Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Hiding Without Seeking

I gave him another glance. Once again, he was busy with his phone. His constant switching of attention annoyed me. Though I already knew why I felt irritated, I was having a hard time admitting it. That I'm very much attracted to him. I don't even understand it myself.

The first time I met him, it was on a Sunday. He looked untidy and unruly. His eyes portray snobbishness. He exudes this aura of unexplainable childish charisma. I continued to observe him, reading his individuality. I could tell that he has an intricate personality, like a mysterious puzzle of logic and pain. He smiled and laughed a lot, but I know that for each of it, he was really hurting inside, tenfold. To me, he's like a sea urchin. Despite the frightening and dangerous exterior, inside him contains something sweet and desirable. You just have to acquire the knowledge and the patience to open him up.

For another night, we met again, together with some friends. He was sitting silently across me, just waiting for his turn for another shot of liquor. As the others continue their chatter about someone they unanimously dislike, I stared at him, trying not to be too obvious. I focused on memorizing his face. His rugged features were like an inspiring vista in my eyes. The masculinity etched in its every corner drew me in deeper and deeper with each passing second. I wanted to grab him and feel his body against mine. I had thought of holding him close to me. I desired for his constant attention, like how I was giving him mine.

Nothing inappropriate happened that night. To be honest, I was somehow disappointed with that, albeit relieved. My God, what's wrong with me? Unfortunately, the feelings linger on the next day, as well as the following days after that. And they are never subtle, for they are surely making their existence known as obviously as they can. I welcomed 2014 in sadness and confusion because of them. I can't have that. I have to kill these hazardous bastards as soon as possible.

There are two things I am not very much fond of: complications and drama.

Complications equate to potential heartbreaks. They are something I don't like finding myself into. I like things smooth. I want them broken down in their simplest forms. Like in mathematics. Easy and breezy.

I try to avoid drama as much as I can. It is always awkward and uncomfortable. I never learned to embrace it as part of being human. I'm allergic to it.

He is a complexity and he makes me dramatic. I don't want to break him down into simplicity; it isn't necessary, really. So what else to do but avoid him, right? And that's what I'll do.

I believe that this too shall pass. I am just hoping that it would go by quickly. Similar to a speeding car on a windy highway. Or a tiny wave in a limitless ocean.


  1. Im not saying this is about grief and all but this post really reminds me of Kubler Ross' stages of grief yun si DABDA

  2. First line palang nakilala ko na kung sino. Haha

  3. Did I miss something? Or your rules don't apply when I was in your shoes?

    Happy New Year!! :D

  4. Well written, like the use of words and descriptions. The last two posts had shown maturity on your part.

  5. The person they uninanimously dislike. Boom! I agree. This too shall pass... Breathe...

  6. Tagay pa! Sep hindi ka nadali sa alak pero puso mo pala ang nalasing hahaha! Mahirap yan , iputok mo nlng yan ... Bka yung nararamdaman mo aabot pa yan ng 2015,wat if hes the one?

  7. Happy New Year Geosef!

    Dapat happy lang... bagong taon eh :))


  8. I met a friend who's just like you. Avoids drama and stuff. He's all bro and hey dude. I sill believe he will face his sensitive side sooner or later. No matter how much you avoid the drama, it will come.

    On the other hand, men are self denial in nature. Baka madrama ka na di mo langbpansin. Hehehe. Or ayaw ko langaminin.

    Sana mas maintindihan ko pa ang post na ito

  9. I also dislike drama in reality but I rather write them in my blog, art daw kasi pag ganun.
    Magkaibang personality ang tao behind my writings and in real world.
    It's been a good year of blogging to us, more post to come this 2014.

  10. Oh my gulay! Bat magcocomment na naman ako dito?! Lels... life is a drama itself, and the world is our stage, i remember reading somewhere. Lilipas din yan bakels.

  11. Happy New Year... napapa isip tuloy ako....

    sana maging okay ang lahat sayo.... lalo na ang love life....

    enjoy lang.... ^^

  12. shet tinamaan kaaaaa kay cousin!


    or baka you are still dissecting the complicated feeling.


  13. saktong drama lang para masaya. enjoy lang.

  14. That's gonna be a little devil who will torment you for the next few months. Ako rin nagka crush ng ganyan na nakakabadtrip dahil hindi naman talaga yun yung type ko, Magugulat ka na lang na pinagpapantasyahan mo na. Pero it's your choice- iwasan at kalimutan or magtampisaw pa sa pantasya.

  15. Desire is a tricky thing, like fire. You're not always sure which one is more aching, the sudden explosion of heat, or the dull flame that lingers. As long as it's unrequited it will always hurt.

  16. pero bakit nga meron mga ganyan tao na dumadating sa buhay natin??

    siguro pampadagdag lang ng eksena sa buhay para matuto tayo ng bongga!!
    positive side lagi.. :)

  17. I also follow those rules when it comes to dating/ finding a possible mate: no complications, no drama. Almost forgot about those rules. Tagal ko ding hindi nakipag-date. Thanks for reminding me. :)

  18. Hi sep, am to make a comment again. I was the last to comment on ur B blog (dated aug1, 2013) and it seems it is going to be unread after all. That was my first ever comment and reaction to a blog of this nature and kind.

    Now, having progressed reading several chapters up to this point, I couldn't help but make some reactions again. You write really well. Not only do you triumph over grammar, vocabulary and sentence construction. What touched me most was ur ability to connect to ur audience, to reach out, to write out emotions as if as spontaneously as being felt, and spread out life as threadbare as possible for everybody (or your readers) to muse on without any pretense. Parang todo na lahat ang pagkasulat, walang itinatago.

    And as I read on, I couldn't help but formulate a theory on what really happened between u and Ace. It may hurt u to literally lay it out, or to spoon feed it to ur readers, pero u provided all the dots for the readers to connect. I may be wrong on my theory, but let me thank u for the honesty u haveshown, for the candidness of ur narration, and the high entertainment value u gave us.
    Keep on writing, for your own sake, and more so, for our sake, lol.

    I wont thank u yet. I'll be around and please endure my boring rants. REN

  19. Haha,I meant thanking in the las part as in saying farewell.


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