FOREWORD ~ THIS BLOG CONTAINS HOMOSEXUAL STORIES WITH EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Overcompensation Of The Underrated

5 weeks ago.

We were at Lanie's to hang out. Theo, Rey, and Ace arrived there first. I joined them an hour later.

At first, I was a little hesitant to come. The last time I saw my ex was during our mid-January trip in Aklan. After that, we mutually agreed to cease all kinds of communication between us, to help him to move on completely.

On my way there, I prepared myself to be warm and friendly towards him. That night, however, he was kinda aloof and somehow withdrawn—the exact opposite of his usual self. I can't force him to act otherwise, so I just decided to focus on my friends. Amidst the little tension in the air, the dinner went well. There was the usual exchange of jokes, insults, and anecdotes. Ace seldom talked to me directly, so I also did the same.

All of us were doing our best to ignore the elephant in the room, and it was going quite well until my gaze fell on a familiar paper bag sitting in a corner. It was Ace's, and upon seeing it, I instantly knew that it's trouble.

What occurred next made the elephant grew much bigger.

Ace must've caught me looking at the bag, because he suddenly uttered, "Sa'yo nga pala yan, Sep."

I stared at him, unsure of what to do, but he just nodded at me. I took the bag and opened it. Inside were a personalized apron, a customized plaque, a metal mug holder, a framed picture, a handful of letters and notes, a wooden coaster, a ceramic tic-tac-toe puzzle, and several laminated photos; almost all the things I gave him throughout our 3-year relationship.

To add insult to injury, he said, "Hindi ko pa naisama yung mga damit, yung coffee maker, at yung pressure cooker. Next time na lang ang mga 'yun."

I didn't expect all of it, so the blow was painful. I had no idea that the said gesture could hurt so bad. It's like being punched in the face, while you're already on the floor, writhing in pain because you were kicked initially in the groin. I was stunned. I wondered if that's the reason why I was invited.

For a while, I was so immersed with my own thoughts I didn't notice that the room became quiet. Theo and Rey were busy with their mobile phones, but I knew they were just feigning it. I never threw Ace another glance again. Lanie was nowhere in sight, so I stood up, searched, and found her in the kitchen, tending the dishes. I glumly approached her as she faced me with a knowing look.

"Iwan ko muna dito yung mga 'yun ha. Pakitago na lang. Di ko kaya iuwi sa bahay eh..." I requested.

She nodded and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Honestly? Hindi..." I answered.

"Pero naintindihan mo naman, di ba?" she prodded.

"I little bit... Sa totoo lang, it doesn't make much sense eh," I said.

"At bakit naman?" she quizzed.

"Nagulat ako. I didn't expect na it's something na magagawa ni Ace," I reasoned.

"Well, sometimes may mga bagay tayong nagagawa na di inaasahan, especially when we're hurt, di ba?" she countered.

With that, I shrugged. I didn't know what else to say, so I rejoined the trio in the living room and just sat in silence. I couldn't force myself to be cheery again; the damage was done. Fortunately, it didn't take long before we called it a night. I guess the main event was over, so it was no longer necessary to overstay our welcome.

That night, I went home with a heavy heart.

***

My phone rang as soon as I got home. It was Rey.

"Tol musta ka?"

"Heto malungkot..."

"Nakita ko nga yung mukha mo kanina nung buksan mo yung paper bag, para kang namatayan..."

"Sorry ha, nawala ako sa mood."

"Actually, ako nga dapat ang mag-sorry sayo eh..."

"Bakit?"

"Eh kasi idea ko 'yun. Ako yung pumilit kay Ace na gawin yun..."

"Di nga?"

"Oo tol... Kagabi pa namin kasama si Ace. Tumambay kami sa bahay niya for dinner then uminom after. Dun na kami ni Theo natulog. Nalasing ata siya kagabi. Umiiyak siya tapos paulit-ulit na sinasabi yung name mo... Si Theo nakapagpatahan sa kanya..."

"Ahuh..."

"Then naalala ko yung nabasa ko sa book ni Ramon Bautista; para mas madali ang pagmo-move on, dapat isauli yung mga binigay na gamit. Ayaw pa nga niya nung una, pero napilit na lang namin siya..."

"Pakingshet na Ramon Bautista 'yan oh..."

"Sorry talaga tol ha, it was a mistake. Sobrang bad idea pala, parehas pa kayong nasaktan..."

I could clearly hear the sincerity and the genuine regret in my best friend's voice, so I kept calm. Besides, I was in no position to get upset anyway.

"Wala yun tol. Naintindihan ko. Tama lang yung ginawa niyo. In the end, I'm sure na maganda rin ang outcome ng nangyari kanina."

"Basta Sep, sorry for hurting you ha, di namin sinasadya... Di na rin namin kasi kaya na makitang nahihirapan si Ace nang dahil sa'yo..."

"No worries. Kayo na bahala sa kanya. Just continue to help him, I'll be fine on my own. Thanks Rey."

I hung up soon after.

That night, my heart was split in two.

***

I was already lying idly in bed when my phone rang once more. This time, it was Ace.

"Sorry sa kanina ha..."

His voice was very solemn, as if it was coming from a dark abyss, so I made mine as cheerful as I can. I also forced a gentle smile, because I know that we are capable of hearing such in someone's voice.

"Cheer up, Ace. Oks lang yun."

"Hindi Sep, I saw your reaction earlier, at parang nadurog yung puso ko..."

"Nakausap ko na si Rey. He explained it to me. Naintindihan ko naman, so don't worry na."

"Ang hirap-hirap kasi Sep... Bakit nangyayari lahat ng 'to..."

I could hear his voice already breaking. I knew what was coming, so it made mine croaky as well. In minutes, we were both weeping. All of the emotions bottled up earlier gushed out like an unforgiving waterfall. Talking became difficult in between uncontrollable sobs. Breathing became labored, as my airways clogged up. This is why I don't like crying; things get pretty rough.

"Sorry Ace... For causing you all of this. Sa totoo lang, until now, hindi ko pa rin napapatawad ang aking sarili sa mga nangyari. Galit pa rin ako sa sarili ko..."

He chose not to answer. We sobbed in silence for several minutes.

"Still there Ace?"

"Yes..."

"You may just sell or give away the clothes, yung coffee maker, at yung pressure cooker... Please don't return it to me, di ko rin kasi magagamit ang mga iyan."

"No need. I'll keep them. At kukunin ko rin kay Lanie yung mga isinauli ko. I realized that this did more harm than good. Bad idea talaga siya. This isn't the right way to forget..."

"Are you sure? Kasi naintindihan ko naman ng buo. Do whatever you can to move on. I'll fully support you."

"Thanks Sep, but I'll be fine. Don't worry about me anymore. After what happened tonight, I can handle myself better now."

"What do you want me to do? How can I help?"

"Siguro let's just continue yung totally walang communication. No texts, no calls... I will also unfriend you on Facebook."

"Okay, I understand. Again, I'm very sorry... I hope you'll be able to forgive me for everything..."

"Matagal na kitang pinatawad Sep, kahit hindi ka pa nagso-sorry. Ang kailangan ko nang gawin ngayon ay ang lumimot. Anyway, thanks ulit."

"Thanks din."

"Bye..."

That night, my pillow was soaked with tears.

52 comments:

  1. If I can only give you a hug, I will. The scenarios you described in your post were all so familiar I wanted to stop reading but I continued. The only present I got from my very first special person is still with me, boxed and taken care of. It reminds me of my unrequited love and with no regrets because I knew that once in my life I learned how to love. It hurts for both of you because you love each other dearly. I am not asking for both of you to get back together but It would be something wonderful.

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    1. Having your presence here Cher Jo is enough. Thank you. :)

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  2. Kung ako ang nasa posisyon mo, kukunin ko ang mga gamit, sayang ang pressure cooker. Para sakin, ang pagabalik ng gamit ay paawa effect. Kung ibabalik sakin ang gamit, kukunin ko sabay talikod at di na lilingon muli. Hard noh, but thats the reality.

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    1. Those things are useless to me, so ayaw ko kunin.

      Well, opinyon mo yan...

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  3. Virtual hug through blog comment sent. XOXO (baklang bakla lang?)

    I hope malampasan nyo yan. Di ko alam kung ano pakiramdam sa ganyang sitwasyon pero sabi nila it's losing a part of you. A feeling of incompleteness daw. Hainyway, be strong to the both of you.

    I understand and agree with what he did. But letting go of ur things doesn't have to be giving them back.

    Just my two cents.

    Pavirtual hug nga ulet.

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    1. Whatever works for him, I'll understand. Pero he decided na bawiin yung ginawa niya, so I won't stop him either. Thanks FSOQ, for being there always. Hugs! :)

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    2. sasali ako sa hug na ito hahahaha

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    3. Sige. Ikaw Seth sa harap, si FSOQ sa likod. *hehe*

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    4. pwede ba ako yung nasa gitna ng spit fire? hahahaha

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  4. *powerhug* babysep. I knew you were going through a lot. Dati, naisip ko sunugin yung mga binigay sakin na mga bagay ni ex, pero hindi na lang. I just had it all boxed and nakatago kung san sa bahay.

    Sabi nga ni Leona Lewis, .... it will all get better in time....

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    1. Thanks babykat! This was 5 weeks ago pa, and iba na ang pinagdadaanan ko currently. But I'm good nonetheless; I'm just sharing this story. :)

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  5. Replies
    1. Yes, madalas din akong mapabuntong-hininga. *hehe* Sorry for the negative post!

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  6. Naimagine ko parang ito yung dinner ng barkada nila Popoy at Basha sa one more chance yung nagwarla si Popoy yung sabi niya "May three months pa ko." Hehe!

    Nasasaktan din ako. Hahahaha!

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    Replies
    1. I meant nasasaktan habang binabasa ko toh feeling ko ako si Ace.

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    2. Di ko pa napapanood yun. *hehe* Actually, siya yung anonymous na nag-comment sa isang previous post mo.

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    3. Ay talaga? Siya pala yun. Paki sabi hindi lang siya ang nakakaranas ng nararamdaman niya ngayon. Hindi siya nag iisa :)

      Awkward ba kung ikaw magsasabi? Hahaha. Joke lang

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    4. Unang basa ko pa lang sa comment, alam kong siya na. Kabisado ko kasi kung paano siya magsulat. *hehe*

      No need, I'm sure mababasa niya yung pinapasabi mo.

      Delete
    5. Ganun niyo na kakilala ang isat isa noh? May mga gusto akong itanong sayo eh bilang di ko naman makausap yung boyfriend ko este [ex] boyfriend ko...

      Gusto ko lang malaman kung bakit? Hindi ba kayo natatakot sa karma? Hindi ba kayo natatakot na baka hindi na kayo uli makahanap ng tunay at totoong love? hindi ba kayo natatakot na pag natagpuan niyo na yung taong magpapatino sa inyo at mamahalin niyo ng buong buo at totoo eh sila naman ang mang ga-gago sa inyo? S

      Sorry sa mga tanong ko ah. wag mo sana ma misinterpret alam ko namang open minded ka eh

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    6. Teka, we have different stories, Nomad. Iba ang reason ng break up niyo sa amin. So I am in no position to answer your questions as accurately as possible. Hindi ko alam kung ano tumatakbo sa isip ng ex mo, lalo na't hindi ko naman siya kilala. Pasensya na rin.

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  7. Bullshit. Ginawa rin yan sakin before ng first boyfriend ko. Insulting actually. Sana pinamigay mo na lang, sinunog mo, sinira mo, pwede ring itapon. Pero huwag mo nang ibabalik kasi hindi ko naman hinihingi? Isa pa, sincere yung pagbigay ko ng mga regalo nung mga panahong iyon.

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    Replies
    1. Yep, yan din yung naramdaman ko nung pagkakita ko sa loob ng bag. Nainsulto ako. Pero pinilit ko na lang intindihin; it's not about me anyway. Ayaw kong maging selfish...

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    2. sorry, but he took a very stupid advice and i don't care if it came from ramon bautista. it never helped but burned the bridge more. the most mature way is to find a way to deal with the memories, not return them.

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    3. Well, that makes sense Seth. May strong point ka naman. But I can't put myself in his shoes, so I'm maintaining an open mind kahit papaano. :)

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  8. Kaw rin pala may dalahin. *bro hug na mahigpit*

    Gets na gets ko yung do everything to move on. Parang you have get rid of everything that reminds you of that someone - lahat ng connections, ways of communication, while maintaining a civil relationship sa occasional na pagkikita.

    Pero yung isauli yung gamit, parang mejo harsh na. For practical reasons, tinago ko pa rin yung mga binigay sa akin. I just consider it as souvenirs ng isang di malilimutang karanasan.

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, tapos na 'to since this happened weeks ago, pero salamat sa bro hug. :)

      That's one way of looking at things though, to treat them as souvenirs of a failed relationship. Because of what happened, hindi na ko maniniwala kay Ramon Bautista. *haha*

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  9. Move on na 'teh , cliche man , pero totoo , time heals all wounds ... in no time at all , you'll get over this for sure ... sabi nga sa isang kantang narinig ko " pag-iyak ay magtatagal ng magdamag , ngunit galak ay dumarating sa umaga ..." just my two cents : )

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    1. Thanks Kuya Ed. Pero tapos naman na to, oks na ko sa ngayon. I just shared this because it's a good sad story.

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  10. OMGGGG. My heart broke in two rin! Shetttttt.
    Pero, for me, nung time ko rin ang moving on, hindi yan way to move on. Tama, it will do more harm than good. Ang unang step to move on is to love yourself more.
    Tara inom tayo!

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    Replies
    1. Hindi rin solusyon ang alak pero sige gusto ko yan. *haha* Mag-post ka na lang Ate Nyabachoi, solb na ko dun. :D

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  11. This is really sad. Shit. Can't imagine the pain you're going through right now. I hate breakups/goodbyes but I also think it's necessary. Thanks for sharing this. John :)

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    1. Maraming salamat for the sympathy John, but the pain was already over, don't worry. I'm okay now. Binahagi ko lang itong istorya because of the lesson (if meron man, lol) it contains. Besides, isang part lang to. Di ko pa napipinta ang buong picture. :)

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  12. Sigh... sigh... sigh... anu ba yan Sep, patulog na nga lng ako ganito pang klase ng post ang nabasa ko T_T

    Well counting down the days... this is the time na bigla kang nag deactivate ng fb at nag close temporarily ng blog diba?

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    Replies
    1. Uy Fiel, sorry naman. Wala pa ko gana magsulat ng kabastusan eh. *haha*

      Uhm, nangyari ito before yun. Ito yung time na sinabi nung best friend ko na hahuntingin niya yung blog ko. :P

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  13. This is heart breaking. Co-bloggers symphatize on you, they know what you're going through somehow they also felt the pain kaya marami ang nagkomento. Siguro hindi kami sanay sa ganitong post mo na malungkot kaya parang nagulat kami (sanay kami sa naughty post, hehe), lahat tayo dumadaan sa ganyang stage, iba-ibang kwento nga lang pero 'yung pain halos pare-pareho, 'yung luha na pwede mong iiyak sa loob ng isang taon ibinuhos mo sa isang gabi lang. Very effective 'yung post hindi lang siya basta isinulat dama namin 'yung pinagdaanan mo kaya pati kami nadala pero sabi mo 5 weeks ago pa 'yan so we suppose okay na okay ka na dahil lampas ka na sa recovery period.
    Enough with the drama balik na sa real world. Goodluck sa bagong lovelife and hope everything's now is fine. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Honestly, wala naman akong naramdamang lungkot or any heavy emotions while writing this. Sariwa lang talaga sa alaala ko yung feelings na naramdaman ko. *hehe*

      Tsaka na ang naughty post. Magpapakatino muna ako sa ngayon. *nyahaha*

      Maraming salamat Kuya Ramil! :D

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  14. sarap humiga sa kama pag ganyan...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...at tumitig lang sa kisame hanggang sa makatulog.

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    2. pagdilat mo, madilim ang paligid...tanging sinag na galing sa labas ang nagsisilbing liawanag sa kwarto.

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    3. liwanag ng bukang-liwayway... simbolo ng isang bagong simula...

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  15. awh~ i just got back to blogging and I read this.. heavy feels for you

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