G.2 ~ Giordano At The Slums

For you to further understand this story, you should know about the psyche of my 16-year-old self. You see, aside from being naive before when it comes to same sex relationships, I was very possessive too; I got easily jealous over petty things. I was also hot-tempered and I could get very physical. I have weak control over these; they would just take over me like a flick of a switch.

Though in the present I managed to tone them down, I wasn't able to get rid of them completely; old habits die hard, you know.

***

Gio and I used Ate Glaiza's house for all my overnight stays with him, which occurred nearly every week. He didn't have to worry about his daughter; she was being taken care of his parents in Manila. There are carinderias a block away, so we usually just have our food bought. The house still has electricity and water supply, and Gio's the one who pays when the bill comes. Ryan has a circle of gay friends that we befriended: a hairdresser, an elementary school teacher, and a cross dresser. Initially, I was very uncomfortable being with them because they are all very effeminate, I was quiet most of the time. Soon, they got me laughing at their witty and funny jokes, so I immediately got over my uneasiness. Gio and I often accompanied them in going around the area, watching volleyball games and beauty pageants, attending birthday parties, singing karaoke, and hunting for boys. Sometimes we hung out with Ate Glaiza and her family (she has 2 very yummy younger brothers who always wore basketball jerseys; they are the reason why I liked visiting there), but it was with our friends in the slums who we spend most of our time together. When I began college, I would often meet him first before going home. I was giving him so much of my time, I didn't notice that I was taking my family and friends for granted. Fortunately, they understood the power of young love, so they just let me have my way.  These went on for 4 months. And in those 4 months, we broke up twice.

We often had fights regarding fidelity and trust. You see, I completely trusted Gio before the incident with his phone, but after that, the trust lessened. The itch of checking his phone every time we were together became much greater and more irresistible. Every time that itch appeared, I weakly gave in, snooping around his mobile like a crazy wife. Eventually, I also learned the passwords to his Friendster and Yahoo mail, checking each for signs of infidelity, even reading the messages that were dated way before our relationship started. Yes, I was that creepy and paranoid! I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. There are times when he caught me inspecting his phone, and he eventually found out that I had access to his online accounts. Whenever I'm busted, he would just snigger, telling me to stop and just have trust in him, since the messages were never serious flirting; he only likes talking with other guys and make empty invitations. I wasn't convinced. An unattended itch could kill my sanity. Can you blame me? He was such a goddamn flirt! I based this claim from the conversations I'd read in his phone and Friendster! When he already had the knowledge of my covert activities, I noticed that he gradually stopped his flirtatious behavior, but I still continued.

Eventually, Gio got fed up with my paranoia past our 2nd month. While I was with a couple of college friends at a mall somewhere in Pasay, we got into a fight thru text. Unexpectedly, he told me that he's tired of my nagging and he wants us to be over. This was our first break-up. My reaction was instant and pitiful; I begged for his forgiveness and understanding, promising that I'll change. He replied no more. I was quiet and at a loss on my 2-hour ride going home; I didn't know what to do and who to talk to. When I got home, my mom asked me why I looked grief stricken. I sat beside her, leaned my head against her shoulder, and began crying my eyes out. She immediately understood what was happening.

"Okay lang yan. Madami pang iba diyan Sepsep. Wag mo na siyang masyadong isipin," she consoled, having no idea that the reason of her eldest son's despair was a grown-up man.

"Eh---mahal ko---po siya---Mama... Di ko---kayang mawala---siya..." I cried, sobbing uncontrollably.

This went on for about 15 minutes before I stopped, then I stood up and entered my room and skipped dinner. One Friday, after almost a week of complete silence from him (much to my anguish), he sent me the first text message since we broke up.

"Hey Sepsep, musta ka na? I miss you. Pwede ba tayo magkita?" he texted.

This made me so happy, I almost jumped up and down in delight.

"Eto hindi ok. Miss na miss na din kita. Patawarin mo na ko pls..." I replied.

"Magkita na lang tayo mamaya. Daan ka dito sa bahay ni Ate Glaiza mo before ka umuwi. See you later," he said.

I went, we talked, and we patched up. I promised that I would change and that I would trust him again. And I kept my word. I spent the night there since there's no school the next day; I just told my mom that my girlfriend and I got together again, and I need to spend time with her. Soon, everything went back to normal and we had less fights. We still quarreled from time to time, but never because of his loyalty.

It was in our 4th month when our 2nd break up happened. One day, I found out from our cross dresser friend about the night when Gio and Ryan let 3 boys sleep with them iwithout my knowledge. Having no idea who those boys were, and knowing that Ryan likes paying twinks for sex, I instantly got suspicious. My old paranoia returned, my temper rose up to boiling point, and I flared up. I confronted Gio and I'm telling you, it got really physical. We were both standing facing each other, Gio with a worried look and I with a furious expression.

"Ka-kanino mo naman nalaman yan? Si-siyempre hi-hindi no!" he stammered when I questioned him.

I grabbed the collar of his shirt using my both hands and shouted in his face, "Basta! Sabihin mo na yung totoo! Alam kong nagsisinungaling ka!" I raised my shaking fist high in the air.

Frightened of what I might do to him, he said, "Bitiwan mo nga ako! Hindi nga! Tanong mo pa kay Ryan! Saan mo ba kasi napupulot yan?"

Then I punched him, hard.

"Gusto mo isa pa? Ano, aamin ka na ba?" I threatened.

"Pucha naman Sepsep! Oo na sige na! May pinatulog nga kami dito! Pero wala namang nangyari iba! Maniwala ka! Alam ko ang iniisip mo at sinasabi ko sayo na mali yan!" he said, already crying.

"Gago ka pala e!" I yelled, and then kicked him in his left thigh, which caused him to stumble onto the floor. "Eh bakit mo pa kelangan itanggi nung una? Sabihin mong may nangyari! Kilala ko yang si Ryan, malibog yan! Pati ikaw! Kung magpapakantot si Ryan dito sa loob ng bahay, malamang ikaw din! Alangan namang patulugin nyo yung mga tarantadong yun dito ng wala lang! Hindi kayo ganon mapagkawang gawa no! Umamin ka na, SI-*kick*-NU-*kick*-NGA-*kick*LING ka!" I ranted further.

I aimed to kick him again, but then he shouted, "Tama na! Masakit na! Lumayo ka nga sakin! Wala talagang nangyari! Pinatulog lang namin sila dito! Kahit ano pa gawin mo sakin, wala naman akong maaamin!"

"Fuck you! Sinungaling ka talaga! Pag-isipan mo yang ginawa mo ha! Aamin ka na lang, hindi mo pa itodo!" I shouted back. I was still shaking when I gathered my things and walked out, leaving the scared Gio slumped on the floor.

I finally cooled down on the way home, regretting what had just occurred, realizing my repulsive capacity to physically hurt someone I love, and contemplating my overall behavior. In my mind, I'd overdone it and reacted very harshly; I went overboard and I was already past the point of no return. I forced myself to not feel guilty because I was still very hurt with what transpired. No messages came from him until 2 days later.

"Let's end this Sepsep. This is already very unhealthy for both of us. I am worried na baka may gawin ka pang mas grabe if we still continue this," he informed, via SMS.

Even though I already expected this to happen, I was still surprised. This hurt and saddened me much more than I already was. But this time, I cried no more. I sucked it up and accepted that I was at fault too. I never sent a reply and I kept quiet.

Afterwards, in the course of 2 weeks, I was slowly moving on. The pain and longing was lessened with each passing day. I missed him at times, but I forced myself to think that Gio and I will never work out and that my first homosexual relationship was an epic failure.

I was in the process of mending my broken heart when, one day, I got a surprising call from Gio. Thinking that he wants to get back together, I answered it. Instead, what I heard from him was definitely something grave and unexpected.

To be concluded...

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Author's Note: Again, this cut wasn't supposed to happen, but this had gotten very long. I humbly ask for your patience.