Z ~ Zenith Achieved

It was the morning of my birthday, March 21.

I was sitting in front of him. The warmth of his living room didn't help in alleviating my anxiety. I came directly from work; the fact that I still had one more night duty later was already irrelevant to me. Maybe I'll just call in sick. Besides, it was my special day. All I wanted at this moment was to talk to him, to convince him to think otherwise.

He stared at me, pain and anger evident on his face. He just arrived from the US; he went home directly from the airport. He looked weary and sleep-deprived.

I looked down at my hands, unsure of how I would begin my speech. I had given this a lot of thought beforehand, even memorized it. But all the words became lost in my head. I couldn't think clearly. My mouth was dry and my shame was sky-high.

"Sepsep, magsalita ka na. Kanina pa ako naghihintay," he said.

"Ace... Nandito ako para makipag-usap. Kung talagang ayaw mo na, at least man lang maayos natin itong gawin sa personal. I think less pain iyon para sa ating dalawa... Pero bago ka magdesisyon ng tuluyan, sana mapakinggan mo muna ako... Please?" I begged.

He sighed. He scrutinized me for a minute and said, "Ok, go ahead."

"Sa totoo lang, may nakahanda na akong paliwanag para sa kasalanan ko... Pero naisip ko na kahit anong sabihin kong dahilan, hinding-hindi nito maja-justify ang ginawa ko. Inaamin ko kahit sa sarili ko na nagkamali ako. Ako lang ang dapat sisihin sa nangyari..." I started as my eyes became moist.

He didn't answer, so I continued, "After nating magusap sa Skype, madami akong kinausap. Sila Lanie, si Rey, pati si Mama. Lahat sila pinagalitan ako. Sinermonan. Tapos pinayuhan. Kinausap ko din yung dalawang best friend mo. Ganon din naman ang ginawa nila. Lahat sila disappointed din sa akin, pero hinahangad pa rin nila na maayos natin to. Doon ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na kausapin ka. Na hindi sumuko. Na sa kabila ng kahihiyan ng ginawa ko, meron pa ring mga taong ayaw tayong magkahiwalay..."

"Naikwento nga sa akin nila Vanessa at Ritz ang napag-usapan nyo. Pati ako kinukumbinsi nila," he stated. I became slightly optimistic. At least he was responding. It didn't look like he would walk out on me anytime soon.

"They are hoping na ma-resolve natin itong problema. Please Ace. Hindi ko na maibabalik ang ginawa ko. Hindi ako makapagbibigay ng dahilan o alibi kung bakit ko ito nagawa. Ang magagawa ko na lang ay ang panagutan ito. Gusto kong malaman mo na inaamin ko ang pagkakamali ko at nagsisisi ako ng lubos. Natutunan ko na ang dapat kong matutunan. Please... Pagisipan mo Ace. Hindi ko pinipilit na patawarin mo ako ngayon din. Pero sana pag-isipan mo mabuti... Walang problema kahit gaano katagal. Basta maghihintay ako sa desisyon mo..." I said in between sobs.

"Anong nangyari kay JP? Wala ka bang balak makipagrelasyon sa kanya? Tutal mukhang napaligaya ka naman nya..." he quipped, but I sensed a hint of jealousy in his voice.

I looked at him straight in the eyes, reached for his hand, and said, "Before pa kita kausapin sa Skype, tinapos ko na ang communication namin. Sinabihan ko na din siya na wala na siyang dapat asahan sa akin. Sobrang guilt ang naramdaman ko after ng kasalanan ko, kaya I ended it right after..."

He didn't shook off my hand, so I took it as a good sign and resumed, "Mahal na mahal kita Ace. Sobra sobra. Nagkaroon ako ng moment of weakness. Naging mahina ako. Pero please be convinced, na hinding-hindi ko na ulit gagawin sayo iyon. Nakita ko kung paano ka nasaktan, kung ano ang mga consequences na pwedeng mangyari. At hindi ko kaya na makita kang umiiyak dahil sa akin, sobrang nasasaktan din ako. Please Ace... Don't throw this all away... Bigyan mo pa ako ng isa pang pagkakataon..."

He suddenly threw himself at me. I hugged him tightly. I couldn't help but let the tears flow. Then, he kissed me. A kiss I thought I would never experience again. I just found myself kissing him back very passionately, afraid that this might be the last time. I was savoring all the ecstasy it had brought me. When he finally let go of me, I had no idea how much time it had passed; that moment seemed very, very long.

"Na-miss kita, Sepsep. Sobra... Hindi mo lang alam kung ano ang lagay ko nung pagkatapos natin mag-usap sa Skype. Mag-isa lang ako sa hotel. Walang makausap, walang matawagang iba. Parang akong mababaliw..." he said.

I just stared at him. I was speechless. Extreme guilt overtook my ability to talk.

"Nung nasa eroplano ako, buo na ang desisyon ko na patatawarin kita. Sabi kasi ni Ritz na tutal bata ka pa naman daw at prone pa sa pagkakamali. Sabi naman ni Vanessa, inamin mo naman daw ang ginawa mo. And that's not a very easy thing to do. Naramdaman daw nila yung sincerity at pagmamahal mo sa akin kahit ganoon man ang nangyari. Bilib sila sayo kasi napaka-mature daw ng ginawa mo. Kaya nag-isip ako ng mabuti. Tinimbang ko kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko. Masakit, oo, pero masaya ako kahit papaano kasi umamin ka... Ang totoo nga nyan, namili agad ako kanina, right after I arrived. Namili ako ng mga iluluto ko para sa birthday mo ngayon. Bumili na din ako ng cake..." he continued, "Happy birthday ha. Mahal na mahal kita, Sepsep."

I glanced at the kitchen and I saw a few shopping bags. I was overflowing with bliss now.

"Wow... Eh paano pala kung hindi ako pumunta ngayon? Kung hindi na ako nag-effort na ayusin ito?" I asked.

"Well... I guess ise-celebrate ko mag-isa ang birthday mo. Magluluto pa din ako at kakain mag-isa. Kaya buti na lang talaga at nandito ka..." he answered.

Truly, what I had in my arms right then was life's gift to me. He was a blessing I was very thankful of; someone worth keeping, and someone I know I could be with for the rest of my life. And I am so glad that I didn't let him go, that I fought for our relationship, and that he gave me another chance.

I will never screw this up, never again.

***

I checked the digital clock sitting at the desk. It's already 5:46PM; the date, September 23, 2013. Today is the day Ace and I celebrate our 3rd anniversary, here in the 9th room on the 15th floor of the hotel where we are currently staying in.

I looked outside the window. The silhouettes of Shangri-La and Ascott were clearly visible against the final rays of sunset. Its warm light blanketing the entirety of Makati before it will soon vanish to let the darkness of the night have its chance. I'm looking forward to see the city lights overtake the majestic view I am enjoying at this very moment.

I turned my gaze towards the bed. Ace is lying idly on it, his eyes fixed on the TV. I studied his figure. His face is still as entrancing as ever. He caught me staring at him and smiled. Oh, that smile... The same smile which gave my stomach some butterflies the first time I saw it. He has gotten a bit stocky; he quit the gym a few months after we began our relationship. But I don't really mind. 

Surprisingly, the sex is still great. One might expect that after 3 years, it should've gotten lame and sporadic. However, in our case, it remained hot and wild, yet soft and endearing. We are always innovative when it comes to it, finding new ways to pleasure one another, discovering new things in the process. I guess him being away on business trips for weeks on a regular basis does great help in the return of our longing and lust for each other. He is my weekly exercise, and an intense one at that.

People might say that after what I did early this year, he doesn't deserve someone like me anymore. Maybe they are right. However, I will tell them one thing: I may no longer be worthy, but I know that I still love him very much, with all my heart, more than what others can give. People might also remark, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," but I am ready to prove them wrong. He decided to give me another chance, so who am I to refuse? Every time I look at Ace, I see only a future with him. My mistake will always serve as a personal reminder for me to strive and become a better person and a deserving partner.

He gave me another glance, asking if I am already hungry. I nodded. He said I should get ready then, so that we could be early for our dinner reservation at Bistro Mondo.

As I was dressing up, I couldn't help but smile because of one thing I am sure of; that all is well from A down to Z.