M ~ Much To My Shame

I can be awful, in a negative way. That's a fact. But it doesn't mean that I am proud of it.

Rom is a living proof of that. If ever being a jerk is a crime, and I am to undergo a trial, he would be the first in line to testify against me.

No, I'm not being too hard on myself. Here, allow me to help you understand.

Rom and I were former clanmates way back on September of 2009. We started thru sweet exchanges of SMS, fell in love, then we eventually decided to meet up. Standing at around 5'4" tall, he's chubby and looks like a discounted Polo Ravales. I was 19, he's 17; I was a college senior, he's a sophomore engineering student.The first time we met was a bit awkward, but since he's only 2 years younger than me, it was easy to talk to him since we had a lot of common ground. After our first meeting, our relationship had began. We invited each other whenever there were occasions, and we had sleepovers in turns. We introduced each other to our respective friends; I told mine that he's a college classmate, and he told his the truth.

Since I'm his first boyfriend, he's still a virgin. I can say he's quite lucky because I gave him his one-of-a-kind first time. You should hear his loud moans when I used all my best maneuvers. I was able to convince him to be a bottom, since he has a less-than-average cock. Fortunately, he enjoyed it every time I fuck him. I would often rim him before I enter and begin pounding away. After we were both satisfied, he would request some cuddling. Rom loves cuddling up after the deed.

We also had several outdoor sex. One breezy night, we were hanging out at the park beside my town's city hall, and we were very horny. There are no motels nearby, and even if there's one, we don't have money to rent a room. So what did we do to relieve the heat in our groins? Well, we found a very dark alley between 2 government buildings adjacent to the bench we were sitting at. Inside this alley was a large machine-type of thing that 2 people can hide behind and not be seen from outside. Making sure no one was looking, we entered the alley and went behind the machine. We took turns sucking each other, then we masturbate until cumming on the concrete floor. It was pretty hot and exciting. The risk of getting caught heightened the pleasure. We repeated it twice, on separate occasions. On the third time, while we were doing it, a girl went inside the alley to pee (I think). When she saw us crouching behind the machine, she let out a startled cry and ran back outside. After quickly fixing ourselves, we walked briskly in the opposite direction. Whatever the girl thought we're doing in there, I have no idea. Due to the darkness, I'm sure she won't be able to recognize us if ever she called the attention of the roving police. We never went back there again. Rom and I also did masturbate together at the back of an air-conditioned bus when it was near empty. We only did it once though; it was not that great.

There was one time when I was alone at home, so I invited Rom over. We are residing in a compound owned by my paternal grandfather. All our neighbors are my father's parents and siblings, so privacy is a little limited. Rom and I were in bed, taking a nap, our arms locked in warm embrace. I woke up to someone calling me through the window. When I looked at it, I noticed a silhouette moving away. I was agitated. Whoever peeked through that window must had seen us in that state. I stood up and went to check. It was my grandfather! He was already walking away towards his house. In my extreme worry, I immediately sent Rom home. Then, I stayed indoors until my parents and siblings returned. I thought I would be busted later that day, I was expecting to be interrogated in the evening. But night time came and no one had questioned me, much to my relief. However, after a few days, my mom was wondering why did my grandfather asked her if I'm gay. I just feigned ignorance, while secretly wiping the cold beads of sweat that formed in my forehead. From then on, I was told to limit visitors at home. They didn't mentioned Rom specifically, but I knew it was him they were pertaining to.

After 2 months, I decided to break up with him. One night, I sent him a text message saying it's over. He was devastated. He said he was on his way and he wanted to personally talk to me, much to my irritation. Since we are living in the province, commuting very late at night is difficult since there's no more PUVs. So I don't know how he managed to appear right outside our gate, waiting for me. But I didn't want to face him, so I told him to go home. What will I say to my parents when they discovered I slipped outside to talk to Rom? They would get very suspicious. After an hour or two, he finally surrendered. He asked if we can talk another day. To end that night of drama, I agreed. I met him again the following week. He tried everything to convince me to change my mind, but I kept my decision nonetheless.

Being his first, moving on was very difficult for him. He was still hoping that someday, I would give him another chance. At first, I did my best to calmly explain to him that I will never go back, but he was still persistent. Later on, I got much more irritated. I became rude to him to the point that I was already telling him very hurtful words so that he would finally back off. I became a huge douchebag just for him to leave me alone. He had a couple of boyfriends after me, but he often told me that he can't love them the way he loves me.

After almost a year, he finally moved on. He already graduated early this year, and he would soon take his board exams. Currently, we are Facebook friends.

Now, I present to you the rationales behind my decision to call it quits.

• He's younger than me.

I like older men more than guys around my age. I prefer the aura of wisdom and maturity rather than the aura of youth and freshness. I am a bit childish and immature at times. I don't want a partner that is exactly the same. I want someone who's not only a lover, but can also be a guardian.

• He's got family and financial problems.

Rom has a broken and dysfunctional family. His parents are separated; his father is jobless and his mother is an OFW. His older sister is a problem child and his younger brother is aloof to him. I can't deal with all of this at that time; I also had problems of my own. In addition to that, whenever we go out, which was kinda sporadic, it was mostly at my expense. I'm not that rich. I was still a student.

• His boil turned me off.

This was during our 2nd month. One time, while rimming him, I felt something bumpy in his right buttock. I looked at it and I saw a big pimple-like lump. I squeezed it and a yellowish goo oozed from it! Rom shouted in pain. He asked what did I do. I told him I didn't do anything. He seemed convinced and he let it go. However, I already lost my libido. I told him that I'm tired and I asked if we just could finish it later. Luckily, he agreed, not noticing my disgust with what I saw. Later on, I realized that it was a boil, and it was my first time seeing such a thing. Forgive my skittishness, but I was really turned off

• He lives far away.

Yes, he is. He lives somewhere quite remote in our province, where it is difficult to commute when night time comes. I usually visit him after school, before going home. We were often together for hours until evening. Whenever I was at his place, I would worry about the time, and vice-versa.

• We couldn't get laid anytime I want to.

This is the most important thing for me. You see, I am a very horny person. Since he was already not welcome at our house, and he shares a room with his younger brother, we had no place for doing it. Hence, the thing at the dark alley happened. And I didn't want to resort to having sex in public places. I can get cranky if my lust is unrelieved.

I'm not trying to justify my horrible actions towards Rom by telling you these. I just want you to understand that these reasons are enough for me to give up on our relationship, much to my shame. You may find these shallow or unjust. But maybe that was the whole point of my feelings towards him: a very conditional love.

I am still waiting for karma to collect what I owe.