Letter Break 4 ~ When He's Not The Only One Who's Into You

Have you ever had some girl admirers? Being a homosexual, how did you turn them down? Did you reveal the truth or did you provide some excuse which you hope will be enough?

This is a constant problem I face. So for this entry, allow me to use the famous Filipino expression "magbuhat ng sariling bangko".

Starting from school until now that I'm working, I always have a couple of female classmates or colleagues crushing on me. Most of them are very shy at first, but upon befriending and getting close with them, I can sense the subtle changes in their behavior. They become touchy. Every small attention I give makes their eyes twinkle and their smiles wider. I can tell because I also experience having a crush on someone, so seeing them behave like that do not puzzle me anymore.

Since I am gay, it would be impossible for me to return their feelings. After Mary Jane, I decided that I won't become someone like Vincent in 'My Husband's Lover'. I will never use a woman to cover my homosexuality. I would rather grow old alone than to live a complicated life of a family man. I believe that one cannot truly suppress his lust and desires, especially those who are deprived of an opportunity to fulfill them. An example would be our priests, gay and straight alike.

So how do I deal with these girls?

Usually, when I sense something fishy with the way a pechay behaves around me, I just do my best to treat her casually, trying to take her hints for granted. Sometimes, I even try to distance myself, acting nonchalant to keep them from becoming more attracted. If ever she did confess her feelings, I would politely decline, thank her for the interest and for being brave, and then give some make-up reason to set her off against pursuing me further. Luckily, I have yet to experience rejecting a girl. No one really has the guts to admit their feelings. Well, except for one.

Not all girls are sweet and friendly when in love. There are those who express their interest in a different way. Once, I had this female classmate who was so mean to me. Every time she sees me, she would act as if I don't exist. If ever she talks to me, her tone was always condescending. She criticizes everything I do, even though no one was asking her opinion. And whenever me and my friends do something bad, she often tells on me alone. This girl even became nasty to MJ when I began courting her. It was as if she was born to make my life miserable. I despised her for years. I had no idea why she was like that towards me. I wasn't doing anything that would give her a reason to treat me as such.

I only discovered her true feelings when we had our retreat. During an activity about opening up, she approached me and admitted everything, crying as she talked. You should've seen the look on my face. I was speechless! Having been treated horribly by her, it was like the biggest twist in my life so far. I definitely did not see that one coming. She apologized to me for all the awful things she had done. She said she was just trying to get my attention. Well, she got my attention all right, albeit in a bad way. Maybe I could've developed some feelings for her had she only treated me nicely; she was beautiful and smart, you see. I would've find her very likable if it only weren't for her attitude. She told me that the reason behind her confession wasn't because she wants to get me. She saw my genuine love for MJ, so she decided to just be happy for me, move on, and look for love in someone else. After that, we made peace, and a couple of years later, she became my best friend, my fag hag. Yes, that girl is Lanie.