishly.

I smiled at him and said, "Ah kaya pala eh. Sobrang interesado kaya ako sayo! Honestly, nag-enjoy ako ng sobra. Sana nga may kasunod pa ito. Nag-iisip na nga ako kung kelan ulit eh."

Relief flashed in his face as he said, "Talaga? Parang ang cold mo kasi habang nanonood tayo ng movie. Sa totoo lang, ang plano ko lang talaga with you ay one-night stand. Akala ko kagaya ka lang nung ibang mga nakilala ko sa PR. Kaya medyo nadismaya ako nung walang nangyari kanina. Kahit man lang kiss wala. I assumed na hindi mo ko gusto."

"Ikaw naman. Kung alam mo lang. Actually, gusto na kitang gahasain kanina! Gigil na ako sayo. Pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko, kasi gusto ko maging maayos ang gabing ito. Naramdaman ko na this is something good. Na mukhang may mas maganda pang maidudulot ang pagkikita natin, so I have to play my cards right. Baka kasi bumaba ang tingin mo sa akin kapag nakipag-sex agad ako. Gusto ko ma-impress ka sa akin. Na hindi ako tipikal na lalake sa PR. Kaso mali ang naging dating sayo. Cheer up ha!" I said, laughing.

"Thanks for being honest, Sepsep. I am glad to hear that. Like you, pakiramdam ko din na I want more of this. Na parang hindi kita dapat palampasin... Hindi ko in-expect na magiging interesting ka pala. So how about a movie again tomorrow night? Magluluto ako for you. Magaling akong cook," he invited.

"Same time?" I asked.

"Same time," he said.

To be continued...

Monday, September 9, 2013

Letter Break 4 ~ When He's Not The Only One Who's Into You

Have you ever had some girl admirers? Being a homosexual, how did you turn them down? Did you reveal the truth or did you provide some excuse which you hope will be enough?

This is a constant problem I face. So for this entry, allow me to use the famous Filipino expression "magbuhat ng sariling bangko".

Starting from school until now that I'm working, I always have a couple of female classmates or colleagues crushing on me. Most of them are very shy at first, but upon befriending and getting close with them, I can sense the subtle changes in their behavior. They become touchy. Every small attention I give makes their eyes twinkle and their smiles wider. I can tell because I also experience having a crush on someone, so seeing them behave like that do not puzzle me anymore.

Since I am gay, it would be impossible for me to return their feelings. After Mary Jane, I decided that I won't become someone like Vincent in 'My Husband's Lover'. I will never use a woman to cover my homosexuality. I would rather grow old alone than to live a complicated life of a family man. I believe that one cannot truly suppress his lust and desires, especially those who are deprived of an opportunity to fulfill them. An example would be our priests, gay and straight alike.

So how do I deal with these girls?

Usually, when I sense something fishy with the way a pechay behaves around me, I just do my best to treat her casually, trying to take her hints for granted. Sometimes, I even try to distance myself, acting nonchalant to keep them from becoming more attracted. If ever she did confess her feelings, I would politely decline, thank her for the interest and for being brave, and then give some make-up reason to set her off against pursuing me further. Luckily, I have yet to experience rejecting a girl. No one really has the guts to admit their feelings. Well, except for one.

Not all girls are sweet and friendly when in love. There are those who express their interest in a different way. Once, I had this female classmate who was so mean to me. Every time she sees me, she would act as if I don't exist. If ever she talks to me, her tone was always condescending. She criticizes everything I do, even though no one was asking her opinion. And whenever me and my friends do something bad, she often tells on me alone. This girl even became nasty to MJ when I began courting her. It was as if she was born to make my life miserable. I despised her for years. I had no idea why she was like that towards me. I wasn't doing anything that would give her a reason to treat me as such.

I only discovered her true feelings when we had our retreat. During an activity about opening up, she approached me and admitted everything, crying as she talked. You should've seen the look on my face. I was speechless! Having been treated horribly by her, it was like the biggest twist in my life so far. I definitely did not see that one coming. She apologized to me for all the awful things she had done. She said she was just trying to get my attention. Well, she got my attention all right, albeit in a bad way. Maybe I could've developed some feelings for her had she only treated me nicely; she was beautiful and smart, you see. I would've find her very likable if it only weren't for her attitude. She told me that the reason behind her confession wasn't because she wants to get me. She saw my genuine love for MJ, so she decided to just be happy for me, move on, and look for love in someone else. After that, we made peace, and a couple of years later, she became my best friend, my fag hag. Yes, that girl is Lanie.

Friday, September 6, 2013

T ~ This Too Had Passed

Ever wondered what it's like to have a relationship with a felon? In my case, after Russell, I didn't have to wonder anymore.

On July of 2010, I joined another clan (You might exclaim, "Na naman Sepsep?!". Don't worry, this would be the last time, I promise.), and this was where I met him. We became close, we often talked, we went out a few times for drinks; after a few weeks, we were in a relationship.

Russell is 3 years older than me, short at 5'2", and moreno. His looks are average with some facial hair. He has a lean and muscular body, his abs are clearly visible, and his cock is thick and around 5 inches long. Actually, he looked pretty much like a longshoreman. He'd been to my place only twice, because most of the time, I was at his. He came out to his friends because of me. He didn't want to choose between spending time with me or his friends, that's why he decided to tell them the truth, so that I could also hang out with them. I asked him about the possibility of his parents discovering about his revelation. In their small community, there's a chance everyone would learn even the tiniest bit of news. He told me it doesn't matter, as long as it's for me. *awww* That was the sweetest thing that he did for me. I fell for him harder because of that.

Our first sex was kinda wild. It was in an empty field used for herding cows near their subdivision. One moonless night, we went in the middle of it. At first, we were just lying down on the grass, looking up at the stars, innocently talking about random stuff. Moments later, I found myself telling him about the time I had sex with Rom in the dark alley beside my town's municipal hall. Suddenly, he had an idea. He asked if we could do it too, saying that he has yet to experience having outdoor sex. His suggestion made me very horny, so I began to kiss him. Soon, we were naked, humping each other, our sweat mixing and lubricating our bodies. I let my hand wandered his muscled body, trying to explore every inch of him in the darkness. Our moans were loud and exciting, in spite of knowing the risk that someone might  hear us. The heat got more intense when we did 69. We immersed ourselves to the length of the other, submitting to the lustful whispers of our own instincts. The best part was when we exploded in each other's mouth at almost exactly the same time. That was an unparalleled ecstasy.

There was one thing I don't like in Russell: his precum has a very nasty odor. It smelled like rotten fish. I noticed it after we had sex for the second time. During the first, I thought something nearby just smelled bad, like cow dung or something. I tried to figure out why, but I got nothing. Maybe it was related to his smoking, but even if it was, it shouldn't be that much bad. Later on, when we have sex, I often give an excuse to avoid having to blow him. I realized I really can't take it. I didn't bother telling him though, I don't wanna offend him, so I just tried to endure it.

I remembered the best date we had was when we celebrated our first month. He took me to Tagaytay and treated me in an expensive dinner. The cold sweet air, the delicious food, and our nice conversations made it very romantic. However, this memory was tarnished with something else that he did.

One morning, a few days after I passed the board exam and a week before our second monthsary, I received a call from one of his friends, Julie. Her voice was anxious.

"Sepsep, nasaan ka ngayon?" she started.

"Nandito sa bahay. Bakit? May problema ba?" I asked.

"Kasi si Russell, nakakulong ngayon. Nahuli siya at yung ibang mga kasama niya kagabi," she announced.

It took a couple of seconds for the information to register in my head.

"Ano? Totoo ba yan? Anong kaso? Saan siya nakakulong?" I blurted out.

"Oo. Burglary daw. Sila yung tinurong mga suspek nung ninakawan na negosyante dun sa kabilang bayan nitong nakaraang buwan lang. Malakas ang ebidensya. Nilipat na siya kanina lang diyan sa provincial jail malapit sa inyo. Hindi nga din kami makapaniwala," she said, sighing at the end.

I was speechless. I couldn't believe what I just heard.

"Hello Sepsep? Sepsep, nandyan ka pa ba? Okay ka lang ba?" Julie asked.

I snapped from my trance; I answered, "Oo... Oo, nandito pa ko."

"Alam ko nakakagulat talaga, pero mabuti nang alam mo. Dadalawin namin siya mamaya doon. Gusto mo ba sumama?" she said.

After much thought, I said, "Ok sige, kita na lang tayo doon sa labas ng kulungan mamaya. Ingat kayo."

I didn't know what I would exactly feel after that phone call. Worried? Angry? Sad? Humiliated? Betrayed? Abandoned? I dunno. One thing was for sure though, I was shocked. I was not sure how to take it from there. Will I continue this? Is he still worth it?

When I saw Russell, I noticed the bruises on his face. He looked miserable. His parents were the first to talk to him. His father looked extremely disappointed, his mother cried painfully. It was pitiful to watch. Then, it was our turn. I let his friends first. Most of them made the situation less grave by telling jokes or funnt stories. Everyone was uncomfortable, so you really can't blame them for doing so. After that, they gave the two of us some time to discuss privately. I tried catching his eyes, but he couldn't look at me straight.

"Sepsep, humihingi ako ng tawad sa naidulot ka sayo ngayon... Sana maintindihan mo na nagawa ko yun dahil sa hirap ng buhay namin," he said.

I couldn't help but be irritated; it was evident in my voice when I said, "Bakit di mo sinabi sa akin na nakulong ka na din pala noon? Tapos inulit mo na naman ngayon! Di mo man lang naisip ang mga magulang mo? Lalo na ang sarili mo? Kelangan mo ba talaga gawin yon? Bakit di ka naghanap ng matinong trabaho? Ang laki-laki ng katawan mo!"

He couldn't answer me. He was looking down the floor while wiping the tears in his eyes.

"Well, nangyari na eh. Wala na tayo magagawa. Di lang ako makapaniwala na yung pinanggastos mo pala dun sa Tagaytay ay kita mo dun sa ginawa mo," I continued, doing all I could to keep my voice from rising again, "Paano na yan? Tingin ko, di na to magwo-work out Russell."

"Sepsep... Wag naman. Kita mo naman kung anong pinagdadaanan ko. Tapos ngayon ka pa mawawala? Pakiusap naman. Wag mo gawin to sa akin," he pleaded.

"Oh sige, bigyan mo ko ng idea kung paano kikilos ang relasyon natin ng nandyan ka sa loob," I said.

He was quiet again.

"Di bale, sakto lang naman. Kelangan ko na din lumipat sa Metro Manila para mag-apply sa trabaho. Pasensya ka na Russell, pero buo na ang desisyon ko. Kung ano man ang magiging resulta ng kaso mo, sana hindi ganun kabigat," I said, standing up.

He stared at me, crying silently, but not another word came out of his mouth.

I held his hands for the last time, saying, "Ingatan mo palagi ang sarili mo dito. Sana after nito, magtino ka na. Kahit para man lang sa magulang mo... Bye Russell..."

Then, I walked towards the exit.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

S ~ Silly Encounter Of The Third Sex

One night on May of 2010, I was on my way home from review. I was sitting alone beside the window in a two-seater near the back of a bus. I was getting a bit sleepy when some guy sat beside me. I gave him a good look. He seems to be a few years older than me. He's kinda big, around 5'8", moreno, and very chubby. His hair's long, colored, and slightly unkempt. He was wearing stylish clothes. I glanced at his face. By the looks of his eye bags and his attire, I assumed he's a call center agent. He's not really my type, so I returned my gaze out of the window. I was almost snoozing again when I suddenly felt something was off. I noticed he had moved closer to me. Our limbs already touching, making me a bit uncomfortable. I decided to ignore him. Moments later, he was typing something in his mobile phone, then he hold it near me in a way that I could view the screen.

"Baba ka sa may tapat ng city college," the message said.

Geez, how tacky and lame. I'm not that kind of guy, so I did the proper thing.

"Hi. Anong name mo? I'm Geosef," I said, offering my hand.

He took it. He looked rather dumbfounded.

"Ako si <A name I honestly don't remember, but let's call him Boy, shall we?>," he answered.

"So Boy, ganito na lang. Kunin mo number ko, tapos i-text mo na lang ako. Okay ba yun?" I suggested.

He nodded and handed me his phone. Since his house is closer, he got off first. Hours later, I completely forgot about him. After a few days, I received an SMS from an unknown number.

"Musta?" the text read. I replied, asking who it was.

"I'm Boy, remember? Ako yung sa bus. Ano gawa mo ngayon?" he asked.

A flashback, so I answered, "Ah, yes I remember. Wala naman, andito lang sa bahay. Ikaw?"

"Punta ka dito. Wala akong kasama dito e. Nanood lang ako ng movie," he said.

I mulled over his invitation first before I said yes. In less than 20 minutes, I found myself knocking at his door. He led me inside his room. I surveyed it. It was so untidy. His things were in a clutter, some of his clothes were scattered on the floor. Luckily, there were no untoward odors.

"Feel at home lang ha," he said.

I just answered, "Okay. Salamat." But in my mind, I'm saying, "Yeah right. Hindi naman ganito kagulo ang kwarto ko no."

He continued the movie playing on his T.V. He lay down on his bed, I sat down on a chair beside him. After several minutes, he broke the silence.

"Gusto mo tumabi dito? Mas comfortable dito," he motioned at the space beside him.

By this time, I was already very horny, so I obliged.

"Payakap ha," he said.

I nodded. Then suddenly, we were kissing. His lips were soft, his technique was good. I might have enjoyed it if it wasn't for his very foul breath. My God. I couldn't concentrate. My fully erect cock was gone in an instant.

I tried ignoring the smell, but to no avail, so I interrupted, "Teka... Teka lang... Kasi --- kasi ang baho ng hininga mo eh. Hindi ako nag-eenjoy."

It was clear that he was taken aback, as he said, "Huh? Ah... Ganun ba... Naku, sorry ha. Kakagising ko lang kanina. Hindi pa ko nakakapagsipilyo. Teka muna..."

I stared at him, bewildered of what was happening. He stood up and went to the bathroom.

I talked to myself, contemplating what I should do next, saying, "Shit! Nakakadiri... Pinasok pa nya yung dila nya... Umuwi na lang kaya ako? Ano ba naman klaseng tao to? Haaaaay. Kung di lang talaga ako libog ngayon. Hayaan na. Eto na yung nakahain eh. At least, nasabihan ko before ako masuka ng tuluyan. Sulitin ko na lang para hindi sayang oras ko."

He returned after a couple of minutes. He apologized once more. We resumed kissing, while we stripped down. He was quite heavy so I went on top of him and started humping. However, my hard-on never came back, much to my disappointment. He had noticed this, so he tried making me hard again. He licked my nipples while playing with my balls, but it had no effect. I began to realize that whatever he does, it would only be in vain because my libido was all gone. So to finish this silly casual encounter, I did all I could to pleasure him instead. It wasn't much of a task actually. He's only around 3 inches long. I just blew him until he got off, spitting his cum after on one of the clothes lying around. After that, he didn't give any effort to make me horny again. Not that I cared really. I just want to get out of there as fast as I could.

He accompanied me to the bus stop. Before I got on one, he said, "Text text na lang ha."

I just smiled at him, knowing that his name in my contact list was already changed to 'DONOTREPLY9'.
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