A Flashback To That Heartbreaking Evening

The sun had already set when I arrived outside the gate of a beautiful antique house.

Chris was not in his apartment in Pasay, so I decided to check if he already went home in Fairview. I traveled for hours searching for him, asking our friends for information regarding his whereabouts. My calls went unanswered and my text messages were all unreplied. It made me quite mad, so I was prepared to give that stupid bastard a piece of my mind. I wanted to know the reason behind all this shit. I already had an idea, but it would be better to confirm it. I was afraid that this might get out of hand if I didn't act quickly.

"Chriiiiis!" I called, twice.

A pretty woman peeked through the door, asking who I was.

"Ay tita, good evening po. Nandyan po ba si Chris?" I asked.

"Geosef? Oh, ikaw pala yan. Nandito sa loob. Halika, pasok ka," she invited.

"Naku, hindi rin po ako masyadong magtatagal. May importante lang po akong ibibigay kay Chris," I lied.

"Ah, ganon ba. Sige, teka lang ha. Tawagin ko lang siya," she said.

He made me wait for several minutes more. I'm an impatient person, so I was already fuming when he finally went out. He approached me quietly, avoiding my gaze. I noticed a bad bruise at his right temple; the details of how he got it flashed back in my memory. I felt a pang of guilt.

"Tol, mag-usap nga tayo," I started, "Ano bang problema?"

"Dapat hindi ka na nagpunta dito. Tsaka na tayo mag-usap. Umuwi ka na," he said rather coldly.

He turned and began to walk back inside. I grabbed the back of his shirt and didn't let go, not until we had fixed this mess.

"Wag mo kong tatalikuran Chris! Sinadya pa kita dito. Kanina pa ko nagtitimpi, kaya utang na loob, sabihin mo na sa 'kin kung bakit ka nag-iinarte," I said, in a very serious tone.

He gave me the coldest look I have ever seen. It was full of hatred. I knew, at that very moment, he was fighting the urge to punch me hard. I didn't let myself be intimidated by that, so I also gave him a very sharp stare, ready to start hitting him if he initiated. Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and dragged me across the street, away from their gate.

"Putanginamo pala Sepsep eh! After ng ginawa mo kagabi, may gana ka pang magpakita? Ang kapal din apog mo no?" he hissed.

"Putanginamo din! Hindi mo alam kung ano talaga ang nangyari!" I hissed back.

"Anong hindi? Ginapang mo ako, gago! Sinamantala mo ang pagkakataon habang lasing ako at namomroblema kay Jess! Hindi ka na naawa sa akin... Nakakadiri kang bakla ka! May balak ka pang hawaan ako!" he vented out, slightly raising his voice, "Wala akong idea, may pagnanasa ka pala sa 'kin! Kelan pa yan ha? Kaya ba pinilit mong maging ka-partner ako? Shit! Pasalamat ka't napipigil ko pa ang sarili ko na hindi ka patikimin ng kamao ko, which is dapat kanina ko pa ginawa!"

I was dumbfounded. I had thought of this scenario hours ago. Although I already expected he would say that, hearing it for real was still very shocking... And heartbreaking.

"Ang taas pa naman ng tingin ko sayo. Alam ba ng mga brod mo yang tungkol sa kabadingan mo? Ha?" he continued his taunts while pointing a finger in front of my face.

This fueled my anger, bringing me back to my composure, so I snapped, "Gago ka din! Makinig ka kasi muna, para ma-realize mo yang kabobohan mo!"

Before he can answer, I continued, "Walang nangyari sa ating dalawa! Wala!"

That struck him. It was evident in his face. That was something he hoped for, it seemed, even if it was just a tiny shred.

"Sigurado ka ba? Naalala ko yung hinahalikan mo ako..." he said, sounding unsure.

"Oo nga, pero---" I began.

"Eh di totoo nga! Itatago mo pa eh!" he interjected.

"Pwede bang patapusin mo muna ako? Pucha naman Chris oh! Napipikon na talaga ako ha!" I hissed.

He became silent, but his eyes were still as cold as ice, intently focused on me.

"Ganito ang totoong nangyari. Nung maubos natin ang alak, wasted ka na, nakahiga ka na at nakatingin lang sa kawalan. Ako naman, lasing na din, kaya tumabi na ako sayo. Naalala mo?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Tapos pumikit na ako gawa ng antok. Patulog na ako nung naramdaman kong bigla kang gumalaw paharap sa akin. The next thing I know, hinahalikan mo na ako ng torrid," I continued.

"Ako unang humalik sayo?! Ginagago mo ba ako? Hindi ako bakla!" he reasoned, wide-eyed.

"At bakit naman kita gagaguhin? Nagsasabi ako ng totoo! At alam kong hindi ka bakla. Lumuluha ka pa habang hinahalikan ako... Alam kong si Jess ang nasa isip mo at nadadala ka lang ng alak... Alam naman nating gumagawa ka ng kung ano-ano kapag lasing di ba? Di naman bago yon," I explained.

He looked confused, so he asked, "Teka, eh bakit ka gumanti ng halik imbes na pigilan mo ako? Don't tell me na-imagine mo din ako na kung sinong babae?"

I sighed, then smirked.

"Believe me, ginawa ko ang lahat para pigilan ka. Kaso masyado kang malakas, at nanghihina na ako gawa ng alak. Tapos dinaganan mo pa ako..." I answered, "Pero ang dahilan talaga kaya humalik na din ako ay dahil tama ka, bakla nga ako..."

"Pero!" I continued, before he can interrupt me again, "Hindi ako bakla na gaya ng iniisip mo. Wala akong pagtingin sayo; hindi kita gusto. Kaibigan lang ang turing ko sayo. Nadala lang ako ng putapeteng Gran Matador na yan; na ikaw din naman ang may kasalanan kasi ikaw ang nagdala! Aaminin ko nag-enjoy ako kaya lumaban na din ako ng halik... Pero lasing lang ako. Kung nasa tamang huwisyo lang ako, di kita papatusin no."

I know that was a lie, but I couldn't bring myself to divulge my true feelings towards him. Not this time. It wasn't the right moment. Or better yet, there will never be a right moment. Our friendship was practically ruined because of this, as well as my chances.

"Pagkatapos? Hinubaran mo na ako?" he asked.

"Asa ka pa. Ikaw naghubad sa sarili mo. Ang bilis mo nga eh. Parang three seconds lang, natanggal mo na yung shirt at pants mo," I revealed.

"Shit... Tapos tsaka mo ko chinupa?" he snarled.

"Di ba sabi ko sayo na walang nangyari? Kulit mo din no?" I said, slightly laughing, "Habang nagtatanggal ka ng damit mo, nakaramdam ako ng urge na sumuka. Ramdam ko na sa esophagus ko eh, kaya tinulak kita. Kaso ikaw, hayok na hayok. Dinaganan mo ulit ako bago mo pa mahubad yung underwear mo."

He looked bewildered, so I continued, "Ayaw kong magsuka sa kama ko, at ayaw mo din naman akong tigilan. Kaya ang ginawa ko, kinuha ko lahat ng natitira kong lakas, tapos binigyan kita ng isang malakas na suntok. Ayan oh, kaya may pasa ka diyan... Nung gumulong ka, tsaka ako tumakbo papunta sa banyo. Pagkatapos ko ilabas lahat ng kinain at ininom ko, nahimasmasan na ako ng kaunti. Nung bumalik ako sa kama, humihilik ka na... Hindi ko alam kung nakatulog ka dahil sa kamao ko, o dahil sa kalasingan... Hinang-hina na ako, kaya kinumutan na lang kita bago ako nakatulog... Naintindihan mo na?"

He didin't answer. It was obvious that he was still skeptic after hearing my story, but he believed me nonetheless. He looked pretty embarrassed as well, fidgeting as he continue to comprehend what I just told him.

I started to calm down. It was worth it, seeing his face as he realized the truth, as well as his mistake. I felt better. In a way, I was able to get back at him for ruining my weekend, the start of our semester break. If it wasn't for him, I would've been at home by now, enjoying the company of my family, instead of standing there, trying to save our friendship, which was pointless because it was already fucked up, all thanks to him.

"Ngayon, uuwi na ako para makapagpahinga. Pakiramdam ko may hangover pa rin ko... Na lumala ata dahil dito sa ginawa mo..." I said as I began to walk away.

After several quick steps, I heard him shout my name, but I just ignored him.

The saddest thing was he never ran after me.

***

Author's Note: When the next semester began, things became extremely awkward and more difficult because of our conflict, so Chris and I finally made our peace. Well, we had to; we were partners in our hospital duties. However, our closeness was significantly diminished. We made a pact to keep the incident a secret, including my homosexuality. Little by little, my love for him began to wane. I learned to detach him from my mind, until I no longer care about him. The last time I heard of news about Chris, one of our friends said that he had already migrated to New York. I looked him up several times in Facebook, but I never had the courage to click his 'Add Friend' button.