Tumayo ako sa gilid ng kama, my hands were tightly clenched in a fist. Nakatitig lang ako sa halos hubad na katawan ni pinsan. Hindi ko kaya. Muli akong umupo sa tabi niya. Niyugyog ko ang kanyang braso.
"Oi, maligo ka na. Magsisimba ka di ba?" nanginginig na sabi ko.
Umungol siya. Maya-maya na lang daw, patulugin ko muna siya.
"Magsisimula na yung misa maya-maya. Kung a-attend ka, bumaba ka na. Kung hindi, lumipat ka na dun sa kwarto mo," pilit ko sa kanya.
Hindi siya agad bumangon. Mga ilang minuto pa ng pilitan ang nangyari bago siya umalis. Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto ng banyo habang papahiga ako. Di pa rin mawala sa isip ko itsura ni Jim. Sinapo ko ang sarili kong bukol—matigas na din pala ako, hindi ko pa namamalayan. Ipinasok ko ang kanang kamay ko sa loob, hinimas niya ang dapat himasin. Kailangan kong mapakalma ang galit kong alaga. Nagsisimula na siyang magtaas-baba ng bigla kong marinig na may tumatawag ng pangalan ko. Nagmumula sa ibaba.
"Kuya Sep, halika naman dito. Saglit lang," mahinang sigaw ni Jim.
Bumaba ako. Nakita ko siyang nakadungaw mula sa pinto ng banyo. Tinanong ko siya kung bakit.
"Sira ata itong heater ng shower. Kanina ko pa inaayos. Patignan naman o," pakiusap niya.
Pumasok ako. Wala nang saplot si pinsan. Shit. Hindi ko alam kung nahihilo ba ako nung oras na iyon dahil sa epekto ng alak o dahil sa euphoria na dala libog. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi sulyapan si Jim. Katamtaman ang tambok ng pwet niya. Makinis, batang-bata pa. Kumislot si junior nung naisip ko kung gaano pa kasikip ang butas niya. Packing sheet. Lumipat ang tingin ko sa titi niya. Mabulbol si Jim, hindi gaya ng mga kuya niya. Medyo may kaitiman ang katawan ng sandata niya, mukhang gamit na gamit ata, pero ang ulo, pink na pink. Iniisip ko kung gaano kaya kalaki iyon kung fully erect? Kebla siguro, tulog pa lang medyo mahaba na kaysa sa normal.
Pinilit kong ituon ang atensyon ko sa pinapaayos niya. Kalikot dito, pindot doon. Ang hirap palang mag-focus sa isang task kapag may lalaking nagsasabon sa tabi mo. Yung tipong isang luhod mo na lang, nandiyan na. Hinihiling ko na sana hindi agad maayos yung heater para makatambay pa ako ng mas matagal dun sa loob.
"Kanina ko pa yan ginaganyan eh. Ang lamig lamig tuloy. Ang sarap lang magpalabas," sabi niya.
Nabigla ako sa sinabi niya. Ano daw?! Nagpapahiwatig ba ito? Biglang nawala ang init na aking nararamdaman. In an instant, naging awkward ang sitwasyon. Hindi ako sumagot. Hindi maganda ang kutob ko. Tumawa na lang ako ng mahina,
"Ayaw talaga eh. Tiisin mo na lang ang lamig ng tubig," sabi ko na lang, sa kagustuhan ko nang lumabas.
Naalala kong hindi pa pala ako nagtu-toothbrush. Kaya iyon muna ang ginawa ko bago umakyat. Nagmuni-muni ako. Bakit pakiramdam ko nananadya si Jim? Did he just seduce me? A couple of years ago, na-chismis si Jim na namamakla kasama ang mga barkada niya. At ang alam ko, confirmed yun. Hindi ko lang sigurado kung para ba sa pera, basta ang alam ko, nagpapa-chupa siya sa bakla. Di kaya silahis to? Parang gumugusto eh.
Habang bumubuo ako ng hypothesis sa harap ng lababo, lumabas siya sa banyo. And once again, nagulat na naman ako. Wala siyang tapis. Hubo't-hubad siyang rumampa mula sa banyo hanggang sa sala. Muntik ko ng malunok yung bula ng toothpaste ko.
"O nandiyan ka pa pala kuya," sabi niya nung makita ako.
"Magtapis ka nga. Baka may biglang bumaba, gago," utos ko.
"Oks lang yan," sagot niya.
"Bilisan mong mgbihis at ako na ang magla-lock ng pinto pag-alis mo," paalala ko.
Umakyat na siya. Tinapos ko na rin ang quickie namin ng sipilyo ko at umupo sa sala. Nung bumaba si Jim, hindi pa rin siya nakabihis. At hindi pa rin siya nakatapis. Putanginang to, dito pa talaga magbibihis sa harap ko.
"Grabe ang lamig... Masarap talaga magpalabas ngayon," sambit ulit niya.
Hindi ko sure kung nakatingin ba siya sa akin. I just forced myself to ignore him. Hindi ako sumagot ng, "Eh di magpalabas ka," dahil baka kung ano pa ang mangyari. Ginawa kong busy ang sarili sa phone. Ayaw ko na ng ka-shit-an na ito; gusto ko na lang magpahinga.
After what seemed like an eternity ng pagbibihis ni Jim, natapos din siya at tuluyan ng umalis. Ni-lock ko ang pinto at umakyat. Humiga sa kama. Nag-internalize ulit.
Sabi na eh. Malakas talaga ang kutob ko na gumugusto si Jim. Di ako nagkakamali. Putangina niya. Buti na lang at hindi ko hilig ang mangmolestiya. Weird man, pero
gusto ko ay ako ang pinagsasamantalahan. Iyon ang nakasanayan ko mula
pagkabata, sa kamay ni Uncle James. In fact, I realized na I should be offended sa nangyari. Alam kong may idea siya sa kasarian ko dahil napag-usapan na iyon a couple of times sa bahay; hindi lang ako nagko-confirm. If that's the case, then gusto nga niyang gapangin ko siya, na serbisyuhan at paligayahin ko siya. Gago ba siya? Hindi ako gamit.
I was annoyed, sad, and worried all at the same time. Annoyed and sad dahil ganon pala kababa ang tingin sa akin ng pinsan ko; isang tipikal na bakla na nanamantala sa walang laban. On the other hand, worried ako dahil mukhang kapag libog si Jim, may tendency na pumatol sa kapwa lalaki. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ang limit ng kaya niyang gawin pagdating sa M2M sex, pero nag-aalala ako sa kung anong maaaring mangyari sa kaniya.
However, I decided to let go of what happened. Sigurado man ako sa conclusion ko, ayaw kong balewalain ang slim possibility na paranoid lang ako. Basta kapag may inuman ulit, iiwasan ko na si Jim. Mahirap na. Mahina ang sikmura ko pagdating sa pederasty.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Gaano Kalakas Ang Kabog Ng Dibdib Ko?
Incredibly stressful, very debilitating, and extremely nerve-racking—to the highest of all levels.
Kung ipapa-summarize sa akin ang mga naramdaman ko nung isang gabi, iyang nasa itaas ang isasagot ko. Grabeng experience. Masakit sa ulo at sa dibdib, pati na rin sa puson.
Noong Saturday night kasi, my cousins and I decided na mag-inuman. Ang alak, Emperador Lights. Ang chaser, Red Horse Beer. Lakas lang makalalake, di ba? With matching gitara pa yan, featuring songs of Eraserheads and Parokya ni Edgar. Iyon ang trip nila eh, sinakyan ko na lang kahit na deep-inside, Tanduay Ice lang ang hanap ko.
Isa sa mga pinsan kong kasama sa inuman ay si Jimmy, ang youngest brother nila Jude and Kuya Matthew. This is something new dahil never ko pa nakasama sa ganitong tagpo itong si Jim. If ever may inuman kami, either hindi siya sumasali or wala siya sa bahay, though close naman kami kahit papaano; madalas ko siyang kabiruan at kakwentuhan pagdating sa porn at video games. Kasundo ko rin siya sa mga kalokohan at kagaguhan ko.
Si Jim ay 7 years younger than me. Kasalukuyang first year I.T. student, mas matangkad siya sa akin ng ilang inches. Katamtaman ang katawan niya, nasa proseso pa rin ata ng puberty. Gaya ng mga kuya niya, gwapo at makinis itong si Jim. Madalas lingunin ng mga may pechay at feeling may pechay. Baby face kasi at mukhang fresh kahit hindi pa naliligo. Uber ng tamad to, tanghali na kung gumising, at madalas tambay sa mga kanto at kalsada. Ilang beses na ako nito niyayaya na sumubok ng Marijuana, pero lagi akong busy kaya hindi natutupad. He's your typical bad boy with good looks. Maginoo pero bastos.
Oks naman ang takbo ng drinking session. Tawanan, kantahan, at bastusan, with matching a bit of drama every now and then. Matapos ang tatlong tig-iisang litro, lahat kami ay tinamaan na, kaya napagpasyahan naming tapusin na ito. Mga 3AM na din kasi iyon. Yung iba, umakyat na sa taas para matulog. Kami na lang ni Jim ang naiwan na lang sa baba.
"Bakit di ka pa matulog?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Magsisimbang-gabi kasi ako kuya..." mabagal na sagot niya.
"Lasing ka na. Magpahinga ka na kaya?" paalala ko.
"Sakto lang... Tulungan na kita magligpit..." sabi niya.
Pinaubaya ko na kay Jim ang mga natitirang ligpitin. Umakyat ako sa aking kwarto para kunin ang tuwalya at toiletries ko. Gusto kong maligo para matanggal ang lagkit at kadugyutan na nararamdaman ko, para presko pagtulog. Inaayos ko na ang akong gagamitin ng biglang pumasok si Jim.
"Kuya, maliligo rin ako pagtapos mo... Higa muna ako dito sa kama mo ah," request niya.
Tumungo ako at bumaba papunta sa banyo. Pagbalik ko, naabutan ko si Jim na nakatihaya sa kama ko, tulog na tulog. Wala na siya halos saplot; naka-boxer brief na lang. Nakakalat sa sahig ang mga damit niya. Napatitig ako at napalunok. Nakapasok ang dalawang kamay niya sa harapan ng kanyang underwear. Habang nagbibihis, pinipilit ko iiwas ang aking tingin, pero ayaw sumunod ng mga mata ko. Putragis naman o. Lumapit ako at tinabihan siya. Hindi gumagalaw ang mokong. Pumaling sa mukha niya ang titig ko, checking for signs ng pagtutulug-tulugan, pero wala, nahihimbing na nga talaga siya.
Bumalik ang paningin ko sa harapan ng underwear niya. Napansin kong gumagalaw pala ang kanyang mga kamay. Bahagya lang kasi kaya di ko napansin nung una. Hindi ko mawari kung may kinakamot ba siya or sadyang hinihimas lang niya ang titi niya. Bukod pa doon, nakalabas ang ulo nito! Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Kitang-kita ko ang pink na burat ng pinsan ko. Hindi ko masabi kung semi-erect na ba siya, pero iyon ang hula ko. Hindi ko rin sigurado kung imagination ko lang ba, pero parang makintab ang dulo nito; parang may kaunting precum na.
Puki ng nanay ng lahat ng tao sa mundo! Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng aking dibdib, halos nagha-hyperventilate na ako. Para akong tumakbo ng 10K. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, feeling ko mababaliw ako. Tuyo ang mga labi ko, pero naglalaway ako. Para akong isang gutom na gutom na palaboy na hinainan ng isang kilong juicy na hamon. Palipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa inosenteng mukha ni Jim at sa nakaka-demonyo niyang bukol. Motherfuckingshit. As in. Putanginang tae.
Hindi ko masabi kung dahil ba sa alak kaya nangyayari ang mga sandaling iyon. Lasing ako, oo, pero fully aware naman ako. Promise, never ko pa pinagnasaan si Jim. Peksman, mamatay man ako ngayon. Aminado akong malibog ako, pero hindi ako maniac na pedophile. Sinabi ko na before na ayaw ko sa mga mas bata sa akin; mas trip ko ang matured men. Di ko talaga mawari kung bakit grabe na lang ang init ko noon. Malamig naman ang simoy ng hangin. Kakaligo ko lamang pero pawis na pawis na ako ulit.
Marahan kong inilapit ang mukha ko sa ulo ng kanyang burat. Grabe na lang ang effort ko na hindi sumayad ang aking ilong. Inamoy ko ito. Isang malalim na inhale. Amoy pawis na mabango na ewan. Bumalik ako sa pagkakaupo. Tinignan ko ulit ang mukha niya. Hindi pa rin gumagalaw. Mukhang bagsak talaga. Inangat ko ang nanginginig kong kamay. Gusto niyang masapo ang ari ni pinsan. Di ko mapigilan, di ko ma-control; kusa ang unting-unting paglapit nito sa nakakaakit na bukol. Heto na... Heto na... Pu—tang—i—na...
To be continued...
Kung ipapa-summarize sa akin ang mga naramdaman ko nung isang gabi, iyang nasa itaas ang isasagot ko. Grabeng experience. Masakit sa ulo at sa dibdib, pati na rin sa puson.
Noong Saturday night kasi, my cousins and I decided na mag-inuman. Ang alak, Emperador Lights. Ang chaser, Red Horse Beer. Lakas lang makalalake, di ba? With matching gitara pa yan, featuring songs of Eraserheads and Parokya ni Edgar. Iyon ang trip nila eh, sinakyan ko na lang kahit na deep-inside, Tanduay Ice lang ang hanap ko.
Isa sa mga pinsan kong kasama sa inuman ay si Jimmy, ang youngest brother nila Jude and Kuya Matthew. This is something new dahil never ko pa nakasama sa ganitong tagpo itong si Jim. If ever may inuman kami, either hindi siya sumasali or wala siya sa bahay, though close naman kami kahit papaano; madalas ko siyang kabiruan at kakwentuhan pagdating sa porn at video games. Kasundo ko rin siya sa mga kalokohan at kagaguhan ko.
Si Jim ay 7 years younger than me. Kasalukuyang first year I.T. student, mas matangkad siya sa akin ng ilang inches. Katamtaman ang katawan niya, nasa proseso pa rin ata ng puberty. Gaya ng mga kuya niya, gwapo at makinis itong si Jim. Madalas lingunin ng mga may pechay at feeling may pechay. Baby face kasi at mukhang fresh kahit hindi pa naliligo. Uber ng tamad to, tanghali na kung gumising, at madalas tambay sa mga kanto at kalsada. Ilang beses na ako nito niyayaya na sumubok ng Marijuana, pero lagi akong busy kaya hindi natutupad. He's your typical bad boy with good looks. Maginoo pero bastos.
Oks naman ang takbo ng drinking session. Tawanan, kantahan, at bastusan, with matching a bit of drama every now and then. Matapos ang tatlong tig-iisang litro, lahat kami ay tinamaan na, kaya napagpasyahan naming tapusin na ito. Mga 3AM na din kasi iyon. Yung iba, umakyat na sa taas para matulog. Kami na lang ni Jim ang naiwan na lang sa baba.
"Bakit di ka pa matulog?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Magsisimbang-gabi kasi ako kuya..." mabagal na sagot niya.
"Lasing ka na. Magpahinga ka na kaya?" paalala ko.
"Sakto lang... Tulungan na kita magligpit..." sabi niya.
Pinaubaya ko na kay Jim ang mga natitirang ligpitin. Umakyat ako sa aking kwarto para kunin ang tuwalya at toiletries ko. Gusto kong maligo para matanggal ang lagkit at kadugyutan na nararamdaman ko, para presko pagtulog. Inaayos ko na ang akong gagamitin ng biglang pumasok si Jim.
"Kuya, maliligo rin ako pagtapos mo... Higa muna ako dito sa kama mo ah," request niya.
Tumungo ako at bumaba papunta sa banyo. Pagbalik ko, naabutan ko si Jim na nakatihaya sa kama ko, tulog na tulog. Wala na siya halos saplot; naka-boxer brief na lang. Nakakalat sa sahig ang mga damit niya. Napatitig ako at napalunok. Nakapasok ang dalawang kamay niya sa harapan ng kanyang underwear. Habang nagbibihis, pinipilit ko iiwas ang aking tingin, pero ayaw sumunod ng mga mata ko. Putragis naman o. Lumapit ako at tinabihan siya. Hindi gumagalaw ang mokong. Pumaling sa mukha niya ang titig ko, checking for signs ng pagtutulug-tulugan, pero wala, nahihimbing na nga talaga siya.
Bumalik ang paningin ko sa harapan ng underwear niya. Napansin kong gumagalaw pala ang kanyang mga kamay. Bahagya lang kasi kaya di ko napansin nung una. Hindi ko mawari kung may kinakamot ba siya or sadyang hinihimas lang niya ang titi niya. Bukod pa doon, nakalabas ang ulo nito! Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Kitang-kita ko ang pink na burat ng pinsan ko. Hindi ko masabi kung semi-erect na ba siya, pero iyon ang hula ko. Hindi ko rin sigurado kung imagination ko lang ba, pero parang makintab ang dulo nito; parang may kaunting precum na.
Puki ng nanay ng lahat ng tao sa mundo! Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng aking dibdib, halos nagha-hyperventilate na ako. Para akong tumakbo ng 10K. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, feeling ko mababaliw ako. Tuyo ang mga labi ko, pero naglalaway ako. Para akong isang gutom na gutom na palaboy na hinainan ng isang kilong juicy na hamon. Palipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa inosenteng mukha ni Jim at sa nakaka-demonyo niyang bukol. Motherfuckingshit. As in. Putanginang tae.
Hindi ko masabi kung dahil ba sa alak kaya nangyayari ang mga sandaling iyon. Lasing ako, oo, pero fully aware naman ako. Promise, never ko pa pinagnasaan si Jim. Peksman, mamatay man ako ngayon. Aminado akong malibog ako, pero hindi ako maniac na pedophile. Sinabi ko na before na ayaw ko sa mga mas bata sa akin; mas trip ko ang matured men. Di ko talaga mawari kung bakit grabe na lang ang init ko noon. Malamig naman ang simoy ng hangin. Kakaligo ko lamang pero pawis na pawis na ako ulit.
Marahan kong inilapit ang mukha ko sa ulo ng kanyang burat. Grabe na lang ang effort ko na hindi sumayad ang aking ilong. Inamoy ko ito. Isang malalim na inhale. Amoy pawis na mabango na ewan. Bumalik ako sa pagkakaupo. Tinignan ko ulit ang mukha niya. Hindi pa rin gumagalaw. Mukhang bagsak talaga. Inangat ko ang nanginginig kong kamay. Gusto niyang masapo ang ari ni pinsan. Di ko mapigilan, di ko ma-control; kusa ang unting-unting paglapit nito sa nakakaakit na bukol. Heto na... Heto na... Pu—tang—i—na...
To be continued...
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Fraternal Love
For me, Christmas is about spending it with family, and this time, gusto kong magkwento ng something close to home (pun intended). We are six in the family: si Mama, si Papa, ako, at ang 3 younger brothers ko. Yes folks, si Mama lang ang girlalu. Siyempre hindi ako counted kasi wala naman akong pekpek. Technically, kung isasama si Papa, pwede na kaming bumuo ng isang basketball team. Pero tsaka na ang parents ko. For this entry, gusto ko namang makilala niyo ang mga kapatid ko.
Unahin ko na si Gavriel, yung sumunod sa akin. Unlike me, masipag siya sa gawaing bahay, at mas naaasahan siya nila Mama at Papa. Sabi nila, kaya daw payat si Yel ay dahil kilos ng kilos; hindi gaya ko na patabaing baboy. I am 5 years older than him, pero minsan, mas matanda pa siya sa akin kung mag-isip. Kapag kasi nakakaaway ko si Mama at naglalabas ako kay Yel ng sama ng loob, palagi niya akong sinasaway at pinagsasabihan. At dahil nahihiya naman ako sa kapatid ko, wala akong magawa kundi makinig. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit hindi natutuloy ang mga balak kong pagrerebelde. Baligtad, di ba?
Dalawa ang meron si Yel na wala ako: tangkad at maputing kutis. May mga nagsasabing mukha raw siyang Fil-Am, kahit wala ni isa sa magulang ko ang mukhang Amerikano. Hindi kami mapagkakamalang magkapatid dahil mukha akong Hapon; hindi ko pa nako-confirm hanggang ngayon kung sino sa amin ang ampon.
Next year, ga-graduate na siya mula sa pag-aaral ng Marine Transportation. Hindi ko sigurado kung bakit ito ang pinili niya. Marahil dahil sa malaki ang sahod na bigay nito. O baka idol niya lang si Popeye. Kaso, gaya ni Papa, kelangan niyang tiisin ang sakripisyo ng pagiging malayo sa pamilya. So simula late 2014, malamang makikita ko na lang siya tuwing uuwi siya galing ng barko. Iyon ay kung sa Pinas pa din ako nagtatrabaho. Hindi ko alam kung mami-miss ko ba siya. Siguro naman oo, kasi wala na akong matinong mauutusan sa bahay.
Kung ano ang ikinasipag ni Yel, iyon naman ang ikinatamad ng sumunod sa kanya. Kung tamad ako, mas saksakan itong si Geoffrey. As in. Siya ang salitang 'sloth', personified. Kahit awayin mo siya ng bonggang-bongga, hindi pa rin siya kikilos. Wag mo ng tangkain na utusan siya, kasi sasabihan ka lang niya ng, "Wag mo ng i-push, maaasar ka lang sa akin." Bwisit talaga. Isa pang kinaiinis ko ay kahit na natutulog siya nung oras na nagpamudmod si Lord ng kasipagan, maganda pa din ang katawan niya. Iniisip ko na lang na nasa puberty stage lang siya kaya ganun. Tataba rin siya balang araw dahil sa katamaran niya. *insert evil laugh here*
Gaya ni Richard Gomez, itong si Jop ay tall, dark, and handsome. Hindi man siya maputi like Yel, maraming nagsasabi na siya ang pinakagwapo sa aming apat. Ok fine. Matagal ko ng tanggap iyon, kasi totoo naman. Wag na lang sana nilang ipangalandakan pa. Inggit lang much... Si Jop rin ang pinaka-introvert sa amin. Madalas nasa isang sulok lang ng bahay. Kung wala siya sa harap ng laptop, malamang makikita mo siyang nakahiga sa kung saan at nakapako ang mga mata sa smartphone niya. Kapag lumalabas kami, kelangan pang pilitin para sumama. Kapag nanonood kami ng movie, palaging may ibang pinagkakaabalahan.
Graduating na rin itong si Jop next year. Balita ko ay Computer Programming ang balak niyang kunin sa college. Dati pumayag na siya sa Engineering, kaso naimpluwensyahan ata ng mga kaklase niyang gamer kaya nagbago ng isip. Techie kasi ito at mabarkada. Nitong school year, napapadalas ang alis niya kakasama sa tropa. Hindi na ako nagtatampo kasi malambing naman siya kahit papaano sa magulang namin. At minsan, nagpapalambing rin naman siya sa akin kahit papaano.
Hindi ko itinatago na sa tatlo kong kapatid, meron akong pinakapaborito. Sino pa ba kundi ang pinakabata, si Gerwyn. Agree ako dun sa sabi-sabi na usually ang pinakanagkakasundo ay ang panganay at ang bunso. Even though 1st year high school na itong si Winwin, madalas ko pa rin siyang niyayakap at pinupupog ng halik. Halos lagpas balikat ko pa rin kasi siya, kaya hindi mahirap baby-hin. Madalas ikinaiinis na niya ito, pero alam kong gusto rin naman niya kasi hinahayaan niya lang ako. Siguro titigil lang ako kapag nagkaroon na siya ng syota. Pero hangga't di pa nangyayari iyon, baby brother pa din ang tingin ko sa kaniya.
At dahil si Winwin ang peborit ko, siyempre spoiled ko iyan. Karamihan sa request niya, sinusunod ko hangga't kaya ko at ng bulsa ko. "Kuya, mag-uwi ka ng J.Co." "Kuya akin na lang yung cellphone mo kapag may bago ka na." "Kuya, bilhan mo ko ng bagong polo at sapatos." "Kuya, nood tayo ng sine." "Kuya, gusto ko ng PS3." "Kuya, gawin mo project ko." Kapag hindi natupad ang gusto, magsusungit na lang iyan hanggang sa susunod niya uling request. Natatawa na lang ako kasi ang cute niya magtampo, kahit minsan gusto ko ng umbagan.
Hindi ko sigurado kung kahinaan bang maituturing ito, pero si Winwin ay ang klase ng tao na madaling maimpluwensyahan. Iniisip ko kung dahil ba sa ipinanganak siya matapos dumaan ang bagong millenium. Noon, dahil sa pinsan namin, nahilig siya sa paglalaro ng basketball, kahit na obvious na kulang siya sa height. Kinakarir niya ang mga liga tuwing summer, kahit lagi naman siyang bench-warmer lang. Well, at least athletic siya, di gaya ko. Tapos, nakahiligan naman niya ang pagsusuot ng mala-gangster na mga damit. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang ginagaya niya, pero kung sino man iyon, gusto ko siyang ipaligpit. Nakaka-bwisit eh. For months, we had to tolerate his outfits. Oversized shirts, jejecap, long and baggy jersey shorts, chain necklace, etc. Minsan, sobra na lang ang pagpipigil ko na silaban ang aparador niya. Akala ko'y hindi na siya makaka-move on sa "jeje phase" na iyon, hanggang sa isang araw, natuklasan niya ang pagsasayaw. Isinali siya sa dancing competition sa school nila. Pagkatapos nilang manalo, palagi na siyang pumoporma na parang dancer. Oks na sa amin yun; mas acceptable kaysa mukhang jejemon. Sana lang, hindi niya makahiligan ang Chicser, kundi ewan ko na lang.
Ganyan man ang aking mga kapatid, meron akong isang bagay na pinagmamalaki ko: hindi nila nakasanayan ang pagmumura. Alam kong marami rin silang alam na bad words dahil madalas nilang naririnig ang mga ito mula sa akin, pero never ko sila naringgan na magsalita, kahit magalit man sila o magulat. Siguro ay dahil sa lumaki sila sa probinsya, in contrast sa mga pinsan namin na laking Maynila. Kung nagmumura man sila kapag kasama mga kaibigan nila, wala na sa akin, as long as hindi nila ginagawa sa bahay.
Confident and thankful din ako na walang bakla ni isa sa kanila. Na ako lang ang naging ganito. Sapat na ang isa sa pamilya namin. Mas prefer ko na magkaroon sila ng sarili nilang pamilya at magkaroon ng kanya-kanyang mga anak. Ayaw kong maranasan nila ang hirap ng buhay ng mga kagaya ko. Alam kong may idea na rin sila tungkol sa kasarian ko, hindi na ako masyadong nage-effort na itago pa. Though straight-acting pa din naman ako sa harap nila. Kilala din naman nila si Ace; I'm sure pansin na nila ang kakaibang closeness namin. Dahil bata pa sila, ayaw ko munang umamin sa kanila dahil ayaw kong mawalan sila ng respeto sa akin. Isa iyon sa mga kinakatakot ko. Isa pa, hindi rin naman sila nagtatanong. Sana if ever malaman man nila, walang magbabago. I'm being optimistic.
Mabuti ba akong kuya? Hindi ko alam. Siguro oo, marahil hindi, or baka so-so lang. Noong mga mas bata sila, madalas ko silang asarin at paiyakin, lalo na sila Yel at Jop. Hindi naman mawawala ang awayan sa magkakapatid eh, normal lang iyon. Ang mahalaga, at the end of the day, deep inside ay mahal at nirerespeto niyo pa rin ang isa't-isa. Na kahit anong gawin ng isa, handa kayong umintindi at magpatawad, lalo na ang mas nakatatanda. To rephrase what Maya Angelou said, an accident of birth doesn't make people instant brothers. It makes them siblings, yes, because of mutuality of parentage. Being brothers is a condition people have to work at. O di ba, ang taray, pero swak lang ang meaning. Basta ako, isa lang ang sigurado ako, iwan man silang tatlo ng lahat ng tao sa buhay nila, hinding-hindi ako mawawala sa tabi nila. Nandito ako, maaasahan nila hanggang nabubuhay ako. Period, no erase, padlock.
"There's no other love like the love for a brother.
There's no other love like the love from a brother."
~ Terri Guillemets
Unahin ko na si Gavriel, yung sumunod sa akin. Unlike me, masipag siya sa gawaing bahay, at mas naaasahan siya nila Mama at Papa. Sabi nila, kaya daw payat si Yel ay dahil kilos ng kilos; hindi gaya ko na patabaing baboy. I am 5 years older than him, pero minsan, mas matanda pa siya sa akin kung mag-isip. Kapag kasi nakakaaway ko si Mama at naglalabas ako kay Yel ng sama ng loob, palagi niya akong sinasaway at pinagsasabihan. At dahil nahihiya naman ako sa kapatid ko, wala akong magawa kundi makinig. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit hindi natutuloy ang mga balak kong pagrerebelde. Baligtad, di ba?
Dalawa ang meron si Yel na wala ako: tangkad at maputing kutis. May mga nagsasabing mukha raw siyang Fil-Am, kahit wala ni isa sa magulang ko ang mukhang Amerikano. Hindi kami mapagkakamalang magkapatid dahil mukha akong Hapon; hindi ko pa nako-confirm hanggang ngayon kung sino sa amin ang ampon.
Next year, ga-graduate na siya mula sa pag-aaral ng Marine Transportation. Hindi ko sigurado kung bakit ito ang pinili niya. Marahil dahil sa malaki ang sahod na bigay nito. O baka idol niya lang si Popeye. Kaso, gaya ni Papa, kelangan niyang tiisin ang sakripisyo ng pagiging malayo sa pamilya. So simula late 2014, malamang makikita ko na lang siya tuwing uuwi siya galing ng barko. Iyon ay kung sa Pinas pa din ako nagtatrabaho. Hindi ko alam kung mami-miss ko ba siya. Siguro naman oo, kasi wala na akong matinong mauutusan sa bahay.
Kung ano ang ikinasipag ni Yel, iyon naman ang ikinatamad ng sumunod sa kanya. Kung tamad ako, mas saksakan itong si Geoffrey. As in. Siya ang salitang 'sloth', personified. Kahit awayin mo siya ng bonggang-bongga, hindi pa rin siya kikilos. Wag mo ng tangkain na utusan siya, kasi sasabihan ka lang niya ng, "Wag mo ng i-push, maaasar ka lang sa akin." Bwisit talaga. Isa pang kinaiinis ko ay kahit na natutulog siya nung oras na nagpamudmod si Lord ng kasipagan, maganda pa din ang katawan niya. Iniisip ko na lang na nasa puberty stage lang siya kaya ganun. Tataba rin siya balang araw dahil sa katamaran niya. *insert evil laugh here*
Gaya ni Richard Gomez, itong si Jop ay tall, dark, and handsome. Hindi man siya maputi like Yel, maraming nagsasabi na siya ang pinakagwapo sa aming apat. Ok fine. Matagal ko ng tanggap iyon, kasi totoo naman. Wag na lang sana nilang ipangalandakan pa. Inggit lang much... Si Jop rin ang pinaka-introvert sa amin. Madalas nasa isang sulok lang ng bahay. Kung wala siya sa harap ng laptop, malamang makikita mo siyang nakahiga sa kung saan at nakapako ang mga mata sa smartphone niya. Kapag lumalabas kami, kelangan pang pilitin para sumama. Kapag nanonood kami ng movie, palaging may ibang pinagkakaabalahan.
Graduating na rin itong si Jop next year. Balita ko ay Computer Programming ang balak niyang kunin sa college. Dati pumayag na siya sa Engineering, kaso naimpluwensyahan ata ng mga kaklase niyang gamer kaya nagbago ng isip. Techie kasi ito at mabarkada. Nitong school year, napapadalas ang alis niya kakasama sa tropa. Hindi na ako nagtatampo kasi malambing naman siya kahit papaano sa magulang namin. At minsan, nagpapalambing rin naman siya sa akin kahit papaano.
Hindi ko itinatago na sa tatlo kong kapatid, meron akong pinakapaborito. Sino pa ba kundi ang pinakabata, si Gerwyn. Agree ako dun sa sabi-sabi na usually ang pinakanagkakasundo ay ang panganay at ang bunso. Even though 1st year high school na itong si Winwin, madalas ko pa rin siyang niyayakap at pinupupog ng halik. Halos lagpas balikat ko pa rin kasi siya, kaya hindi mahirap baby-hin. Madalas ikinaiinis na niya ito, pero alam kong gusto rin naman niya kasi hinahayaan niya lang ako. Siguro titigil lang ako kapag nagkaroon na siya ng syota. Pero hangga't di pa nangyayari iyon, baby brother pa din ang tingin ko sa kaniya.
At dahil si Winwin ang peborit ko, siyempre spoiled ko iyan. Karamihan sa request niya, sinusunod ko hangga't kaya ko at ng bulsa ko. "Kuya, mag-uwi ka ng J.Co." "Kuya akin na lang yung cellphone mo kapag may bago ka na." "Kuya, bilhan mo ko ng bagong polo at sapatos." "Kuya, nood tayo ng sine." "Kuya, gusto ko ng PS3." "Kuya, gawin mo project ko." Kapag hindi natupad ang gusto, magsusungit na lang iyan hanggang sa susunod niya uling request. Natatawa na lang ako kasi ang cute niya magtampo, kahit minsan gusto ko ng umbagan.
Hindi ko sigurado kung kahinaan bang maituturing ito, pero si Winwin ay ang klase ng tao na madaling maimpluwensyahan. Iniisip ko kung dahil ba sa ipinanganak siya matapos dumaan ang bagong millenium. Noon, dahil sa pinsan namin, nahilig siya sa paglalaro ng basketball, kahit na obvious na kulang siya sa height. Kinakarir niya ang mga liga tuwing summer, kahit lagi naman siyang bench-warmer lang. Well, at least athletic siya, di gaya ko. Tapos, nakahiligan naman niya ang pagsusuot ng mala-gangster na mga damit. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang ginagaya niya, pero kung sino man iyon, gusto ko siyang ipaligpit. Nakaka-bwisit eh. For months, we had to tolerate his outfits. Oversized shirts, jejecap, long and baggy jersey shorts, chain necklace, etc. Minsan, sobra na lang ang pagpipigil ko na silaban ang aparador niya. Akala ko'y hindi na siya makaka-move on sa "jeje phase" na iyon, hanggang sa isang araw, natuklasan niya ang pagsasayaw. Isinali siya sa dancing competition sa school nila. Pagkatapos nilang manalo, palagi na siyang pumoporma na parang dancer. Oks na sa amin yun; mas acceptable kaysa mukhang jejemon. Sana lang, hindi niya makahiligan ang Chicser, kundi ewan ko na lang.
Ganyan man ang aking mga kapatid, meron akong isang bagay na pinagmamalaki ko: hindi nila nakasanayan ang pagmumura. Alam kong marami rin silang alam na bad words dahil madalas nilang naririnig ang mga ito mula sa akin, pero never ko sila naringgan na magsalita, kahit magalit man sila o magulat. Siguro ay dahil sa lumaki sila sa probinsya, in contrast sa mga pinsan namin na laking Maynila. Kung nagmumura man sila kapag kasama mga kaibigan nila, wala na sa akin, as long as hindi nila ginagawa sa bahay.
Confident and thankful din ako na walang bakla ni isa sa kanila. Na ako lang ang naging ganito. Sapat na ang isa sa pamilya namin. Mas prefer ko na magkaroon sila ng sarili nilang pamilya at magkaroon ng kanya-kanyang mga anak. Ayaw kong maranasan nila ang hirap ng buhay ng mga kagaya ko. Alam kong may idea na rin sila tungkol sa kasarian ko, hindi na ako masyadong nage-effort na itago pa. Though straight-acting pa din naman ako sa harap nila. Kilala din naman nila si Ace; I'm sure pansin na nila ang kakaibang closeness namin. Dahil bata pa sila, ayaw ko munang umamin sa kanila dahil ayaw kong mawalan sila ng respeto sa akin. Isa iyon sa mga kinakatakot ko. Isa pa, hindi rin naman sila nagtatanong. Sana if ever malaman man nila, walang magbabago. I'm being optimistic.
Mabuti ba akong kuya? Hindi ko alam. Siguro oo, marahil hindi, or baka so-so lang. Noong mga mas bata sila, madalas ko silang asarin at paiyakin, lalo na sila Yel at Jop. Hindi naman mawawala ang awayan sa magkakapatid eh, normal lang iyon. Ang mahalaga, at the end of the day, deep inside ay mahal at nirerespeto niyo pa rin ang isa't-isa. Na kahit anong gawin ng isa, handa kayong umintindi at magpatawad, lalo na ang mas nakatatanda. To rephrase what Maya Angelou said, an accident of birth doesn't make people instant brothers. It makes them siblings, yes, because of mutuality of parentage. Being brothers is a condition people have to work at. O di ba, ang taray, pero swak lang ang meaning. Basta ako, isa lang ang sigurado ako, iwan man silang tatlo ng lahat ng tao sa buhay nila, hinding-hindi ako mawawala sa tabi nila. Nandito ako, maaasahan nila hanggang nabubuhay ako. Period, no erase, padlock.
"There's no other love like the love for a brother.
There's no other love like the love from a brother."
~ Terri Guillemets
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Ekstrang Serbisyo
"Ser, ready na po ba kayo?" tanong niya.
Ako'y dumapa na sa massage table sa loob ng cubicle na pinagdalhan niya sa akin. Madilim ang paligid at halos mga silhouettes lamang ang aking naaaninag. Tanging mga kurtina lang ang naghihiwalay sa amin ng kapwa ko customer sa aking bandang kaliwa. Naririning ko ang mahina niyang pag-ungol.
Nag-thumbs up sign ako.
"Hard po ba tayo, ser?" tanong ulit niya.
Napangiti ako sa tanong niya. Kainis, napakapilyo talaga ng utak ko. Isang thumbs up sign ulit ang sagot ko sa kanya.
Habang inihahanda niya ang kanyang mga gagamitin, napasulyap ako. Di siya matangkad at mukhang totoy ang dating. Kulot, singkit, at payat. Mistula siyang high school student sa suot niyang white polo shirt at manipis na black pants. Sayang, hindi ko type. Isinuksok ko na lang ulit sa butas ng kama ang mukha ko. Malakas ang kutob ko na kauri ko siya. Nase-sense ko eh.
"Start na tayo, ser ha," sabi niya.
Una siyang pumuwesto sa aking ulunan. Ibinaba niya ng konti ang cover ng hubad kong katawan, exposing my butt, at sinimulan na niya akong hagurin mula balikat pababa sa pwet. Masarap ang masahe niya. Consistent ang strokes at tama lang ang pressure. Daig pa niya ang mga barakong masahista na nasubukan ko na. Napapaangat ang aking balakang sa bawat pag-abot ng mga palad niya sa aking puwitan. Mga ungol lang ang tanging sagot ko sa kanya.
Maya't-maya, may napansin akong kakaiba. Parang ang tagal niya sa pagmamasahe ng likuran ko. Feel ko, it was getting longer than necessary. Isa pa, mas nagli-linger siya sa pwet ko kaysa sa aking likod. Hala, ganito ba talaga ang routine nito? O masyado nang natutuwa 'tong si kuya? Binalewala ko na lang. Nage-enjoy naman ako eh.
Matapos niyang pagsawaan ang mga pisngi ng pwet ko, lumipat na siya sa aking paanan. Lower extremities ko naman ang trip niya. Sinimulan niya sa kaliwa. Oks din naman ang lamutak niya sa mga hita ko, sinama pa niya pati singit ko. Oooh, ayos 'tong si kuya ah. At yung hindi naman na dapat minamasahe, dinaanan niya, kasama na dun ang perineum ko. (Teka, di mo alam kung ano ang perineum? Iyon ang uber sensitive na area sa gitna ng bayag at butas ng pwet mo. Try mo haplusin. Masarap na medyo nakakakiliti, di ba? Kung naranasan mo nang ma-rim, malamang makaka-relate ka.) Halos tumirik ang mga mata ko ng mga sandaling iyon. Mas lumakas ang ungol ko.
After ng ilang strokes, pinatihaya na niya ako. This was when it got better. Meron na akong tent, at hindi ko ito maitago, kaya alam kong kitang-kita niya ito. Inumpisahan niya ulit sa aking lower extremities. Same pa rin naman ang quality ng massage niya. Ngunit ilang sandali pa, habang nilalamas niya ang kanang hita ko, may naramdaman akong bumabangga sa talampakan ko. What the-? Paunti-unti, kinikiskis niya ang bukol niya sa inosente kong paa. Di ko masabi kung matigas na ba siya, hindi naman kasi ako lumalaban. Iminulat ko saglit ang aking mga mata. Ang lagkit lang ng tingin ng mokong. Nung lumipat siya sa kaliwa, ganun din ang ginawa niya. Ooh la la.
"Ser, akin na po ang kamay niyo," utos niya.
Shemay, heto na... Kaliwang palad ko naman ang minasahe niya. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang bukol niya dahil kinikiskis niya rito ang likod ng kamay ko. Matigas na siya. Nung lumipat siya sa kabila, ganoon din ang nangyari. Nung minasahe na niya ang kanang braso ko, ipinasok niya ang kamay ko loob ng kanyang pantalon. Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. Nagkatitigan kami habang nakapulupot ang kamay ko sa titi niya. Matigas na matigas na nga siya. Napapikit at napaungol siya nung jinakol ko ito. Sigurado akong basa na ang tent ko dahil sa precum; sagana kasi ako sa likidong iyan. Bumaling pababa ang paningin ko ng bigla niyang ibaba ang harap ng pants niya. Tumambad sa harap ko ang burat niya. Sakto lang ang taba at haba, mga 5 inches at hindi maugat. May kaunti ring malalambot na bulbol sa puno nito. Bata pa nga ata 'to.
Nung muli akong tumingin sa kanya, nakangisi na ang demonyo. Nilapit niya ang titi niya sa harap ng aking mukha. Tumungo siya, senyales na I should go on. Pakshet, heto na talaga. Wala ng atrasan. Nakahain na ang ulam. Sinimulan kong isubo ang ulo habang nilalaro ng aking dila ang butas nito. Napakagat labi siya. Maya-maya, idinidiin na niya papasok ang kabuuan niya, kaya hinayaan ko na na maipasok niya ito ng buo. Hirap na hirap siyang pigilin ang ungol niya. Baka kasi marinig ng katabi, mahirap na. Inumpisahan na niyang kantutin ang bibig ko.
Sinabayan ko na din siya sa pag-ungol nung sinimulan niyang jakulin ang ari ko. Tama ako, umaagos na ang precum ko. Sinalo ng kanyang daliri yung iba, sabay subo dito. Tangina.
"Ang tamis, ser," bulong niya, "Ituloy niyo lang ang ginagawa niyo. Ang sarap..."
Fuckingmotherfuckershittyfuckingfuckass! Salat-salat ko ang mga bayag niya habang enjoy na enjoy ako sa pagsususo sa tarugo niya, at panay ang laro niya sa nipples ko habang patuloy ang pagdulas pataas-pababa ng kamay niya sa titi ko. Halos mabaliw ako sa sandaling iyon. Alam kong ganoon din siya. It was extremely steamy and scalding hot.
"Malapit na ko, ser," aniya, matapos ang ilang saglit, "Ipuputok ko sa bibig mo ha."
Ungol na lang ang naisagot ko. Sumirit ang tamod niya ng pagkarami-rami. Siguro'y mga nasa anim na pulandit din 'yon. Grabe, tigang ata 'tong si kuya. Tumulo pa ang iba sa gilid ng mukha ko. Mapakla ito na medyo matamis. Di nagtagal, nilabasan din ako. Tumalsik halos lahat sa dibdib ko, meron pang umabot sa baba at leeg ko. Aaaaaaaaaah shiiiiit. Ganon siya ka-intense, ang lakas ng pagputok ko. Parang New Year's Eve lang. Di ko na nagawang hinaan ang ungol ko, di bale ng marinig ng iba, basta maabot ko lang ang rurok ng matamis na langit.
Pinunasan niya ng towel ang katawan ko. Idinura ko rin dun ang naipon niyang katas sa bibig ko. Whew!
"Ser, imamasahe pa ba natin ang ulo niyo?" tanong niya.
"Paki na lang din, please," sagot ko.
Tumungo siyang muli sa ulunan ko at ginawa ang alok niya. Nakakamangha kasi okay sa olrayt pa rin ang masahe niya matapos ang nakaka-atake sa pusong sex namin. Ako nga lupaypay na eh. Kakabilib ang energy ng batang ito. Habang minamasahe niya ang noo ko, meron siyang sinabi na nakapagpamulat sa akin.
"Ser, pwede ko ba kayong halikan?" tanong niya.
Nagulat ako, kaya ang naisagot ko, "Uhhh... O-okay..."
Malambot naman ang mga labi niya, kaso lasang sigarilyo. Hindi siya torrid humalik. Gentle lang pero may kasamang dila. Mga isang minuto rin siguro ang itinagal ng palitan namin ng laway. Mukhang may gusto pa ata sa akin 'to ah.
Natapos ng tuluyan ang masahe. Biruin mo, nangyari ang lahat ng iyon sa loob lang ng isang oras. Binigyan niya ako ng hot towel pangtanggal ng oil, at hot tea pamparelaks. Bago siya lumabas ng cubicle, pinisil niya ng isa pang beses ang manoy ko. Di pa kuntento si kuya oh. Napangiti na lang ako.
Matapos kong magbayad sa may-ari, naabutan ko siyang naghihintay sa labas. Nilapitan ko siya.
"Magkanong ibibigay kong tip?" tanong ko.
"200 lang pwede na, atsaka number mo, ser," sabi niya habang nakangiti.
Natawa ako ng slight. Binigay ko na lang din ang request niya.
"Ite-text na lang kita. Pa-save na lang din ng number ko. Ingats, ser," sabi niya, nakangiti pa rin.
"Okay. Sige, salamat," paalam ko.
Nung nasa bus na ako pauwi, tumunog ang cellphone ko. Eto na malamang ang SMS niya.
"Jhong po ito. Balik kayo ha, ang sarap nung kanina," ang sabi.
Tinitigan ko ang message at napaisip ako kung ise-save at re-reply-an ko ba ito. Parang ayaw ko ng ulitin yung nangyari. Tama na sa akin ang isang beses lang. Solve na ko dun. Busog na ako, ibang putahe naman. Hindi na ako nag-reply, ngunit idinagdag ko pa rin sa contacts ko ang number niya. Ang name niya sa phone ko: DONOTREPLY#16.
Ako'y dumapa na sa massage table sa loob ng cubicle na pinagdalhan niya sa akin. Madilim ang paligid at halos mga silhouettes lamang ang aking naaaninag. Tanging mga kurtina lang ang naghihiwalay sa amin ng kapwa ko customer sa aking bandang kaliwa. Naririning ko ang mahina niyang pag-ungol.
Nag-thumbs up sign ako.
"Hard po ba tayo, ser?" tanong ulit niya.
Napangiti ako sa tanong niya. Kainis, napakapilyo talaga ng utak ko. Isang thumbs up sign ulit ang sagot ko sa kanya.
Habang inihahanda niya ang kanyang mga gagamitin, napasulyap ako. Di siya matangkad at mukhang totoy ang dating. Kulot, singkit, at payat. Mistula siyang high school student sa suot niyang white polo shirt at manipis na black pants. Sayang, hindi ko type. Isinuksok ko na lang ulit sa butas ng kama ang mukha ko. Malakas ang kutob ko na kauri ko siya. Nase-sense ko eh.
"Start na tayo, ser ha," sabi niya.
Una siyang pumuwesto sa aking ulunan. Ibinaba niya ng konti ang cover ng hubad kong katawan, exposing my butt, at sinimulan na niya akong hagurin mula balikat pababa sa pwet. Masarap ang masahe niya. Consistent ang strokes at tama lang ang pressure. Daig pa niya ang mga barakong masahista na nasubukan ko na. Napapaangat ang aking balakang sa bawat pag-abot ng mga palad niya sa aking puwitan. Mga ungol lang ang tanging sagot ko sa kanya.
Maya't-maya, may napansin akong kakaiba. Parang ang tagal niya sa pagmamasahe ng likuran ko. Feel ko, it was getting longer than necessary. Isa pa, mas nagli-linger siya sa pwet ko kaysa sa aking likod. Hala, ganito ba talaga ang routine nito? O masyado nang natutuwa 'tong si kuya? Binalewala ko na lang. Nage-enjoy naman ako eh.
Matapos niyang pagsawaan ang mga pisngi ng pwet ko, lumipat na siya sa aking paanan. Lower extremities ko naman ang trip niya. Sinimulan niya sa kaliwa. Oks din naman ang lamutak niya sa mga hita ko, sinama pa niya pati singit ko. Oooh, ayos 'tong si kuya ah. At yung hindi naman na dapat minamasahe, dinaanan niya, kasama na dun ang perineum ko. (Teka, di mo alam kung ano ang perineum? Iyon ang uber sensitive na area sa gitna ng bayag at butas ng pwet mo. Try mo haplusin. Masarap na medyo nakakakiliti, di ba? Kung naranasan mo nang ma-rim, malamang makaka-relate ka.) Halos tumirik ang mga mata ko ng mga sandaling iyon. Mas lumakas ang ungol ko.
After ng ilang strokes, pinatihaya na niya ako. This was when it got better. Meron na akong tent, at hindi ko ito maitago, kaya alam kong kitang-kita niya ito. Inumpisahan niya ulit sa aking lower extremities. Same pa rin naman ang quality ng massage niya. Ngunit ilang sandali pa, habang nilalamas niya ang kanang hita ko, may naramdaman akong bumabangga sa talampakan ko. What the-? Paunti-unti, kinikiskis niya ang bukol niya sa inosente kong paa. Di ko masabi kung matigas na ba siya, hindi naman kasi ako lumalaban. Iminulat ko saglit ang aking mga mata. Ang lagkit lang ng tingin ng mokong. Nung lumipat siya sa kaliwa, ganun din ang ginawa niya. Ooh la la.
"Ser, akin na po ang kamay niyo," utos niya.
Shemay, heto na... Kaliwang palad ko naman ang minasahe niya. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang bukol niya dahil kinikiskis niya rito ang likod ng kamay ko. Matigas na siya. Nung lumipat siya sa kabila, ganoon din ang nangyari. Nung minasahe na niya ang kanang braso ko, ipinasok niya ang kamay ko loob ng kanyang pantalon. Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. Nagkatitigan kami habang nakapulupot ang kamay ko sa titi niya. Matigas na matigas na nga siya. Napapikit at napaungol siya nung jinakol ko ito. Sigurado akong basa na ang tent ko dahil sa precum; sagana kasi ako sa likidong iyan. Bumaling pababa ang paningin ko ng bigla niyang ibaba ang harap ng pants niya. Tumambad sa harap ko ang burat niya. Sakto lang ang taba at haba, mga 5 inches at hindi maugat. May kaunti ring malalambot na bulbol sa puno nito. Bata pa nga ata 'to.
Nung muli akong tumingin sa kanya, nakangisi na ang demonyo. Nilapit niya ang titi niya sa harap ng aking mukha. Tumungo siya, senyales na I should go on. Pakshet, heto na talaga. Wala ng atrasan. Nakahain na ang ulam. Sinimulan kong isubo ang ulo habang nilalaro ng aking dila ang butas nito. Napakagat labi siya. Maya-maya, idinidiin na niya papasok ang kabuuan niya, kaya hinayaan ko na na maipasok niya ito ng buo. Hirap na hirap siyang pigilin ang ungol niya. Baka kasi marinig ng katabi, mahirap na. Inumpisahan na niyang kantutin ang bibig ko.
Sinabayan ko na din siya sa pag-ungol nung sinimulan niyang jakulin ang ari ko. Tama ako, umaagos na ang precum ko. Sinalo ng kanyang daliri yung iba, sabay subo dito. Tangina.
"Ang tamis, ser," bulong niya, "Ituloy niyo lang ang ginagawa niyo. Ang sarap..."
Fuckingmotherfuckershittyfuckingfuckass! Salat-salat ko ang mga bayag niya habang enjoy na enjoy ako sa pagsususo sa tarugo niya, at panay ang laro niya sa nipples ko habang patuloy ang pagdulas pataas-pababa ng kamay niya sa titi ko. Halos mabaliw ako sa sandaling iyon. Alam kong ganoon din siya. It was extremely steamy and scalding hot.
"Malapit na ko, ser," aniya, matapos ang ilang saglit, "Ipuputok ko sa bibig mo ha."
Ungol na lang ang naisagot ko. Sumirit ang tamod niya ng pagkarami-rami. Siguro'y mga nasa anim na pulandit din 'yon. Grabe, tigang ata 'tong si kuya. Tumulo pa ang iba sa gilid ng mukha ko. Mapakla ito na medyo matamis. Di nagtagal, nilabasan din ako. Tumalsik halos lahat sa dibdib ko, meron pang umabot sa baba at leeg ko. Aaaaaaaaaah shiiiiit. Ganon siya ka-intense, ang lakas ng pagputok ko. Parang New Year's Eve lang. Di ko na nagawang hinaan ang ungol ko, di bale ng marinig ng iba, basta maabot ko lang ang rurok ng matamis na langit.
Pinunasan niya ng towel ang katawan ko. Idinura ko rin dun ang naipon niyang katas sa bibig ko. Whew!
"Ser, imamasahe pa ba natin ang ulo niyo?" tanong niya.
"Paki na lang din, please," sagot ko.
Tumungo siyang muli sa ulunan ko at ginawa ang alok niya. Nakakamangha kasi okay sa olrayt pa rin ang masahe niya matapos ang nakaka-atake sa pusong sex namin. Ako nga lupaypay na eh. Kakabilib ang energy ng batang ito. Habang minamasahe niya ang noo ko, meron siyang sinabi na nakapagpamulat sa akin.
"Ser, pwede ko ba kayong halikan?" tanong niya.
Nagulat ako, kaya ang naisagot ko, "Uhhh... O-okay..."
Malambot naman ang mga labi niya, kaso lasang sigarilyo. Hindi siya torrid humalik. Gentle lang pero may kasamang dila. Mga isang minuto rin siguro ang itinagal ng palitan namin ng laway. Mukhang may gusto pa ata sa akin 'to ah.
Natapos ng tuluyan ang masahe. Biruin mo, nangyari ang lahat ng iyon sa loob lang ng isang oras. Binigyan niya ako ng hot towel pangtanggal ng oil, at hot tea pamparelaks. Bago siya lumabas ng cubicle, pinisil niya ng isa pang beses ang manoy ko. Di pa kuntento si kuya oh. Napangiti na lang ako.
Matapos kong magbayad sa may-ari, naabutan ko siyang naghihintay sa labas. Nilapitan ko siya.
"Magkanong ibibigay kong tip?" tanong ko.
"200 lang pwede na, atsaka number mo, ser," sabi niya habang nakangiti.
Natawa ako ng slight. Binigay ko na lang din ang request niya.
"Ite-text na lang kita. Pa-save na lang din ng number ko. Ingats, ser," sabi niya, nakangiti pa rin.
"Okay. Sige, salamat," paalam ko.
Nung nasa bus na ako pauwi, tumunog ang cellphone ko. Eto na malamang ang SMS niya.
"Jhong po ito. Balik kayo ha, ang sarap nung kanina," ang sabi.
Tinitigan ko ang message at napaisip ako kung ise-save at re-reply-an ko ba ito. Parang ayaw ko ng ulitin yung nangyari. Tama na sa akin ang isang beses lang. Solve na ko dun. Busog na ako, ibang putahe naman. Hindi na ako nag-reply, ngunit idinagdag ko pa rin sa contacts ko ang number niya. Ang name niya sa phone ko: DONOTREPLY#16.
***
Author's Note: Napansin ko na matagal na mula nung huling nagkwento ako ng malaswa, puro drama na lang, kaya heto po para sa inyo. Hindi ko na masyadong ni-proofread, so pasensya na sa mga typo if meron man. Nga pala, published na po ang 'Alfabeto Della Mia Vita Doodles'! Check it out via the link 'The Doodles' above. :)
Friday, November 29, 2013
Letter Break 6 ~ You Should Meet My Son!
Pasensya na kung hindi ko pa nagagawang maisulat ang mga susunod kong stories. Bukod sa tinatamad ako ng slight, medyo busy din ako sa pagdo-drawing and other shits sa aking personal life. Ganun talaga, tao lang. Teka, meron bang concerned? I'm sure wala naman, assuming lang ako. *hehehe*
Kaya for now, gusto ko lang i-share sa inyo itong movie na sobrang love ko. It's a gay indie film sa U.S. of A. Ayon sa description, it is "a fish-out-of-water comedy about a conservative Southern mom who discovers that her only son is a closeted homosexual. Determined that he won't go through life alone, she sets out to find him a husband."
At dahil mama's boy ako, swak na swak sa puso ko ang movie na ito nung napanood ko. Ganon na lang ang wish ko na sana lahat ng magulang ay katulad nung mother ng bida. This inspirational film showcases the things a loving parent could do for the happiness of his/her child. It is very funny and incredibly heart-warming; worth every second of your time. Pramis, ipupusta ko parehong bayag ko.
I stumbled upon this sa isang torrent site while looking for good movies (yes, madalas akong nanonood through illegal means; patawad po, Lord), so you can also just download this from there if marunong kayo. Pero if you detest piracy and if afford niyo naman, you can rent or buy this from Amazon or iTunes.
I hope you can check out the trailer below. I love what the mother said from 1:46 to 2:05... *sigh* Enjoy! :)
Kaya for now, gusto ko lang i-share sa inyo itong movie na sobrang love ko. It's a gay indie film sa U.S. of A. Ayon sa description, it is "a fish-out-of-water comedy about a conservative Southern mom who discovers that her only son is a closeted homosexual. Determined that he won't go through life alone, she sets out to find him a husband."
At dahil mama's boy ako, swak na swak sa puso ko ang movie na ito nung napanood ko. Ganon na lang ang wish ko na sana lahat ng magulang ay katulad nung mother ng bida. This inspirational film showcases the things a loving parent could do for the happiness of his/her child. It is very funny and incredibly heart-warming; worth every second of your time. Pramis, ipupusta ko parehong bayag ko.
I stumbled upon this sa isang torrent site while looking for good movies (yes, madalas akong nanonood through illegal means; patawad po, Lord), so you can also just download this from there if marunong kayo. Pero if you detest piracy and if afford niyo naman, you can rent or buy this from Amazon or iTunes.
I hope you can check out the trailer below. I love what the mother said from 1:46 to 2:05... *sigh* Enjoy! :)
Monday, November 18, 2013
Discerning The Duality Of A Triptych: Happiness
There are two things I could say I learned from this triptych. The first one, like what I said in the beginning, is that my verdict was incorrect; surprisingly, I advised Theo the wrong path to take. The second one is that Rey's belief about love, no matter how much far-fetched it may sound, could actually happen in real life. And both of these lessons stemmed from a single reason: Theo's decision.
This had been a hell of an emotion storm, and that's why I was, in fact, glad with the outcome. Theo finally knocked some sense into himself. Fortunately, he didn't pick the option of becoming miserable again in the arms of Justin. A few days after our secret conversation, Theo agreed to meet him somewhere. He told Justin upfront to get lost and to never bother him again. Justin expected otherwise, so just imagine his extreme belief after hearing that. I wish I have seen his reaction; it must have been priceless. Theo's
rejection speech was so long, that his irate ex didn't let him finish and walked out on him. He was shaking the whole time, from head to foot, but it made him feel triumphant and free; feelings that he had been waiting for so long.
On the other hand, Theo couldn't stand the idea of picking up the broken pieces on his own. He wanted someone he could lean on in times like this. He needed an understanding soul to aid him in his goal. He thirsted for love. Being alone was another option he had no desire to take. So what's left then?
Yep, he chose Rey. After giving Justin a taste of his own goddamn medicine, Theo went straight to my best friend. He told him everything there is to spill. Rey remained quiet all through out. After a hearty exchange of tears and apologies, words needed not be spoken anymore. Instead, a warm and lengthy hug ended their sorrowful talk. With Rey's patience and guidance, they continued Theo's rehabilitation until he's totally moved on. It wasn't an easy feat, I tell you. But they made it. And I'm proud of them.
On the other hand, Theo couldn't stand the idea of picking up the broken pieces on his own. He wanted someone he could lean on in times like this. He needed an understanding soul to aid him in his goal. He thirsted for love. Being alone was another option he had no desire to take. So what's left then?
Yep, he chose Rey. After giving Justin a taste of his own goddamn medicine, Theo went straight to my best friend. He told him everything there is to spill. Rey remained quiet all through out. After a hearty exchange of tears and apologies, words needed not be spoken anymore. Instead, a warm and lengthy hug ended their sorrowful talk. With Rey's patience and guidance, they continued Theo's rehabilitation until he's totally moved on. It wasn't an easy feat, I tell you. But they made it. And I'm proud of them.
Afterwards, Theo began to develop mutual feelings for Rey. Though its pace was rather slow, at least it was steady. Before they celebrate their first year, they are already two almost inseparable love birds. A huge improvement compare to what they were at the start. I couldn't be happier for Rey as his efforts came into fruition.
As their relationship grew stronger, I started to hang out frequently with the two of them. Theo is actually a pretty cool guy when he's not drunk with self-destructive love (obsession would be a better term). He's very witty and has what seems to be an unlimited supply of interesting stories. I always enjoy my time with them. They are a hoot.
"Sana noon pa nagsimula kung ano man ang meron kami ni Rey. Ang tagal kasi niya umamin; wala rin naman akong idea. Eh di sana hindi na ako naghirap pa sa Justin na yun," he told me one time while we were dining out.
"Blessing in disguise na din yung narasan mo sa bwisit na 'yun. Marami ka naman natutunan, di ba? Sayang nga lang yung oras na ginugol mo sa kanya. But still, you came out of it stronger and better. Kaya fret no longer, Theo," I suggested.
"Well, naisip ko lang naman. Nakonsensya talaga ako dito dahil nadamay pa siya sa pagiging mahina ko... Siya ang pinakakawawa sa nangyari," he said while looking at Rey.
"Don't be. Alam mo ba kung sino ang pinakakawawa?" I said.
"Sino?" Rey asked.
"Si Justin. Dapat mo talaga siyang kaawaan kasi tingin ko hindi siya magiging tunay na masaya, base sa ugali at personality niya. Hindi siya makakahanap ng isang malalim at makabuluhang relasyon kung patuloy siyang magiging isang mababaw na tao. That would be his curse kung hindi siya magbabago," I explained.
"Well, may point ka. Dapat lang sa kanya 'yun. Screw him..." Theo said.
Rey laughed and said, "Bitter pa rin?"
"Tomoh. Ampalayang-ampalaya lang," I added.
"Sana noon pa nagsimula kung ano man ang meron kami ni Rey. Ang tagal kasi niya umamin; wala rin naman akong idea. Eh di sana hindi na ako naghirap pa sa Justin na yun," he told me one time while we were dining out.
"Blessing in disguise na din yung narasan mo sa bwisit na 'yun. Marami ka naman natutunan, di ba? Sayang nga lang yung oras na ginugol mo sa kanya. But still, you came out of it stronger and better. Kaya fret no longer, Theo," I suggested.
"Well, naisip ko lang naman. Nakonsensya talaga ako dito dahil nadamay pa siya sa pagiging mahina ko... Siya ang pinakakawawa sa nangyari," he said while looking at Rey.
"Don't be. Alam mo ba kung sino ang pinakakawawa?" I said.
"Sino?" Rey asked.
"Si Justin. Dapat mo talaga siyang kaawaan kasi tingin ko hindi siya magiging tunay na masaya, base sa ugali at personality niya. Hindi siya makakahanap ng isang malalim at makabuluhang relasyon kung patuloy siyang magiging isang mababaw na tao. That would be his curse kung hindi siya magbabago," I explained.
"Well, may point ka. Dapat lang sa kanya 'yun. Screw him..." Theo said.
Rey laughed and said, "Bitter pa rin?"
"Tomoh. Ampalayang-ampalaya lang," I added.
Speaking of Justin, you might be wondering what happened to him. Forgive me for I have no idea. Not that I want to know, really. I never met the guy. And even of I did, I still wouldn't care. Theo never heard from him again after that rejecting him. And I'm sure that that is just fine with Theo; he wanted Justin to be as far away from him as possible.
Did Theo and Rey live happily ever after?
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Discerning The Duality Of A Triptych: Sorrow
"Sigurado ka bang hindi alam ni Rey ang tungkol dito?" I began.
It was a warm day with cloudy skies. I was sitting on a couch inside this overrated coffeehouse, while Theo sat uncomfortably in front of me. I could see that he's a little hesitant to talk.
"Oo... Geosef, kelangan ba talaga 'to?"
"At bakit naman hindi? Kelangan matapos na 'tong kalohokan niyo."
"Anong kalokohan?"
I chuckled.
"Alam mo namang best friend ako ni Rey, di ba? Malamang naikekwento niya lahat sa akin... Ayaw ko sana mangialam kasi hindi ko naman 'yun talaga ugali, isa pa eh hindi pa rin naman kita lubos na kilala, pero sa mga nangyayari ngayon, sumosobra na ata... Aba, kawawa naman na 'yung kaibigan ko. Hanggang kelan mo siya papahirapan? Kelangan ba talagang idamay mo pa siya sa pinagdadaanan mo?"
He became silent, but I waited for his answer.
"Madaling magsalita 'no? Kung alam mo lang din ang nararamdaman ko... Wala ka kasing idea..."
"Eh kaya nga tayo nandito ngayon. Para mag-usap... Willing naman ako na marinig ang side mo. Wag ka mag-alala, hindi kita papangunahan kay Rey..."
Another moment of silence; this time, Theo was eyeing me intently.
"Ok... Pero I have two conditions. Una, you'll let me finish my story. At pangalawa, you won't judge me prematurely."
I gave him a cordial nod, then he started talking.
He told me things Rey never mentioned before: how Theo and Justin started, their setup (or rather the abuse), the good things (they are not, really; he just thinks they are), and the bad things (which, for me, is everything they had, including their relationship itself). He also told me information I already know: how Justin dumped him without second thoughts, the excruciating distress he experienced because of it, and the premise of his current relationship with my best friend. As he was telling his side of the story, he began to become emotional and a bit teary-eyed. It was awful to hear all of that, but I had to; I needed to see the bigger picture.
I felt that there was something more he would like to say, so I asked, "Tapos ka na ba?"
He didn't answer. His gaze was fixed on the cup in his hands.
"Bakit kelangan idamay mo pa si Rey? Oo, umamin siya sa'yo at siya ang nag-propose ng idea, pero bakit ka pumayag? Lalo na't alam mo namang unstable pa ang emotions mo. Kung talagang best friend mo rin si Rey, tatanggi ka... Di mo ba napapansin na parang ginagawa mo rin sa kaibigan ko ang ginawa sa'yo ni Justin?"
He kept mummed. I sighed.
"Wala naman tayong mapapala kung hindi ka sasagot, Theo..."
"Hindi ako komportable kasi galit ka sa akin..."
That surprised me; I didn't expect that.
I gave him a short laugh and said, "Okay, okay. Sorry kung 'yan ang feeling mo... But really, I'm not. Gusto kong tumulong, hindi lang kay Rey, kundi pati na din sayo. Pasensya na kung mukha akong naiinis... Reset tayo, okay?"
He smiled; it was small but appreciative.
"Okay. May tanong ako... May naramdaman ka ba kay Rey, kahit kaunting pagmamahal, nung umamin siya sayo?"
"Wala..."
"Eh ngayong mag-aapat na buwan na kayo?"
"Wala pa rin..."
"Pero bakit? I mean, bakit mo pa pinapahaba?"
"Kasi ayaw kong mawala si Rey... Siya ang pinaka-takbuhan ko nung panahong kami pa ni Justin. Siya ang pinaka-umalalay sa akin sa difficulties na dinanas ko... Nung umamin siya sa'kin matapos akong iwan ni Justin, natakot ako na kapag tinanggihan ko ang alok nya, na kapag ni-reject ko siya, baka iwasan at layuan n'ya ako. And I can't afford to lose Rey too, Geosef... Importante din naman siya sa akin..."
"Aware ba siya na wala kang nararamdaman para sa kanya?"
"Napag-usapan na namin 'yan nung una pa lang... Sabi naman niya, okay lang daw kasi rebound thing lang naman. Para lang maka-move on na ko..."
"Hindi mo ba alam na umaasa siya na hindi lang 'rebound thing' ito? Alam mo bang hinihiling niya na sana mahalin mo din siya at magiging kayo ng matagal?"
This time, it was him who was taken aback.
"So, at least ngayon alam mo na... Effective naman ba itong ginagawa niyo ni Rey? Siguro naman naka-move on ka na kahit papano. Dumaan na ang 3 months eh."
"Yun nga Geosef... Actually, parang walang improvement... Aaminin ko, within the first month mula ng breakup, para akong baliw na ewan. After mag-resign ni Justin, may times na pumupunta ako sa mga madalas niyang tinatambayan, nagbabaka-sakaling makita ko siya ulit. Naging stalker din ako sa social networking sites niya. Para akong agila na nakabantay sa hapunan ko... At hindi alam ni Rey ang mga yan. Akala niya ginagawa ko ang lahat para tulungan ang sarili ko na makabangon... Wala siyang idea na ang dami kong ginawang paraan para makita lang ulit ang ex ko...
"Buti na lang, nabawasan lahat ng 'yon nung naka-abot na kami sa pangalawang buwan. Unti-unti ko na nari-realize ang sitwasyon. Nakakabangon na ko kahit papaano. Hindi ko na hinahanap si Justin gaya nung una..."
"Oo nga eh, for a month parang nabawasan ang mga hinanaing sa akin ni Rey. Kesyo okay ka na daw, bumabalik na daw ang timbang mo sa dati, nakakatulog ka na daw ng maayos... Akala ko tuloy-tuloy na yan. Hanggang sa around 3 weeks ago, madalas na naman niya akong tawagan at i-text. Matamlay ka na naman daw at palaging wala sa sarili... Bakit, ano ba ang nangyari? Bakit mo nasabi kanina na 'parang walang improvement'?"
He looked down. I noticed his sudden change of expression, from relaxed to melancholic.
"Earlier this month, may na-receive akong text mula kay Justin. It was the first time na kinontak niya ko uli. Miss na daw niya ako at naisip niya na nagkamali daw siya. Na-realize niyang mahal niya pala talaga ako... It was surreal Geosef, nung mabasa ko 'yun. Hindi ko alam kung nasa langit ba ako o nasa impyerno ulit... Sagot ko sa kanya, meron na akong bagong boyfriend at unti-unti na kong nagmu-move on. Sabi niya huwag daw, kasi sayang naman ang relasyon namin. May pagkakataon pa raw kaming maging masaya, gagawin niya ang lahat para hindi na ako ulit mahirapan at malungkot. Nangako siya na hindi na niya uulitin 'yung mga nagawa niyang hindi maganda... Pinagsisihan na raw niya ang mga 'yon... Natuto na siya... Kaya sana pumayag na daw ako na magkabalikan kami..."
"At ano naman ang sagot mo?"
"Sabi ko na lang, pag-iisipan ko muna..."
That one, I wasn't surprised. I guess I could say I saw that one coming.
"You should understand, Geosef. It was very tempting... And I'm considering it, sa totoo lang. Pero hindi ko magawang maharap si Rey..."
"Don't worry, Theo. I'm not judging you. Pinipilit kong intindihin ang nararamdaman mo..."
"After nang pag-uusap namin, madalas na niya kong i-text. Halos araw-araw, hanggang ngayon. Nangangamusta at humihingi ng update sa desisyon ko... At habang tumatagal, lalo siyang nagiging mapilit. In turn, lalo naman akong napapaisip..."
We both exhaled deeply, but his was longer.
"Help me Geosef... I'm so confused... Ano ang gagawin ko?"
"I'm going to speak my mind, may I? Ito na din ang verdict ko."
"Go ahead..."
"You are stupid, at alam kong alam mo yan... Alam mo kung sino ang dapat mong piliin? Wala. Obviously, hindi si Rey. Kung nagagawa mong i-consider ang sinasabi ng tarantado mong ex, hindi ka karapat-dapat sa best friend ko. Spare him the pain hangga't maaga pa. Kung hindi mo siya kayang mahalin, please don't use him. Kasi kung ganon lang, wala ka ring pinagkaiba kay Justin, user and insensitive to the point na wala nang puso.
"At siyempre, lalong hindi mo dapat balikan si Justin. I don't think na sincere siya sa mga sinabi niya. C'mon, don't fall for that again. Di ka naman siguro pinalaki ng magulang mo para magpa-alipin sa ibang tao, lalo na 'yung mga halang ang kaluluwa. Nabuhay ka nga sa mundo ng 20 years na wala 'yung Justin na yun eh. Hindi mo siya kelangan para huminga, matulog, kumain, at kung ano-ano pang shit sa buhay... Pustahan tayo, itataya ko ang isang bayag ko, mararanasan mo lang din ulit 'yung mga ginawa niya sayo noon. And sooner or later, iiwan ka lang rin niya kapag wala ka nang pakinabang sa kanya.
"Ang dapat mong piliin ay ang sarili mo. Wala ng iba. Self-respect lang Theo, at self-control. Mahirap pero kaya 'yun. Gawin mo ang lahat para bumalik sa dati mong sarili. Umiwas ka sa ex mo at 'yung mga bagay na nakakapag-paalala sa kanya. At kung pwede, umiwas ka din sa best friend ko para maka-move on din siya. Find a new hobby, lumipat ka sa ibang company, or look for solace in the presence of your family. Ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo, hindi ang ibang tao."
"Eh paano kung isa sa kanila ang piliin ko?"
"Kung si Justin ang pipiliin mo, then wag na wag ka nang magpapakita sa best friend ko. Bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Kung ano man ang mangyayari sa'yo, kargo mo na ang sarili mo. Pero wag na wag mo nang idadamay ulit si Rey, kasi pati ako nasasali. Ako ng bahala sa kaibigan ko after mo siyang iwan. Hiwalayan mo siya, tapos maglaho ka na parang bula. Magiging mas madali 'yun para sa kanya...
"If si Rey—teka, di mo naman siya mahal, di ba? I don't think na pipiliin mo siya. Pero kung sakali man, then do everything para mag-work ang plano niyo nung una pa lang. Gaya nang sabi ko kanina, iwasan mo na si Justin. Learn to appreciate Rey. Do your best to reciprocate his love. Be honest with him. Kung bigla mong maalala ang ex mo, tell Rey. If suddenly makaramdam ka ng lungkot, sabihin mo sa kaibigan ko. Kapag feeling mo gusto mong makita si Justin, si Rey ang hanapin mo. Yung mga tipong ganun... Mas magiging effective kayo if magiging open kayo sa isa't-isa. No more secrets."
I let him have several minutes of silence to ponder my lengthy advice. I slurped the remaining whipped cream sitting at the bottom of my cup.
"Thanks Geosef. I really needed that..."
I smiled at him.
"Tsaka mo na lang ako pasalamatan kapag naging maganda ang kahahantungan nito..."
To be concluded...
It was a warm day with cloudy skies. I was sitting on a couch inside this overrated coffeehouse, while Theo sat uncomfortably in front of me. I could see that he's a little hesitant to talk.
"Oo... Geosef, kelangan ba talaga 'to?"
"At bakit naman hindi? Kelangan matapos na 'tong kalohokan niyo."
"Anong kalokohan?"
I chuckled.
"Alam mo namang best friend ako ni Rey, di ba? Malamang naikekwento niya lahat sa akin... Ayaw ko sana mangialam kasi hindi ko naman 'yun talaga ugali, isa pa eh hindi pa rin naman kita lubos na kilala, pero sa mga nangyayari ngayon, sumosobra na ata... Aba, kawawa naman na 'yung kaibigan ko. Hanggang kelan mo siya papahirapan? Kelangan ba talagang idamay mo pa siya sa pinagdadaanan mo?"
He became silent, but I waited for his answer.
"Madaling magsalita 'no? Kung alam mo lang din ang nararamdaman ko... Wala ka kasing idea..."
"Eh kaya nga tayo nandito ngayon. Para mag-usap... Willing naman ako na marinig ang side mo. Wag ka mag-alala, hindi kita papangunahan kay Rey..."
Another moment of silence; this time, Theo was eyeing me intently.
"Ok... Pero I have two conditions. Una, you'll let me finish my story. At pangalawa, you won't judge me prematurely."
I gave him a cordial nod, then he started talking.
He told me things Rey never mentioned before: how Theo and Justin started, their setup (or rather the abuse), the good things (they are not, really; he just thinks they are), and the bad things (which, for me, is everything they had, including their relationship itself). He also told me information I already know: how Justin dumped him without second thoughts, the excruciating distress he experienced because of it, and the premise of his current relationship with my best friend. As he was telling his side of the story, he began to become emotional and a bit teary-eyed. It was awful to hear all of that, but I had to; I needed to see the bigger picture.
I felt that there was something more he would like to say, so I asked, "Tapos ka na ba?"
He didn't answer. His gaze was fixed on the cup in his hands.
"Bakit kelangan idamay mo pa si Rey? Oo, umamin siya sa'yo at siya ang nag-propose ng idea, pero bakit ka pumayag? Lalo na't alam mo namang unstable pa ang emotions mo. Kung talagang best friend mo rin si Rey, tatanggi ka... Di mo ba napapansin na parang ginagawa mo rin sa kaibigan ko ang ginawa sa'yo ni Justin?"
He kept mummed. I sighed.
"Wala naman tayong mapapala kung hindi ka sasagot, Theo..."
"Hindi ako komportable kasi galit ka sa akin..."
That surprised me; I didn't expect that.
I gave him a short laugh and said, "Okay, okay. Sorry kung 'yan ang feeling mo... But really, I'm not. Gusto kong tumulong, hindi lang kay Rey, kundi pati na din sayo. Pasensya na kung mukha akong naiinis... Reset tayo, okay?"
He smiled; it was small but appreciative.
"Okay. May tanong ako... May naramdaman ka ba kay Rey, kahit kaunting pagmamahal, nung umamin siya sayo?"
"Wala..."
"Eh ngayong mag-aapat na buwan na kayo?"
"Wala pa rin..."
"Pero bakit? I mean, bakit mo pa pinapahaba?"
"Kasi ayaw kong mawala si Rey... Siya ang pinaka-takbuhan ko nung panahong kami pa ni Justin. Siya ang pinaka-umalalay sa akin sa difficulties na dinanas ko... Nung umamin siya sa'kin matapos akong iwan ni Justin, natakot ako na kapag tinanggihan ko ang alok nya, na kapag ni-reject ko siya, baka iwasan at layuan n'ya ako. And I can't afford to lose Rey too, Geosef... Importante din naman siya sa akin..."
"Aware ba siya na wala kang nararamdaman para sa kanya?"
"Napag-usapan na namin 'yan nung una pa lang... Sabi naman niya, okay lang daw kasi rebound thing lang naman. Para lang maka-move on na ko..."
"Hindi mo ba alam na umaasa siya na hindi lang 'rebound thing' ito? Alam mo bang hinihiling niya na sana mahalin mo din siya at magiging kayo ng matagal?"
This time, it was him who was taken aback.
"So, at least ngayon alam mo na... Effective naman ba itong ginagawa niyo ni Rey? Siguro naman naka-move on ka na kahit papano. Dumaan na ang 3 months eh."
"Yun nga Geosef... Actually, parang walang improvement... Aaminin ko, within the first month mula ng breakup, para akong baliw na ewan. After mag-resign ni Justin, may times na pumupunta ako sa mga madalas niyang tinatambayan, nagbabaka-sakaling makita ko siya ulit. Naging stalker din ako sa social networking sites niya. Para akong agila na nakabantay sa hapunan ko... At hindi alam ni Rey ang mga yan. Akala niya ginagawa ko ang lahat para tulungan ang sarili ko na makabangon... Wala siyang idea na ang dami kong ginawang paraan para makita lang ulit ang ex ko...
"Buti na lang, nabawasan lahat ng 'yon nung naka-abot na kami sa pangalawang buwan. Unti-unti ko na nari-realize ang sitwasyon. Nakakabangon na ko kahit papaano. Hindi ko na hinahanap si Justin gaya nung una..."
"Oo nga eh, for a month parang nabawasan ang mga hinanaing sa akin ni Rey. Kesyo okay ka na daw, bumabalik na daw ang timbang mo sa dati, nakakatulog ka na daw ng maayos... Akala ko tuloy-tuloy na yan. Hanggang sa around 3 weeks ago, madalas na naman niya akong tawagan at i-text. Matamlay ka na naman daw at palaging wala sa sarili... Bakit, ano ba ang nangyari? Bakit mo nasabi kanina na 'parang walang improvement'?"
He looked down. I noticed his sudden change of expression, from relaxed to melancholic.
"Earlier this month, may na-receive akong text mula kay Justin. It was the first time na kinontak niya ko uli. Miss na daw niya ako at naisip niya na nagkamali daw siya. Na-realize niyang mahal niya pala talaga ako... It was surreal Geosef, nung mabasa ko 'yun. Hindi ko alam kung nasa langit ba ako o nasa impyerno ulit... Sagot ko sa kanya, meron na akong bagong boyfriend at unti-unti na kong nagmu-move on. Sabi niya huwag daw, kasi sayang naman ang relasyon namin. May pagkakataon pa raw kaming maging masaya, gagawin niya ang lahat para hindi na ako ulit mahirapan at malungkot. Nangako siya na hindi na niya uulitin 'yung mga nagawa niyang hindi maganda... Pinagsisihan na raw niya ang mga 'yon... Natuto na siya... Kaya sana pumayag na daw ako na magkabalikan kami..."
"At ano naman ang sagot mo?"
"Sabi ko na lang, pag-iisipan ko muna..."
That one, I wasn't surprised. I guess I could say I saw that one coming.
"You should understand, Geosef. It was very tempting... And I'm considering it, sa totoo lang. Pero hindi ko magawang maharap si Rey..."
"Don't worry, Theo. I'm not judging you. Pinipilit kong intindihin ang nararamdaman mo..."
"After nang pag-uusap namin, madalas na niya kong i-text. Halos araw-araw, hanggang ngayon. Nangangamusta at humihingi ng update sa desisyon ko... At habang tumatagal, lalo siyang nagiging mapilit. In turn, lalo naman akong napapaisip..."
We both exhaled deeply, but his was longer.
"Help me Geosef... I'm so confused... Ano ang gagawin ko?"
"I'm going to speak my mind, may I? Ito na din ang verdict ko."
"Go ahead..."
"You are stupid, at alam kong alam mo yan... Alam mo kung sino ang dapat mong piliin? Wala. Obviously, hindi si Rey. Kung nagagawa mong i-consider ang sinasabi ng tarantado mong ex, hindi ka karapat-dapat sa best friend ko. Spare him the pain hangga't maaga pa. Kung hindi mo siya kayang mahalin, please don't use him. Kasi kung ganon lang, wala ka ring pinagkaiba kay Justin, user and insensitive to the point na wala nang puso.
"At siyempre, lalong hindi mo dapat balikan si Justin. I don't think na sincere siya sa mga sinabi niya. C'mon, don't fall for that again. Di ka naman siguro pinalaki ng magulang mo para magpa-alipin sa ibang tao, lalo na 'yung mga halang ang kaluluwa. Nabuhay ka nga sa mundo ng 20 years na wala 'yung Justin na yun eh. Hindi mo siya kelangan para huminga, matulog, kumain, at kung ano-ano pang shit sa buhay... Pustahan tayo, itataya ko ang isang bayag ko, mararanasan mo lang din ulit 'yung mga ginawa niya sayo noon. And sooner or later, iiwan ka lang rin niya kapag wala ka nang pakinabang sa kanya.
"Ang dapat mong piliin ay ang sarili mo. Wala ng iba. Self-respect lang Theo, at self-control. Mahirap pero kaya 'yun. Gawin mo ang lahat para bumalik sa dati mong sarili. Umiwas ka sa ex mo at 'yung mga bagay na nakakapag-paalala sa kanya. At kung pwede, umiwas ka din sa best friend ko para maka-move on din siya. Find a new hobby, lumipat ka sa ibang company, or look for solace in the presence of your family. Ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo, hindi ang ibang tao."
"Eh paano kung isa sa kanila ang piliin ko?"
"Kung si Justin ang pipiliin mo, then wag na wag ka nang magpapakita sa best friend ko. Bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Kung ano man ang mangyayari sa'yo, kargo mo na ang sarili mo. Pero wag na wag mo nang idadamay ulit si Rey, kasi pati ako nasasali. Ako ng bahala sa kaibigan ko after mo siyang iwan. Hiwalayan mo siya, tapos maglaho ka na parang bula. Magiging mas madali 'yun para sa kanya...
"If si Rey—teka, di mo naman siya mahal, di ba? I don't think na pipiliin mo siya. Pero kung sakali man, then do everything para mag-work ang plano niyo nung una pa lang. Gaya nang sabi ko kanina, iwasan mo na si Justin. Learn to appreciate Rey. Do your best to reciprocate his love. Be honest with him. Kung bigla mong maalala ang ex mo, tell Rey. If suddenly makaramdam ka ng lungkot, sabihin mo sa kaibigan ko. Kapag feeling mo gusto mong makita si Justin, si Rey ang hanapin mo. Yung mga tipong ganun... Mas magiging effective kayo if magiging open kayo sa isa't-isa. No more secrets."
I let him have several minutes of silence to ponder my lengthy advice. I slurped the remaining whipped cream sitting at the bottom of my cup.
"Thanks Geosef. I really needed that..."
I smiled at him.
"Tsaka mo na lang ako pasalamatan kapag naging maganda ang kahahantungan nito..."
To be concluded...
Monday, November 11, 2013
Discerning The Duality Of A Triptych: Rey
To complete this triptych, it is time for you to know more about Rey. I already mentioned him before, in another story together with Lanie, but don't worry, I know the chances are slim that you'll still remember that.
Rey and I are best friends since high school. He's a few inches shorter, skinny, and a bit bony. He's cute in his own way; some may find him attractive, while others may not. A timid and shy guy he is, he doesn't talk much, unless drunk. It's kinda difficult for him to express himself. During conversations, it is normal of him not to be inquisitive and responsive. However, in spite of that, he is a very patient listener. He absorbs much of whatever you tell him; he's like a wall, but with an unbreakable attentiveness, or perhaps a memory journal. While Lanie is reliable for giving sensible advices, Rey never fails in providing a sympathetic ear.
Rey and I are best friends since high school. He's a few inches shorter, skinny, and a bit bony. He's cute in his own way; some may find him attractive, while others may not. A timid and shy guy he is, he doesn't talk much, unless drunk. It's kinda difficult for him to express himself. During conversations, it is normal of him not to be inquisitive and responsive. However, in spite of that, he is a very patient listener. He absorbs much of whatever you tell him; he's like a wall, but with an unbreakable attentiveness, or perhaps a memory journal. While Lanie is reliable for giving sensible advices, Rey never fails in providing a sympathetic ear.
Another good thing about him is his loyalty—it is unwavering. I can't think of any instances where he ratted me out to anybody. He's pretty much a keeper, really. When he falls in love, he does it slowly but surely, as well as very deeply. He has this belief that when one chooses to love someone, life will surely find a way to make everything fall into place, to make it happen. In my opinion, it sounds ridiculous and unrealistic. But I have no choice, I have to respect my friend's ideals.
How is he connected to Theo? Well, coincidentally, they are best friends too. But they started later, during first year in college. They were both Marketing students in this reputable university for the rich. After graduating, they both worked in the same company. They had the same colleagues, including Justin. And as the douchebag abused Theo, Rey quietly watched in the background, helpless and heartbroken as well.
Yes... My friend was secretly in love with Theo, for more than 4 years, since they first met. So seeing him suffer at the hands of some bastard had a huge impact on Rey, and yet he could never bring himself to stop the injustice—a regret that still haunts him until today. He told me all of that after coming out to me, 2 months before Justin finally dumped Theo.
After the inevitable breakup, Rey suddenly had the courage to reveal to his best friend his true feelings. He asked the devastated Theo to use him as a rebound guy, that he would take care of him, to make him feel the warmth of being properly loved. He literally begged Theo to consider his proposal, though deep inside, Rey was hoping that, somehow, this would develop into something more, that he will forever be his.
Because Theo was extremely distraught, he took Rey's offer, much to the latter's relief and joy. However, it didn't go as smoothly as expected. Rey did his best to nourish Theo back to life, to recover his old self, and to retrieve his wasted enthusiasm, but Theo still yearned strongly for Justin. There were several instances when Theo would stalk on his ex, like going to places where he might bump into him, all without Rey's knowledge.
The first time I met Theo was a month after they began their relationship. I will never forget that day. I gave him one careful look, measuring him up, and this was my first impression: he's lifeless and empty, like someone devoid of a soul. Initially, I didn't like him. He was pulling my best friend down with him.
On the other hand, I gave Rey a long hard look as well. The last time I saw him 3 months ago, he was still healthy and pretty much alive. Now, he looked like he aged several years older; he seemed tired and unhappy. Actually, the two of them looked pitiful. As Theo stared at something far-off, I saw Rey looking at him intently, full of love yet brimming with worry.
That was the first time I saw Rey in that state. And after that meeting, my best friend began to contact me frequently, asking for advices or blowing off some steam, usually when Theo takes him for granted. I was his shock absorber for the next couple of months. I know I shouldn't complain, but his rants became too troublesome for me. He had changed, Rey was not in his right self anymore, all because of that stupid Theo.
Thus, I decided to intervene.
To be continued...
After the inevitable breakup, Rey suddenly had the courage to reveal to his best friend his true feelings. He asked the devastated Theo to use him as a rebound guy, that he would take care of him, to make him feel the warmth of being properly loved. He literally begged Theo to consider his proposal, though deep inside, Rey was hoping that, somehow, this would develop into something more, that he will forever be his.
Because Theo was extremely distraught, he took Rey's offer, much to the latter's relief and joy. However, it didn't go as smoothly as expected. Rey did his best to nourish Theo back to life, to recover his old self, and to retrieve his wasted enthusiasm, but Theo still yearned strongly for Justin. There were several instances when Theo would stalk on his ex, like going to places where he might bump into him, all without Rey's knowledge.
The first time I met Theo was a month after they began their relationship. I will never forget that day. I gave him one careful look, measuring him up, and this was my first impression: he's lifeless and empty, like someone devoid of a soul. Initially, I didn't like him. He was pulling my best friend down with him.
On the other hand, I gave Rey a long hard look as well. The last time I saw him 3 months ago, he was still healthy and pretty much alive. Now, he looked like he aged several years older; he seemed tired and unhappy. Actually, the two of them looked pitiful. As Theo stared at something far-off, I saw Rey looking at him intently, full of love yet brimming with worry.
That was the first time I saw Rey in that state. And after that meeting, my best friend began to contact me frequently, asking for advices or blowing off some steam, usually when Theo takes him for granted. I was his shock absorber for the next couple of months. I know I shouldn't complain, but his rants became too troublesome for me. He had changed, Rey was not in his right self anymore, all because of that stupid Theo.
Thus, I decided to intervene.
To be continued...
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Discerning The Duality Of A Triptych: Justin
There are things about Justin—the one who's occupying the left panel of this triptych—that are worth mentioning, but I'm not sure where to begin. So let's see... *hmmm*
Justin is an extremely vain homosexual. You can often catch him inside salons, having his hair colored and fixed and his nails meticulously done; at his regular high-end gym, keeping his body buffed and ripped; and in sophisticated malls, shopping for the latest trends in clothing and gadgetry. Because of his height, flawless looks, and mouthwatering body, he frequently joins male beauty pageants around Laguna. He has a resemblance with the sexy actor Wendell Ramos. He has his own fan page in Facebook, littering it with countless semi-nude selfies and self-gratifying status posts.
To put it out there, I hated his guts. Well, not because of his vanity—he has every right to be like that, it's his life anyway—but rather because he's a huge jerk. In contrast to his pleasing appearance, he's your typical douchebag-next-door: loud, egotistic, big-headed, and a hypocrite. He categorizes himself as a tripper (a straight guy who enjoys gay sex), so that he could freely discriminate and look down on effeminates, when in fact he's struggling with his own straight-acting skills and he's actually as queer as a drag queen in a cabaret. He's a big waste of oxygen, really.
Unfortunately, Justin once became Theo's apple of the eye. He has everything that Theo physically wants in a man. And it was too late when Theo realized Justin's rotten personality. He was the cause of Theo's suffering, which, sadly, lasted for a very long time.
They started as teammates at work a few years ago. When Justin was newly hired, Theo was the one assigned to train him. Like the hopelessly romantic little girl that Theo was, it didn't take him long to fall for the guy. And after making sure that he's got a shot, even for a little, at having Justin, he confessed. To his relief, Justin had no violent reactions. However, Justin bluntly told Theo that he could never reciprocate my friend's feelings. To which the lovestruck Theo replied with, "Gagawin ko ang lahat, mahalin mo lang din ako."
Justin is an extremely vain homosexual. You can often catch him inside salons, having his hair colored and fixed and his nails meticulously done; at his regular high-end gym, keeping his body buffed and ripped; and in sophisticated malls, shopping for the latest trends in clothing and gadgetry. Because of his height, flawless looks, and mouthwatering body, he frequently joins male beauty pageants around Laguna. He has a resemblance with the sexy actor Wendell Ramos. He has his own fan page in Facebook, littering it with countless semi-nude selfies and self-gratifying status posts.
To put it out there, I hated his guts. Well, not because of his vanity—he has every right to be like that, it's his life anyway—but rather because he's a huge jerk. In contrast to his pleasing appearance, he's your typical douchebag-next-door: loud, egotistic, big-headed, and a hypocrite. He categorizes himself as a tripper (a straight guy who enjoys gay sex), so that he could freely discriminate and look down on effeminates, when in fact he's struggling with his own straight-acting skills and he's actually as queer as a drag queen in a cabaret. He's a big waste of oxygen, really.
Unfortunately, Justin once became Theo's apple of the eye. He has everything that Theo physically wants in a man. And it was too late when Theo realized Justin's rotten personality. He was the cause of Theo's suffering, which, sadly, lasted for a very long time.
They started as teammates at work a few years ago. When Justin was newly hired, Theo was the one assigned to train him. Like the hopelessly romantic little girl that Theo was, it didn't take him long to fall for the guy. And after making sure that he's got a shot, even for a little, at having Justin, he confessed. To his relief, Justin had no violent reactions. However, Justin bluntly told Theo that he could never reciprocate my friend's feelings. To which the lovestruck Theo replied with, "Gagawin ko ang lahat, mahalin mo lang din ako."
And that was when the abuse began, for almost a fucking year.
Their relationship (yes, they had one) was very one-sided; Theo had always been on the giving end, submitting to Justin's every whim. He supported his lover's penchant for vanity, shelling out cash for haircuts, skin treatments, and new clothes. Six months into their affair, half of his savings were gone. At work, Justin often made him do almost all of the tasks assigned to them. During sex, Theo's always the only one who provide service; Justin never returned the favor after shooting load. There were also instances when Justin would fuck him insensitively, then leaves him alone in bed afterward to take a shower. He was like a sex doll: discarded after its purpose was fulfilled. He also had an inkling that Justin might be cheating on him at times, but he never caught the motherfucker in the act. Unlike him, Justin never introduced Theo to acquaintances as a boyfriend, not even once, particularly to friends. He felt that Justin is ashamed of him, but he didn't have enough courage to confirm this.
As Justin became more and more desirable, Theo became more and more miserable. He lost a lot of weight, he was often sleep-deprived, his eyes showed despair, and pimples reigned all over his face. His work performance became poor, which was the reason he nearly got fired once. His relationships with family and friends were greatly affected as well. And in spite all of that, Justin never cared. Nada. Not even an ounce of concern.
The sad thing is, my friend became blinded with unconditional love. He failed to see the truth: the man he's obsessed with came from the depths of hell, sent to ruin his sweet life. Nonetheless, he was aware of the fact that their setup is taking its toll on him, but he could never bring himself to end it. Despite of the unfortunate situation he's in, he's still hoping that, someday, Justin would finally love him back—to see him as someone worthy of tender loving care.
The sad thing is, my friend became blinded with unconditional love. He failed to see the truth: the man he's obsessed with came from the depths of hell, sent to ruin his sweet life. Nonetheless, he was aware of the fact that their setup is taking its toll on him, but he could never bring himself to end it. Despite of the unfortunate situation he's in, he's still hoping that, someday, Justin would finally love him back—to see him as someone worthy of tender loving care.
At one point, Theo thought that he will never be able to crawl out of the pit that he himself had dug. It seemed he was nearing his breaking point, until, one day, someone else entered the picture.
To be continued...
Monday, November 4, 2013
Discerning The Duality Of A Triptych: Theo
Theo, like most gays I know, fancies men one can put in a pedestal: tall, handsome, flawless, and muscled. He's a diehard Sam Milby fan. I could still remember quite vividly the time when I accompanied him in one of the actor's mall tours. He was waving a huge banner and shouting, "Sam! Sam! Saaaaam!" amidst the disillusioned crowd. He was giggling widly, like a woman pumped with gallons of hormones. If ever you saw a friend in that state, I bet my penis you wouldn't be able to forget that moment.
Theo is quite a looker himself, although he always says that he's only an average guy. He's about 5'6", lean, and good-looking with a couple of acne problems from time to time; his chinky eyes make him look a couple of years younger. When he's not squealing like a little girl whenever he sees that Milby guy, he's a decent straight-acting homosexual. He likes manly sports (guess why), he's a car enthusiast, and he's fond of skateboards and BMXs. Another good thing about Theo is his intellect. He can engage you in mind-bending conversations, which is the reason why some people (mostly the stupid ones) don't like him. Not that he cares though.
Theo, generally, is a good person. He's charitable, family-oriented, reliable, and responsible. And he was tested with this very unusual dilemma, which, in my amazement, could unbelievably occur in real life. I, myself, found it fake and delusional at first. However, it indeed happened to my friend, and I had no choice other than to just follow the progress of his story.
Now, I want you to think of this as a triptych, with Theo in the middle, hanging alone on a wall inside a bustling museum. The two other frames—one each on his sides—represents a duality. The dualism of happiness and sorrow. And you, reader, are a spectator standing in front of it, who is encouraged to give your judgment to the curator (yours truly) after he tells you the whole story behind this fateful work of art.
I already gave Theo my verdict years ago. And I couldn't be more wrong. I was very, very mistaken. Let's see if you will choose the right one.
To be continued...
Friday, October 25, 2013
Cheat Sheet
Warning: Reading this requires an open mind.
All of us have the tendency to cheat, one way or another. I dunno, that is just one of the many baseless assumptions I have in life. I feel like this is something that's innate in human behavior; an itch that can be controlled; an impulse that could be overrode; and an internal battle that can be won. All depending on one's sheer willpower.
Cheating, according to Ninjawords, is an act of deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition.
It may come in different forms; copying or utilizing a hidden note during examinations, rigging an election, submitting a plagiarized work as your own, falsifying crucial information, a dirty move in a match, manipulating cards in poker, using cheat codes in a video game, relying on the help of steroids as a strength enhancer during a sporting event, and many more. Some of these are light and only merit a disqualification or the like, while some are gravely punishable by law.
However, for this entry, I will tackle its involvement in romantic relationships.
Like its other forms, it is pretty much frowned upon. Although this isn't punishable by imprisonment—it is neither considered illegal nor criminal—most people consider it an abhorrent thing to commit. Aside from physical and verbal abuse, it is one of the worst things you can do to your partner. Being cheated on is very painful, you wouldn't believe the agony you'll experience from the nasty betrayal.
Before I continue, you may find the following as something detestable. I may not be very sure why I wrote this—maybe I would like to compose something different or something new that's never written before—but I warned you at the beginning, this is not for everyone. If you are expecting that I will criticize or malign cheating, well I'm sorry, but you are incorrect. Now, don't get me wrong here. I, myself, don't support cheating. I just think that if that is someone's cup of tea, then let them be, as long as it's their life alone that's being ruined. Live and let live, in other words. Well, unless it is being done to you directly, then I believe you should better go into berserk and kill some motherfuckers.
Well, it seems I have stretched out the introduction for too long... Therefore, without further ado, I present to you:
1. Pick A Medium
Prior to starting your sinful fling, you should first, of course, find someone willing for a coitus. Where to look for it though? Through online dating sites? Inside dark bathhouses or seedy massage parlors? At the back of a bus? Among the tight crowd inside the MRT? Or in a dirty public restroom? The choices are numerous. The ballsier you could be, the hotter the encounter you might get in return.
Are you going for a carefully measured plan or just go with whatever fate's going to throw at you?
2. Formulate the Ideal Partner-in-Crime
What's your preferred 'fling mate'? A top or a bottom? Do you require an absolute hottie or would you just settle for someone average? A twink or a beefcake? Pick your preferred race, skin color, height, and weight. How about fetishes? A daddy perhaps? Someone married? Or maybe a high school or a college student?
Or will you rather go for anyone who's simply there, currently within your line of sight? Just go with the flow, to put it simply.
3. Informed Consent
Would you tell your chosen partner that you, as of this moment, are in a relationship with someone else? Or will you spare him the knowledge and just keep your mouths busy with kissing, licking, sucking, and moaning? Remember, no one fancies to look like a fool. Well, except for clowns maybe.
4. The Conducive Space
Your place or his? Oh, both are not possible? How about if you rent a motel room? Hmmm, too shy eh? Outdoors then? Or some concealed public place? Well, choose wisely. The best venue is somewhere you could do everything uninterrupted in full gear.
5. The Right Moment
Boyfriend is currently on an out-of-town trip? Or maybe he's at work or busy with an important activity or two? Timing is everything; it should be impeccable. Provide a sensible alibi, if necessary, to reinforce his trust in you. It's better to be safe than sorry. You wouldn't want to get caught red-handed, would you?
6. Safe or Bareback? Spit or Swallow?
Planning on entering the exit-door? Do it safe; use a condom.
Just oral sex? Do it safe; spit, don't swallow.
Nothing could bum your boyfriend out better than him discovering that you gave him an STD which you caught from someone else. Worse is if it's HIV. If that will happen to me, I'll kill you. No, seriously, who wouldn't?
7. The Other Ingredient
Would you like to mix in deeper romantic emotions? Are you going to take it to the next level by developing some feelings for your 'cheat mate'? Or maybe just befriend him or make him a godfather of your newborn kid? Or will you stick to the original plan of just having pure carnal lust? Attachments beget complications, you know.
8. Maintaining the Secrecy
This one requires one very important factor. And that factor is conscience. The thing is you mustn't have any. How are you suppose to contain your secret if that still small voice keeps on bugging you? It could eat you inside out. The first instance it appears, extinguish it immediately. Because if you don't, you might soon find yourself wide awake at nights, thinking of the wrongdoing you've done. That is one sure way to lose some weight, I tell you.
Also, there is a possibility for your secret to remain undiscovered until your confession on your deathbed if you'll follow two important things. First is if you inform your cheating partner about your current relationship, as I said in number 3. At least, he would understand the situation better because he's aware of the fact that he's an accomplice. Second is if you avoid any attachments whatsoever, as I stated in number 6. It wouldn't be wise to multiply the black thread that connects you to him. It would be best if you keep it minimum.
9. The Choice for Repetition
Permanence versus transience. Did you enjoy it so much that you would like to do it again? You aren't satisfied with doing it only once? Oh, okay, you picked the first of the two then. Maybe next time, you could do it bolder or more creative. One day, you could become the king of all cheaters, with a crown made out of dildos and a silicon cape made from recycled condoms.
There you have it! I hope you'll find the above as useful as an atlas in an old, dusty library. If you're gonna, then use this well.
Before I end this though, please let me ask you a couple of questions... First, are you willing to do so much effort just to have a taste of another meat, which could either be different than or the same of what you're currently having? I'm telling you, the former might either be better or worse than the latter. It's trial and error, which is kind of a gamble. Second, can you really put your relationship on the line for something risky like that? Hypothetically, do you think it would be worth it?
If one of your answers is a no, then you better think twice. You may not be that kind of person. It would be best if you'll have a talk with your partner. Be open; discuss your thoughts and feelings. There might be a way for you to fix this—to banish your urges to cheat—with his help. Right the wrongs. Your relationship might have several rusted hinges that need some greasing. Who knows, this may even strengthen your relationship. As per the popular motto, honesty is the best policy.
If your answers are all yes, then go ahead. Enjoy it until you're full. Just remember one thing though, be responsible for everything you'll do. If you are caught, then be a fucking man. God gave you a pair of balls for a purpose; this is a perfect time to use them. Don't put the blame on something or someone else other than yourself. Nothing is worse than a wimp who cannot own up to his awful actions. Prostitutes are of much greater respect than these cowardly cheaters. And also, if you can still feel an ounce of guilt from your already-burning soul, ask for forgiveness. Don't you dare be the one who would even have the guts to be proud, you bastard. You hurt someone, particularly a person who loves you. They deserve some remorse from you; show it in one way or another. If you cannot, then I hope you'll perish in hell for all eternity.
Anyway, happy cheating! Or not...
"I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating." ~ Sophocles
All of us have the tendency to cheat, one way or another. I dunno, that is just one of the many baseless assumptions I have in life. I feel like this is something that's innate in human behavior; an itch that can be controlled; an impulse that could be overrode; and an internal battle that can be won. All depending on one's sheer willpower.
Cheating, according to Ninjawords, is an act of deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition.
It may come in different forms; copying or utilizing a hidden note during examinations, rigging an election, submitting a plagiarized work as your own, falsifying crucial information, a dirty move in a match, manipulating cards in poker, using cheat codes in a video game, relying on the help of steroids as a strength enhancer during a sporting event, and many more. Some of these are light and only merit a disqualification or the like, while some are gravely punishable by law.
However, for this entry, I will tackle its involvement in romantic relationships.
Like its other forms, it is pretty much frowned upon. Although this isn't punishable by imprisonment—it is neither considered illegal nor criminal—most people consider it an abhorrent thing to commit. Aside from physical and verbal abuse, it is one of the worst things you can do to your partner. Being cheated on is very painful, you wouldn't believe the agony you'll experience from the nasty betrayal.
Before I continue, you may find the following as something detestable. I may not be very sure why I wrote this—maybe I would like to compose something different or something new that's never written before—but I warned you at the beginning, this is not for everyone. If you are expecting that I will criticize or malign cheating, well I'm sorry, but you are incorrect. Now, don't get me wrong here. I, myself, don't support cheating. I just think that if that is someone's cup of tea, then let them be, as long as it's their life alone that's being ruined. Live and let live, in other words. Well, unless it is being done to you directly, then I believe you should better go into berserk and kill some motherfuckers.
Well, it seems I have stretched out the introduction for too long... Therefore, without further ado, I present to you:
How to Effectively Cheat in a Relationship
1. Pick A Medium
Prior to starting your sinful fling, you should first, of course, find someone willing for a coitus. Where to look for it though? Through online dating sites? Inside dark bathhouses or seedy massage parlors? At the back of a bus? Among the tight crowd inside the MRT? Or in a dirty public restroom? The choices are numerous. The ballsier you could be, the hotter the encounter you might get in return.
Are you going for a carefully measured plan or just go with whatever fate's going to throw at you?
2. Formulate the Ideal Partner-in-Crime
What's your preferred 'fling mate'? A top or a bottom? Do you require an absolute hottie or would you just settle for someone average? A twink or a beefcake? Pick your preferred race, skin color, height, and weight. How about fetishes? A daddy perhaps? Someone married? Or maybe a high school or a college student?
Or will you rather go for anyone who's simply there, currently within your line of sight? Just go with the flow, to put it simply.
3. Informed Consent
Would you tell your chosen partner that you, as of this moment, are in a relationship with someone else? Or will you spare him the knowledge and just keep your mouths busy with kissing, licking, sucking, and moaning? Remember, no one fancies to look like a fool. Well, except for clowns maybe.
4. The Conducive Space
Your place or his? Oh, both are not possible? How about if you rent a motel room? Hmmm, too shy eh? Outdoors then? Or some concealed public place? Well, choose wisely. The best venue is somewhere you could do everything uninterrupted in full gear.
5. The Right Moment
Boyfriend is currently on an out-of-town trip? Or maybe he's at work or busy with an important activity or two? Timing is everything; it should be impeccable. Provide a sensible alibi, if necessary, to reinforce his trust in you. It's better to be safe than sorry. You wouldn't want to get caught red-handed, would you?
6. Safe or Bareback? Spit or Swallow?
Planning on entering the exit-door? Do it safe; use a condom.
Just oral sex? Do it safe; spit, don't swallow.
Nothing could bum your boyfriend out better than him discovering that you gave him an STD which you caught from someone else. Worse is if it's HIV. If that will happen to me, I'll kill you. No, seriously, who wouldn't?
7. The Other Ingredient
Would you like to mix in deeper romantic emotions? Are you going to take it to the next level by developing some feelings for your 'cheat mate'? Or maybe just befriend him or make him a godfather of your newborn kid? Or will you stick to the original plan of just having pure carnal lust? Attachments beget complications, you know.
8. Maintaining the Secrecy
This one requires one very important factor. And that factor is conscience. The thing is you mustn't have any. How are you suppose to contain your secret if that still small voice keeps on bugging you? It could eat you inside out. The first instance it appears, extinguish it immediately. Because if you don't, you might soon find yourself wide awake at nights, thinking of the wrongdoing you've done. That is one sure way to lose some weight, I tell you.
Also, there is a possibility for your secret to remain undiscovered until your confession on your deathbed if you'll follow two important things. First is if you inform your cheating partner about your current relationship, as I said in number 3. At least, he would understand the situation better because he's aware of the fact that he's an accomplice. Second is if you avoid any attachments whatsoever, as I stated in number 6. It wouldn't be wise to multiply the black thread that connects you to him. It would be best if you keep it minimum.
9. The Choice for Repetition
Permanence versus transience. Did you enjoy it so much that you would like to do it again? You aren't satisfied with doing it only once? Oh, okay, you picked the first of the two then. Maybe next time, you could do it bolder or more creative. One day, you could become the king of all cheaters, with a crown made out of dildos and a silicon cape made from recycled condoms.
***
There you have it! I hope you'll find the above as useful as an atlas in an old, dusty library. If you're gonna, then use this well.
Before I end this though, please let me ask you a couple of questions... First, are you willing to do so much effort just to have a taste of another meat, which could either be different than or the same of what you're currently having? I'm telling you, the former might either be better or worse than the latter. It's trial and error, which is kind of a gamble. Second, can you really put your relationship on the line for something risky like that? Hypothetically, do you think it would be worth it?
If one of your answers is a no, then you better think twice. You may not be that kind of person. It would be best if you'll have a talk with your partner. Be open; discuss your thoughts and feelings. There might be a way for you to fix this—to banish your urges to cheat—with his help. Right the wrongs. Your relationship might have several rusted hinges that need some greasing. Who knows, this may even strengthen your relationship. As per the popular motto, honesty is the best policy.
If your answers are all yes, then go ahead. Enjoy it until you're full. Just remember one thing though, be responsible for everything you'll do. If you are caught, then be a fucking man. God gave you a pair of balls for a purpose; this is a perfect time to use them. Don't put the blame on something or someone else other than yourself. Nothing is worse than a wimp who cannot own up to his awful actions. Prostitutes are of much greater respect than these cowardly cheaters. And also, if you can still feel an ounce of guilt from your already-burning soul, ask for forgiveness. Don't you dare be the one who would even have the guts to be proud, you bastard. You hurt someone, particularly a person who loves you. They deserve some remorse from you; show it in one way or another. If you cannot, then I hope you'll perish in hell for all eternity.
Anyway, happy cheating! Or not...
"I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating." ~ Sophocles
Friday, October 18, 2013
Building Blocks And Other Shiznits
Kung magmamahal ka man, 'wag mo ibibigay ang lahat. Yung sakto lang.
Madalas ko 'yan marinig, ngunit hindi ko sinusunod. Ewan ko ba, matigas lang talaga ang ulo ko. Kapag tinanong mo ang nanay ko, hindi magdadalawang-isip yun sa pagsang-ayon.
<Commencing Pa-Deep Mode>
Kung magmamahal ka man, matuto kang kumilatis, suriin mo siyang mabuti, at kung may tiwala ka sa hatol mo, doon mo ibuhos ang nararapat, ang lahat ng kaya mo. Hindi ka karapat-dapat magmahal kung hindi mo ito kayang paghirapan; kung wala kang kakayahan na magdusa para dito. Ang tunay na nagmamahal, hinding-hindi nakakalimutan ang masalimuot na mukha ng pag-ibig.
Ituring mo ito na parang isang sugal. May panalo, may talo. Kung magwagi ka man sa unang subok, binabati kita, ang swerte mo. Beginner's luck, ika nga. Kung kabiguan ang ending mo, matuto ka mula sa iyong pagkakamali. Sigurado, sa susunod mong taya, mas alam mo na kung paano ang diskarte.
'Yan ang prinsipyong ginamit ko sa iyo nung una kitang makilala. Pinag-aralan kita. Inalam ko ang mga posibilidad na pwede nating kahantungan. Sumugal ako.
Mabuti na lang, ako'y pinalad. Kaya iprinisinta ko sa'yo ang lahat ng kaya kong ibigay.
Di na bago sa'yo ang katotohan na marami akong hirap na dinaanan, mapunta lamang tayo sa kung ano tayo ngayon. Meron akong mga sinakripisyo, may mga nagawa akong pagkakamali. Naging dahilan ako ng ilang pag-aaway natin. At alam ko na ganoon ka rin naman. Hindi naman magtatagal ang isang relasyon kung isa lang ang palaging kumikilos; teamwork kaya 'to. Kaya congratulations sa atin! Nagawa nating umabot sa ganito. At hanggang ngayon, kinakaya pa din natin.
<Pa-Deep Mode Completed>
Wala talaga akong kwenta kapag pinipilit maging malalim no? Pagpasensyahan na, trying hard lang... Well, at least sinubukan! *hmpf*
Maiba lang ako.
Nagtataka din ako minsan kung paano natin nagagawang makisalamuha sa isa't isa. Ang dami kaya nating pagkakaiba! Alam mo din yan di ba? Huh, nakalimutan mo na? *tsk tsk* Heto, ipapaalala ko sayo.
~Ulyanin ka, malakas pa ang memorya ko.
~Magaling ka umawit, madalas akong sintunado.
~Demure ka sa kama, wild naman ako.
~Bundok at gubat ang kinalakhan mo, siyudad at polusyon ang nakasanayan ko.
~Hardcore sa sarap ang mga lutuin mo, samantalang ako, magaling lang kumain.
~Masipag ka sa gawain bahay, ubod naman ako ng tamad.
~Wawents ka magbigay ng surpresa. Hindi ka marunong. Daig pa kita.
~Mahaba ang pasensya mo, alam mo kung gaano kaikli ang sa akin.
~Kapag nanonood tayo ng horror movie, halos naka-glue na sa screen ang mga mata ko, pero ikaw, nangingig sa tabi ko habang nakakapit sa bisig ko.
~Lumaki kang sanay sa putik, ako naman, diring-diri dito.
~Great listener at good advisor ka, may ADHD ako.
~Madalas kang gala. Alam mo ang pasikot-sikot ng mundo. Madalas din naman akong lumabas ng bahay. Ang problema lang, madali ako mawala. Mahina kasi ako sa geography.
~Matalino kang mag-handle ng pera; masinop at matipid. Pero ako, gastador at impulse buyer. *huhu*
~Top ka, bottom ako.
Oi! Yung huli kasinungalingan yun ha! Asa pa.
Teka, pansin ko lang, base sa mga nakalista sa itaas, parang lugi ka ata sa akin? Di kaya? Buti di ka pa nauuntog. Napakatibay talaga ng helmet na pinasuot ko sayo ah... Pero sabi nga sa isang sikat na movie na may cliche na quote, you complete me. Kaya siguro natatagalan pa kita. Ay este, 'mo pa ako' pala. *hahaha!* Sabay ngiti ng abot tenga oh.
Don't worry. Meron pa rin naman tayong pagkakatulad. Heto sila oh.
~Parehas tayong mahilig sa mahabang foreplay.
~Mahilig tayong manood ng movies and foreign television shows.
~Love natin ang mga musicals.
~We both have great friends.
~Supportive lagi tayo sa isa't-isa.
~Big deal ang pamilya sa ating dalawa.
At marami pang iba, tinatamad lang ako i-enumerate lahat. Pero I'm sure, mas mahaba dapat ang list na 'to kaysa dun sa nauna. Pramis. Mamatay man mga kurakot sa Senado.
Shangaps, naalala mo 'yung kwento ko sayo tungkol sa mga magulang ko? Magkababata sila, magkapitbahay. Hanggang magdalaga at magbinata sila, palagi nilang nakikita ang bawat isa. Si Papa, matalino't masipag na ginoo, pero barumbado't siga rin ng kanto. Si Mama, mahinhin na babae, kaso pagdating sa sugal, akala mo may PhD. First love nila ang isa't-isa, hanggang sa naging magjowa sila. Si Papa, animo'y maamong tuta kapag kasama si mudra. Umiiwas sa trobol, daig pa ang anghel. Si Mama naman, itinigil na ang bisyo sa Tong-Its. Kuntento na lang sa audience participation. *sigh* The sacrifices you do for love. Mahaba ang naging prusisyon ng relasyon nila. Kaya ang ending, sa simbahan din natuloy... 24 years later, ayun, sila pa rin. At hanggang ngayon, talo pa nila ang magsyotang high school students. Madalas nakakatuwa, minsan nakakaumay na.
Ang sweet no? Bilib ako sa kanila at naa-accomplish nila ang ganoon. Biruin mo, mula pagkabata? At first pa nila ang isa't-isa? Rare na ang ganyan ngayon sa mga straight relationships, paano pa kaya sa gaya natin? Parang sapul sa buwan na lamang. Tatagal kaya tayo ng ganon? Ano sa tingin mo? Well, I want to be optimistic. Mahirap, pero posible.
Paiba-iba ba ako ng topic? Seryoso akong nagsimula, pero patagal ng patagal ay naging sabaw na. Sorry naman.
Di ko na papahabain pa to. Baka mabatukan mo na ako. Alam kong mababasa mo ito. At kung mangyari man 'yon, itikom mo lang ang bibig mo, nangangamoy eh. *hahaha!* Biro lang. Ito naman... Kiss na lang kita. Yung torrid at wet, oks lang?
Pero seryoso, gusto kong magpasalamat. Sa lahat lahat. Hindi ako magsasawang gawin 'yan kasi ikaw ay isang constant na blessing sa buhay ko. Oha!
Hindi ko na sasabihin pa ang mga salitang halos araw-araw mo namang naririnig mula sa akin. Alam mo na din 'yon. Okie? See you later, alligator! *mwahugs!*
Madalas ko 'yan marinig, ngunit hindi ko sinusunod. Ewan ko ba, matigas lang talaga ang ulo ko. Kapag tinanong mo ang nanay ko, hindi magdadalawang-isip yun sa pagsang-ayon.
<Commencing Pa-Deep Mode>
Kung magmamahal ka man, matuto kang kumilatis, suriin mo siyang mabuti, at kung may tiwala ka sa hatol mo, doon mo ibuhos ang nararapat, ang lahat ng kaya mo. Hindi ka karapat-dapat magmahal kung hindi mo ito kayang paghirapan; kung wala kang kakayahan na magdusa para dito. Ang tunay na nagmamahal, hinding-hindi nakakalimutan ang masalimuot na mukha ng pag-ibig.
Ituring mo ito na parang isang sugal. May panalo, may talo. Kung magwagi ka man sa unang subok, binabati kita, ang swerte mo. Beginner's luck, ika nga. Kung kabiguan ang ending mo, matuto ka mula sa iyong pagkakamali. Sigurado, sa susunod mong taya, mas alam mo na kung paano ang diskarte.
'Yan ang prinsipyong ginamit ko sa iyo nung una kitang makilala. Pinag-aralan kita. Inalam ko ang mga posibilidad na pwede nating kahantungan. Sumugal ako.
Mabuti na lang, ako'y pinalad. Kaya iprinisinta ko sa'yo ang lahat ng kaya kong ibigay.
Di na bago sa'yo ang katotohan na marami akong hirap na dinaanan, mapunta lamang tayo sa kung ano tayo ngayon. Meron akong mga sinakripisyo, may mga nagawa akong pagkakamali. Naging dahilan ako ng ilang pag-aaway natin. At alam ko na ganoon ka rin naman. Hindi naman magtatagal ang isang relasyon kung isa lang ang palaging kumikilos; teamwork kaya 'to. Kaya congratulations sa atin! Nagawa nating umabot sa ganito. At hanggang ngayon, kinakaya pa din natin.
<Pa-Deep Mode Completed>
Wala talaga akong kwenta kapag pinipilit maging malalim no? Pagpasensyahan na, trying hard lang... Well, at least sinubukan! *hmpf*
Maiba lang ako.
Nagtataka din ako minsan kung paano natin nagagawang makisalamuha sa isa't isa. Ang dami kaya nating pagkakaiba! Alam mo din yan di ba? Huh, nakalimutan mo na? *tsk tsk* Heto, ipapaalala ko sayo.
~Ulyanin ka, malakas pa ang memorya ko.
~Magaling ka umawit, madalas akong sintunado.
~Demure ka sa kama, wild naman ako.
~Bundok at gubat ang kinalakhan mo, siyudad at polusyon ang nakasanayan ko.
~Hardcore sa sarap ang mga lutuin mo, samantalang ako, magaling lang kumain.
~Masipag ka sa gawain bahay, ubod naman ako ng tamad.
~Wawents ka magbigay ng surpresa. Hindi ka marunong. Daig pa kita.
~Mahaba ang pasensya mo, alam mo kung gaano kaikli ang sa akin.
~Kapag nanonood tayo ng horror movie, halos naka-glue na sa screen ang mga mata ko, pero ikaw, nangingig sa tabi ko habang nakakapit sa bisig ko.
~Lumaki kang sanay sa putik, ako naman, diring-diri dito.
~Great listener at good advisor ka, may ADHD ako.
~Madalas kang gala. Alam mo ang pasikot-sikot ng mundo. Madalas din naman akong lumabas ng bahay. Ang problema lang, madali ako mawala. Mahina kasi ako sa geography.
~Matalino kang mag-handle ng pera; masinop at matipid. Pero ako, gastador at impulse buyer. *huhu*
~Top ka, bottom ako.
Oi! Yung huli kasinungalingan yun ha! Asa pa.
Teka, pansin ko lang, base sa mga nakalista sa itaas, parang lugi ka ata sa akin? Di kaya? Buti di ka pa nauuntog. Napakatibay talaga ng helmet na pinasuot ko sayo ah... Pero sabi nga sa isang sikat na movie na may cliche na quote, you complete me. Kaya siguro natatagalan pa kita. Ay este, 'mo pa ako' pala. *hahaha!* Sabay ngiti ng abot tenga oh.
Don't worry. Meron pa rin naman tayong pagkakatulad. Heto sila oh.
~Parehas tayong mahilig sa mahabang foreplay.
~Mahilig tayong manood ng movies and foreign television shows.
~Love natin ang mga musicals.
~We both have great friends.
~Supportive lagi tayo sa isa't-isa.
~Big deal ang pamilya sa ating dalawa.
At marami pang iba, tinatamad lang ako i-enumerate lahat. Pero I'm sure, mas mahaba dapat ang list na 'to kaysa dun sa nauna. Pramis. Mamatay man mga kurakot sa Senado.
Shangaps, naalala mo 'yung kwento ko sayo tungkol sa mga magulang ko? Magkababata sila, magkapitbahay. Hanggang magdalaga at magbinata sila, palagi nilang nakikita ang bawat isa. Si Papa, matalino't masipag na ginoo, pero barumbado't siga rin ng kanto. Si Mama, mahinhin na babae, kaso pagdating sa sugal, akala mo may PhD. First love nila ang isa't-isa, hanggang sa naging magjowa sila. Si Papa, animo'y maamong tuta kapag kasama si mudra. Umiiwas sa trobol, daig pa ang anghel. Si Mama naman, itinigil na ang bisyo sa Tong-Its. Kuntento na lang sa audience participation. *sigh* The sacrifices you do for love. Mahaba ang naging prusisyon ng relasyon nila. Kaya ang ending, sa simbahan din natuloy... 24 years later, ayun, sila pa rin. At hanggang ngayon, talo pa nila ang magsyotang high school students. Madalas nakakatuwa, minsan nakakaumay na.
Ang sweet no? Bilib ako sa kanila at naa-accomplish nila ang ganoon. Biruin mo, mula pagkabata? At first pa nila ang isa't-isa? Rare na ang ganyan ngayon sa mga straight relationships, paano pa kaya sa gaya natin? Parang sapul sa buwan na lamang. Tatagal kaya tayo ng ganon? Ano sa tingin mo? Well, I want to be optimistic. Mahirap, pero posible.
Paiba-iba ba ako ng topic? Seryoso akong nagsimula, pero patagal ng patagal ay naging sabaw na. Sorry naman.
Di ko na papahabain pa to. Baka mabatukan mo na ako. Alam kong mababasa mo ito. At kung mangyari man 'yon, itikom mo lang ang bibig mo, nangangamoy eh. *hahaha!* Biro lang. Ito naman... Kiss na lang kita. Yung torrid at wet, oks lang?
Pero seryoso, gusto kong magpasalamat. Sa lahat lahat. Hindi ako magsasawang gawin 'yan kasi ikaw ay isang constant na blessing sa buhay ko. Oha!
Hindi ko na sasabihin pa ang mga salitang halos araw-araw mo namang naririnig mula sa akin. Alam mo na din 'yon. Okie? See you later, alligator! *mwahugs!*
Saturday, October 12, 2013
A Flashback To That Heartbreaking Evening
The sun had already set when I arrived outside the gate of a beautiful antique house.
Chris was not in his apartment in Pasay, so I decided to check if he already went home in Fairview. I traveled for hours searching for him, asking our friends for information regarding his whereabouts. My calls went unanswered and my text messages were all unreplied. It made me quite mad, so I was prepared to give that stupid bastard a piece of my mind. I wanted to know the reason behind all this shit. I already had an idea, but it would be better to confirm it. I was afraid that this might get out of hand if I didn't act quickly.
"Chriiiiis!" I called, twice.
A pretty woman peeked through the door, asking who I was.
"Ay tita, good evening po. Nandyan po ba si Chris?" I asked.
"Geosef? Oh, ikaw pala yan. Nandito sa loob. Halika, pasok ka," she invited.
"Naku, hindi rin po ako masyadong magtatagal. May importante lang po akong ibibigay kay Chris," I lied.
"Ah, ganon ba. Sige, teka lang ha. Tawagin ko lang siya," she said.
He made me wait for several minutes more. I'm an impatient person, so I was already fuming when he finally went out. He approached me quietly, avoiding my gaze. I noticed a bad bruise at his right temple; the details of how he got it flashed back in my memory. I felt a pang of guilt.
"Tol, mag-usap nga tayo," I started, "Ano bang problema?"
"Dapat hindi ka na nagpunta dito. Tsaka na tayo mag-usap. Umuwi ka na," he said rather coldly.
He turned and began to walk back inside. I grabbed the back of his shirt and didn't let go, not until we had fixed this mess.
"Wag mo kong tatalikuran Chris! Sinadya pa kita dito. Kanina pa ko nagtitimpi, kaya utang na loob, sabihin mo na sa 'kin kung bakit ka nag-iinarte," I said, in a very serious tone.
He gave me the coldest look I have ever seen. It was full of hatred. I knew, at that very moment, he was fighting the urge to punch me hard. I didn't let myself be intimidated by that, so I also gave him a very sharp stare, ready to start hitting him if he initiated. Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and dragged me across the street, away from their gate.
"Putanginamo pala Sepsep eh! After ng ginawa mo kagabi, may gana ka pang magpakita? Ang kapal din apog mo no?" he hissed.
"Putanginamo din! Hindi mo alam kung ano talaga ang nangyari!" I hissed back.
"Anong hindi? Ginapang mo ako, gago! Sinamantala mo ang pagkakataon habang lasing ako at namomroblema kay Jess! Hindi ka na naawa sa akin... Nakakadiri kang bakla ka! May balak ka pang hawaan ako!" he vented out, slightly raising his voice, "Wala akong idea, may pagnanasa ka pala sa 'kin! Kelan pa yan ha? Kaya ba pinilit mong maging ka-partner ako? Shit! Pasalamat ka't napipigil ko pa ang sarili ko na hindi ka patikimin ng kamao ko, which is dapat kanina ko pa ginawa!"
I was dumbfounded. I had thought of this scenario hours ago. Although I already expected he would say that, hearing it for real was still very shocking... And heartbreaking.
"Ang taas pa naman ng tingin ko sayo. Alam ba ng mga brod mo yang tungkol sa kabadingan mo? Ha?" he continued his taunts while pointing a finger in front of my face.
This fueled my anger, bringing me back to my composure, so I snapped, "Gago ka din! Makinig ka kasi muna, para ma-realize mo yang kabobohan mo!"
Before he can answer, I continued, "Walang nangyari sa ating dalawa! Wala!"
That struck him. It was evident in his face. That was something he hoped for, it seemed, even if it was just a tiny shred.
"Sigurado ka ba? Naalala ko yung hinahalikan mo ako..." he said, sounding unsure.
"Oo nga, pero---" I began.
"Eh di totoo nga! Itatago mo pa eh!" he interjected.
"Pwede bang patapusin mo muna ako? Pucha naman Chris oh! Napipikon na talaga ako ha!" I hissed.
He became silent, but his eyes were still as cold as ice, intently focused on me.
"Ganito ang totoong nangyari. Nung maubos natin ang alak, wasted ka na, nakahiga ka na at nakatingin lang sa kawalan. Ako naman, lasing na din, kaya tumabi na ako sayo. Naalala mo?" I asked.
He nodded.
"Tapos pumikit na ako gawa ng antok. Patulog na ako nung naramdaman kong bigla kang gumalaw paharap sa akin. The next thing I know, hinahalikan mo na ako ng torrid," I continued.
"Ako unang humalik sayo?! Ginagago mo ba ako? Hindi ako bakla!" he reasoned, wide-eyed.
"At bakit naman kita gagaguhin? Nagsasabi ako ng totoo! At alam kong hindi ka bakla. Lumuluha ka pa habang hinahalikan ako... Alam kong si Jess ang nasa isip mo at nadadala ka lang ng alak... Alam naman nating gumagawa ka ng kung ano-ano kapag lasing di ba? Di naman bago yon," I explained.
He looked confused, so he asked, "Teka, eh bakit ka gumanti ng halik imbes na pigilan mo ako? Don't tell me na-imagine mo din ako na kung sinong babae?"
I sighed, then smirked.
"Believe me, ginawa ko ang lahat para pigilan ka. Kaso masyado kang malakas, at nanghihina na ako gawa ng alak. Tapos dinaganan mo pa ako..." I answered, "Pero ang dahilan talaga kaya humalik na din ako ay dahil tama ka, bakla nga ako..."
"Pero!" I continued, before he can interrupt me again, "Hindi ako bakla na gaya ng iniisip mo. Wala akong pagtingin sayo; hindi kita gusto. Kaibigan lang ang turing ko sayo. Nadala lang ako ng putapeteng Gran Matador na yan; na ikaw din naman ang may kasalanan kasi ikaw ang nagdala! Aaminin ko nag-enjoy ako kaya lumaban na din ako ng halik... Pero lasing lang ako. Kung nasa tamang huwisyo lang ako, di kita papatusin no."
I know that was a lie, but I couldn't bring myself to divulge my true feelings towards him. Not this time. It wasn't the right moment. Or better yet, there will never be a right moment. Our friendship was practically ruined because of this, as well as my chances.
"Pagkatapos? Hinubaran mo na ako?" he asked.
"Asa ka pa. Ikaw naghubad sa sarili mo. Ang bilis mo nga eh. Parang three seconds lang, natanggal mo na yung shirt at pants mo," I revealed.
"Shit... Tapos tsaka mo ko chinupa?" he snarled.
"Di ba sabi ko sayo na walang nangyari? Kulit mo din no?" I said, slightly laughing, "Habang nagtatanggal ka ng damit mo, nakaramdam ako ng urge na sumuka. Ramdam ko na sa esophagus ko eh, kaya tinulak kita. Kaso ikaw, hayok na hayok. Dinaganan mo ulit ako bago mo pa mahubad yung underwear mo."
He looked bewildered, so I continued, "Ayaw kong magsuka sa kama ko, at ayaw mo din naman akong tigilan. Kaya ang ginawa ko, kinuha ko lahat ng natitira kong lakas, tapos binigyan kita ng isang malakas na suntok. Ayan oh, kaya may pasa ka diyan... Nung gumulong ka, tsaka ako tumakbo papunta sa banyo. Pagkatapos ko ilabas lahat ng kinain at ininom ko, nahimasmasan na ako ng kaunti. Nung bumalik ako sa kama, humihilik ka na... Hindi ko alam kung nakatulog ka dahil sa kamao ko, o dahil sa kalasingan... Hinang-hina na ako, kaya kinumutan na lang kita bago ako nakatulog... Naintindihan mo na?"
He didin't answer. It was obvious that he was still skeptic after hearing my story, but he believed me nonetheless. He looked pretty embarrassed as well, fidgeting as he continue to comprehend what I just told him.
Chris was not in his apartment in Pasay, so I decided to check if he already went home in Fairview. I traveled for hours searching for him, asking our friends for information regarding his whereabouts. My calls went unanswered and my text messages were all unreplied. It made me quite mad, so I was prepared to give that stupid bastard a piece of my mind. I wanted to know the reason behind all this shit. I already had an idea, but it would be better to confirm it. I was afraid that this might get out of hand if I didn't act quickly.
"Chriiiiis!" I called, twice.
A pretty woman peeked through the door, asking who I was.
"Ay tita, good evening po. Nandyan po ba si Chris?" I asked.
"Geosef? Oh, ikaw pala yan. Nandito sa loob. Halika, pasok ka," she invited.
"Naku, hindi rin po ako masyadong magtatagal. May importante lang po akong ibibigay kay Chris," I lied.
"Ah, ganon ba. Sige, teka lang ha. Tawagin ko lang siya," she said.
He made me wait for several minutes more. I'm an impatient person, so I was already fuming when he finally went out. He approached me quietly, avoiding my gaze. I noticed a bad bruise at his right temple; the details of how he got it flashed back in my memory. I felt a pang of guilt.
"Tol, mag-usap nga tayo," I started, "Ano bang problema?"
"Dapat hindi ka na nagpunta dito. Tsaka na tayo mag-usap. Umuwi ka na," he said rather coldly.
He turned and began to walk back inside. I grabbed the back of his shirt and didn't let go, not until we had fixed this mess.
"Wag mo kong tatalikuran Chris! Sinadya pa kita dito. Kanina pa ko nagtitimpi, kaya utang na loob, sabihin mo na sa 'kin kung bakit ka nag-iinarte," I said, in a very serious tone.
He gave me the coldest look I have ever seen. It was full of hatred. I knew, at that very moment, he was fighting the urge to punch me hard. I didn't let myself be intimidated by that, so I also gave him a very sharp stare, ready to start hitting him if he initiated. Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and dragged me across the street, away from their gate.
"Putanginamo pala Sepsep eh! After ng ginawa mo kagabi, may gana ka pang magpakita? Ang kapal din apog mo no?" he hissed.
"Putanginamo din! Hindi mo alam kung ano talaga ang nangyari!" I hissed back.
"Anong hindi? Ginapang mo ako, gago! Sinamantala mo ang pagkakataon habang lasing ako at namomroblema kay Jess! Hindi ka na naawa sa akin... Nakakadiri kang bakla ka! May balak ka pang hawaan ako!" he vented out, slightly raising his voice, "Wala akong idea, may pagnanasa ka pala sa 'kin! Kelan pa yan ha? Kaya ba pinilit mong maging ka-partner ako? Shit! Pasalamat ka't napipigil ko pa ang sarili ko na hindi ka patikimin ng kamao ko, which is dapat kanina ko pa ginawa!"
I was dumbfounded. I had thought of this scenario hours ago. Although I already expected he would say that, hearing it for real was still very shocking... And heartbreaking.
"Ang taas pa naman ng tingin ko sayo. Alam ba ng mga brod mo yang tungkol sa kabadingan mo? Ha?" he continued his taunts while pointing a finger in front of my face.
This fueled my anger, bringing me back to my composure, so I snapped, "Gago ka din! Makinig ka kasi muna, para ma-realize mo yang kabobohan mo!"
Before he can answer, I continued, "Walang nangyari sa ating dalawa! Wala!"
That struck him. It was evident in his face. That was something he hoped for, it seemed, even if it was just a tiny shred.
"Sigurado ka ba? Naalala ko yung hinahalikan mo ako..." he said, sounding unsure.
"Oo nga, pero---" I began.
"Eh di totoo nga! Itatago mo pa eh!" he interjected.
"Pwede bang patapusin mo muna ako? Pucha naman Chris oh! Napipikon na talaga ako ha!" I hissed.
He became silent, but his eyes were still as cold as ice, intently focused on me.
"Ganito ang totoong nangyari. Nung maubos natin ang alak, wasted ka na, nakahiga ka na at nakatingin lang sa kawalan. Ako naman, lasing na din, kaya tumabi na ako sayo. Naalala mo?" I asked.
He nodded.
"Tapos pumikit na ako gawa ng antok. Patulog na ako nung naramdaman kong bigla kang gumalaw paharap sa akin. The next thing I know, hinahalikan mo na ako ng torrid," I continued.
"Ako unang humalik sayo?! Ginagago mo ba ako? Hindi ako bakla!" he reasoned, wide-eyed.
"At bakit naman kita gagaguhin? Nagsasabi ako ng totoo! At alam kong hindi ka bakla. Lumuluha ka pa habang hinahalikan ako... Alam kong si Jess ang nasa isip mo at nadadala ka lang ng alak... Alam naman nating gumagawa ka ng kung ano-ano kapag lasing di ba? Di naman bago yon," I explained.
He looked confused, so he asked, "Teka, eh bakit ka gumanti ng halik imbes na pigilan mo ako? Don't tell me na-imagine mo din ako na kung sinong babae?"
I sighed, then smirked.
"Believe me, ginawa ko ang lahat para pigilan ka. Kaso masyado kang malakas, at nanghihina na ako gawa ng alak. Tapos dinaganan mo pa ako..." I answered, "Pero ang dahilan talaga kaya humalik na din ako ay dahil tama ka, bakla nga ako..."
"Pero!" I continued, before he can interrupt me again, "Hindi ako bakla na gaya ng iniisip mo. Wala akong pagtingin sayo; hindi kita gusto. Kaibigan lang ang turing ko sayo. Nadala lang ako ng putapeteng Gran Matador na yan; na ikaw din naman ang may kasalanan kasi ikaw ang nagdala! Aaminin ko nag-enjoy ako kaya lumaban na din ako ng halik... Pero lasing lang ako. Kung nasa tamang huwisyo lang ako, di kita papatusin no."
I know that was a lie, but I couldn't bring myself to divulge my true feelings towards him. Not this time. It wasn't the right moment. Or better yet, there will never be a right moment. Our friendship was practically ruined because of this, as well as my chances.
"Pagkatapos? Hinubaran mo na ako?" he asked.
"Asa ka pa. Ikaw naghubad sa sarili mo. Ang bilis mo nga eh. Parang three seconds lang, natanggal mo na yung shirt at pants mo," I revealed.
"Shit... Tapos tsaka mo ko chinupa?" he snarled.
"Di ba sabi ko sayo na walang nangyari? Kulit mo din no?" I said, slightly laughing, "Habang nagtatanggal ka ng damit mo, nakaramdam ako ng urge na sumuka. Ramdam ko na sa esophagus ko eh, kaya tinulak kita. Kaso ikaw, hayok na hayok. Dinaganan mo ulit ako bago mo pa mahubad yung underwear mo."
He looked bewildered, so I continued, "Ayaw kong magsuka sa kama ko, at ayaw mo din naman akong tigilan. Kaya ang ginawa ko, kinuha ko lahat ng natitira kong lakas, tapos binigyan kita ng isang malakas na suntok. Ayan oh, kaya may pasa ka diyan... Nung gumulong ka, tsaka ako tumakbo papunta sa banyo. Pagkatapos ko ilabas lahat ng kinain at ininom ko, nahimasmasan na ako ng kaunti. Nung bumalik ako sa kama, humihilik ka na... Hindi ko alam kung nakatulog ka dahil sa kamao ko, o dahil sa kalasingan... Hinang-hina na ako, kaya kinumutan na lang kita bago ako nakatulog... Naintindihan mo na?"
He didin't answer. It was obvious that he was still skeptic after hearing my story, but he believed me nonetheless. He looked pretty embarrassed as well, fidgeting as he continue to comprehend what I just told him.
I started to calm down. It was worth it, seeing his face as he realized the truth, as well as his mistake. I felt better. In a way, I was able to get back at him for ruining my weekend, the start of our semester break. If it wasn't for him, I would've been at home by now, enjoying the company of my family, instead of standing there, trying to save our friendship, which was pointless because it was already fucked up, all thanks to him.
"Ngayon, uuwi na ako para makapagpahinga. Pakiramdam ko may hangover pa rin ko... Na lumala ata dahil dito sa ginawa mo..." I said as I began to walk away.
After several quick steps, I heard him shout my name, but I just ignored him.
"Ngayon, uuwi na ako para makapagpahinga. Pakiramdam ko may hangover pa rin ko... Na lumala ata dahil dito sa ginawa mo..." I said as I began to walk away.
After several quick steps, I heard him shout my name, but I just ignored him.
The saddest thing was he never ran after me.
***
Author's Note: When the next semester began, things became extremely awkward and more difficult because of our conflict, so Chris and I finally made our peace. Well, we had to; we were partners in our hospital duties. However, our closeness was significantly diminished. We made a pact to keep the incident a secret, including my homosexuality. Little by little, my love for him began to wane. I learned to detach him from my mind, until I no longer care about him. The last time I heard of news about Chris, one of our friends said that he had already migrated to New York. I looked him up several times in Facebook, but I never had the courage to click his 'Add Friend' button.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
A Flashback To That Chilly Morning
I was awakened by the coldness of the room, gasping for air.
It was still a bit dark; the sun was yet to rise. I felt groggy. Hangover. Tangina. I sat up and examined my surroundings. Sepsep was lying facedown next to me. His shirt was stained with vomit and a pool of saliva was drooling from his mouth. I chuckled. He looked very wasted.
It was still a bit dark; the sun was yet to rise. I felt groggy. Hangover. Tangina. I sat up and examined my surroundings. Sepsep was lying facedown next to me. His shirt was stained with vomit and a pool of saliva was drooling from his mouth. I chuckled. He looked very wasted.
Suddenly, a blinding pain emanated from my right temple. I touched it and flinched. Pasa? Nauntog ba ko?
Then, I realized something was off. I removed the blanket covering me and I saw that I was stripped down to my underwear. My morning wood was bulging. Pucha, bakit wala akong damit? Kaya pala ang ginaw... What's more odd was the way I was wearing my briefs. The left side was lowered, exposing some of my pubic hair. I stood up and searched for my clothes, which I found scattered on the floor.
I glanced at Sepsep as I put my clothes on. I noticed that he, on the other hand, was fully dressed. It was so confusing. *ugh* Ano bang nangyari kagabi? Pinag-tripan ba ko ng mokong na to?
I tried to jog my memory about yesternight's events. I remembered crying, yes. I also remembered being wrestled. And lastly, I remembered kissing Jess. It was a very passionate kiss. One of the best I had. Pero paano? Pumunta ba si Jess dito after namin uminom? Ang weird. Imposible yun kasi nasa probinsya siya ngayon...
I checked the bathroom, foolishly hoping to see her inside. It was empty. Takte. Sinong hinalikan ko? Panaginip lang ba yon? Pero hindi... Totoo yun eh. Tandang-tanda ko pa yung naramdaman ko...
I stared once more at my sleeping friend, thinking hard. Then, an epiphany came. I found myself stepping backward, wide-eyed as I fully realized what really occurred. It was baffling. It was unbelievable... Or rather I refused to believe it. I felt my knees weakened as beads of cold sweat traveled down my face. Hinalikan nya ako! Sinamantala nya ang kalasingan ko... Si Sepsep, bakla? May nangyari ba samin bukod dun? Kaya ba ako nakahubad? Putangina! Chinupa nya ba ako? Hindi... Imposible... Pero bakit? Gawa ng alak? Normal lang ba na mangyari ang ganito?
I racked my mind for any homosexual behaviors that Sepsep might have displayed in the past, for signs which he might have shown that could indicate if he has romantic feelings towards me. I forced my brain to remember. More than one year's worth of memories flashed back inside my head. All those times I spent with him played like a movie in front of me. Oo, malambing siya at maalalahanin; hindi siya nakakalimot mangamusta; lagi siyang maaasahan pagdating sa mga pakiusap ko. Pero hindi ko naman nakitaan ng malisya kasi akala ko bromance lang yun or something. Member pa nga to ng frat at madalas mapaaway. Hindi... Hindi talaga pwede... Lalaki tong si Sepsep... Mali ang iniisip mo Chris...
However, try as I might, I couldn't really ignore the idea that was burning up inside me. It was eating me alive. I couldn't come up with a sensible explanation for what happened the night before. Right then, I could only think of two things: Sepsep is gay and he took advantage of me.
In a matter of seconds, the anxiety turned into rage. I looked at Sepsep with an unparalleled disgust. I was shaking violently as I clenched my clammy hands. I badly wanted to hit him, to cause him pain in exchange for what he did to me. But I couldn't move; my feet were rooted on the spot. I saw the empty bottles on the floor. I resisted the urge to grab one and smash it on his head. I was clearly a mess. I was anxious about what Jess would say if she learned about this. I was worried about what my family would think if they discover what had transpired. And I was afraid about what more would Sepsep do if I just let this pass.
I racked my mind for any homosexual behaviors that Sepsep might have displayed in the past, for signs which he might have shown that could indicate if he has romantic feelings towards me. I forced my brain to remember. More than one year's worth of memories flashed back inside my head. All those times I spent with him played like a movie in front of me. Oo, malambing siya at maalalahanin; hindi siya nakakalimot mangamusta; lagi siyang maaasahan pagdating sa mga pakiusap ko. Pero hindi ko naman nakitaan ng malisya kasi akala ko bromance lang yun or something. Member pa nga to ng frat at madalas mapaaway. Hindi... Hindi talaga pwede... Lalaki tong si Sepsep... Mali ang iniisip mo Chris...
However, try as I might, I couldn't really ignore the idea that was burning up inside me. It was eating me alive. I couldn't come up with a sensible explanation for what happened the night before. Right then, I could only think of two things: Sepsep is gay and he took advantage of me.
In a matter of seconds, the anxiety turned into rage. I looked at Sepsep with an unparalleled disgust. I was shaking violently as I clenched my clammy hands. I badly wanted to hit him, to cause him pain in exchange for what he did to me. But I couldn't move; my feet were rooted on the spot. I saw the empty bottles on the floor. I resisted the urge to grab one and smash it on his head. I was clearly a mess. I was anxious about what Jess would say if she learned about this. I was worried about what my family would think if they discover what had transpired. And I was afraid about what more would Sepsep do if I just let this pass.
The room was beginning to get brighter. I felt like I was standing there for hours. I couldn't take it any longer. I felt extremely weak. My head was on the verge of imploding from all the struggle, hence, without thinking, my feet started to move. I had to get away from that place as far as possible.
While in a trance, I bolted towards the door.
To be concluded...
Friday, October 4, 2013
A Flashback To The Previous Night
"Sepsep?" he called, knocking softly.
I quickly abandoned my laptop and went to answer the door.
It was Chris, my best buddy in college, leaning at the doorway, looking glum. He's mestizo, a little hairy, and has a flawless complexion. He's got round eyes, partnered with a well-proportioned nose and pink virgin-like lips. His body is of average size with some traces of baby fat. Some people say that his angelic looks are a waste because of his height. He's short, standing at only 5'1". However, in my eyes, this made him much cuter and more irresistible. He's quick-witted (unlike me), funny, and very loyal. For me, he's the perfect guy.
The first time I saw him one year ago, I immediately had a crush on him. We were group-mates on our practicum, and he was my constant partner during patient rounds. We have the same interests, like video games, horror movies, and American T.V. shows, so it didn't take us long before we became very close. We have so many things in common, except for one: he likes pechays, I like talongs. Yup, he's pretty much straight, so imagine my disappointment. Unfortunately, in spite of knowing this, I didn't do any measures to suppress my feelings. The more I spent time with him, the deeper I fell. One day, I just realized I was already in love with him. Damn.
A few hours earlier, I was busy in my apartment, packing up my stuff. It was the start of our summer break after our junior year, and I was planning to spend it in Cavite. I was almost done when I received an SMS from Chris saying, "Tol nasa apartment ka pa ba? Punta sana ako. May dala akong alak."
"Ano na naman kayang problema nito?" I murmured, then I hit the reply button and said, "Dito pa ko. What's up?"
"Si Jess kasi... Pwede bang bukas ka na lang umuwi?" he asked.
Jess was his girlfriend of 5 years. Lately, their misunderstandings became frequent; they fought more often. Judging from his message, I sensed something serious had occurred.
"Oks. Walang problema. Para sayo tol," was my reply. *hihihi*
Going back to the present, he proceeded to my bed after handing me a heavy plastic bag. Inside were 3 bottles of Gran Matador. Fuck. I ain't a hard drinker.
I gave him the first shot. He took it without further ado. I wanted to begin lightly, so we only made small talk. Our recent final exams, the instructors we deeply hate, and our last hospital duty for the semester.
We consumed the first bottle while conversing about other random things. Chris was obviously tipsy now, so I asked, "Ano palang problema tol?"
This instantly shifted his mood. From being bubbly, he became dead serious.
After a minute of painful silence, he answered in a low voice, "Putangina nyang si Jess eh... Tuloy na tuloy na talaga ang pag-migrate nila sa Canada."
"Oh. Akala ko ba napag-usapan nyo na yan? Matagal ng plano ng pamilya nya yan di ba?" I reminded.
"Oo, pero ang usapan namin, walang hiwalayan! Na susubukan namin i-work out ang relationship namin kahit long distance," he said, raising his voice.
I remained quiet and just poured him a glassful of brandy.
"Ang de puta, nakipaghiwalay kanina! Kesyo daw hindi nya kaya ang ganon. Most likely, magfe-fail lang daw. Eh putangina nya pala eh! Ang sabihin nya, ayaw na talaga nya!" he continued.
*tsk tsk* Second stage of grieving: Anger. He's now devilish, asking for more booze, and I was already tipsy as well. I had to keep it controlled because Chris gets literally crazy and wild when drunk.
"Baka naman magbago pa ang isip nya tol. Malay mo, makita nya na mali ang desisyon nya..." I said.
"Asa pa! Eh pano, trip nya yung classmate nyang varsity player! Porke't mas matangkad lang yon? Dami pa nyang dahilan! Pokpok siya... Nilandi lang siya, bumigay agad yung puke nya!" he yelled.
"Huy, wag ka maingay! Papagalitan tayo. Chill ka lang... Umandar na naman yang insecurity mo sa height mo. Sigurado naman akong mas gwapo ka dun tol. Kawalan na ni Jess kung ayaw na nya sayo. Eto, uminom ka na lang." I said.
His rants went on until we emptied the second bottle. I was now beyond tipsy, but I fought the dizziness. I should remain conscious and aware, since Chris was already drunk as fuck. He became suddenly quiet, as if deep in thought.
This was when I felt weird. Somehow, his innocence and vulnerability were turning me on. I badly wanted to throw myself at him, to comfort him in my arms, and to let him feel my love. But I resisted. As Chris bathed in his unstable emotions, I was having my own internal struggle. Self-control, Sepsep. He doesn't need you that way.
I snapped out of my reverie when I saw Chris searching frantically for something. Uh oh. This doesn't look good.
"Oi, anong gagawin mo?" I asked.
"Tatawagan ko si Jess. Kelangan malaman nya na hindi ko kaya... Kung kinakailangan magmakaawa ako, gagawin ko..." he said in slurred speech while dialing.
Shit! Third Stage: Bargaining! I sprang from my seat, reaching for his phone. He raised his hands, clearly putting up a fight. I jumped over him and tried to wrestled it out of his grip. My cock began to stir as he fidgeted under me. Oh my God. My body against his; it was ecstatic! I saw his pants getting loose because of all his squirming, revealing a portion of his white underwear and the top of his buttcrack. Fuuuuuck! I wished for that moment to never end. Seriously, even though it was very exhausting.
After several failed attempts, I finally won. I pocketed his phone and went back to my seat, not removing my eyes off him. He became mute again. I tried to appease the hard-on that was currently raging in my shorts, positioning it sideways so it wouldn't be obvious.
"Tangina, kung pwede lang sanang ibigay sayo to para ma-wrestling kita ulit..." I thought, but I dismissed it.
We were halfway on our last Gran Matador when he began to cry profusely. *sigh* Fourth stage: Depression. He was hugging one of my pillows, rocking back and forth, speaking incoherently. He looked pitiful. I felt my heart breaking as I watched him undergo this grief. That bitch... Look at what she did to Chris! She doesn't know what she gave up. That whore deserves to be gang raped! For almost an hour, he wept while I sat in front of him. I didn't know what to do, so I just continued the shots until the last drop.
I couldn't believe that we drank all of it. I expected otherwise. I guess we really needed that, to aid us with our own heartaches. Chris was already in a state of silent delirium; he's lying down, staring blankly into the ceiling. I, on the other hand, was feeling extremely nauseous. The room was spinning, so I left our mess on the table and positioned myself beside him.
The silence was deafening as we lay idly. I glanced at him. His teary gaze was still fixed upwards. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I just pleased myself by basking at his handsome albeit solemn face. After that, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warm feel of his skin. I was starting to enter into stupor when I sensed him turn sharply; I was stirred. What I felt next was something I never expected, not in a million years.
Suddenly, his soft lips began to burrow torridly into mine. My eyes flew open. His face was contorted in an expression I couldn't fathom. I was frozen in shock. What the fuck?! Is this for real?! I grabbed his shoulders and tried pushing him away as I moaned in protest. In response, he gripped both sides of my head, locking our position and making it harder for me to move. Why am I resisting? I should be enjoying this! I tried to get up, but he overpowered me, pinning me down further using his weight. I was helpless; the nausea made me very weak. I couldn't think clearly anymore, so I let go and gave in to pure bliss.
To be continued...
I quickly abandoned my laptop and went to answer the door.
It was Chris, my best buddy in college, leaning at the doorway, looking glum. He's mestizo, a little hairy, and has a flawless complexion. He's got round eyes, partnered with a well-proportioned nose and pink virgin-like lips. His body is of average size with some traces of baby fat. Some people say that his angelic looks are a waste because of his height. He's short, standing at only 5'1". However, in my eyes, this made him much cuter and more irresistible. He's quick-witted (unlike me), funny, and very loyal. For me, he's the perfect guy.
The first time I saw him one year ago, I immediately had a crush on him. We were group-mates on our practicum, and he was my constant partner during patient rounds. We have the same interests, like video games, horror movies, and American T.V. shows, so it didn't take us long before we became very close. We have so many things in common, except for one: he likes pechays, I like talongs. Yup, he's pretty much straight, so imagine my disappointment. Unfortunately, in spite of knowing this, I didn't do any measures to suppress my feelings. The more I spent time with him, the deeper I fell. One day, I just realized I was already in love with him. Damn.
A few hours earlier, I was busy in my apartment, packing up my stuff. It was the start of our summer break after our junior year, and I was planning to spend it in Cavite. I was almost done when I received an SMS from Chris saying, "Tol nasa apartment ka pa ba? Punta sana ako. May dala akong alak."
"Ano na naman kayang problema nito?" I murmured, then I hit the reply button and said, "Dito pa ko. What's up?"
"Si Jess kasi... Pwede bang bukas ka na lang umuwi?" he asked.
Jess was his girlfriend of 5 years. Lately, their misunderstandings became frequent; they fought more often. Judging from his message, I sensed something serious had occurred.
"Oks. Walang problema. Para sayo tol," was my reply. *hihihi*
Going back to the present, he proceeded to my bed after handing me a heavy plastic bag. Inside were 3 bottles of Gran Matador. Fuck. I ain't a hard drinker.
I gave him the first shot. He took it without further ado. I wanted to begin lightly, so we only made small talk. Our recent final exams, the instructors we deeply hate, and our last hospital duty for the semester.
We consumed the first bottle while conversing about other random things. Chris was obviously tipsy now, so I asked, "Ano palang problema tol?"
This instantly shifted his mood. From being bubbly, he became dead serious.
After a minute of painful silence, he answered in a low voice, "Putangina nyang si Jess eh... Tuloy na tuloy na talaga ang pag-migrate nila sa Canada."
"Oh. Akala ko ba napag-usapan nyo na yan? Matagal ng plano ng pamilya nya yan di ba?" I reminded.
"Oo, pero ang usapan namin, walang hiwalayan! Na susubukan namin i-work out ang relationship namin kahit long distance," he said, raising his voice.
I remained quiet and just poured him a glassful of brandy.
"Ang de puta, nakipaghiwalay kanina! Kesyo daw hindi nya kaya ang ganon. Most likely, magfe-fail lang daw. Eh putangina nya pala eh! Ang sabihin nya, ayaw na talaga nya!" he continued.
*tsk tsk* Second stage of grieving: Anger. He's now devilish, asking for more booze, and I was already tipsy as well. I had to keep it controlled because Chris gets literally crazy and wild when drunk.
"Baka naman magbago pa ang isip nya tol. Malay mo, makita nya na mali ang desisyon nya..." I said.
"Asa pa! Eh pano, trip nya yung classmate nyang varsity player! Porke't mas matangkad lang yon? Dami pa nyang dahilan! Pokpok siya... Nilandi lang siya, bumigay agad yung puke nya!" he yelled.
"Huy, wag ka maingay! Papagalitan tayo. Chill ka lang... Umandar na naman yang insecurity mo sa height mo. Sigurado naman akong mas gwapo ka dun tol. Kawalan na ni Jess kung ayaw na nya sayo. Eto, uminom ka na lang." I said.
His rants went on until we emptied the second bottle. I was now beyond tipsy, but I fought the dizziness. I should remain conscious and aware, since Chris was already drunk as fuck. He became suddenly quiet, as if deep in thought.
This was when I felt weird. Somehow, his innocence and vulnerability were turning me on. I badly wanted to throw myself at him, to comfort him in my arms, and to let him feel my love. But I resisted. As Chris bathed in his unstable emotions, I was having my own internal struggle. Self-control, Sepsep. He doesn't need you that way.
I snapped out of my reverie when I saw Chris searching frantically for something. Uh oh. This doesn't look good.
"Oi, anong gagawin mo?" I asked.
"Tatawagan ko si Jess. Kelangan malaman nya na hindi ko kaya... Kung kinakailangan magmakaawa ako, gagawin ko..." he said in slurred speech while dialing.
Shit! Third Stage: Bargaining! I sprang from my seat, reaching for his phone. He raised his hands, clearly putting up a fight. I jumped over him and tried to wrestled it out of his grip. My cock began to stir as he fidgeted under me. Oh my God. My body against his; it was ecstatic! I saw his pants getting loose because of all his squirming, revealing a portion of his white underwear and the top of his buttcrack. Fuuuuuck! I wished for that moment to never end. Seriously, even though it was very exhausting.
After several failed attempts, I finally won. I pocketed his phone and went back to my seat, not removing my eyes off him. He became mute again. I tried to appease the hard-on that was currently raging in my shorts, positioning it sideways so it wouldn't be obvious.
"Tangina, kung pwede lang sanang ibigay sayo to para ma-wrestling kita ulit..." I thought, but I dismissed it.
We were halfway on our last Gran Matador when he began to cry profusely. *sigh* Fourth stage: Depression. He was hugging one of my pillows, rocking back and forth, speaking incoherently. He looked pitiful. I felt my heart breaking as I watched him undergo this grief. That bitch... Look at what she did to Chris! She doesn't know what she gave up. That whore deserves to be gang raped! For almost an hour, he wept while I sat in front of him. I didn't know what to do, so I just continued the shots until the last drop.
I couldn't believe that we drank all of it. I expected otherwise. I guess we really needed that, to aid us with our own heartaches. Chris was already in a state of silent delirium; he's lying down, staring blankly into the ceiling. I, on the other hand, was feeling extremely nauseous. The room was spinning, so I left our mess on the table and positioned myself beside him.
The silence was deafening as we lay idly. I glanced at him. His teary gaze was still fixed upwards. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I just pleased myself by basking at his handsome albeit solemn face. After that, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warm feel of his skin. I was starting to enter into stupor when I sensed him turn sharply; I was stirred. What I felt next was something I never expected, not in a million years.
Suddenly, his soft lips began to burrow torridly into mine. My eyes flew open. His face was contorted in an expression I couldn't fathom. I was frozen in shock. What the fuck?! Is this for real?! I grabbed his shoulders and tried pushing him away as I moaned in protest. In response, he gripped both sides of my head, locking our position and making it harder for me to move. Why am I resisting? I should be enjoying this! I tried to get up, but he overpowered me, pinning me down further using his weight. I was helpless; the nausea made me very weak. I couldn't think clearly anymore, so I let go and gave in to pure bliss.
To be continued...
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