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Friday, October 25, 2013

Cheat Sheet

Warning: Reading this requires an open mind.

All of us have the tendency to cheat, one way or another. I dunno, that is just one of the many baseless assumptions I have in life. I feel like this is something that's innate in human behavior; an itch that can be controlled; an impulse that could be overrode; and an internal battle that can be won. All depending on one's sheer willpower.

Cheating, according to Ninjawords, is an act of deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition.

It may come in different forms; copying or utilizing a hidden note during examinations, rigging an election, submitting a plagiarized work as your own, falsifying crucial information, a dirty move in a match, manipulating cards in poker, using cheat codes in a video game, relying on the help of steroids as a strength enhancer during a sporting event, and many more. Some of these are light and only merit a disqualification or the like, while some are gravely punishable by law.

However, for this entry, I will tackle its involvement in romantic relationships.

Like its other forms, it is pretty much frowned upon. Although this isn't punishable by imprisonmentit is neither considered illegal nor criminalmost people consider it an abhorrent thing to commit. Aside from physical and verbal abuse, it is one of the worst things you can do to your partner. Being cheated on is very painful, you wouldn't believe the agony you'll experience from the nasty betrayal.

Before I continue, you may find the following as something detestable. I may not be very sure why I wrote thismaybe I would like to compose something different or something new that's never written beforebut I warned you at the beginning, this is not for everyone. If you are expecting that I will criticize or malign cheating, well I'm sorry, but you are incorrect. Now, don't get me wrong here. I, myself, don't support cheating. I just think that if that is someone's cup of tea, then let them be, as long as it's their life alone that's being ruined. Live and let live, in other words. Well, unless it is being done to you directly, then I believe you should better go into berserk and kill some motherfuckers.

Well, it seems I have stretched out the introduction for too long... Therefore, without further ado, I present to you:

How to Effectively Cheat in a Relationship

1. Pick A Medium

Prior to starting your sinful fling, you should first, of course, find someone willing for a coitus. Where to look for it though? Through online dating sites? Inside dark bathhouses or seedy massage parlors? At the back of a bus? Among the tight crowd inside the MRT? Or in a dirty public restroom? The choices are numerous. The ballsier you could be, the hotter the encounter you might get in return.

Are you going for a carefully measured plan or just go with whatever fate's going to throw at you?

2. Formulate the Ideal Partner-in-Crime

What's your preferred 'fling mate'? A top or a bottom? Do you require an absolute hottie or would you just settle for someone average? A twink or a beefcake? Pick your preferred race, skin color, height, and weight. How about fetishes? A daddy perhaps? Someone married? Or maybe a high school or a college student?

Or will you rather go for anyone who's simply there, currently within your line of sight? Just go with the flow, to put it simply.

3. Informed Consent

Would you tell your chosen partner that you, as of this moment, are in a relationship with someone else? Or will you spare him the knowledge and just keep your mouths busy with kissing, licking, sucking, and moaning? Remember, no one fancies to look like a fool. Well, except for clowns maybe.

4. The Conducive Space

Your place or his? Oh, both are not possible? How about if you rent a motel room? Hmmm, too shy eh? Outdoors then? Or some concealed public place? Well, choose wisely. The best venue is somewhere you could do everything uninterrupted in full gear.

5. The Right Moment

Boyfriend is currently on an out-of-town trip? Or maybe he's at work or busy with an important activity or two? Timing is everything; it should be impeccable. Provide a sensible alibi, if necessary, to reinforce his trust in you. It's better to be safe than sorry. You wouldn't want to get caught red-handed, would you?

6. Safe or Bareback? Spit or Swallow?

Planning on entering the exit-door? Do it safe; use a condom.

Just oral sex? Do it safe; spit, don't swallow.

Nothing could bum your boyfriend out better than him discovering that you gave him an STD which you caught from someone else. Worse is if it's HIV. If that will happen to me, I'll kill you. No, seriously, who wouldn't?

7. The Other Ingredient

Would you like to mix in deeper romantic emotions? Are you going to take it to the next level by developing some feelings for your 'cheat mate'? Or maybe just befriend him or make him a godfather of your newborn kid? Or will you stick to the original plan of just having pure carnal lust? Attachments beget complications, you know.

8. Maintaining the Secrecy

This one requires one very important factor. And that factor is conscience. The thing is you mustn't have any. How are you suppose to contain your secret if that still small voice keeps on bugging you? It could eat you inside out. The first instance it appears, extinguish it immediately. Because if you don't, you might soon find yourself wide awake at nights, thinking of the wrongdoing you've done. That is one sure way to lose some weight, I tell you.

Also, there is a possibility for your secret to remain undiscovered until your confession on your deathbed if you'll follow two important things. First is if you inform your cheating partner about your current relationship, as I said in number 3. At least, he would understand the situation better because he's aware of the fact that he's an accomplice. Second is if you avoid any attachments whatsoever, as I stated in number 6. It wouldn't be wise to multiply the black thread that connects you to him. It would be best if you keep it minimum.

9. The Choice for Repetition

Permanence versus transience. Did you enjoy it so much that you would like to do it again? You aren't satisfied with doing it only once? Oh, okay, you picked the first of the two then. Maybe next time, you could do it bolder or more creative. One day, you could become the king of all cheaters, with a crown made out of dildos and a silicon cape made from recycled condoms.

***

There you have it! I hope you'll find the above as useful as an atlas in an old, dusty library. If you're gonna, then use this well.

Before I end this though, please let me ask you a couple of questions... First, are you willing to do so much effort just to have a taste of another meat, which could either be different than or the same of what you're currently having? I'm telling you, the former might either be better or worse than the latter. It's trial and error, which is kind of a gamble. Second, can you really put your relationship on the line for something risky like that? Hypothetically, do you think it would be worth it?

If one of your answers is a no, then you better think twice. You may not be that kind of person. It would be best if you'll have a talk with your partner. Be open; discuss your thoughts and feelings. There might be a way for you to fix thisto banish your urges to cheat—with his help. Right the wrongs. Your relationship might have several rusted hinges that need some greasing. Who knows, this may even strengthen your relationship. As per the popular motto, honesty is the best policy.

If your answers are all yes, then go ahead. Enjoy it until you're full. Just remember one thing though, be responsible for everything you'll do. If you are caught, then be a fucking man. God gave you a pair of balls for a purpose; this is a perfect time to use them. Don't put the blame on something or someone else other than yourself. Nothing is worse than a wimp who cannot own up to his awful actions. Prostitutes are of much greater respect than these cowardly cheaters. And also, if you can still feel an ounce of guilt from your already-burning soul, ask for forgiveness. Don't you dare be the one who would even have the guts to be proud, you bastard. You hurt someone, particularly a person who loves you. They deserve some remorse from you; show it in one way or another. If you cannot, then I hope you'll perish in hell for all eternity.

Anyway, happy cheating! Or not...

"I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating." ~ Sophocles

57 comments:

  1. The urge to cheat is always present. The intensity may vary. The ability to control it defines the character and maturity of every person. Character and maturity does not necessarily come with age or experience. Fidelity is enforced by one's personal values and the respect to your significant other.

    I have a very strong sex drive. My partner too. We look, admire, and stare at others. We compare notes. We acknowledge the feelings and desire.

    But we do not step beyond the line....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Anon, for supplying these points that I forgot to mention. :)

      That's good for you and your partner. Stay in love!

      Delete
  2. noooo delete this post ahahaha :)

    well good thing is that I don't have the urge to cheat, I cheated before way back when I was still trying to fix my broken heart but now that I've grown to become a better person hindi ko na binibigyan ng thought yang bagay na yan, it's a waste of my time and it proves nothing for me.

    And even if someone does cheat on me, hindi na rin ako gaganti tulad ng dati, instead I would just ask myself anu ba ung mga pagkukulang ko kaya nagawa sa akin un and try to step up the next time around para hindi na maulit, pero kung sakaling maulit ulit, hindi pa rin ako gaganti haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good for you Jjamps. :)

      Cheating should only be a one time thing, or perhaps not at all.

      Delete
    2. "not at all"

      ahaha, nung nakita ko ung title ng post mo kinabahan nanaman ako ahaha, pero ang ganda nung mga last few paragraphs, dapat mabasa ng mga taong mapanlinlang to para matauhan sila :)

      a good read btw GG :)

      Delete
  3. I'd rather be loyal and I will do it as long as I can. Ang laki na ng mga anak ko para gawin 'yan, hehe. Sabi nga, been there done that at tama ka, the urge and tendency to cheat laging nasa tabi lang natin nasa tao na lan 'yun kung paano niya i-handle at kontrolin.

    Anyway, it's a good read lalo na sa mga nagbabalak mag-cheat! haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A homosexual setting is what I had in mind when I wrote this. But I guess applicable din to sa mga straights. *hehe*

      Salamat Limarx. :)

      Delete
  4. hmmmmm. may kulang eh. once caught, how do you deny and turn the tables? LOL

    meron din dapat how to clean up traces of the deed, how to react when you meet in public, how to remember and selectively forget some details of the tryst etc

    i should know, i experienced to be cheated on and to cheat back :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Once you are caught, that's game over. I think that's the main message of GG's post - follow your urge and be man enough to face the consequences. You can't turn the table. Not without a scratch - to yourself, to your partner, and the relationship.

      Delete
    2. If caught, don't deny. I explained that dun sa huling paragraph. I don't tolerate cowardice. Kung Julie Andrews ka na, then pangatawanan mo na di ba. *hehe*

      Sa mga 'how to' na yan, yung cheater na lang ang makakasagot nyan. It would be his call. Diskartehan na lang nya. :P

      Delete
  5. There's always an andrenaline rush in cheating.

    But in the end, the guilt will consume you unless your heart is made of stone.

    And isa ako sa mga taong naniniwala na if your partner is cheating, it's as if you had sex with every person he cheated with. Sabi nila di un logical. Pero isipin mo, naipasa sayo whatever maipapasa from the 'mistress'.

    But who am I to say this? I cheated (albeit out of naive) before. And ayoko na ulitin. The rush is not worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually the adrenaline rush is during the anticipation of the act - expectations, giving in to the desire. I know because I did all that. But it does not give anyone a sense of fulfillment. Parang nag-bate ka lang over live porn. I cheated like 50 times and never got caught. Same shitty feeling of being a slut.

      Delete
  6. I always think of cheating as an unplanned and spontaneous act. =)

    This is a sensitive topic ah. Something, I am in the process of confronting in my own timeline.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think mas risky kasi yung ganon. But it's up to you, if yun ang trip mo. :)

      Delete
  7. Ang Pangungulangot at Sex

    Inusisa ni Totoy ang kanyang tatay.

    Totoy: Bakit po masarap ang sex?
    Tatay: Kasi, may kiliti o sensation iyon na katulad ng
    nararamdaman mo pag nangungulangot ka.

    Totoy: Bakit po mas nasasarapan ang mga babae kaysa sa
    mga lalaki sa sex?
    Tatay: Gaya ng nasabi ko, ang sex ay parang
    pangungulangot. Kapag nangungulangot ka, mas
    nag-e-enjoy ang iyong ilong kesa sa ang iyong daliri.

    Totoy: Bakit ayaw po ng mga babae na ginagahasa sila?
    Tatay: Iyang panggagahasa eh maihahalintulad sa
    naglalakad ka sa kalye,tapos, may lumapit sa iyo at
    kinalikot ang iyong ilong. Magugustuhan mo ba iyon?

    Totoy: Bakit po ayaw ng mga babae na makipag-sex pag
    nireregla sila?
    Tatay: Anak, kapag dinudugo ang ilong
    mo,nangungulangot
    ka ba?

    Totoy: Bakit ayaw po ng mga lalaki na mag-condom kapag
    nakikipag-sex sila?
    Tatay: Ikaw ba eh gusto mong mangulangot na may
    guwantes ka sa iyong daliri?

    Totoy: Bakit po sa pribadong lugar ginagawa ang
    pakikipag-sex?
    Tatay: Mangungulangot ka kaya sa harapan ng buong klase
    mo?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What the—? *hahaha!* Nice one Cy. :)

      Delete
    2. hahaha... natuwa naman ako dito

      Delete
    3. Out of the blue nga eh, pero ang kulit lang. *hahaha*

      Delete
    4. wow... may mga str8 na ring mga tambay dito! hehehe

      Delete
  8. question: do you consider a threesome with your partner cheating? why/why not? do you think this is a viable solution to itchy couples or will it soil the monogamous nature of a couple's relationship?

    interested on your thoughts about the above!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Obviously, that would be a no. Well, unless you tied your partner up, then forced him into the act without his consent. That would clearly be cheating, and a serious case of harrasment and sexual abuse. :P

      Cheating requires secrecy; the fact that the person you are cheating on (your partner, in this case) has absolutely no idea about it. Remove the secrecy, and it wouldn't be cheating anymore.

      I think the viable solution for itchy couples is an open relationship. That is, if they are mature enough to handle it.

      I hope I was able to satisfied your curiosity. Thanks for the questions! :)

      Delete
  9. whoa! not expecting this. Thanks for this, I guess... hahaha John

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are welcome John, I guess... *hahaha*

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. *hahaha* Wala naman. Bigla ko lang naisip. :P

      Delete
  11. well well iniisip ko kaya siguro ako natatakot makipag-jowa kasi alam kong magchicheat ako. haha.. or not. kasi may trust issues ako so i guess hindi ko gagawin yun sa partner ko... or not.

    ewan. honestly, mas naha-hotan ako sa kakyeme ko sa kama kapag nalaman kong taken siya. feeling ko ang ganda ganda ko lang kasi nga nagagawa niyang makipaglaro sa akin kahit na meron na siyang bf. haha at somehow natutupad ko lang yung crazy dream ko na maging kontrabida. haha

    wala akong remorse. iniisip ko wala akong kasalanan kasi pinatulan niya ako kahit na taken na siya. kaya naisip ko baka ang maging karma ko ay either manloko ako at masaktan or maloko ako.

    ...pero feeling ko naman magiging faithful ako. hehe

    ewan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *gasp!* Kalansay... You slut! *hahaha* So you like your boys attached huh? Ikaw na talaga ang maganda! :P

      Hypothetically, I think magiging faithful ka naman. *hehe Don't be so negative. Why would you ruin something that you've been waiting for the longest time? ;)

      Delete
    2. hahahaha syempre hindi naman lahat. i mean may ilan akong nakeme na taken. pero yeah gusto ko pero hindi naman yun requirement no! and yeah, chika nga ni anne curtis sa maging sino ka man, i may be a slut... but I'm the best slut in town! choz.

      ...feeling ko rin magiging faithful ako. hehe ang tagaaaal niya pakshet siya!!!! :p

      Delete
    3. So, aminado ka talaga na slut ka nga? *hahaha* Good luck Kalansay! :D

      Delete
  12. Magaling. hhhmmm, good point :)
    muntik na akong maging "kabit" once. grabe, buti na lang, sinabi ng kaibigan kong taken na "siya" at naputol na ang connection namin.. or else.. takot ako sa karma. :)
    Jo here. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Naku, buti na lang at hindi mo hinayaan ang sarili mo na maging accomplice. Mahirap na nga ang magantihan ng tadhana. :P

      Anyway, thanks Jo! :)

      Delete
    2. i'm so clueless then. buti na lang may mga tunay na kaibigang nagsabi sa akin na may someone na siya at naghahanap lang ng "ibang luto" unfortunately ako ang nakita niya.. :(
      always welcome! :)


      Delete
    3. Maswerte ka pa din at maaga mo nalaman. Karamihan kasi late na nila natutuklasan diba. ;)

      Delete
    4. good thing i have concerned friends. :)

      Delete
  13. ikaw na ang expert sa cheating... hehehe... salamat ulit sa support sa PBO ha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Di naman Senyor. *hehe*

      Walang anuman! It's my pleasure, actually. Next time ulit! :D

      Delete
    2. ang sipag mong sumagot sa bawat comment...hehe

      Delete
    3. Appreciative lang talaga ako Senyor. :P

      Delete
    4. Wala akong sinabing ganyan ha. *hehehe* Hindi yun ang ibig kong sabihin. :P

      Delete
  14. you made it sound so easy...

    for the heartless.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Nahihirapan akong mag comment baka may mambato, anyway cast the first stone, ika nga. There are many things to consider before we cheat but sometimes, we dont plan it, it just happen. I am not an expert when it comes to relationship but I do think that after the cheating, that is when we can say na it is not worth it or the other way around. Hindi pala ako masaya sa iyo, I need to let go, parang ganun lang.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. May bigla lang din akong naisip, ano kaya ang mas nakaka-guilty? Yung spontaneous or yung planned cheating? *hehe* Well, I think depende na sa cheater yun.

      Thanks for your insights Jonathan. :3

      Delete
  16. Nagcheat ako once at pinagsisihan ko un , nafollow ko lhat ng nasabi mo hihihi. After ilang years nahuli kmi , actually kahapon lng , at ngaun hindi ko na alam gagawin ko

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry about that Kulapitot... Like I said sa taas, be responsible for your actions. Tutal nalaman na nya, try to ask for forgiveness, be honest when you talk to him. Pero wag mo siya i-pressure na patawarin ka agad, kasi baka hindi maging maganda ang result. Give him some space muna, some time to think if ano na gusto nya mangyari sa relationship nyo...

      Delete
  17. Out of the three relationships I have been into.. I have never been cheated on nor have I ever cheated on anyone but if given the opportunity I might just cheat on the hubby if its worth the lust haha :) Pero if ever yung hubby ko mag cheat sakin.. Ewan nalang. I might feel a bit disappointed but who knows ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So Simon, you're currently in a relationship huh? I'll wait for your post about this "hubby" of yours then. :P

      Delete
  18. Monogamy is more my thing when in a relationship. I am the possessive within means sort.

    ReplyDelete

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