J ~ Jailbreak

Ever since I was a kid, I am already aware that I prefer men more than women. The image of a muscular body entices my senses much greater than the feminine physique. However, I have yet to acknowledge it during my pre-teen years, thinking that I was just undergoing a phase, and that someday, I would still lead the life of a straight guy. I was nearing young adulthood when I had an epiphany. I should stop categorizing myself as a bisexual, and I should begin to accept that I am gay. I realized I would never get turned on by pechays; a juicy cock is what I only desire. However, after my realization, I had some thoughts, or rather a couple of questions for myself. Now that I know I'm 100% gay, who should I talk to? Who would understand and accept the real me? When should I do it?

Who to run first but to your friends, right? Though in my case, I came out first to my cousins. Of course I chose the ones I'm closest to, those who would surely not make a big deal out of it. I revealed it to 4 of my cousins, 1 girl and 3 boys (including Jude), one night on 2008, while we were having shots of brandy. Their reactions? Nothing violent. They didn't mind much. Afterwards, I've gotten much more relaxed in their presence, and I've gotten much closer to them, especially the girl, whom I share my relationship problems nowadays.

Next were the 2 people who I consider my best friends. I've known them since high school. I remember feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiety with the idea of them finding out my true rainbow colors. First is Lanie, a very tall and intelligent woman with a big body frame. In spite of her pretty face, she's having a hard time finding true love. I don't know why, but I'm sure there's nothing wrong with her. She learned the truth from me on 2009, before my revelation to Mary Jane. Her reaction? She knew it all along; she just needed a confirmation. She advised me to come clean to MJ, since it would be very unfair to her. Well, you know what happened. Second is Rey, a short, skinny, and slightly vain guy. We were having a drink when I came out to him on 2011, during the time I already have my sixth boyfriend. His reaction? Nothing much. He was sporting a poker face while I was telling him I'm gay and that I currently have a partner. I know he understood it; he just needed some time to process what he heard. After a year, he came out too, much to my slight surprise, so I also gave him the best poker face I can show.

The last person I came out to was my mom. Also on 2011, one day while having lunch, I told her all about it. Her response? She was a bit shocked, though she was expecting it. She asked me things regarding my future plans, like if I will still build my own family and if I am just undergoing a phase were among other things. I felt she's somehow disappointed. She also asked me if I would also tell it to my father. I said not that soon. I will talk to him once I am ready, and once all my 3 younger siblings had grown up, because I know that once my father finally discovered, my siblings and all of my relatives will learn of it as well. She agreed and told me that even though I am like this, she still loves me no matter what. I gave her the biggest smile and the warmest hug I could give.

2 years have passed, and things are going well. Most of my relatives in my maternal side, the ones who are open-minded, already know of my homosexuality, and they don't mind, while my paternal side, the conservative ones, still don't have an inkling (though I think my grandfather knows, but that's another story).

My father already asked me 4 times, starting last year, if I am gay. Of course, I always said no, like a government official perpetually denying their corrupt ways. But he would still insist, so my mom often butts in to my rescue, telling him to leave me alone. Then he would give me a look that says, "Di pa tayo tapos ha." And I would just laugh and flash him my toothiest smile.

I can also feel that my 3 younger brothers already know. But they still love and respect me; nothing has changed with the way they treat and look at me. They are still warm and brotherly. So I guess I wouldn't have a problem with them later on.

Lanie recently became single again, her last relationship didn't work out. She's now my fag hag. Rey, on the other hand, is happy and contented in his 3 year relationship with someone he met way back in college. He will soon open a printing shop with his boyfriend as his business partner.

Lastly, my mom doesn't fail to regularly remind me to keep things safe. She's aware of the diseases one can get when engaging in homosexual activities. I would just brush her off by assuring her that I am a decent, and to stop worrying about me because I know what's good from what's bad. Still, she wouldn't stop, which always bring a smile to my face. Well, I like being pampered.

But, and that's a pretty big 'but', even if I completely come out to all the important people in my life, I will still be straight-acting. You see, I am not comfortable of being an effem, though I enjoy their company. I have a strong belief that when someone comes out, there is a tendency that he might advance further to the path of effeminancy. Fortunately for me, being manly is the natural movement of my body; I don't need to exert effort. Even at work, where most closeted gays show their real selves, I am discreet. I never came out to a colleague. I believe that it was unnecessary, since I am not there to find life-long friends but only to do my job.

Coming out can make others cringe in their seats, they can't imagine their real selves exposed to the scrutiny of the people they know. Others desire it, having dreams of themselves in a situation where all the people they care about has finally accepted them; they long for the idea that they can move freely sans the discrimination. Nonetheless, one should only came out when he is finally ready. He shouldn't be forced or pressured if the time is not right for him. Otherwise, there are people who might get hurt in the process.

Most of us will eventually have a coming out story, and some already have one, while others don't even need one. Others would just need to confirm what their loved ones already know but afraid to ask, while the revelation of some would be a huge shock for their significant others. Nonetheless, there is one thing an individual can benefit from coming out: the long-awaited escape from the closet, or the homosexual jail, where we are pressured to hide in by the society's norms and discrimination.