Who Rocked The Boat

January 5, 2014 ~ Sunday

I was beside myself while in transit towards NAIA Terminal 2. Ace went home to Aklan for two weeks to be with his family for the holidays, and as always, he wanted me to fetch him in his return. As the bus cuts through traffic, I racked my brain aggressively for a decision. Should I tell him? Should I not? Guilt was eating me up for days now and I already lost much sleep. As I sat there staring blankly out the window, I felt like the shittiest shit in the world.

It all started two Sundays ago, when I attended an overnight party in Mandaluyong. It was a fun night full of games, jokes, and good food. I enjoyed it a lot for I got acquainted with new people, shared stories, and exchanged different opinions, particularly about matters regarding the blogosphere. More importantly, that was also the night when I met the person who would soon make me rock my own boat—the boat I'd been maintaining for more than 3 years. His name is Uno.

Uno has this cute smile accentuated by a set of dimples. Being slightly chinito, moreno, kinda chubby, and a bit taller than me, he has looks that most people will appreciate. The first time I saw him, I didn't mind him much. We actually had very few interactions that night, almost to none if I recall correctly. I didn't come to that party to flirt with anyone; I was there to simply have fun. I had no other intentions than to make new acquaintances, possibly make new friends. I thought that I won't see him again. I was wrong though.

To my slight surprise, a couple of days after Christmas, he invited me out for a movie together with his own circle of friends. I was reluctant to go at first since I was trying to stay as anonymous as possible, but I was too shy to refuse, so I accepted his invitation.

I enjoyed it only a little. The movie simply sucked and since it was my first time meeting Uno's friends, no one talked to me much, even Uno himself. I was quiet most of the time, just listening to their conversations. I was puzzled. Why invite me if I will just be ignored? Nonetheless, I could tell that they are nice people, so the day wasn't really a waste. I was still glad I was able to go out rather than to stay at home.

The day after the next, Kim, a public teacher I had befriended at the party, invited me for a night of drinks. Since I am very fond of her bubbly personality, I instantly said yes. She said she also asked two others, and one of them was Uno. This time, it went by pretty great. The four of us shared things about ourselves over a bottle of gold tequila mixed with Coke. Through their stories, I got to know them more intimately. This was when I began to get interested at Uno. Suddenly, I had this unexplained thirst to know more about him. His job, a brief summary of his past relationships and heartbreaks, and other personal details. I measured his personality, concluding that he's a lot more than meets the eye. I dug deeper, trying to be subtle about it. I went home afterwards and found myself thinking about him most of the time. I was so confused myself, and I knew that that is not good. But I didn't stop myself.

We gathered again for a couple of times more with Kim's friends in addition. Knowing I would see and be with Uno again made me excited. I was looking forward to our drinking sessions. I had met and got to know more people, but it's still Uno who I was most interested with. I was getting drawn to him the more I spend time with him. Soon, it began to dawn on me that I am starting to develop deeper feelings for him. And it actually saddened me.

It saddened me because I know it is wrong. By harboring romantic feelings for Uno, I'm jeopardizing my relationship with Ace. The feelings I'm silently brewing was beginning to rock the boat in an ominous way. So I thought of one solution: to write. I wrote an entry containing my thoughts to help me let go and forget, to help me stop my feelings from advancing, and posted it on the first day of 2014. I saw it as a form of confession to everyone. I thought that by telling it to the world, it would help me to further kill the idea that had been pestering in my mind. I asked Ace to read it, and he just took the issue lightly, telling me not to worry and assuring me that I could get past this. He said that it was just a simple crush. Just a fleeting thought that I will forget eventually. Unfortunately, Ace was wrong for I did not.Without him knowing, that simple crush was turning into something more serious with each passing day.

Uno had also read the said post, and quickly deduced that he's the one I was talking about. To my surprise, he confessed to me through a phone call that he has intimate feelings for me as well. He was suppressing them only because he knows I already have someone in my life, and that it would not end well should he decide to push it. Sorrow filled me like a sudden rush of blood to the head. There we were, two people who have mutual feelings for each other but can't do anything about it because of valid circumstances. So Uno and I agreed to put a complete stop on it. We made an agreement not to meet and talk again, for the good of us both, to prevent one of us from potentially getting a broken heart.

However, fate did not let us succeed.

The gang decided to hold one last drinking session before we continue on with our lives. Uno and I were hesitant at first, but we decided to made an exception for them because they have nothing to do with what's happening with us. And because it would be our chance to say goodbye properly in person.

If I had only known that it would be a bad idea, then I would've said no instantly.

The night came and, as usual, the drinks were overflowing. Uno told us that he must leave after a few hours because he's the designated driver to bring his dad to the airport—his old man was to return overseas for work—so he didn't drink much. I too drank a little because I wanted to keep myself sober. I didn't want to be drunk when the "talk" happens.

An hour past midnight, when all were busy getting more drunk, I motioned Uno to go downstairs to do, once and for all, what we went there for. The others have an idea of what's going on between me and Uno, so they let us excused ourselves. It felt awkward as we sat alone on the couch of the living room.

Our heartfelt conversation went on and ended in an unexpected way. One thing led to another and, after a few days, I just found myself inside that bus, sitting as I wallow in despair. I was so stressed as I continue to think about that final night Uno and I had. I couldn't imagine facing Ace with that guilt. I'd rather jump on a cliff rather than prolong the suffering I was trying to endure.

As the airport came into view, my heart beat faster and louder. I felt like fainting, a shiver running down ominously down my spine. I knew that I should reap what I sow, even though I was still far from being ever ready for it.

To be continued...