Letter Break 3 ~ D.S.W.Y.E.

During 2006, I chose a course in college that was currently in demand. It promised a bright future of working overseas. As a homosexual, being a nurse is a something of  a treat.

Since most female patients prefer a female nurse, I was always assigned to males. Young or old, single or married, fat or buff or slim, tall or short. I've done a lot of catheter insertion and removal, assisting in changing clothes, and my favorite, administering enemas. I've also seen a lot of flaccid cocks: big, small, cut, uncut, bushy, shaved, trimmed, smooth, dark, thick, thin, local, and foreign; as well as a variety of asses: hairy, smooth, dark, flawless, bubbly, flat, flabby, and muscled. The stress brought by a toxic 8 hours of duty is usually gone because of these.

Forgive me for being like this. I know that I should be professional, but when a dick is in front of me, especially if owned by a very cute patient, I can't help but to let the gay guy inside of me rejoice. I still do my best act decent and discreet though. I don't want to lose my license.

When I was still a student, I had a male patient which was scheduled for tonsil removal. He's in his late 20's, bespectacled, and kinda cute in a geeky way. His companion was also a guy several years younger than him. I knew they are not related the moment I saw them. The looks they gave each other were something I am very familiar with. The look of someone deeply in love. Awww. Someone giving you constant care when you're sick. How sweet, right? I had so much fun nursing that patient back to health. No, silly, I didn't have a threesome with them. *hahaha* Besides, I didn't tell them I am gay too. But I guess they already know that, using their gaydar and all.

My favorite part in my career so far is my 6 months of training in a well-known military hospital in 2011. I love military men, with their rugged look and authoritative charm. I love watching them jog; their muscled butts and legs accentuated by their thin skimpy shorts. It was like heaven being there. Oh God.

I had this remarkable patient when I was assigned in the ER for the first 2 months. One evening, a guy was rushed in. He was suffering from some kind of brain tumor and he was having an attack. He was unconscious but responsive. His muscles were in constant spasms. When the doctors and his relative left him to discuss the prognosis, I was told to look after him. I noticed he was still young, around my age. He's very handsome and he looks like Eric Fructuoso. His shirt and pants were already removed (I don't know why), so he was only wearing a black underwear. His muscled and tanned body was exposed for my entertainment, but I focused my gaze at his bulge. Oh my, that bulge, it was huge. I was guessing his penis is thick and around 7 inches long. Because he's moving involuntarily, he was regularly brushing his cock by accident. I resisted, with much difficulty, the urge to touch and feel it, as well as to take a peek at it. Actually, he was very pitiful. What happened to him was tragic; suffering something like that at an early age. Hence I felt guilty in taking advantage of him. I just covered him with a blanket and tried to restrain his arms until the doctors returned. He was transferred to the Neurological Ward hours after. Sadly, he never recovered.

I spent the last 2 months in their Orthopedic Ward, which was often full of male soldier patients. Since most of them were in line for operation, I got to see so many penises (for catheterization) and assholes (for enemas). Every day, I was looking forward to go to work. *sigh* I miss being there.

Being a gay nurse, amidst the toxicity of work, has its silver linings. However, you must keep in mind one very important thing. Don't shit where you eat.

O ~ One Day More

"Break na tayo," I finally said, after much prodding.

We were standing in front of each other, Miko and I. His eyes were tearing up. My expression was apathetic. He opened his mouth, as if to speak, then closed it again. He was staring blankly.

After a moment of stunned silence, he finally managed to blurt out, "Bakit? Nagbibiro ka ba?"

I looked at him and said once again, "Hindi. Napag-isipan ko na to. Ayaw ko na talaga."

He sat down on the nearest bench and started sobbing, burying his face on his hands. I followed him and waited, sitting idly beside him.

I met Miko on late November of 2009. One day, while I was on school immersion somewhere in Batangas, I received an SMS from an unknown number. He introduced himself. I asked where did he get my number. He said he got it from my previous clan; he was an ex-clanmate. For two weeks, we started to talk regularly.When I returned from the immersion, we decided to meet each other before I went home. He's chubby and a few inches taller than me. He's got a slightly unsmooth complexion and a set of crooked teeth. He's doesn't look that bad though, he's still presentable. He's charming and interesting. The only thing I hate about him was he always put powder on his face. I hate men who use face powder. It was a good first meeting nonetheless. Our conversations were engaging and fun. After that, we were officially a couple. Until one night, in late January of 2010, this happened.

"Bakit nga? Ano bang problema? Sabihin mo sakin ang totoo. Gusto kong maintindihan," he asked.

I gathered my thoughts for several seconds, inhaled deeply, then I answered, "Feeling ko kasi halos walang pinagkaiba yung relasyon natin dun sa amin ni Rom." I averted my eyes, looking down, then continued, "Di ko na kaya pakinggan yung mga problema mo sa pamilya, lalo na sa tatay mo. Napapagod na akong mag-alala sayo sa tuwing umuuwi ka sa inyo. Madami din naman akong sariling problema Miko."

I returned my gaze at him, he was still crying, so I went on, "Tapos hirap din tayo sa gastos. Halos nauubos na allowance ko every week. Alam kong hindi mo naman kasalanan na hirap ka sa buhay, kaso di naman pwedeng lagi na lang ako diba. Nagtatanong na nga sila Mama kung bakit lately ay lumalaki ang mga hinihingi ko sa kanila. Tapos---"

"2 months pa lang naman tayo Sepsep. Ang bilis mo naman sumuko," he interjected.

"Yun nga eh. Alam mo bang matagal ko na sana gustong kumalas? Mga isang buwan na tayo nung na-realize ko na hindi to magwo-workout eventually. Sabi ko sa sarili ko sige pagbigyan ko pa ng ilang weeks. Hanggang dumating ang nakaraang linggo, di ko na talaga kaya. Sabi ko kakausapin na kita. Pero mahina pa loob ko, kaya sabi ko, 'Sige, isang araw pa Sepsep.' Araw-araw kinukumbinsi ko ang sarili ko, na gagawin ko na, pero ngayon lang ako tuluyang naglakas-loob," I explained.

"Ano pa?" he said.

"Tapos ito pa. Nahihirapan ako maniwala sa mga kwento mo. Gaya nung sinabi mo na-ospital ka, pero ni hindi mo man lang ako hinayaang dumalaw kahit isang beses. Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba yung sinasabi mo na may sakit ka sa puso, kasi wala naman akong napapansin na kakaiba sayo. Atsaka yung di ka makalabas ng bahay ng isang linggo kasi sabi mo pinagtripan ka na naman ng tatay mo. Yun naman pala nasa galaan ka lang halos... Oo, alam kong nasa mall at mga inuman ka nang ilang beses. Wag mo na itanong kung paano ko nalaman. Ayaw ko na din marinig ang explanation mo. Kung ano man ang dahilan mo, wala na sa akin yon," I finished.

He stared again at me, looking shocked. I beamed, my eyes were accusing. He looked down once more. Then suddenly, he stood up and walked away. I just watched him go, feeling triumphant. In my mind, I was saying, "Yan ang dapat sa mga gaya mo. Ako pa tatarantaduhin mo ah."

You see, Miko was never serious with me. I was lucky that I didn't let myself fall hardly in love with him, considering I can get easily attached. I discovered his lies and deceits from a common friend. So I decided to end things with him. I won't wait for him to leave me, making me look like a fool. His tears were dramatic and convincing during that time, yes, but I know it was all just an act; they weren't real.

Oh, and also, he's a gold digger. Unfortunately for him, I'm no sugar daddy.

N ~ Needing Is One Thing, Getting Is Another

During my teenage years, whenever I need sex, I get it. Well, mostly from Uncle James.

In a previous story, I had mentioned that he lived with us in the province for several years; from when I was in grade 5 (2000) until I was a college sophomore (2007). There were times when he was gone for a couple of months, but he always returned. During those years, we were having sex almost on a daily basis, even simultaneously with my affairs with Jude, Kuya Matthew, Mary Jane, and Gio. If I wasn't in Metro Manila to be with either Jude or Kuya Matthew, Uncle James was there. For a couple of times that MJ refused my requests to have sex, I did it with him instead. Every night I spent away from Gio, he's the one who satisfied my lust.

When I was still uncircumcised, I was always the submissive one. I just followed his every whim. Whenever he kisses me, I allow him, not moving my lips. Every time he masturbates, I let him use one of my hands. If he tells me to get on top of him, I obediently do it. And like before, whenever he attempts to fuck me, I just raise my legs in silence. That was the situation for the first couple of years.

The first adult cock I had seen was his. One time, he was tutoring my younger brother for the upcoming exams. They were in our dining table. He told me to get under it. Since the tablecloth was very long, I am perfectly hidden inside. He grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. I felt his already raging hard-on, so I pulled the front of his shorts down to let his dick out. In all the times Uncle James molested me, I had never seen his dick directly. Hence I was enthralled when I finally saw it. It was very different from mine. It's huge, thick, and veiny. I was mesmerized by its shape and its head. I stroked it and put it in my mouth, though I wasn't able to suck it whole. After playing with it for a couple of minutes, he signaled me to stop. So I went out and continued playing with my other siblings, knowing in my mind that we will finish the deed later.

When both my body and cock started to develop after my foreskin was cut off, our sex became much hotter. Our roles started to reverse bit by bit. I started to return his kisses, I masturbated together with him, and we took turns blowing each other in different positions. When I learned about rimming from watching porn, I told him about it. After that, we began doing it. I forget everything whenever I feel his tongue wiggling on my ass, sliding it from my buttcrack up to my balls. I often played with my tool while he rimmed me. Oh my, I felt like heaven opens up every time that happens, my inhibitions gone.

Uncle James was also the first person I ever topped. One night, I had him lying face-down, licking him from his nape down to his buttcrack. Then, I started shoving my tongue on his hole, his moans got louder and longer. Suddenly, he said, "Sepsep, pasukin mo ako." I stared at him, he nodded. I stood up to get a bottle of lotion. I slathered it liberally. I was able to slide my hot rod inside with much effort, ignoring his muffled cries of pain, enjoying the idea that I was the one in control. The sensation was new to me, like an unexplored land. It was very different from a blowjob. His ass was warm and very tight. Each thrust I made sent shivers up my spine. My eyes rolled in ecstasy, our moans came out in unison, and our bodies shining with sweat. Then I exploded, my body trembling in extreme pleasure as streams of cum spewed out inside him. We slumped back in bed, breathing heavily. From then on, I fucked him almost weekly. And I always did it bareback.

Eventually, I became much more dominant. There were instances that I ejaculate alone; after I reach climax, I go straight back into my bed and leave him to masturbate on his own, much to his disappointment. I treated him like my personal doll that I was able to use as I wish, and a sex tool that I got to practice with to enhance my skills. I wasn't bothered by that even for a bit though. I felt like he deserved it, for all the times he had caused me pain every time he tried to enter me; for ruining the remaining innocence of my childhood, prematurely unleashing the horny monster inside me.

In early 2008, he returned to his province and stayed there for good. His sudden disappearance threw me off a little. He still visited us from time to time though, staying for a night or two in my room. To make his visits worthwhile and his ass very sore in the morning, I pound him in every position I could think of, like hungry animals in the wild, making the bed creak all night long.

To be concluded...

M ~ Much To My Shame

I can be awful, in a negative way. That's a fact. But it doesn't mean that I am proud of it.

Rom is a living proof of that. If ever being a jerk is a crime, and I am to undergo a trial, he would be the first in line to testify against me.

No, I'm not being too hard on myself. Here, allow me to help you understand.

Rom and I were former clanmates way back on September of 2009. We started thru sweet exchanges of SMS, fell in love, then we eventually decided to meet up. Standing at around 5'4" tall, he's chubby and looks like a discounted Polo Ravales. I was 19, he's 17; I was a college senior, he's a sophomore engineering student.The first time we met was a bit awkward, but since he's only 2 years younger than me, it was easy to talk to him since we had a lot of common ground. After our first meeting, our relationship had began. We invited each other whenever there were occasions, and we had sleepovers in turns. We introduced each other to our respective friends; I told mine that he's a college classmate, and he told his the truth.

Since I'm his first boyfriend, he's still a virgin. I can say he's quite lucky because I gave him his one-of-a-kind first time. You should hear his loud moans when I used all my best maneuvers. I was able to convince him to be a bottom, since he has a less-than-average cock. Fortunately, he enjoyed it every time I fuck him. I would often rim him before I enter and begin pounding away. After we were both satisfied, he would request some cuddling. Rom loves cuddling up after the deed.

We also had several outdoor sex. One breezy night, we were hanging out at the park beside my town's city hall, and we were very horny. There are no motels nearby, and even if there's one, we don't have money to rent a room. So what did we do to relieve the heat in our groins? Well, we found a very dark alley between 2 government buildings adjacent to the bench we were sitting at. Inside this alley was a large machine-type of thing that 2 people can hide behind and not be seen from outside. Making sure no one was looking, we entered the alley and went behind the machine. We took turns sucking each other, then we masturbate until cumming on the concrete floor. It was pretty hot and exciting. The risk of getting caught heightened the pleasure. We repeated it twice, on separate occasions. On the third time, while we were doing it, a girl went inside the alley to pee (I think). When she saw us crouching behind the machine, she let out a startled cry and ran back outside. After quickly fixing ourselves, we walked briskly in the opposite direction. Whatever the girl thought we're doing in there, I have no idea. Due to the darkness, I'm sure she won't be able to recognize us if ever she called the attention of the roving police. We never went back there again. Rom and I also did masturbate together at the back of an air-conditioned bus when it was near empty. We only did it once though; it was not that great.

There was one time when I was alone at home, so I invited Rom over. We are residing in a compound owned by my paternal grandfather. All our neighbors are my father's parents and siblings, so privacy is a little limited. Rom and I were in bed, taking a nap, our arms locked in warm embrace. I woke up to someone calling me through the window. When I looked at it, I noticed a silhouette moving away. I was agitated. Whoever peeked through that window must had seen us in that state. I stood up and went to check. It was my grandfather! He was already walking away towards his house. In my extreme worry, I immediately sent Rom home. Then, I stayed indoors until my parents and siblings returned. I thought I would be busted later that day, I was expecting to be interrogated in the evening. But night time came and no one had questioned me, much to my relief. However, after a few days, my mom was wondering why did my grandfather asked her if I'm gay. I just feigned ignorance, while secretly wiping the cold beads of sweat that formed in my forehead. From then on, I was told to limit visitors at home. They didn't mentioned Rom specifically, but I knew it was him they were pertaining to.

After 2 months, I decided to break up with him. One night, I sent him a text message saying it's over. He was devastated. He said he was on his way and he wanted to personally talk to me, much to my irritation. Since we are living in the province, commuting very late at night is difficult since there's no more PUVs. So I don't know how he managed to appear right outside our gate, waiting for me. But I didn't want to face him, so I told him to go home. What will I say to my parents when they discovered I slipped outside to talk to Rom? They would get very suspicious. After an hour or two, he finally surrendered. He asked if we can talk another day. To end that night of drama, I agreed. I met him again the following week. He tried everything to convince me to change my mind, but I kept my decision nonetheless.

Being his first, moving on was very difficult for him. He was still hoping that someday, I would give him another chance. At first, I did my best to calmly explain to him that I will never go back, but he was still persistent. Later on, I got much more irritated. I became rude to him to the point that I was already telling him very hurtful words so that he would finally back off. I became a huge douchebag just for him to leave me alone. He had a couple of boyfriends after me, but he often told me that he can't love them the way he loves me.

After almost a year, he finally moved on. He already graduated early this year, and he would soon take his board exams. Currently, we are Facebook friends.

Now, I present to you the rationales behind my decision to call it quits.

• He's younger than me.

I like older men more than guys around my age. I prefer the aura of wisdom and maturity rather than the aura of youth and freshness. I am a bit childish and immature at times. I don't want a partner that is exactly the same. I want someone who's not only a lover, but can also be a guardian.

• He's got family and financial problems.

Rom has a broken and dysfunctional family. His parents are separated; his father is jobless and his mother is an OFW. His older sister is a problem child and his younger brother is aloof to him. I can't deal with all of this at that time; I also had problems of my own. In addition to that, whenever we go out, which was kinda sporadic, it was mostly at my expense. I'm not that rich. I was still a student.

• His boil turned me off.

This was during our 2nd month. One time, while rimming him, I felt something bumpy in his right buttock. I looked at it and I saw a big pimple-like lump. I squeezed it and a yellowish goo oozed from it! Rom shouted in pain. He asked what did I do. I told him I didn't do anything. He seemed convinced and he let it go. However, I already lost my libido. I told him that I'm tired and I asked if we just could finish it later. Luckily, he agreed, not noticing my disgust with what I saw. Later on, I realized that it was a boil, and it was my first time seeing such a thing. Forgive my skittishness, but I was really turned off

• He lives far away.

Yes, he is. He lives somewhere quite remote in our province, where it is difficult to commute when night time comes. I usually visit him after school, before going home. We were often together for hours until evening. Whenever I was at his place, I would worry about the time, and vice-versa.

• We couldn't get laid anytime I want to.

This is the most important thing for me. You see, I am a very horny person. Since he was already not welcome at our house, and he shares a room with his younger brother, we had no place for doing it. Hence, the thing at the dark alley happened. And I didn't want to resort to having sex in public places. I can get cranky if my lust is unrelieved.

I'm not trying to justify my horrible actions towards Rom by telling you these. I just want you to understand that these reasons are enough for me to give up on our relationship, much to my shame. You may find these shallow or unjust. But maybe that was the whole point of my feelings towards him: a very conditional love.

I am still waiting for karma to collect what I owe.

L ~ Lost & Found

I remember starting using PlanetRomeo (PR) on mid 2009. After making an account, I began surfing through lots of profiles for hours for almost everyday. I saw an abundance of horny egocentric men, as well as the different kinds of PR users. Hence I made the list below for your reference.

• The Untouchables - the ones who are way out of your league. Most gays can't do anything but to just drool over them. They often get at least a hundred messages per day. If you are not in the same category, you will probably be ignored.
• The Entrepreneurs - these are ranging from escorts to masseurs. They're making a business out of PR. The escorts cost more than the masseurs, of course, since the former are often more good-looking than the latter.
• The Romantics - the ones who are looking for love in the sea of lustful men. In spite of the majority of frustrating profiles, they are still hopeful that, one day, they can find the right one hidden amongst them. There are 2 sub-categories for the Romantics:
• The Choosy - they have a long list of criteria in choosing a suitable partner. The funny thing is, they are looking for their ideal man in the most unlikely place. They are often unsuccessful.
• The Desperate - the ones who will grab any opportunity for any intimacy. Sadly, this is true.
• The Friendlies - 'looking for friends' is their most common status, but they are just shy of blatantly saying 'looking for sex'. C'mon. No one hangs out in PR just because they want new buddies. If they really want to make friends, they should go to Facebook.
• The Clowns - these individuals are like the gay stand-up comedians of PR. You won't resist a laugh or two when you visit their page. Most are funny on purpose, while some are only accidental; you will laugh at them either because of their typos or their absurd profile descriptions.
• The Rant Machines - they use PR solely as a tool to vent out their frustrations in life. Usually, they are bitter because they are rejected by the Untouchables.
• The Blanks - those whose profiles are empty. No information whatsoever, no descriptions, no pictures. Their purpose in PR is mystifying.
• The Mutilated - these are the users who have cropped pictures. Some don't have heads, only their gorgeous body is shown, while some only show one part of their face. When you encounter a Mutilated, you can expect three possibilities: someone discreet, someone ugly, or both.
• The Attention Whores - the main reason why they made an account is only to flaunt their looks. They have no intention to meet anyone. They just wanted people to ogle at them for reasons I can't fathom. Maybe to have an ego boost, or maybe they are just bored. Most of them are already in a relationship.
• The Sex Addicts - they are the ones who utilize PR for its ultimate purpose: sex. Looks and personality are not much of  a big deal to them; they just want to get inside your pants.
• The Criminals - even PR is not safe from people with evil intents. They range from scammers to HIV positive individuals who spread the virus on purpose by engaging in sexual activities without the knowledge of their partner. They are the reason why you should always take extreme caution in using this website.
• The Broths - these individuals will bore or irritate you to death. They seem to be the most worthless users to talk to. Every conversation with them has no substance; it feels like they are not using their brains, or they don't have one at all.
• The Ideal Men - they are the dream men of homosexuals, the epitome of a perfect boyfriend. They have a pretty face and a great body. You will instantly fall in love with their personality. They are friendly and not picky; they are rugged and very straight-acting. For them, what's inside is much more important than the exterior. Unfortunately, they don't exist.

One can be categorized in 2 or more of the above. Others may fall in only a single category. What I find amusing is that these can be applied to homosexuals outside the cyberspace; we are divided into different classifications as well. Discreets, effeminates, transsexuals, trippers, twinks, and bears are some of the examples. There a lot of flavors to choose from. You may favor only one or you may have a taste of them all. *hehe*

When I used PR during that time, I never went out to meet anyone. Either no one was interesting enough or if ever there's one, they have a serious attitude problem that instantly turned me off. I also tried looking for a relationship, hoping that somewhere amongst the faces, the one who's tailor-made for me was just waiting to be found. Yes, I know it was highly unlikely. But sometimes, you can found love in the most unexpected places, right?

***

One day, while exploring PR, I received a message from someone named Marky. He was inviting me to join in his clan exclusive for the residents of my province. Since it was another new thing I never heard before, I instantly said yes. He asked for my mobile number. A few minutes later, I received something like a registration form thru text message that I should fill out.

"What the hell is a clan?" you might ask. A clan is a club with perks for bored people. It is similar to Yahoo! groups, except that it utilizes mobile phones. In this case, it was a clan for people like us. We were required to send at least 1 group message per day. A clan officer would often send out quizzes, polls, or trivia from time to time. All of these have equivalent points. Each member needs to accumulate a certain number of points per week. Otherwise, immediate termination was the usual punishment, unless justified. At the end of every week, the member with the highest points will be rewarded.

Sounds fun? Nah, not really.

I mean, this concept of another way for homosexuals to socialize is nice, yes, but it would be great if people can use it to have interesting discussions or to bridge our differences. Instead, I always received group messages (GM) that are senseless, useless, and clearly egotistic, such as: "Gudpm evry1, kain na po kau. Ulam ko tonyt ay cornd beef. Pakabusog po," or "Going to the mall. Chill chill lang tayo guys," or "Ligo time na. Baho ko na e.", and the worst are "Hanap po ng katext jan," or "Txt txt po sa my gus2." These always grinded my gears; it needed a huge amount of self-control to keep myself from replying, "Fuck you, wala akong pakialam kung ano iniinom mo ngayon!" or "Ayusin mo pagtetext mo, mongoloid!"

Another irritating thing I must mention is that you must get used to members bitching with each other. You see, in clans, couples are a norm. I often heard news of someone bickering with another member because the latter was flirting with the former's boyfriend, or vice-versa. The worse thing was they were doing that thru GMs. I don't know, it seems decency is a rare commodity. Whenever I received this kind of GMs, I would like to tell them, "Hey, haven't you heard of a thing called private message? You dumbass." One can conclude that most relationships that sprouted from clans are already doomed to fail. Unless both of them quit their membership, the lifespan of their romance is a couple of weeks tops.

Aside from the group messages, the clan also held grand eyeballs (GEBs), which required us to attend at least once a month. Eyeballs usually equates to going out for a drink together with your clanmates. Through this, I found out that most members are effeminate based on their behavior and fashion choice. And I didn't expect that, in one of these, I would meet someone who will eventually make my heart beat again, but that's another story. It took a while for me to get used to these gatherings. In a typical eyeball, the loud ones are the effeminates, the straight-actings quietly consume their beer in one corner, and the good-looking ones are surrounded by the loud ones. If you are a snob, you will probably feel out of place since you will be mostly ignored. The more you can follow their loudness, the more you will easily blend in.

I quit the clan after a couple of months when I got bored of it. I made some new friends, yes, but they were not for keeping. I never missed them, actually.

***

I once got lost in the complicated ecosystem of PlanetRomeo, the haven of homosexuals looking for hookups, or even love. Here was where I learned to get used to rejection, and how to properly reject other people as well. Then, someone found me. An individual who introduced a whole new world which was unbeknownst to me. A world where egocentrism and shallowness are rampant. 

However, when I think about it now, there isn't much difference between PR and clans. Finding someone decent and engaging is a rarity. It is up to you to decide if you will maximize their use, to learn some new things from them, and to carry on if necessary. And if they are not your kind of thing, no one will force you to continue. If you decide to go on, you must always keep in mind that, like real life, you should wade into them with caution. They are both full of individuals looking for some form of recognition and intimacy, on way or another; some are even near desperate. Hence being a softy can definitely harm you.

Now, you might find this story mostly in a negative light. But keep in mind that this is only my take of things, so this is rather subjective. It would still be best for you to find out on your own. Experience is life's best teacher, you know.

K.2 ~ Kapatiran Blues

"Tarantado! Kelan ka pa sumali jan ha?!" my father said, yelling like a madman.

It was a few minutes going midnight. He was sitting in bed beside my mother. Rage emanated from his face, while my mother looked at him, concerned of his blood pressure. I was standing at the corner, looking at the floor and not saying a word.

"Di mo ba alam na pwede ka mamatay diyan? Wala kaming kaalam-alam dito! Akala namin safe ka sa bahay ng kaklase mo para sa project nyo kamo, yun pala nagpabugbog ka lang! Sinungaling kang tarantado ka! Dapat sinabi mong gusto mong masaktan, para ako na lang sumuntok, tumadyak, at humataw sayo!" he shouted.

I thought I could get away with it. I arrived home at an hour past noon and went straight to my room. I told them to just wake me up for dinner. I said I was tired and still had no sleep because we had to finish our school project. When I went down to eat later at night, my father noticed my slight limping that I tried my best to hide. He immediately knew; he told me to show him my thighs. And voila. His eyes shot me a look that says, "Mamaya ka sa akin. Maguusap tayo." I guess he doesn't want to ruin dinner for my 3 younger brothers, so we just ate in silence. When my brothers were finally asleep, they called me in their room.

"Gusto mo palayasin na kita dito? Mukha namang wala ka nang pakialam sa mararamdaman namin! Umalis ka na lang dito kung ganyan lang! Bukas iempake mo na mga damit mo ha! Sumagot ka gago ka!" he continued.

Of course, I said no.

"Akala ko ba matalino ka? Ano ba mapapala mo diyan ha? Putanginamo! Pasalamat ka at inaawat ako ng mama mo! Kundi kanina ka pa nakatupi diyan sa sahig!" he growled. And he said many other hurtful things that if I recount it all, your ears might start bleeding.

After the awful sermon, I went back to bed and, for the second time in my life, cried my eyes out. I wept because I knew I had hurt them. I broke their trust as well. For the next few days, my parents gave me the silent treatment. Well, I preferred that more than being booted out of the house. After a week, they told me I am grounded and that they would monitor me closely. They copied my schedule in a bond paper and pasted it on our refrigerator, which means I should go home directly after school. I informed my fratmates and they understood; they said I should wait for the situation to cool first. So for almost 3 months, I had a very limited life. It was like the boring extension of the initiation rites. More of household chores, but no video games, no hanging-out at the mall, missing out on parties, and other stuff normal teenagers enjoy.

After enduring a long time of no extra-curricular activities, I got my freedom back. My parents finally softened and forgave me. However, things were never the same. Before, I could have sleepovers as much as I want, but now, I would have to answer so many questions first. And oftentimes, they wouldn't even allow me. In spite of this, I was still able to attend chapter meetings and community services of the organization.

A year had passed and our C.P. would soon graduate, so it was time to elect someone new for the position. And guess who replaced him? Me. It was a unanimous decision. I knew that no one among my fratmates had the desire of becoming a C.P. because of the big responsibilities, so they ganged up on me, including my batchmates. I had no choice but to accept. So what to do but make the most out of it, right? With the former C.P. as my adviser, the following are my accomplishments in my one year of term:

• I assigned Melo as the new M.I. for the incoming pledges.
• We had initiated a total of 20 new members. I was eager to do the stripping-off-of-clothes-when-committed-a-mistake task to the cute male pledges. Eventually, being a Lord pays off. *heeheehee*
• We conducted a lot of community services, such as:
• We visited several orphanages to give groceries and clothes.
• We adopted a Gawad Kalinga village. We helped in building houses.
• We had given free medical and dental services.As well as free medicines.
• We held several Operation Tuli programs in selected barangays. I was able to circumcised at least a hundred boys, all in all. Fortunately, I am not a pedophile, so I was never enticed. Besides, who would get aroused by a bloody peepee, right? The oldest I operated on was a 16 year old teenager who's got a huge dick. Though I think he's an effeminate gay; maybe that's why he's still uncircumcised at that age.

When you are a member of a fraternity, constant vigilance is required every single day. Ever heard of a frat war? Our school have this another fraternity that constantly bugged us. They would often attempt to ambush one of us from time to time, but they always failed. As a leader, I instructed my members to just ignore them. Fighting back would only make things worse. We would only fight back when necessary, to protect ourselves; we should never initiate. However, there was one incident that forced me to take action.

I got a call one day while I was on hospital duty. It was Mia.

"Batch, asan ka? May nangyari kay Josh," she said, sounding very worried.

"Nandito sa duty. Bakit ano nangyari? Ok lang ba siya?" I said, trying to stay calm.

"Di ko alam ang buong kwento eh. Papunta pa lang ako sa <name of hospital>. Andun daw ang iba ngayon sa ER. Sumunod ka na after ng duty mo," she informed.

"Okay, 1 hour na lang naman at uuwi na ako. Ingat kayo ha. I'll talk to you later," I said.

Upon arriving at the said hospital, I saw my other fratmates waiting outside the operating room. When I went inside, I saw Josh sitting on a bed. Beside him was his father.

"Uy batch, kamusta? Ano nangyari? Ano daw lagay mo?" I hurriedly asked.

"Eto tignan mo," he said, showing his gaping wound on the head that looked like it needs at least 10 stitches.

"Shit. Ano ba nangyari?" I said, almost cringing.

"Tarantado yang mga <name of opposing organization> na yan. Naglalakad ako mag-isa sa side walk papuntang school. Biglang may tumigil na van sa tabi, tas may bumabang 6. Nakilala ko yung isa. Si Yarrenas, yung na-kickout dati. Pinaligiran nila ako tapos pinaluhod ako. Gusto nila malaman kung ilan ba tayo lahat sa chapter at kung sino ang leader. Hindi ako nagsalita, kahit ano pang banta ang gawin nila. Nung mapikon na sila, pinagsusuntok na nila ako. Yung iba tinadyakan ako. Tapos bago sila umalis, hinampas nila ako ng dos por dos. Nung mawala sila, tumakbo na ako papuntang school tapos dumiretso sa clinic. At dinala na nila ako dito," he recounted, anger clealy evident in his eyes.

"Ano sinabi mo sa clinic? Malamang nagtanong ang mga yon," I asked.

"Sabi ko natumba ako at naumpog sa bato. Hindi naman na sila nagtanong pa. Batch, kelangan makaganti tayo. Sumosobra na sila. Kapag hindi tayo lumaban, baka mas grabe pa ang gawin nila. Sabi ni Papa tutulungan nya daw tayo," he said.

"Sige, gagawan ko ng paraan. Magpatahi ka muna sa doktor," I said before I went outside.

While Josh was being stitched up, we hatched a plan together with his father. After 2 weeks of planning and looking for Yarrenas, we found him alone in a mall, apparently waiting for someone. I had 2 of our burliest members dragged him outside to the darkest part of the mall's parking lot. Being the C.P., my safety was the highest priority, so I remained inside the car, while 7 of my fellow members were outside with Yarrenas; they were wearing masks. I'm telling you, he took a pretty bad beating sans the dos por dos. Josh gave him the final blows. Before we left him slumped and bleeding on the concrete floor, he told us a very important piece of information. Who told them that Josh is a member? Yarrenas said it was Samuel. That bastard. Not only he was a quitter, he was also a goddamn traitor. After a week, we did the same to him, but with additional punches and kicks. That should teach them not to cross us. Fortunately, they understood the message. Since then, they left us in peace. The last time I heard news about them was they were pestering another fraternity at school. What a bunch of losers.

After graduating, I became an alumni. I still join in the community services whenever I'm available, and I still attend initiation rites when invited. How about my batchmates? Melo decided to take Medicine in another school; he is now on his 2nd year. Josh migrated to Chicago after graduating; he is currently undergoing training in the US Army. Faye migrated to California also after graduating. She is already a successful nurse. And Mia is currently working in one of the hospitals in Las Piñas where her mother serves as the Chief Nurse. A long time have passed since we've been completely together. I miss them a lot.

Being a fratman has its benefits. Aside from the connections I had made, I also learned a lot from it.  We have this saying: "Kapag naghirap ka muna bago mo makuha ang isang bagay, mas mamahalin mo ito at hindi mo ito basta madaling maiiwan." This is the rationale behind the whole hazing idea. And I agree. Allow me to give you an example. Let's say that my fraternity is a pretty girl that I fell in love with. My parents hated her, but I still courted her to prove to myself that I can succeed. I did everything I could to get her sweet 'yes'. Now that I have the girl I desire the most, do you think I will let her go that easily? Do you think after all I've been through, I won't be crazy in love with her?

If I was able to join the organization without any difficulty whatsoever, it would be pretty easy for me to eventually take it for granted or to abandon it once things get rough. But since I risked my life to be a member, I treasured it when I finally got in. Of course I wouldn't want to lose something of which I almost died for. That's why I didn't stop in spite of my parents' strong objection. 

I am already used to hearing people tell me, "Ano mapapala mo diyan? Sakit lang ng katawan yan." or "Bakit ba kailangan ng hazing? Paano naging kapatiran yan kung nagsasakitan kayo?" or "Inaaksaya mo lang oras at buhay mo diyan." And sometimes, I don't even bother to explain or give a counterargument, because I eventually learned to accept that not all people can understand, much like the fact that heterosexuals will never understand homosexuals; they never experienced it being in our shoes.

Now, this doesn't mean that I want you to accept all of this. It's perfectly okay if you can't agree with me. You might say that I am only justifying something that, for you, is foolish and will never be right. And I respect your opinion if you say that I am. Though there's no harm in keeping an open mind, is there?

K.1 ~ Kapatiran Beginnings

It was April of 2008; I was already a college sophomore, and our inevitable summer classes had began. One day, before going home, I was on my way to the comfort room when I heard someone called, "Pssst. Sepsep, halika. Upo ka muna dito." I recognized the voice; it was Josh, my first ever seatmate on my first day as freshman. I turned my head to his direction and saw him sitting on a bench beside someone else. I approached them, asking why.

"Gusto mo sumali sa frat? Dali na. Walang sakitan to," he said.

I didn't expect that, so I was a bit bewildered. Joining a fraternity painlessly? Sounds too good to be true.

He seemed to notice the suspicion in my face, so he continued, "Seryoso to. Eto nga si Mia niyayaya ko din o. Di pa nga lang siya sure. Kapag may napapayag pa akong isa, sasali na din daw siya. Dali na."

I looked at the girl beside him. I had never seen her before around the campus. She nodded at me, agreeing with Josh. I just smiled and said, "Teka, fratman ka pala Josh? At kelan naman yan?"

"Hindi pa ako kasali. Kapag pumayag ka, sabay tayong magiging applicant. Kaya sumali ka na, para magka-batch tayo nitong sila Mia," he insisted.

"Okay, sige. Text mo na lang ako regarding sa details. Nagmamadali ako, may mga kasama pa ko," I patted him on the back before I go.

Up until now, I have yet to mention another characteristic of mine. I am an adventurous person. I love the thrill of experiencing new things. Doing something for the first time gives me an unparalleled excitement. Hence, it didn't surprise me that I easily agreed on this, without second thoughts. An offer of joining a brotherhood without experiencing pain; it sounded very tempting to my ears. So when Josh informed me that our pledgeship will start the day after, I was there at the mentioned place on time.

Our baptism was held in the condominium unit of one of their members in broad daylight, which somehow amused me, because I was used to seeing frat rituals on TV and movies being done in the dark at night. I observed my batchmates; there were 7 of us, 3 freshmen and 4 sophomores. Allow me to enumerate each one of them:

1. Evan (#1) - the batch leader. He's short, chinito, charming, and a very cute freshie. He looks very totoy that you would like to cuddle in bed. I knew his personality is weak when I first saw him, but I didn't mind it much.
2. Samuel (#2) - another freshie. He's tall, dark, and a handsome twink. He's very charismatic. He was a basketball player in our varsity team. Good thing twinks are not my type.
3. Melo (#3) - the last freshie. He's also tall and dark, but only has an average face with a chubby build. He has a cheerful and a kenkoy attitude, like a class clown.
4. Josh (#4) - my first friend in college. He used to copy from me during quizzes and exams; he's very skillful in cheating. We got separated in 2nd year; I was assigned to section 1, he was in section 2. He's adorably chubby, mestizo, has kastila eyes, and he's an emo-type of guy. He's definitely my type, except for the emo-rocker thing.
5. Faye (#6)- a cute and bespectacled Chinese-looking girl. Even her surname sounds Chinese. She's a very industrious student; she was in one of the upper sections.
6. Mia (#7) - the girl beside Josh. She's very pretty and a fellow Dean's lister. What I like most about her is her strong will.

After we were introduced to each other, the baptism ritual started. We were instructed to kneel and they put blindfolds on us. They began talking about the history of the organization, the visions, the missions, and other things. After the long speech, they smeared something wet on my forehead, while they continue saying some more info. They did the same to other 6; we were assigned to a number and we were each given a pledge name. I was the fifth to be baptized, so I am number 5, and my pledge name starts with an O.

Afterwards, they instructed us to remove our blindfolds and to stand up. They informed us about the following rules we must strictly abide now that we were official pledges of the organization:

• We must address the members as 'Lord' for the males and 'Lady' for the females.
• We are not allowed to look straight in the eyes of our Lords and Ladies.
• We are not allowed to position ourselves higher than them. So if they are standing up, we should be standing lower, like bowing our heads down or kneeling on the floor.
• When walking, we should always let them move ahead of us.
• Each of us will be given a small notebook covered in royal blue artpaper they call a 'binder'. We are going to write notes in there that should all be memorized, word by word. We should protect our binders at all cost, treat it like it's our own life. There would be mean Lords and Ladies who will attempt to damage it, so we must not take our eyes off it when it's not in our possession. Once it's destroyed beyond repair, we cannot continue our pledgeship any longer. We will be terminated, in other words.
• We should always live by and practice the principles and notes written in our binders.
• When we are asked to report, we should be dressed in a plain white shirt, blue maong pants, white underwear, white socks, and white shoes. Our handkerchiefs should be white. We are also not allowed to wear belts; our belts should be fashioned from a long strand of royal blue yarn. Yes, they were checking every time.
• When reciting our memorized notes, we should speak in unison and it must be without mistakes. Otherwise, punishment will be given for all of us.
• We should always keep in mind the rules 'One Batch, One Body' and 'Batch Love'. Some examples are: my batchmate's hand is my hand too, my pain is also his pain, his mistake is my mistake as well, and so on. This means that we should always be protective of our batchmates. We should be vigilant to make sure no harm will befall them. Letting them get hurt is tantamount to hurting ourselves. We should also encourage them whenever they feel down or if ever they have the desire to quit.
• We should never disobey our lords and ladies, except when the task given is dangerous and can inflict pain to ourselves or to another.
• We should trust our lives to our Master Initiator (or M.I.). He is the one who directly supervise us. If a Lord or a Lady is asking us to do something that sounds like a violation, we should instantly go to him. Our safety is his responsibility; if ever we got injured for even once, it means he failed his job.

They told us that they won't be implementing hazing rituals in our initiation. They will strictly use exhausting exercises and tasks alone to teach and punish us. They also warned us not to get too at ease, because even though they won't directly hurt us, they have other creative ways to make us suffer. And since there would be no hazing, the duration of our pledgeship will depend on our performance. It might take months before we could pass, the least would be 3 weeks, but the chances of that were slim.

Sounds complicated and difficult, right? However, in my case, I thought differently. I was not scared, but rather thrilled. CAT was scrapped when I became a high school junior, so I have no prior experience in military training and exercises. Our M.I. told us that pledgeship is just like repeating CAT, only much more difficult. Hearing this made my blood boil in excitement. Seriously.

So our official pledgeship has finally started, and listed below are some the things that occurred:

• They would often order us to do tons of squats, push-ups, pumpings, handstands, and other difficult and strenuous exercises, all while reciting the supposedly memorized principles and notes.
• Every time we commit mistakes, they would give us punishments such as:
• more of the above exercises
• eating one whole red sili (I hate this one so much!)
• slapping ourselves
• and other humiliating tasks
• On the second week, Samuel (#2) quit. Our M.I. gave us some serious punishment for not stopping him.
• We had our reporting once at the seaside behind SM Mall of Asia. While we were hanging out on the long stone wall, our M.I. gave us a candy. Our task was to transfer the candy from Evan to Mia (by number) using only our mouths. Yes, all of us had a taste of the said treat. I hope no one saw that.
• One morning, they told us to buy 12 cups of rice, 1 Skyflakes crackers, 1 tbsp. of bagoong, 2 pcs. of galunggong, 1 can of corned beef, 1 tbsp. of banana ketchup, and a bottle of Coke. Then, they said we mist mix all of it, including the Coke, in a big bowl. Afterwards, it served as our lunch for that day; all of it should be consumed or we will be punished. They called this the 'Boodle Fight'. God, I swear I never tasted anything more awful in my life. Even though the food was clean, it was still very disgusting. *brrr*
• One night, during a reporting, our Lords and Ladies told us to recite. The punishment this time was that for every mistake we do, we will remove one article of clothing. Evan and Josh were absent at that time (Damn, those lucky bastards!). Of course, the girls were separated from us. They were taken inside a room with the Ladies, while Melo and I were at the living room together with the Lords. After several errors, we were both naked, our hands covering our shy dicks. Since we couldn't remove anything anymore after another mistake, the Lords ordered us to dance on top of a chair. Fortunately, the lights were off and the room was dark, so it wasn't that humiliating.
• One afternoon, we were all blindfolded and they gave us a glass full of Coke. We were asked to take a mouthful of it, but we weren't allowed to swallow the drink. We were supposed swish it inside like a mouthwash. Then, we spat it all out back in the glass. What happened next was very horrible. We were told this time to drink (and to swallow) another mouthful of the mixture of our salivas and Coke. I had no choice but to obliged. Deep inside, I would like to throw that glass out of the window and cringe until my disgust is gone. Ugh.
• Sometimes, they would order us to kiss (not French and no tongue, just a smack or a peck) another batchmate for a certain number of seconds. Boy to boy and girl to girl only though, never boys to girls. I only had the chance to kiss Melo and Josh. Samuel was already gone before they began telling us to do this, and Evan was always absent. Damn!
• During one reporting, they tasked us to clean the whole condominium unit of one of the Lords. I was assigned to the bathroom. Luckily, I did the task thoroughly, because one of the Ladies ordered me to wash my face thrice using the water from the toilet bowl to see if I am really confident that I did a good job. This is something I will never forget. Ever. God.
• Sometimes, we would have visitors, Lords and Ladies from another chapter (school). And they were much more fiercer, so our own Lords and Ladies were on full alert looking after us.
• Evan quit a week before our finals. Apparently, he couldn't take the pressure of being a batch leader anymore. You see, like the M.I., a batch leader is the next one responsible for all of his batchmates. It is a pretty difficult job, and I'm glad I didn't become one. Since Evan and Samuel were already quitters, only 5 of us were left, with Melo being the new leader. And since we weren't able to stop Evan from quitting, we were gravely punished again. *sigh*

It took us 6 weeks to finish the pledgeship program. The initiation at the end were so difficult, brain-racking, and so exhausting that I almost cried when it was finally over. I was extremely happy because it means our suffering was over. We are now officially Lords and Ladies too. I also found new lifelong friends; the 5 of us had gotten much closer after all the hardships we endured. And we were grateful of our M.I., because he took care of us; he followed his word that we won't be harmed as long as we are under his responsibility, and as long as we won't do anything that will embarrass him. Afterwards, our new brothers and sisters told us a rather disappointing news. Even though we passed the pledgeship, we were still half-members.

Half-members are those who have succeeded passing the pledgeship sans the hazing. They are already members nonetheless, but they don't have all the benefits of being a full-pledged member, like being able to hold a position, attending certain events, registering for the organization's ID, and many more. Apparently, if we want to become a full-pledged member, we still have to undergo another initiation rites, but this time it will be shorter and they will already use hazing. Half-members are not forced or required to do this though. We may choose to stay like this forever, but that would make you look like a coward, because it means that the pain frightens you.

After we passed, our chapter now contained 11 members, but the only full-pledged member was the one on the highest position, the Chapter President (or C.P., which was also our former M.I.). So this means that my former Lords and Ladies will be our batchmates if we decided to pursue the full-pledged membership. I found it funny though. Our Lords and Ladies before, who made us suffer, will eventually suffer too, beside us one of these days.

After much preparation, and much convincing of my batchmates, the ten of us (5 from our batch plus 5 from the higher batches) took the pledgeship again on November of the same year. I was scared and excited at the same time. Scared because I might die from the injuries, and excited because it will be another new experience. Our M.I. was still our C.P., but our Lords and Ladies this time were from our mother chapter (another school), the one who supervised the initiation of our C.P.

The second initiation rites was much more terrible. It lasted a whole week, with the formal ritual as the ending. Quitting was not an option, because it was a very humiliating thing to do. Quit and you will lose all the respect you had earned. Since they did to us the same things before, we were already used to the difficulties. However, there were additional things that made it much harder:

• We were tasked to make a video that will be shown in our final night. It should be funny and entertaining. So we decided to make a music video, ala Taylor Swift. Our venue? SM Mall of Asia. The boys wore dresses and the girls wore men's clothing. I was wearing a pink spaghetti strap, a black short skirt, and a pair of pink slipper. That was the first time, and I hope also the last, that I donned women's clothes! We shot the music video in the middle of the seaside area. All the passersby were looking at us, some even stopped to watch. Fortunately, we were able to finish shooting when a security guard approached us to put a stop in what we were doing. They said we were already making a scandal. Until now, I still can't make myself believe that I had the capacity to do such a thing.
• Since hazing was used as a form of punishment, the following were rules:
• They were allowed to slap us.
• Closed fists were not allowed, so they can't punch us.
• Kicking was limited to their knees giving our thighs a good whack (tinutuhuran ang tagiliran ng binti). This was the most painful of all. You may try this if you want.
• There was another painful thing they often did to us. While we were being asked to recite, using one knuckle, they would twist it in the middle of our chest in a screwing motion. The extreme pain causes us to stop reciting, but they wouldn't stop unless we finish what we are tasked to do, so we were always forced to endure the pain and carry on. This was the most difficult thing for me, because I really couldn't stand the pain. This can definitely give you a bad bruise that will last for weeks.
• The dreaded 'Eagle Spread'. One of us will be told to kneel down, arms stretched wide open, and the face looking slightly upwards, then for a certain number of seconds, they can do a number of arm-choppings, face-slappings, and thigh-stompings. If you can't picture this in your mind, good for you. It means you are not a violent person.
• The well-known paddle. It was at least 1 meter long, 1 inch thick, and made of durable wood. Honestly, this made me cry during the initiation rites. Not in front of the Lords and Ladies, of course. It was a big no-no for us to show weakness. I cried not because of the extreme pain, but because of the emotional stress that the situation had given me. Fortunately, my batchmates understood and just consoled me in silence.
• During the initiation night, one Lord kicked me forcefully in the chest, which made me fly across the room while gasping for air. I committed one tiny mistake and that was how he punished me. That bastard.

After an evening of hellish nightmare, all of us were able to survive the awful predicament. Horribly looking, slightly limping and badly bruised, we were able to welcome the rising sun with a smile. We are now finally full-pledged members. I felt a sudden increase in self-confidence. I am so proud of myself because I overcame it all, that I persevered, and that I didn't quit. I was able to prove to myself that I can do anything, as long as I desire it. It was an uplifting weekend.

I thought, after all that transpired, things will soon be better. However, when I got home, I faced someone much more terrifying than all the Lords and Ladies combined.

To be continued...

J ~ Jailbreak

Ever since I was a kid, I am already aware that I prefer men more than women. The image of a muscular body entices my senses much greater than the feminine physique. However, I have yet to acknowledge it during my pre-teen years, thinking that I was just undergoing a phase, and that someday, I would still lead the life of a straight guy. I was nearing young adulthood when I had an epiphany. I should stop categorizing myself as a bisexual, and I should begin to accept that I am gay. I realized I would never get turned on by pechays; a juicy cock is what I only desire. However, after my realization, I had some thoughts, or rather a couple of questions for myself. Now that I know I'm 100% gay, who should I talk to? Who would understand and accept the real me? When should I do it?

Who to run first but to your friends, right? Though in my case, I came out first to my cousins. Of course I chose the ones I'm closest to, those who would surely not make a big deal out of it. I revealed it to 4 of my cousins, 1 girl and 3 boys (including Jude), one night on 2008, while we were having shots of brandy. Their reactions? Nothing violent. They didn't mind much. Afterwards, I've gotten much more relaxed in their presence, and I've gotten much closer to them, especially the girl, whom I share my relationship problems nowadays.

Next were the 2 people who I consider my best friends. I've known them since high school. I remember feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiety with the idea of them finding out my true rainbow colors. First is Lanie, a very tall and intelligent woman with a big body frame. In spite of her pretty face, she's having a hard time finding true love. I don't know why, but I'm sure there's nothing wrong with her. She learned the truth from me on 2009, before my revelation to Mary Jane. Her reaction? She knew it all along; she just needed a confirmation. She advised me to come clean to MJ, since it would be very unfair to her. Well, you know what happened. Second is Rey, a short, skinny, and slightly vain guy. We were having a drink when I came out to him on 2011, during the time I already have my sixth boyfriend. His reaction? Nothing much. He was sporting a poker face while I was telling him I'm gay and that I currently have a partner. I know he understood it; he just needed some time to process what he heard. After a year, he came out too, much to my slight surprise, so I also gave him the best poker face I can show.

The last person I came out to was my mom. Also on 2011, one day while having lunch, I told her all about it. Her response? She was a bit shocked, though she was expecting it. She asked me things regarding my future plans, like if I will still build my own family and if I am just undergoing a phase were among other things. I felt she's somehow disappointed. She also asked me if I would also tell it to my father. I said not that soon. I will talk to him once I am ready, and once all my 3 younger siblings had grown up, because I know that once my father finally discovered, my siblings and all of my relatives will learn of it as well. She agreed and told me that even though I am like this, she still loves me no matter what. I gave her the biggest smile and the warmest hug I could give.

2 years have passed, and things are going well. Most of my relatives in my maternal side, the ones who are open-minded, already know of my homosexuality, and they don't mind, while my paternal side, the conservative ones, still don't have an inkling (though I think my grandfather knows, but that's another story).

My father already asked me 4 times, starting last year, if I am gay. Of course, I always said no, like a government official perpetually denying their corrupt ways. But he would still insist, so my mom often butts in to my rescue, telling him to leave me alone. Then he would give me a look that says, "Di pa tayo tapos ha." And I would just laugh and flash him my toothiest smile.

I can also feel that my 3 younger brothers already know. But they still love and respect me; nothing has changed with the way they treat and look at me. They are still warm and brotherly. So I guess I wouldn't have a problem with them later on.

Lanie recently became single again, her last relationship didn't work out. She's now my fag hag. Rey, on the other hand, is happy and contented in his 3 year relationship with someone he met way back in college. He will soon open a printing shop with his boyfriend as his business partner.

Lastly, my mom doesn't fail to regularly remind me to keep things safe. She's aware of the diseases one can get when engaging in homosexual activities. I would just brush her off by assuring her that I am a decent, and to stop worrying about me because I know what's good from what's bad. Still, she wouldn't stop, which always bring a smile to my face. Well, I like being pampered.

But, and that's a pretty big 'but', even if I completely come out to all the important people in my life, I will still be straight-acting. You see, I am not comfortable of being an effem, though I enjoy their company. I have a strong belief that when someone comes out, there is a tendency that he might advance further to the path of effeminancy. Fortunately for me, being manly is the natural movement of my body; I don't need to exert effort. Even at work, where most closeted gays show their real selves, I am discreet. I never came out to a colleague. I believe that it was unnecessary, since I am not there to find life-long friends but only to do my job.

Coming out can make others cringe in their seats, they can't imagine their real selves exposed to the scrutiny of the people they know. Others desire it, having dreams of themselves in a situation where all the people they care about has finally accepted them; they long for the idea that they can move freely sans the discrimination. Nonetheless, one should only came out when he is finally ready. He shouldn't be forced or pressured if the time is not right for him. Otherwise, there are people who might get hurt in the process.

Most of us will eventually have a coming out story, and some already have one, while others don't even need one. Others would just need to confirm what their loved ones already know but afraid to ask, while the revelation of some would be a huge shock for their significant others. Nonetheless, there is one thing an individual can benefit from coming out: the long-awaited escape from the closet, or the homosexual jail, where we are pressured to hide in by the society's norms and discrimination.

Letter Break 2 ~ Giordano At The Apartment

My first anniversary with Mary Jane was weeks away when I received a text message from Gio. It was the first time I heard from him since our break up a year ago.

"Hey, it's been a long time. How are you now?" he asked.

It took several minutes before I answered, thinking hard if replying would be a foolish thing to do.

"I'm good. How about you?" I said, while in my mind I asked myself, "Ano naman kaya gusto nito?"

His reply was quick. He wanted to meet me, to catch up on things. My answer was instinctive, my fingers typed the words automatically.

"I'm sorry but I'm very busy. Nag-start na ang practicum namin and puro na kami hospital duties nowadays," I told him rather bitterly.

"Ah is that so? Saang hospital ka ba naka-assign?" he said.

"Sa Mandaluyong City Medical Center," I replied.

"Oh. Malapit lang ako dun! I am now residing here in Mandaluyong. Malapit kasi dito ang work ko. One jeepney away lang ang hospital na yan mula dito sa apartment ko. Mga 3 minutes commute. Ilang araw ba duty mo don? Gusto mo dito na matulog para malapit ka lang?" he offered.

I was slightly taken aback. How could he propose something like that when there's ill history between us? But I was still considering his offer since it would lessen the difficulty of my long commute. I would be coming from the province way down south, and it would be a big pain in the ass to travel back and forth for 3 hours each. I could use the extra time for resting instead of using it in transit.

However, I was having second thoughts because I felt that it would be extremely awkward to see him again, so I answered, "3 days per week, for 2 weeks. Pero I'll think about it first, ok?"

"Sure Sepsep. Just tell me once you've decided," his last text message said.

After a few days, I accepted his offer. He seemed warm and happy, I kept myself unattached and civil. I instructed myself that nothing other than a clean stay over should happen.

On the first night, he fetched me at the Boni station of the MRT. When I saw him, I knew that he's still the same Gio that I abandoned outside a church a year before. Nothing changed. After greeting each other rather formally, we proceeded to his place.

The neighborhood where his place was situated is kinda busy and lively; shops lined the roadside, kids playing outside, street vendors passed by from time to time, and women exchanges gossips in one corner. The apartment he was living in is cheap; it's a very small studio-type apartment with one window, similar to the hut where we stayed when we had our first out of town trip. The only things inside his room were his sofabed, a small TV, a small dresser, an electric fan, and a shoe rack. I put my bag in the only space left on the floor; the room was so cramped. The CR was communal and it was located at the rooftop of the building.

We talked while having dinner. He said that he's now a call center agent; he doesn't need to pursue his plans of working abroad anymore, since working in the BPO industry here is already a good opportunity. I told him that I am currenty very serious in my studies, since I have to maintain my status as a dean's lister. He congratulated me and asked how is my love life. I told him that MJ and I are back together again and that our first anniversary is near. Then I returned the question, and he said that he's been single ever since we broke up. This surprised me for a bit. Knowing his personality, doubt entered my mind, and it was hard for me to believe him. But I sensed some sincerity in his voice, I saw longing in his eyes, and I noticed joy in his every smile. So I probed further.

"How about you and Aldrin?" I asked.

"Naalala mo pa pala yun? Tinigilan ko na siya, di ko na siya kinausap after mo mawala. Sa totoo lang, wala naman talaga akong balak sa kanya. Nung iwan mo ako, hindi na ako naghanap ulit Sepsep. Na-realize ko kung ano ang nawala sa akin. May mga makilala man ako, pero hindi nila ako minahal gaya nung pagmamahal mo, gaya ng pinakita mo sa akin noon, kaya hindi ko na tinutuloy. Ikaw na ang pinakamasarap na naging karelasyon ko. Pinaramdam mo sa akin noon na meron pa din palang may kayang magmahal sa akin ng lubos, iba kesa dun sa nararanasan nila Ryan," he said.

I wasn't sure what would be my response to that, so I kept quiet. He noticed this. We finished the rest of our dinner in silence. I told him I would take a bath before going to sleep. He said he's going straight to bed.

After I freshened up, I went back into his room. He was already sleeping, facing the wall. I turned off the lights and then lay down beside him, facing away. It took me several minutes before I fell into a deep slumber.

I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling humid. I turned and saw Gio also awake, staring at me. I stared back. After several seconds, he moved his face towards mine. Suddenly, we were kissing, then our bodies locked into a warm embrace. He's still a good kisser. My hands caressed his hair while his tongue burrowed deep into my mouth. He went down, licking my neck down to my nipples. I moaned softly, arching my back in rhythm. Then, he lowered my shorts and began sucking my angered cock, making me moan louder. I noticed he's having a hard time blowing me; maybe he lacked practice after I was gone. After a couple of minutes, I suddenly hold his head using my both hands, forcing him to stop.

"Bakit?" he asked, looking puzzled.

"I can't do this. Unfair kay MJ. Ayaw kong mag-cheat," I said, not looking at him.

He understood, so he sat up straight beside me. He said, "Sepsep pwede mo pa ba akong bigyan ng isa pang chance? This time, I'll make it right. Mahal pa rin kita. Ikaw lang nagmahal sa akin ng sobra, at ang bobo ko dati kasi hindi ko nakita iyon. Patawarin mo ko kung nag-suffer ka man noon. Sana mapagbigyan mo ko, please?" he pleaded.

I remained staring at the ceiling for at least a minute, deep in thought. Then I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry Gio. Pero iniwan ko na si MJ once, for you. At nadala na ako. I don't want to hurt her again, para lang sayo. Hindi worth it."

He looked hurt. After a short silence, he started crying. He lay down, facing the wall again. I decided not to comfort him, because it might just worsen his sorrow. So I shut my eyes and went to sleep.

The next day, before I leave, I told him, "Gio, pagbalik ko mamaya, uuwi na ako sa bahay namin. Magco-commute na lang ako araw-araw hanggang matapos ang duty ko doon sa hospital na yon."

He just nodded, avoiding my eyes.

When I returned, I immediately packed my things, then he accompanied me up to the MRT station. We were quiet all the time; we bade goodbye to each other without saying a word.

And from then on, I never saw him again.

I ~ Itchy, Dirty, Kinky

Me: hi!

???: nasl pls?

Me: george 17 m ******. U?

???: leo 24 m makati

Me: hi leo, you doing this often?

???: yeah. cam?

Me: here

Our webcams were turned on.

???: mic?

Me: sorry i dont hav 1. ok lang?

???: no worries dis wil do. u r cute.

Me: tnx. u r too... and hot as well

???: show me ur dick now. kanina pa ko libog

Me: here

???: oooh thats hot! juicy and young. pls stroke it 4 me

Me: wers urs? lets stroke togedr

???: see it? sure. u hav oil? put some para shiny like mine

Me: ok w8

Me: dis fine?

???: u r so hot. ahhhhhhh i wanna suck dat dry

Me: yeaaaah pls do. ur so gooood

???: i wanna stick dat in my ass. ohhhh

Me: yeah dat wud be great. show me ur ass.

Me: oh yeaaah. open dat wide, spread ur cheeks. i wanna lick dat 1st ohhh

???: ahhhhh ur good. now fuck me, whyl i stroke

Me: ahhh i wanna hear u moan

???: ahhhhhhh ohhhhhhhh

Me: ahhhhhh im close!!!

???: yeaaaaah dump it insyd me!!! i want ol ur cum!

Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hir i cum!

???: yeaaah seed me! ahhhhh dats hot

???: ohhh my dats a lot!

Me: yeah ur so hot, it even reached my face and neck. see?

???: wow u r a gud shooter huh. my turn now. kip on stroking, use ur cum pampadulas

Me: u lyk dis? Ohh yeahhhh

Me: ahhhhhhh yeah i wanna feel ur cum in my body

Me: yeaaaaaaah ooohhh

???: im close!

Me: yeaaaah keep on stroking dat juicy dick of urs!

Me: yeaaaaaaaah oohh yeaaaaah dats it

Me: wow great yeah?

???: whew hot!!! so exhausted. dami kong nilabas

Me: tnx, nxt tym ulit

???: tnx dn, bye

I've found the above conversation circa 2007 when I searched for it in my YM archives yesterday. And I saw that I have loads more. Some were very long, with different scenarios and climaxes, and others were short, with premature ends; most were with fellow Filipinos, and some were with foreigners. Reading them now makes me reminisce the times I enjoyed having sex via the cyberspace.

Because of my straight relationship with Mary Jane, my gay hormones were kept at bay. I had no other means to satisfy my carnal desires, so I tried finding a way. What I discovered was something I got instantly hooked into: cybersex. It was like a whole new world full of perverts hungry for some internet action. I prowled around from one chat room to another, searching for a temporary buddy with whom I could share a moment of webcam pleasure. It usually gave my ego a boost; despite my imperfections, there's always someone out there who's lusting for a glimpse of my hidden treasures.

Every night, when my parents and siblings are already asleep, I sneak downstairs in front of the computer, turn it on, and begin submitting myself into the raging homosexual instincts that are swelling up inside me. I stroke my angry cock for everyone who wants to watch. Usually, the deed is 1-on-1; sometimes, I perform in front of several individuals simultaneously. Jerking my cock in front of a stranger always gave me a very titillating sensation. Anonymity adds to the excitement, making me sweat much more profusely, causing me to masturbate at a faster speed. Then, upon achieving climax, the peak of my lust, a simple 'Thanks' is enough to end the swift affair.

I remember one time when I had a short-lived relationship with someone I met in one of YM's chat rooms. He was currently an exchange student in UK from Bangladesh. He's 27 years old with a smooth complexion and a bald head. He has a bubble butt and a chubby body structure. There are 2 things that I loved most about him: his very cute smile (he has deep dimples, you see), and the fact that he's a power bottom. I was often excited to talk to him every night, impatiently waiting for everyone to go to their beds, so that I could finally have some private time with him. For hours, we talked about each other. He shared that he only achieves sexual satisfaction by being fucked; he's used to Europeans entering and seeding him all night long. He is an expert of hard dicks longer than 6 inches. He rides each one with great enjoyment, the feeling of a thick uncut cock sliding in and out of his hungry ass gives him maximum ecstasy. His stories always made me very horny that our conversations often ended with him showing me his stretched hole while I watched and masturbated until I spread my cum all over my body.

We were so hot for each other that we also had romantic chats. He told me his plans to visit me here in the Philippines, and that someday he would bring me to London for the Olympics. We exchanged stories about our own friends and families. Our online relationship lasted for a week, before a small misunderstanding ended everything. It was a simple language barrier that we weren't able to fix. Oh well, I was only infatuated, so it's no big deal. Though in the course of our affair, I had been very faithful to him. I stayed away from chat rooms and other users; I only spent my time with him. Afterwards, I was back to my old ways, enjoying the diversity that the world wide web brings. *teehee*

I can't recall exactly when I stopped engaging in this kind of activity. I think it was when our computer broke. Our parents blamed us for breaking it, so once it was fixed, they put it in their room so that they could regulate its use. Too bad huh? I guess it was a good thing nonetheless; I was able to get away from the itchiest, dirtiest, and kinkiest deed I've done on the internet before it sucked me into an inescapable addiction.

H.2 ~ Hence I Am Wrong

Monday // July 10, 2006

Gabi na ako umuwi sa bahay kahapon kaya ngayon lang ako nakapagsulat. As usual, galing ako sa Area C, at siyempre puro gala at kwento pa din, courtesty of the baklitas. Though may something interesting kahapon.

Dahil sinisita na ang buhok ko sa school , I decided na magpagupit kay Maribel. So iniwan muna nila kami dun sa parlor. Habang ginugupitan, nagkakwentuhan kami, kinamusta ko ang lovelife niya. Palagi daw siyang ginagamit ng mga lalaki, malungkot nyang kwento. Sa dinami-dami ng nagustuhan ni Maribel, lahat daw iyon halos pinerahan lang siya. Wala pang sumeryoso sa kanya. Kahit nagiging boyfriend nya ang isang lalaki, parang nakikipag-relasyon lang daw siya sa callboy, kasi kada chupa nya, kelangan lagi siyang may naiaabot na pera. Kung hindi, away ang kasunod. At ang ending most likely ay iiwan siya. Nakarami-rami na din daw siya to the point na napagod na siya. Kaya ngayon, hindi na siya nakikipagrelasyon. Nagbabayad na lang siya para makasubo o makantot. Ang focus nya eh makapag-ipon mula sa pagtatrabaho sa parlor. 

Tinanong ko kung nasaan ang pamilya nya. Sabi nya lumayas daw siya sa kanila dati. Madalas kasi siya bugbugin ng tatay nya nung nalaman na bakla siya. Ang nanay nya ay hindi rin naman pinipigilan ang nangyayari. Ang mga nakababatang kapatid nya naman, hindi siya nirerespeto at ginagawa lang siyang katatawanan. Dagdag pa nya na ang talagang malas daw siya sa buhay, ni hindi nga siya nakapag-aral ng college. Buti na lang daw at napunta siya dito at nakahanap ng mga mabubuting kaibigan. Tinanong ko din siya if may balak ba siya bumalik sa kanila, at ang sagot nya ay wala pa daw sa ngayon. Masama pa din ang loob nya sa pamilya nya. Ginagawa nya muna lahat ng makakaya nya para iahon ang sarili nya.

Naputol na ang kwentuhan namin nung bumalik na sila Gio. Nginitian ko na lang si Maribel at sinabihan ng, "Bilib ako sayo."

Akala ko sa TV ko lang makikita yung ganon, yun pala ay nangyayari nga talaga sa buhay ng isang bakla, lalo na yung mga effeminate. Ang pinakamasakit doon ay yung hindi ka matanggap ng mga taong pinakamalapit sayo. Yung pakiramdam mo ay mag-isa ka na lang sa mundo na nagmamahal sa sarili mo. Kung walang seryosong lalaki o mapagmahal na pamilya sa buhay ni Maribel, paano na lang siya sa pagtanda nya? Sana'y hindi ko ito maranasan.

 xoxo Septot

***

Friday // July 21, 2006

Binisita namin ni Gio kanina si Pochi sa school na pinagtuturuan nya. Sakto pa nga kasi naka-uniform pa ako galing school. Tinext nya kasi kami na kung pwede ay kitain siya; may problema daw kasi. Hindi available sila Ryan, Maribel, at Berta kaya kami lang ni Gio ang pumunta.

Pagdating namin sa classroom niya, patapos na siyang maglinis; umuwi na lahat ng bata. Pagkakita nya sa amin, isang ngiti lang ang nagawa nya bago siya nagsimulang lumuha. Napansin kong may malaking pasa siya sa leeg at braso. Pinaupo nya muna kami bago nagsimulang magkwento.

Meron kasi siyang kalive-in for already 5 months na nakilala niya thru internet. Ang name ay Jerry. Night guard daw yun sa mall malapit doon. After ng mga 3 beses na pagkikita, tinanong siya kung payag ba siyang makitira si Jerry sa kanya. Mas mapapalapit kasi siya sa trabaho kapag doon siya kay Pochi tumira. Dahil mahal na ni Pochi ang lalaki, pumayag siya. Nung unang tatlong buwan, nag-aabot pa daw si Jerry ng pambayad sa gastusin ng bahay, pero pagkatapos non ay wala na daw. Sabi ni Jerry gipit daw kasi siya palagi; nagpapadala pa kasi siya sa pamilya nya. Naintindihan naman iyon ni Pochi. Nitong Lunes lang nya nalaman ang totoo. Dahil sa night shift si Jerry at sa araw naman ang pagtuturo ni Pochi, hindi na sila masyadong nagkakasama ng matagal sa bahay. Bumagyo earlier this week. At dahil doon, pinauwi ang mga students nya ng maaga dahil suspended na ang klase. Maging siya ay umuwi na din. Masaya siya nung umagang iyon kasi baka maabutan nya pang gising si Jerry. Pwede siyang tumabi sa nobyo at matulog na lang din buong maghapon. Pagdating nya sa bahay ay naka-lock na ang pinto, so inisip nya na baka mahimbing na si Jerry. So binuksan na lang nya ang pinto gamit ang sariling susi. Pagpasok ng kwarto, doon nakatambad sa kanyang harapan ang pinakamasakit na bagay sa buong buhay nya. May kasamang babae si Jerry at kapwa sila nagmamadaling magbihis. Gulat na gulat si Jerry nung makita siya. Doon na nagwala si Pochi. Sinabunutan daw niya yung babae at kinaladkad palabas ng pinto. Si Jerry tumakbo daw palabas din para habulin yung kalaguyo, si Pochi naiwan sa loob at umiiyak. Mga isang oras ang lumipas nung umuwi si Jerry, galit na galit sa kanya. Nagsisigawan na sila. Pinapalayas na ni Pochi si cheater nyang boyfriend, pero ayaw nito umalis. Sinuntok pa siya nito. Buti na lang at nakailag siya at bahagyang sa leeg lang tinamaan. Sa takot ni Pochi, tumakbo siya palabas. Humabol si Jerry at hinablot ang braso nya habang sinisigawan siya ng mga nakakainsultong salita. Sinipa ni Pochi sa bayag ang tarantado. Nagbanta din si Pochi na tatawag ng barangay tanod, kaya dumiretso si Pochi sa barangay hall. Nung bumalik siya sa bahay kasama ang 2 tanod matapos ang kalahating oras, wala na si Jerry pati ang lahat ng gamit nito. Tinangay pa nito ang dvd player, component, at cellphone nya. Dyaske.

So siyempre, ever comfort kami ni Gio sa kanya hanggang tumahan na siya. Tapos sabay kaming uwuwi sa bahay ni Ate Glaiza at doon na naghapunan. Pinilit na lang namin siyang patawanin all the time para makalimot siya kahit sa pagkakataon lang na iyon.

Grabe talaga. Sana pagkatapos ng dinanas ni Pochi, may maganda swerteng kapalit na dumating. Hanggang ngayon pinipilit nya pa ding mag-move on, kaya todo ang pagpapasaya sa kanya ng mga bakla. Ganoon ba talaga kapag baklang-bakla ang kilos? Mas prone kang masaktan at lokohin? Hindi ba nakakaramdam ng true love ang mga effeminates? Buti na lang at straight-acting ako, kaya hindi ako makakakuha ng ganoong mga klaseng lalake.

xoxo Septot

***

Sunday // July 23, 2006

Next, next Sunday, plano ni Gio na mag-organize ng gay beauty pageant sa Area C. Sabi ni Ryan, palagi daw iyon ginagawa ni Gio kapag umuuwi siya mula abroad. So ang dami naming pinuntahan at inasikaso. Although gastos ito ni Gio, naghanap pa din siya ng mga pwedeng mag-sponsor. Naghanap din siya ng mga available judges, kung sino mag-provide ng stage at music, at kung saan ang venue. Nagpagawa na din siya ng mga posters, pero sulat kamay lang nila Ryan. Ang alam ko ay may balak sumali si Berta. *hehe* This would be good. Excited na ko.

xoxo Septot

***

Monday // August 7, 2006

Nakakatuwa lang kung pano nag-unfold ang events kahapon. Nagbanta pa ang ulan kaya na-haggard si Gio. Madaming bakla ang sumali. Karamihan ay beterano, yung iba baguhan, gaya ni Berta. Iba't-ibang makukulay na gown at swimsuit ang inirampa nila sa stage. Si Gio na din ang nag-host at bakas sa mukha nya ang sobrang enjoyment. Marami ang taong nanood, mukhang sanay na sila sa ganoon. Parang every month naman ata kasi ay merong nagdadaos ng gay pageant doon sa lugar nila. Pinakamadami daw usually pagkatapos ng Miss Universe, halos gabi-gabi. Ang mga bakla, meron pang hang-over. *haha!*

Anyways, syempre una ang pakilala portion. At madami akong tawa dito! Una, ipapakilala nila ang sarili nila, tapos magsasabi sila ng isang quote o salawikain na favorite nila. At heto ang ilan sa naalala ko na nagpahalakhak sa akin ng malakas:

1. An apple a day makes seven apples a week.
2. Aanhin mo ang malapalasyong tahanan kung ikaw ay naninilbihan lamang.
3. Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
4. Ang babaeng hindi natitinag, malamang dating kundoktora.
5. Hindi ako kasing ganda ng nanay mo o kasing sexy ng ate mo, ako kasi ang tatay mo.

Funny, right? Anyways, magaganda ang mga gown ng mga contestants. At napahanga na naman ako sa swimwear portion; magagaling talaga sila magtago ng hotdog at itlog. Kahit anong silip ko ay wala akong maaninag. Sinilip talaga no? *hahaha* Curious lang. Eto pa, si Berta ay ang natatanging contestant na naka-T-back lang! What the hell?! Sabi ni Ryan naglagay daw yun ng packing tape para maidikit ang family jewels nya sa singit nya. Grabe ang galeng talaga. At kahit na maraming mas maganda, maputi, at makinis kaysa kay Berta, naging audience favorite siya dahil sa lakas nya ng loob.

Nung Q&A na, which is favorite portion ni Gio, dun na nagkaalaman. Yung iba sablay, yung iba sanay na. Nung turn na ni Berta, ang lakas ng palakpakan ng tao. Medyo kilala din kasi siya sa lugar na iyon. In fairness, nakasagot naman siya properly and with a very witty answer. Ibang klase talaga.

Sadly, hindi grand winner si Berta. Pero nag-uwi naman siya ng first prize. After ng pageant, much kwentuhan pa sa bahay ang mga bakla. Sharing ng kanya-kanyang mga pananaw about sa pageant. Tahimik lang ako sa gilid, nag-eenjoy sa mga hirit at kwento.

Mapapasali din kaya ako sa ganon balang-araw? Nah, malabo. Kasing labo ng mata ko. *haha*

xoxo Septot

***

Tuesday // September 12, 2006

Sorry kung hindi na kita madalas nasusulatan. Hindi na kasi maganda lately ang nangyayari sa amin ni Gio. Anyways, alam mo naman yun, most likely kasi sa iyo lang naman ako sumusulat. Ikaw lang naman ang nakakaalam ng lahat ng ito. Last week lang ako ulit nagkaroon ng chance na makabonding sila Ryan at ang Tres Marias. Nagchichismisan sila about dun sa umaaway kay Ryan na baklang taga-Area D. Inaagaw daw kasi ni Ryan yung jowa. Ang sabi naman ni Ryan, hindi na daw yun boyfriend nung bakla ngayon. Hindi lang daw maka-move on kaya feelingera pa din. Tinanong ko kung sino ba yun kaaway nya. Sabi si Francis daw. Medyo nagulat ako kasi sobrang close pa sila nung birthday ni Francis. Tapos ngayon ay nag-aaway sila dahil lang sa lalake? Sabi ni Berta madalas ganon daw talaga kababaw ang pagkakaibigan ng mga tulad namin. Kahit lalake pinag-aagawan, eh ang dami-dami naman daw titi diyan sa palagid. Maruming titi nga lang. Buti daw sila, hindi nag-aaway dahil sa mga ganung bagay.

Napaisip ako doon. Mukhang sanay na sila. Parang normal na lang na mangyari iyon eventually sa mga magkakaibigang bakla. For me kasi, I don't think na kaya kong awayin ang isang malapit na kaibigan para lang sa lalaki, maging pag-ibig man iyon o libog lang. Di ba napaka-shallow lang masira ang friendship dahil sa pagiging uhaw sa titi? Karamihan naman halos ng boylet dun sa lugar na yon ay bukod sa walang looks, mga dugyot pa at sunog sa araw. I really can't see the logic. Oh well, it doesn't concern me naman, so why bother? Besides, si Gio ang problema ko.

xoxo Septot

***

Friday // October 6, 2006

Sabi ko nga dun sa huling pagsusulat nung isang araw, wala na kami ni Gio for good. Pagkatapos noon, nag-internalize ako kung paano na ngayon. Naisip ko na hindi ko na ulit makikita sila Ryan at ang Tres Marias, pati na ang Area C. Nalungkot ako lalo. Napamahal na din sa akin yung mga baklang yun. At natutunan ko na din na tanggapin yung estado ng lugar nila; na kahit ganon ang Area C, meron pa din naman mga magandang bagay na pwede mo makita don. Na-realize ko din na swerte nga talaga ako sa buhay, di gaya ng karamihan ng nakatira doon. Nagagawa ko kumain at least 3 times a day, nakakainom ng malinis na tubig, may komportableng kama sa gabi, may kumpleto at maayos na pamilya, may magandang edukasyon, at iba pa.

Naisip ko din kung ano bang mga magandang bagay ang naidulot sakin ng relasyon namin ni Gio kahit na ganon ang kinahantungan namin. Madami akong natutunan at na-experience sa halos 6 months na iyon. Marami akong maling pananaw sa mga effeminates. Nung una aminado ako na masama ang impression ko sa kanila, pero natutunan ko na sa lahat ng klase ng bakla, sila ang may madalas na pinakamahirap na pinagdadaanan. Itinakwil ng pamilya, ikinakahiya ng kamag-anak, kinukutya sa kalye, pineperahan at niloloko ng kung sino-sinong lalake, tumatanda ng mag-isa, at marami pa. Kaya marami sigurong hirap lumabas sa closet dahil natatakot na mangyari sa kanila yung mga nabanggit ko. Pero bilib ako sa mga effeminates dahil sa kabila ng mga paghihirap, nagagawa pa rin nilang tumawa, magpatawa ng iba, rumampa, sumali sa mga pageants, at kung ano ano pa. Madami din akong kilalang ibang effems na successful sa career at buhay. Dahil dito lalong tumaas ang pagtingin ko sa kanila. Of course, meron pa ding mga effem na kasuka-suka ang ugali at mga ginagawa, pero all in all, hindi lahat ng bakla ay kayang maging matatag at proud sa sarili nila.

Hanggang sa muli.

xoxo Septot