Cheat Sheet

Warning: Reading this requires an open mind.

All of us have the tendency to cheat, one way or another. I dunno, that is just one of the many baseless assumptions I have in life. I feel like this is something that's innate in human behavior; an itch that can be controlled; an impulse that could be overrode; and an internal battle that can be won. All depending on one's sheer willpower.

Cheating, according to Ninjawords, is an act of deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition.

It may come in different forms; copying or utilizing a hidden note during examinations, rigging an election, submitting a plagiarized work as your own, falsifying crucial information, a dirty move in a match, manipulating cards in poker, using cheat codes in a video game, relying on the help of steroids as a strength enhancer during a sporting event, and many more. Some of these are light and only merit a disqualification or the like, while some are gravely punishable by law.

However, for this entry, I will tackle its involvement in romantic relationships.

Like its other forms, it is pretty much frowned upon. Although this isn't punishable by imprisonment—it is neither considered illegal nor criminal—most people consider it an abhorrent thing to commit. Aside from physical and verbal abuse, it is one of the worst things you can do to your partner. Being cheated on is very painful, you wouldn't believe the agony you'll experience from the nasty betrayal.

Before I continue, you may find the following as something detestable. I may not be very sure why I wrote this—maybe I would like to compose something different or something new that's never written before—but I warned you at the beginning, this is not for everyone. If you are expecting that I will criticize or malign cheating, well I'm sorry, but you are incorrect. Now, don't get me wrong here. I, myself, don't support cheating. I just think that if that is someone's cup of tea, then let them be, as long as it's their life alone that's being ruined. Live and let live, in other words. Well, unless it is being done to you directly, then I believe you should better go into berserk and kill some motherfuckers.

Well, it seems I have stretched out the introduction for too long... Therefore, without further ado, I present to you:

How to Effectively Cheat in a Relationship

1. Pick A Medium

Prior to starting your sinful fling, you should first, of course, find someone willing for a coitus. Where to look for it though? Through online dating sites? Inside dark bathhouses or seedy massage parlors? At the back of a bus? Among the tight crowd inside the MRT? Or in a dirty public restroom? The choices are numerous. The ballsier you could be, the hotter the encounter you might get in return.

Are you going for a carefully measured plan or just go with whatever fate's going to throw at you?

2. Formulate the Ideal Partner-in-Crime

What's your preferred 'fling mate'? A top or a bottom? Do you require an absolute hottie or would you just settle for someone average? A twink or a beefcake? Pick your preferred race, skin color, height, and weight. How about fetishes? A daddy perhaps? Someone married? Or maybe a high school or a college student?

Or will you rather go for anyone who's simply there, currently within your line of sight? Just go with the flow, to put it simply.

3. Informed Consent

Would you tell your chosen partner that you, as of this moment, are in a relationship with someone else? Or will you spare him the knowledge and just keep your mouths busy with kissing, licking, sucking, and moaning? Remember, no one fancies to look like a fool. Well, except for clowns maybe.

4. The Conducive Space

Your place or his? Oh, both are not possible? How about if you rent a motel room? Hmmm, too shy eh? Outdoors then? Or some concealed public place? Well, choose wisely. The best venue is somewhere you could do everything uninterrupted in full gear.

5. The Right Moment

Boyfriend is currently on an out-of-town trip? Or maybe he's at work or busy with an important activity or two? Timing is everything; it should be impeccable. Provide a sensible alibi, if necessary, to reinforce his trust in you. It's better to be safe than sorry. You wouldn't want to get caught red-handed, would you?

6. Safe or Bareback? Spit or Swallow?

Planning on entering the exit-door? Do it safe; use a condom.

Just oral sex? Do it safe; spit, don't swallow.

Nothing could bum your boyfriend out better than him discovering that you gave him an STD which you caught from someone else. Worse is if it's HIV. If that will happen to me, I'll kill you. No, seriously, who wouldn't?

7. The Other Ingredient

Would you like to mix in deeper romantic emotions? Are you going to take it to the next level by developing some feelings for your 'cheat mate'? Or maybe just befriend him or make him a godfather of your newborn kid? Or will you stick to the original plan of just having pure carnal lust? Attachments beget complications, you know.

8. Maintaining the Secrecy

This one requires one very important factor. And that factor is conscience. The thing is you mustn't have any. How are you suppose to contain your secret if that still small voice keeps on bugging you? It could eat you inside out. The first instance it appears, extinguish it immediately. Because if you don't, you might soon find yourself wide awake at nights, thinking of the wrongdoing you've done. That is one sure way to lose some weight, I tell you.

Also, there is a possibility for your secret to remain undiscovered until your confession on your deathbed if you'll follow two important things. First is if you inform your cheating partner about your current relationship, as I said in number 3. At least, he would understand the situation better because he's aware of the fact that he's an accomplice. Second is if you avoid any attachments whatsoever, as I stated in number 6. It wouldn't be wise to multiply the black thread that connects you to him. It would be best if you keep it minimum.

9. The Choice for Repetition

Permanence versus transience. Did you enjoy it so much that you would like to do it again? You aren't satisfied with doing it only once? Oh, okay, you picked the first of the two then. Maybe next time, you could do it bolder or more creative. One day, you could become the king of all cheaters, with a crown made out of dildos and a silicon cape made from recycled condoms.

***

There you have it! I hope you'll find the above as useful as an atlas in an old, dusty library. If you're gonna, then use this well.

Before I end this though, please let me ask you a couple of questions... First, are you willing to do so much effort just to have a taste of another meat, which could either be different than or the same of what you're currently having? I'm telling you, the former might either be better or worse than the latter. It's trial and error, which is kind of a gamble. Second, can you really put your relationship on the line for something risky like that? Hypothetically, do you think it would be worth it?

If one of your answers is a no, then you better think twice. You may not be that kind of person. It would be best if you'll have a talk with your partner. Be open; discuss your thoughts and feelings. There might be a way for you to fix this—to banish your urges to cheat—with his help. Right the wrongs. Your relationship might have several rusted hinges that need some greasing. Who knows, this may even strengthen your relationship. As per the popular motto, honesty is the best policy.

If your answers are all yes, then go ahead. Enjoy it until you're full. Just remember one thing though, be responsible for everything you'll do. If you are caught, then be a fucking man. God gave you a pair of balls for a purpose; this is a perfect time to use them. Don't put the blame on something or someone else other than yourself. Nothing is worse than a wimp who cannot own up to his awful actions. Prostitutes are of much greater respect than these cowardly cheaters. And also, if you can still feel an ounce of guilt from your already-burning soul, ask for forgiveness. Don't you dare be the one who would even have the guts to be proud, you bastard. You hurt someone, particularly a person who loves you. They deserve some remorse from you; show it in one way or another. If you cannot, then I hope you'll perish in hell for all eternity.

Anyway, happy cheating! Or not...

"I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating." ~ Sophocles

I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/cheating.html#gbrJgTkLxBtSTsRF.99

I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/cheating.html#gbrJgTkLxBtSTsRF.99

Building Blocks And Other Shiznits

Kung magmamahal ka man, 'wag mo ibibigay ang lahat. Yung sakto lang.

Madalas ko 'yan marinig, ngunit hindi ko sinusunod. Ewan ko ba, matigas lang talaga ang ulo ko. Kapag tinanong mo ang nanay ko, hindi magdadalawang-isip yun sa pagsang-ayon.

<Commencing Pa-Deep Mode>

Kung magmamahal ka man, matuto kang kumilatis, suriin mo siyang mabuti, at kung may tiwala ka sa hatol mo, doon mo ibuhos ang nararapat, ang lahat ng kaya mo. Hindi ka karapat-dapat magmahal kung hindi mo ito kayang paghirapan; kung wala kang kakayahan na magdusa para dito. Ang tunay na nagmamahal, hinding-hindi nakakalimutan ang masalimuot na mukha ng pag-ibig.

Ituring mo ito na parang isang sugal. May panalo, may talo. Kung magwagi ka man sa unang subok, binabati kita, ang swerte mo. Beginner's luck, ika nga. Kung kabiguan ang ending mo, matuto ka mula sa iyong pagkakamali. Sigurado, sa susunod mong taya, mas alam mo na kung paano ang diskarte.

'Yan ang prinsipyong ginamit ko sa iyo nung una kitang makilala. Pinag-aralan kita. Inalam ko ang mga posibilidad na pwede nating kahantungan. Sumugal ako.

Mabuti na lang, ako'y pinalad. Kaya iprinisinta ko sa'yo ang lahat ng kaya kong ibigay.

Di na bago sa'yo ang katotohan na marami akong hirap na dinaanan, mapunta lamang tayo sa kung ano tayo ngayon. Meron akong mga sinakripisyo, may mga nagawa akong pagkakamali. Naging dahilan ako ng ilang pag-aaway natin. At alam ko na ganoon ka rin naman. Hindi naman magtatagal ang isang relasyon kung isa lang ang palaging kumikilos; teamwork kaya 'to. Kaya congratulations sa atin! Nagawa nating umabot sa ganito. At hanggang ngayon, kinakaya pa din natin.

<Pa-Deep Mode Completed>

Wala talaga akong kwenta kapag pinipilit maging malalim no? Pagpasensyahan na, trying hard lang... Well, at least sinubukan! *hmpf*

Maiba lang ako.

Nagtataka din ako minsan kung paano natin nagagawang makisalamuha sa isa't isa. Ang dami kaya nating pagkakaiba! Alam mo din yan di ba? Huh, nakalimutan mo na? *tsk tsk* Heto, ipapaalala ko sayo.

~Ulyanin ka, malakas pa ang memorya ko.
~Magaling ka umawit, madalas akong sintunado.
~Demure ka sa kama, wild naman ako.
~Bundok at gubat ang kinalakhan mo, siyudad at polusyon ang nakasanayan ko.
~Hardcore sa sarap ang mga lutuin mo, samantalang ako, magaling lang kumain.
~Masipag ka sa gawain bahay, ubod naman ako ng tamad.
~Wawents ka magbigay ng surpresa. Hindi ka marunong. Daig pa kita.
~Mahaba ang pasensya mo, alam mo kung gaano kaikli ang sa akin.
~Kapag nanonood tayo ng horror movie, halos naka-glue na sa screen ang mga mata ko, pero ikaw, nangingig sa tabi ko habang nakakapit sa bisig ko.
~Lumaki kang sanay sa putik, ako naman, diring-diri dito.
~Great listener at good advisor ka, may ADHD ako.
~Madalas kang gala. Alam mo ang pasikot-sikot ng mundo. Madalas din naman akong lumabas ng bahay. Ang problema lang, madali ako mawala. Mahina kasi ako sa geography.
~Matalino kang mag-handle ng pera; masinop at matipid. Pero ako, gastador at impulse buyer. *huhu*
~Top ka, bottom ako.

Oi! Yung huli kasinungalingan yun ha! Asa pa.

Teka, pansin ko lang, base sa mga nakalista sa itaas, parang lugi ka ata sa akin? Di kaya? Buti di ka pa nauuntog. Napakatibay talaga ng helmet na pinasuot ko sayo ah... Pero sabi nga sa isang sikat na movie na may cliche na quote, you complete me. Kaya siguro natatagalan pa kita. Ay este, 'mo pa ako' pala. *hahaha!* Sabay ngiti ng abot tenga oh.

Don't worry. Meron pa rin naman tayong pagkakatulad. Heto sila oh.

~Parehas tayong mahilig sa mahabang foreplay.
~Mahilig tayong manood ng movies and foreign television shows.
~Love natin ang mga musicals.
~We both have great friends.
~Supportive lagi tayo sa isa't-isa.
~Big deal ang pamilya sa ating dalawa.

At marami pang iba, tinatamad lang ako i-enumerate lahat. Pero I'm sure, mas mahaba dapat ang list na 'to kaysa dun sa nauna. Pramis. Mamatay man mga kurakot sa Senado.

Shangaps, naalala mo 'yung kwento ko sayo tungkol sa mga magulang ko? Magkababata sila, magkapitbahay. Hanggang magdalaga at magbinata sila, palagi nilang nakikita ang bawat isa. Si Papa, matalino't masipag na ginoo, pero barumbado't siga rin ng kanto. Si Mama, mahinhin na babae, kaso pagdating sa sugal, akala mo may PhD. First love nila ang isa't-isa, hanggang sa naging magjowa sila. Si Papa, animo'y maamong tuta kapag kasama si mudra. Umiiwas sa trobol, daig pa ang anghel. Si Mama naman, itinigil na ang bisyo sa Tong-Its. Kuntento na lang sa audience participation. *sigh* The sacrifices you do for love. Mahaba ang naging prusisyon ng relasyon nila. Kaya ang ending, sa simbahan din natuloy... 24 years later, ayun, sila pa rin. At hanggang ngayon, talo pa nila ang magsyotang high school students. Madalas nakakatuwa, minsan nakakaumay na.

Ang sweet no? Bilib ako sa kanila at naa-accomplish nila ang ganoon. Biruin mo, mula pagkabata? At first pa nila ang isa't-isa? Rare na ang ganyan ngayon sa mga straight relationships, paano pa kaya sa gaya natin? Parang sapul sa buwan na lamang. Tatagal kaya tayo ng ganon? Ano sa tingin mo? Well, I want to be optimistic. Mahirap, pero posible.

Paiba-iba ba ako ng topic? Seryoso akong nagsimula, pero patagal ng patagal ay naging sabaw na. Sorry naman.

Di ko na papahabain pa to. Baka mabatukan mo na ako. Alam kong mababasa mo ito. At kung mangyari man 'yon, itikom mo lang ang bibig mo, nangangamoy eh. *hahaha!* Biro lang. Ito naman... Kiss na lang kita. Yung torrid at wet, oks lang?

Pero seryoso, gusto kong magpasalamat. Sa lahat lahat. Hindi ako magsasawang gawin 'yan kasi ikaw ay isang constant na blessing sa buhay ko. Oha!

Hindi ko na sasabihin pa ang mga salitang halos araw-araw mo namang naririnig mula sa akin. Alam mo na din 'yon. Okie? See you later, alligator! *mwahugs!*

A Flashback To That Heartbreaking Evening

The sun had already set when I arrived outside the gate of a beautiful antique house.

Chris was not in his apartment in Pasay, so I decided to check if he already went home in Fairview. I traveled for hours searching for him, asking our friends for information regarding his whereabouts. My calls went unanswered and my text messages were all unreplied. It made me quite mad, so I was prepared to give that stupid bastard a piece of my mind. I wanted to know the reason behind all this shit. I already had an idea, but it would be better to confirm it. I was afraid that this might get out of hand if I didn't act quickly.

"Chriiiiis!" I called, twice.

A pretty woman peeked through the door, asking who I was.

"Ay tita, good evening po. Nandyan po ba si Chris?" I asked.

"Geosef? Oh, ikaw pala yan. Nandito sa loob. Halika, pasok ka," she invited.

"Naku, hindi rin po ako masyadong magtatagal. May importante lang po akong ibibigay kay Chris," I lied.

"Ah, ganon ba. Sige, teka lang ha. Tawagin ko lang siya," she said.

He made me wait for several minutes more. I'm an impatient person, so I was already fuming when he finally went out. He approached me quietly, avoiding my gaze. I noticed a bad bruise at his right temple; the details of how he got it flashed back in my memory. I felt a pang of guilt.

"Tol, mag-usap nga tayo," I started, "Ano bang problema?"

"Dapat hindi ka na nagpunta dito. Tsaka na tayo mag-usap. Umuwi ka na," he said rather coldly.

He turned and began to walk back inside. I grabbed the back of his shirt and didn't let go, not until we had fixed this mess.

"Wag mo kong tatalikuran Chris! Sinadya pa kita dito. Kanina pa ko nagtitimpi, kaya utang na loob, sabihin mo na sa 'kin kung bakit ka nag-iinarte," I said, in a very serious tone.

He gave me the coldest look I have ever seen. It was full of hatred. I knew, at that very moment, he was fighting the urge to punch me hard. I didn't let myself be intimidated by that, so I also gave him a very sharp stare, ready to start hitting him if he initiated. Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and dragged me across the street, away from their gate.

"Putanginamo pala Sepsep eh! After ng ginawa mo kagabi, may gana ka pang magpakita? Ang kapal din apog mo no?" he hissed.

"Putanginamo din! Hindi mo alam kung ano talaga ang nangyari!" I hissed back.

"Anong hindi? Ginapang mo ako, gago! Sinamantala mo ang pagkakataon habang lasing ako at namomroblema kay Jess! Hindi ka na naawa sa akin... Nakakadiri kang bakla ka! May balak ka pang hawaan ako!" he vented out, slightly raising his voice, "Wala akong idea, may pagnanasa ka pala sa 'kin! Kelan pa yan ha? Kaya ba pinilit mong maging ka-partner ako? Shit! Pasalamat ka't napipigil ko pa ang sarili ko na hindi ka patikimin ng kamao ko, which is dapat kanina ko pa ginawa!"

I was dumbfounded. I had thought of this scenario hours ago. Although I already expected he would say that, hearing it for real was still very shocking... And heartbreaking.

"Ang taas pa naman ng tingin ko sayo. Alam ba ng mga brod mo yang tungkol sa kabadingan mo? Ha?" he continued his taunts while pointing a finger in front of my face.

This fueled my anger, bringing me back to my composure, so I snapped, "Gago ka din! Makinig ka kasi muna, para ma-realize mo yang kabobohan mo!"

Before he can answer, I continued, "Walang nangyari sa ating dalawa! Wala!"

That struck him. It was evident in his face. That was something he hoped for, it seemed, even if it was just a tiny shred.

"Sigurado ka ba? Naalala ko yung hinahalikan mo ako..." he said, sounding unsure.

"Oo nga, pero---" I began.

"Eh di totoo nga! Itatago mo pa eh!" he interjected.

"Pwede bang patapusin mo muna ako? Pucha naman Chris oh! Napipikon na talaga ako ha!" I hissed.

He became silent, but his eyes were still as cold as ice, intently focused on me.

"Ganito ang totoong nangyari. Nung maubos natin ang alak, wasted ka na, nakahiga ka na at nakatingin lang sa kawalan. Ako naman, lasing na din, kaya tumabi na ako sayo. Naalala mo?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Tapos pumikit na ako gawa ng antok. Patulog na ako nung naramdaman kong bigla kang gumalaw paharap sa akin. The next thing I know, hinahalikan mo na ako ng torrid," I continued.

"Ako unang humalik sayo?! Ginagago mo ba ako? Hindi ako bakla!" he reasoned, wide-eyed.

"At bakit naman kita gagaguhin? Nagsasabi ako ng totoo! At alam kong hindi ka bakla. Lumuluha ka pa habang hinahalikan ako... Alam kong si Jess ang nasa isip mo at nadadala ka lang ng alak... Alam naman nating gumagawa ka ng kung ano-ano kapag lasing di ba? Di naman bago yon," I explained.

He looked confused, so he asked, "Teka, eh bakit ka gumanti ng halik imbes na pigilan mo ako? Don't tell me na-imagine mo din ako na kung sinong babae?"

I sighed, then smirked.

"Believe me, ginawa ko ang lahat para pigilan ka. Kaso masyado kang malakas, at nanghihina na ako gawa ng alak. Tapos dinaganan mo pa ako..." I answered, "Pero ang dahilan talaga kaya humalik na din ako ay dahil tama ka, bakla nga ako..."

"Pero!" I continued, before he can interrupt me again, "Hindi ako bakla na gaya ng iniisip mo. Wala akong pagtingin sayo; hindi kita gusto. Kaibigan lang ang turing ko sayo. Nadala lang ako ng putapeteng Gran Matador na yan; na ikaw din naman ang may kasalanan kasi ikaw ang nagdala! Aaminin ko nag-enjoy ako kaya lumaban na din ako ng halik... Pero lasing lang ako. Kung nasa tamang huwisyo lang ako, di kita papatusin no."

I know that was a lie, but I couldn't bring myself to divulge my true feelings towards him. Not this time. It wasn't the right moment. Or better yet, there will never be a right moment. Our friendship was practically ruined because of this, as well as my chances.

"Pagkatapos? Hinubaran mo na ako?" he asked.

"Asa ka pa. Ikaw naghubad sa sarili mo. Ang bilis mo nga eh. Parang three seconds lang, natanggal mo na yung shirt at pants mo," I revealed.

"Shit... Tapos tsaka mo ko chinupa?" he snarled.

"Di ba sabi ko sayo na walang nangyari? Kulit mo din no?" I said, slightly laughing, "Habang nagtatanggal ka ng damit mo, nakaramdam ako ng urge na sumuka. Ramdam ko na sa esophagus ko eh, kaya tinulak kita. Kaso ikaw, hayok na hayok. Dinaganan mo ulit ako bago mo pa mahubad yung underwear mo."

He looked bewildered, so I continued, "Ayaw kong magsuka sa kama ko, at ayaw mo din naman akong tigilan. Kaya ang ginawa ko, kinuha ko lahat ng natitira kong lakas, tapos binigyan kita ng isang malakas na suntok. Ayan oh, kaya may pasa ka diyan... Nung gumulong ka, tsaka ako tumakbo papunta sa banyo. Pagkatapos ko ilabas lahat ng kinain at ininom ko, nahimasmasan na ako ng kaunti. Nung bumalik ako sa kama, humihilik ka na... Hindi ko alam kung nakatulog ka dahil sa kamao ko, o dahil sa kalasingan... Hinang-hina na ako, kaya kinumutan na lang kita bago ako nakatulog... Naintindihan mo na?"

He didin't answer. It was obvious that he was still skeptic after hearing my story, but he believed me nonetheless. He looked pretty embarrassed as well, fidgeting as he continue to comprehend what I just told him.

I started to calm down. It was worth it, seeing his face as he realized the truth, as well as his mistake. I felt better. In a way, I was able to get back at him for ruining my weekend, the start of our semester break. If it wasn't for him, I would've been at home by now, enjoying the company of my family, instead of standing there, trying to save our friendship, which was pointless because it was already fucked up, all thanks to him.

"Ngayon, uuwi na ako para makapagpahinga. Pakiramdam ko may hangover pa rin ko... Na lumala ata dahil dito sa ginawa mo..." I said as I began to walk away.

After several quick steps, I heard him shout my name, but I just ignored him.

The saddest thing was he never ran after me.

***

Author's Note: When the next semester began, things became extremely awkward and more difficult because of our conflict, so Chris and I finally made our peace. Well, we had to; we were partners in our hospital duties. However, our closeness was significantly diminished. We made a pact to keep the incident a secret, including my homosexuality. Little by little, my love for him began to wane. I learned to detach him from my mind, until I no longer care about him. The last time I heard of news about Chris, one of our friends said that he had already migrated to New York. I looked him up several times in Facebook, but I never had the courage to click his 'Add Friend' button.

A Flashback To That Chilly Morning

I was awakened by the coldness of the room, gasping for air. 

It was still a bit dark; the sun was yet to rise. I felt groggy. Hangover. Tangina. I sat up and examined my surroundings. Sepsep was lying facedown next to me. His shirt was stained with vomit and a pool of saliva was drooling from his mouth. I chuckled. He looked very wasted.

Suddenly, a blinding pain emanated from my right temple. I touched it and flinched. Pasa? Nauntog ba ko?

Then, I realized something was off. I removed the blanket covering me and I saw that I was stripped down to my underwear. My morning wood was bulging. Pucha, bakit wala akong damit? Kaya pala ang ginaw... What's more odd was the way I was wearing my briefs. The left side was lowered, exposing some of my pubic hair. I stood up and searched for my clothes, which I found scattered on the floor.

I glanced at Sepsep as I put my clothes on. I noticed that he, on the other hand, was fully dressed. It was so confusing. *ugh* Ano bang nangyari kagabi? Pinag-tripan ba ko ng mokong na to?

I tried to jog my memory about yesternight's events. I remembered crying, yes. I also remembered being wrestled. And lastly, I remembered kissing Jess. It was a very passionate kiss. One of the best I had. Pero paano? Pumunta ba si Jess dito after namin uminom? Ang weird. Imposible yun kasi nasa probinsya siya ngayon...

I checked the bathroom, foolishly hoping to see her inside. It was empty. Takte. Sinong hinalikan ko? Panaginip lang ba yon? Pero hindi... Totoo yun eh. Tandang-tanda ko pa yung naramdaman ko...

I stared once more at my sleeping friend, thinking hard. Then, an epiphany came. I found myself stepping backward, wide-eyed as I fully realized what really occurred. It was baffling. It was unbelievable... Or rather I refused to believe it. I felt my knees weakened as beads of cold sweat traveled down my face. Hinalikan nya ako! Sinamantala nya ang kalasingan ko... Si Sepsep, bakla? May nangyari ba samin bukod dun? Kaya ba ako nakahubad? Putangina! Chinupa nya ba ako? Hindi... Imposible... Pero bakit? Gawa ng alak? Normal lang ba na mangyari ang ganito?

I racked my mind for any homosexual behaviors that Sepsep might have displayed in the past, for signs which he might have shown that could indicate if he has romantic feelings towards me. I forced my brain to remember. More than one year's worth of memories flashed back inside my head. All those times I spent with him played like a movie in front of me. Oo, malambing siya at maalalahanin; hindi siya nakakalimot mangamusta; lagi siyang maaasahan pagdating sa mga pakiusap ko. Pero hindi ko naman nakitaan ng malisya kasi akala ko bromance lang yun or something. Member pa nga to ng frat at madalas mapaaway. Hindi... Hindi talaga pwede... Lalaki tong si Sepsep... Mali ang iniisip mo Chris...

However, try as I might, I couldn't really ignore the idea that was burning up inside me. It was eating me alive. I couldn't come up with a sensible explanation for what happened the night before. Right then, I could only think of two things: Sepsep is gay and he took advantage of me.

In a matter of seconds, the anxiety turned into rage. I looked at Sepsep with an unparalleled disgust. I was shaking violently as I clenched my clammy hands. I badly wanted to hit him, to cause him pain in exchange for what he did to me. But I couldn't move; my feet were rooted on the spot. I saw the empty bottles on the floor. I resisted the urge to grab one and smash it on his head. I was clearly a mess. I was anxious about what Jess would say if she learned about this. I was worried about what my family would think if they discover what had transpired. And I was afraid about what more would Sepsep do if I just let this pass.

The room was beginning to get brighter. I felt like I was standing there for hours. I couldn't take it any longer. I felt extremely weak. My head was on the verge of imploding from all the struggle, hence, without thinking, my feet started to move. I had to get away from that place as far as possible.

While in a trance, I bolted towards the door.

To be concluded...

A Flashback To The Previous Night

"Sepsep?" he called, knocking softly.

I quickly abandoned my laptop and went to answer the door.

It was Chris, my best buddy in college, leaning at the doorway, looking glum. He's mestizo, a little hairy, and has a flawless complexion. He's got round eyes, partnered with a well-proportioned nose and pink virgin-like lips. His body is of average size with some traces of baby fat. Some people say that his angelic looks are a waste because of his height. He's short, standing at only 5'1". However, in my eyes, this made him much cuter and more irresistible. He's quick-witted (unlike me), funny, and very loyal. For me, he's the perfect guy.

The first time I saw him one year ago, I immediately had a crush on him. We were group-mates on our practicum, and he was my constant partner during patient rounds. We have the same interests, like video games, horror movies, and American T.V. shows, so it didn't take us long before we became very close. We have so many things in common, except for one: he likes pechays, I like talongs. Yup, he's pretty much straight, so imagine my disappointment. Unfortunately, in spite of knowing this, I didn't do any measures to suppress my feelings. The more I spent time with him, the deeper I fell. One day, I just realized I was already in love with him. Damn.

A few hours earlier, I was busy in my apartment, packing up my stuff. It was the start of our summer break after our junior year, and I was planning to spend it in Cavite.  I was almost done when I received an SMS from Chris saying, "Tol nasa apartment ka pa ba? Punta sana ako. May dala akong alak."

"Ano na naman kayang problema nito?" I murmured, then I hit the reply button and said, "Dito pa ko. What's up?"

"Si Jess kasi... Pwede bang bukas ka na lang umuwi?" he asked.

Jess was his girlfriend of 5 years. Lately, their misunderstandings became frequent; they fought more often. Judging from his message, I sensed something serious had occurred.

"Oks. Walang problema. Para sayo tol," was my reply. *hihihi*

Going back to the present, he proceeded to my bed after handing me a heavy plastic bag. Inside were 3 bottles of Gran Matador. Fuck. I ain't a hard drinker.

I gave him the first shot. He took it without further ado. I wanted to begin lightly, so we only made small talk. Our recent final exams, the instructors we deeply hate, and our last hospital duty for the semester.

We consumed the first bottle while conversing about other random things. Chris was obviously tipsy now, so I asked, "Ano palang problema tol?"

This instantly shifted his mood. From being bubbly, he became dead serious.

After a minute of painful silence, he answered in a low voice, "Putangina nyang si Jess eh... Tuloy na tuloy na talaga ang pag-migrate nila sa Canada."

"Oh. Akala ko ba napag-usapan nyo na yan? Matagal ng plano ng pamilya nya yan di ba?" I reminded.

"Oo, pero ang usapan namin, walang hiwalayan! Na susubukan namin i-work out ang relationship namin kahit long distance," he said, raising his voice.

I remained quiet and just poured him a glassful of brandy.

"Ang de puta, nakipaghiwalay kanina! Kesyo daw hindi nya kaya ang ganon. Most likely, magfe-fail lang daw. Eh putangina nya pala eh! Ang sabihin nya, ayaw na talaga nya!" he continued.

*tsk tsk* Second stage of grieving: Anger. He's now devilish, asking for more booze, and I was already tipsy as well. I had to keep it controlled because Chris gets literally crazy and wild when drunk.

"Baka naman magbago pa ang isip nya tol. Malay mo, makita nya na mali ang desisyon nya..." I said.

"Asa pa! Eh pano, trip nya yung classmate nyang varsity player! Porke't mas matangkad lang yon? Dami pa nyang dahilan! Pokpok siya... Nilandi lang siya, bumigay agad yung puke nya!" he yelled.

"Huy, wag ka maingay! Papagalitan tayo. Chill ka lang... Umandar na naman yang insecurity mo sa height mo. Sigurado naman akong mas gwapo ka dun tol. Kawalan na ni Jess kung ayaw na nya sayo. Eto, uminom ka na lang." I said.

His rants went on until we emptied the second bottle. I was now beyond tipsy, but I fought the dizziness. I should remain conscious and aware, since Chris was already drunk as fuck. He became suddenly quiet, as if deep in thought.

This was when I felt weird. Somehow, his innocence and vulnerability were turning me on. I badly wanted to throw myself at him, to comfort him in my arms, and to let him feel my love. But I resisted. As Chris bathed in his unstable emotions, I was having my own internal struggle. Self-control, Sepsep. He doesn't need you that way.

I snapped out of my reverie when I saw Chris searching frantically for something. Uh oh. This doesn't look good.

"Oi, anong gagawin mo?" I asked.

"Tatawagan ko si Jess. Kelangan malaman nya na hindi ko kaya... Kung kinakailangan  magmakaawa ako, gagawin ko..." he said in slurred speech while dialing.

Shit! Third Stage: Bargaining! I sprang from my seat, reaching for his phone. He raised his hands, clearly putting up a fight. I jumped over him and tried to wrestled it out of his grip. My cock began to stir as he fidgeted under me. Oh my God. My body against his; it was ecstatic! I saw his pants getting loose because of all his squirming, revealing a portion of his white underwear and the top of his buttcrack. Fuuuuuck! I wished for that moment to never end. Seriously, even though it was very exhausting.

After several failed attempts, I finally won. I pocketed his phone and went back to my seat, not removing my eyes off him. He became mute again. I tried to appease the hard-on that was currently raging in my shorts, positioning it sideways so it wouldn't be obvious.

"Tangina, kung pwede lang sanang ibigay sayo to para ma-wrestling kita ulit..." I thought, but I dismissed it.

We were halfway on our last Gran Matador when he began to cry profusely. *sigh* Fourth stage: Depression. He was hugging one of my pillows, rocking back and forth, speaking incoherently. He looked pitiful. I felt my heart breaking as I watched him undergo this grief. That bitch... Look at what she did to Chris! She doesn't know what she gave up. That whore deserves to be gang raped! For almost an hour, he wept while I sat in front of him. I didn't know what to do, so I just continued the shots until the last drop.

I couldn't believe that we drank all of it. I expected otherwise. I guess we really needed that, to aid us with our own heartaches. Chris was already in a state of silent delirium; he's lying down, staring blankly into the ceiling. I, on the other hand, was feeling extremely nauseous. The room was spinning, so I left our mess on the table and positioned myself beside him.

The silence was deafening as we lay idly. I glanced at him. His teary gaze was still fixed upwards. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I just pleased myself by basking at his handsome albeit solemn face. After that, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warm feel of his skin. I was starting to enter into stupor when I sensed him turn sharply; I was stirred. What I felt next was something I never expected, not in a million years.

Suddenly, his soft lips began to burrow torridly into mine. My eyes flew open. His face was contorted in an expression I couldn't fathom. I was frozen in shock. What the fuck?! Is this for real?! I grabbed his shoulders and tried pushing him away as I moaned in protest. In response, he gripped both sides of my head, locking our position and making it harder for me to move. Why am I resisting? I should be enjoying this! I tried to get up, but he overpowered me, pinning me down further using his weight. I was helpless; the nausea made me very weak. I couldn't think clearly anymore, so I let go and gave in to pure bliss.

To be continued...

A Flashback To That Hot Afternoon

The intense heat woke me up.

I was lying facedown, my body was drenched in sweat. Fortunately, I was no longer nauseous, but I was still giddy. My head throbbed menacingly. My throat was dry and sore; it was begging for water. Did I throw up that much last night?

I searched for my phone among the tangled mess of blankets and pillows on my side. 1:46PM, the screen showed. I stared at it for a few seconds before I realized something was amiss. He's gone! I instantly sat bolt upright, worsening my headache.

"Chris!" I shouted.

No answer. I yelled once more. I was hoping that maybe he's just inside the bathroom, but only silence answered me. Where the fuck did he go? Did he already leave without waking me up? If so, then why? He knows I hate people who leave without saying goodbye.

I checked my phone again. There were no text messages. I tried calling him thrice. Each time, it went unanswered. Nada nada nada. Am I being ignored? Or is he just busy? I sent an SMS saying, "Hey saan ka now? What time ka umalis? Di ka man lang nagpaalam. Ano ba meron?" before I tossed it back beside me.

I turned my gaze towards the mirror positioned in front of my bed. I surveyed my reflection. I looked pretty fucked up. My hair was fizzy, my face was glistening with sweat and oil, and my shirt was stained. My expression was contorted in confusion and irritation. What the hell is happening?

There was still no reply from him, so I forced myself to remember the previous night's events. And that's when it hit me.

Suddenly, I was in a state of panic. I immediately stood up and went in circles. Is that the reason? Fuck! What should I do in this situation? What happened last night was just a mistake! Hell, it wasn't even my fault! So, this is what I get for doing the right thing? In fact, he should even thank me!

I stopped, sighed deeply, and said, "Tangina mo lang talaga, Chris..."

To be continued...