3 things...
***
More than a month has passed since Ace and I ended our relationship. I used a previous entry as a metaphor for one of our last conversations.
I'm sorry if I still can't tell all the details regarding what happened. I have yet to resist getting plunged into a moment of sadness whenever I think about all of it.
All I can say is that everything was my fault. I am to blame for all that transpired.
I am still angry at myself. I have yet to forgive the nasty little guy inside me. That miniature bastard that, in spite of everything I have learned and experienced so far in my wretched homosexual life, still needs to grow up.
Maybe someday, I'll finally be able to talk about it. But I don't think it would be soon.
Maybe once I accepted my weaknesses; when all the wounds have healed.
***
A recent conversation with my best friend...
Rey: Sep, ano yung naririnig ko na blog mo? Balita ko meron ka daw ah?
Me: Sino nagsabi sa'yo? Wala 'yun. Wag mo na alamin.
Rey: Dali na... Ano nga? Ang damot mo...
Me: Wala nga... Puro shit lang ang nandoon. Wag ka na mag-abala...
Rey: *hmp* Ah basta, hahanapin ko 'yang blog mo. Expert pa naman ako sa internet. Mahahanap ko rin 'yan, hintayin mo...
Me: Uh oh... *gulp*
***
Tinatamad na kong mag-blog.
Kaso nanghihinayang ako dun sa mga nakapila sa drafts ko. Marami-rami pa 'yun. Mga kwento, opinyon, at kung ano-anong kabaklaan at kalaswaan. Gaya ng mga nasa ibaba; all set na ang topic, isusulat na lang.
Pero wala pa talaga akong ganang magsulat. Maghahanap muna ako ng gana; baka nandiyan lang sa paligid, pakalat-kalat.
Sa ngayon, blog-hopping muna ang trip ko. :)
Really sad that you'll be on hiatus (nga ba?). Hope that you'll be okay soon. Don't worry coz I, and all your avid readers, will be waiting for your return. John :)
ReplyDeleteMagpapahinga lang siguro ako, John. Nakaka-burnout din pala ang maging blogger. *hehe*
DeleteMaraming salamat for sticking with me ha. I hope to meet you guys someday. :D
I got confused because of that metaphor. Me and my usual gullible self. Nagets ko lang ng magpalit ka ng kanta.
ReplyDeleteAw. You will be missed sep if the hiatus will be pushed through
Di ko na maalala yung song na ginamit ko dun. Pasensya na ha, sinadya kong gawing magulo para di halata.
DeleteDi naman siguro hiatus... More like, uhm, finding inspiration again. Parang 'Starting Over Again' ang peg? *hehe* I love reading blogs so bibista pa rin ako sa inyo. :)
Thanks FSOQ!
Ang tagal kong di nakapagbasa ng blog mo. Hhhmmm, i hope magbalik ka. Basta, kaya mo yan! Jo
ReplyDeleteI shall return! *hehe* Na-miss rin kita, Jo! :)
DeletePlease, just return. :) magbakasyon ka lang. Mga 2weeks. Ok na yun. At bumalik ka bilang isang bagong mandirigma. Hahaha we're fb friends na. I'll pm you soon. :)
Delete*hmmm* I guess pwede na yung ganun kahaba. *hehe*
DeleteAh, oo! Ngayon ko lang napag-connect. :)
tambay ka lang sa crib ko baka may mahanap kang inspiration doon somewhere. lol
ReplyDeletepero dude i feel you. it just meant to be. may better na nakalaan para sa iyo.
Sure, di naman ako nakaka-miss ng post mo Cy. :)
DeleteSalamat sa pag-feel! *hehe*
When you started writing, your goal was to share your stories, maybe another thing is to let it out of your system because it was something hard to just keep to yourself- the emotions and lessons learned are worth-sharing. (Oo, ikaw na ang may sexlife na worth-reading, lol! Pero di para sakin, yung mga lessons, oo. Haha) It is inspiring and flattering to have a lot of readers, followers and admirers of what you write. Sometimes, it puts pressure that the author would want to write more, and write better. But when we write, we write for ourselves. No pressure. Just pure love for the art of writing, more importantly, the kindness of heart to share to others what you have realized in the end because that's what matters. Take your time, babysepsep. For sure, your followers will still be here and if you go on hiatus, there will be more who will follow you (andami kayang bakla sa mundo, hahahaha)
ReplyDeleteIm just afraid, sana yung friendship natin, hindi mag-hiatus or else, wala nang magchcheck ng papel! Haha.. Labyuberimeni.
Actually, nagsimula akong magsulat para magpapansin. *hehe* Biro lang. Na-achieve ko na naman ang plano kong mag-share ng lessons na natutunan ko. And napatunayan ko na sa sarili ko ang capacity ko sa pagsusulat. Pero meron lang talagang "sarap" na binibigay ang pagsusulat kaya hindi ako tumigil noon, kahit na hindi ko plano ang magpatuloy.
DeleteI will, babykat. Sana nga hindi sila mawala, kasi hindi naman talaga ako magha-hiatus. Hahanapin ko lang yung nawala kong gana. Andyan lang yun, pakalat-kalat. *hehe*
And opkors, as long as teacher ka, tutulungan kita mag-check ng peypers. Pramis. :3
HA?!
ReplyDeleteI know, I know... *sigh*
DeleteThis is just a phase. everything that is happening to your life affects one from another -ripples. like what John Green said on his book fault in our stars "some infinities are bigger than other infinities" but one by one you'll get through it.. look at your life alphabet, you've been through a lot and surpassed all of them from A- Z.
DeleteI guess what I'm trying to say is I know you can surpass this and everything will be back to normal :)
I guess, deep inside, I know that too. Thanks Nomad! Mabasa nga din yang 'Fault In Our Stars' na yan. :)
DeleteAy! baka mas lalo kang ma depress wag yan! Hahahaha! dapat sayo yung love and misfortune by lang leav. haven't read the book pero mukang maganda. sabi its about ill-fated love affair. The journey from love to heartbreak to finding love again.
DeleteCurious din ako dun book na yun eh. Marami akong kakilala na binasa na yun. *hehe*
DeleteAaahh.. go lang basahin mo na before pa sya ipalabas. may sasabihin pala ako nakalimutan ko kasi bout dun sa behavior mo sa pagba-blog... maybe you're doing it for the wrong reasons or maybe you just need to feed your soul *winks*
Delete*hmmm* That's one way of looking sa problem. Maybe wala na nga akong enough reason to go on. Maybe I need a new one.
DeleteYou don't need a new one, what difference it would make? You need to feed your soul go out to the world, read books, collect stories fuel your life. Hay Geosef, Why am I always affected with what's happening to you.
Deletecliche na nga : time will heal all wounds : )
ReplyDeletelagot ka sa friend mo he he he : )
hiatus , hibernation ? okay lang yan but I am sure , before you know it , you had came back with a vengeance he he he
smile : )
I shall return! *hehe* Marami pa kong baong kwento. >:)
Deleteang bilis mo naman maburn-out. :) parang ngayon pa lang nag-i-start na dumami yung readers and followers ng blog na ito.
ReplyDelete'yung iba maraming taon ang binibilang bago magkaroon ng maraming readers but this blog caught co-bloggers attention sa hindi gaanong mahabang panahon pero minsan dumadating talaga sa ganyang stage ang mga sumusulat.
malay natin, sa isang araw may bagong "adventures" na ulit na nakapost sa blog na 'to.
:)
Dahil siguro sa big change na nangyari sa buhay ko lately kaya ayun, napuno na ang salop. :P
DeleteKaya nga Kuya Ramil eh. Nakakapanghinayang din talaga. Kaya di ko to bibitawan, pahinga lang saglit. :)
Mas masarap magsulat ng may pinaghuhugutan. I hope you change your mind.
ReplyDeleteFor sure I will. Maghahanap pa ko ng paghuhugutan. :)
DeleteDarating tlga sa point ang gnyan sep mawawlan ng gana hahaha ako ilang bses na !
ReplyDeleteRelate much ako sa conversation mo sa offce kasi ndi nila alam na ganito ako at may blog ako kung saan sobrang open ako , ayun one time na tsismis ng ka wave ko na blogger ako ayun hinanap nila at itong si girly na medyo techie sa net nahanap niya ako at alam na niya na ganito ako hahaaha
Naku, sana hindi mahanap ng best friend ko to. Kundi lagot lagot na. *haha*
Deletesabi nga nila may mga bagay na bigla mo na lamang naiisip na ihinto ko muna kaya tignan nating kung anu ang magiging resulta at kung anuman ang resulta maging masaya ka..
ReplyDeleteSayang naman kung mawawala ka pero parte din naman iyon ng isang manunulat di ba?
Di naman ako mawawala po. Nandito lang ako, nagbabasa pa din. Sooner or later, magpo-post din ako. Kapag may gana na ulit. :)
Deletebulbol. hindi ko pwedeng maipayo sa iyo ang mga ginagawa ko pero sasabihin ko na din baka kahit papaano makatulong. When you feel that you are one responsible for everything or should I say, you should be the one to blame, then dont focus on that particular situation, madaming mas magandang bagay sa mundo ang pwedeng isipin, sa isang malaking bilog na tinatawag na mundo, isa ka lang tuldok, ayaw mo bang iexplore ang ibang parte ng bilog na yun at manatili lang tuldok na nakatayo kung nasan ka ngayon? try mo, masaya. :) I know you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteAng deep naman. Mariana Trench levels ang deepness. *hehe* Pero na-gets ko... I think. :)
DeleteSalamat Mark.
andami mo pa draft ang sipag mo. hehe
ReplyDeleteok lang yan kung kelan ko mo feel mag sulat dun ka magsulat. halata kasi kapag ipinipilit lang ganyan. basta take your time and enjoy :-)
Tama. Kita kapag tuyot na talaga sa ideas at enthusiasm... Sana magbalik na sila sa akin soon. *hehe* Thanks Mac. :)
DeleteWala akong payo dahil masalimuot ang nilalaman ng posting na ito. Secrecy, relationship, burn out but worry not, we all pass through all these changes. Maybe for the better, the changes are needed to make ourselves grow. Nobody can take your place in this blogging world because each one of us is unique so taking a rest is like going on a vacation. Write when the right time comes and we will still be here for you.
ReplyDeleteMaraming salamat for those kind words, Cher Jo. I hope this 'vacation' will be quick though. :)
DeleteThis is the last time that I will be visiting your blogsite too so please bear with me and allow my open letter to be published here.
ReplyDeleteI write this today because I don't think I will have the strength tomorrow. The day that reminds everyone of the bliss and happiness that true love brings will be a reminder to me of the love I lost. Tomorrow you will be celebrating in the arms of the the lucky man who took your heart from me. For the first time, he'll have the opportunity to feel how great it is to be loved by you.The feeling that I had been enjoying for 3 years and I thought for a lifetime.
It's been a month since you told me you love someone else and you're breaking up with me. It was heartbreaking but the pain I'm experiencing then was nothing compared to what I am feeling now. Everyday brings me to a realization that we will no longer do what we used to do. We will no longer be together on the special days that we usually plan so far ahead. Valentines will be the first, then your birthday, then my birthday, and finally, our anniversary. These dates will serve as a milestone on my mission to move on. I pray that God will give me the strength to face each of these days with a positive spirit and make it less excruciating. Hopefully when September comes, I can remember you with a smile and not a tear in my eyes. I pray that God will make me miss you less and less everyday and be genuinely happy for you and the man you now love.
I love you. I still do and will continue feeling so for I don't know when. Tomorrow, while other people say these words with warmth in their hearts and caressing the face of the one they love, I am saying this with a cold heart and empty arms longing to see your face again.
Maybe I am strong. Strong enough that there is nothing I cannot do if there is a guarantee that I will have you back in the end. But there is nothing I can do to change a changed heart. No amount of tears nor words will make you look at me the same way you did 3 years ago. I wish I am a better man for you. But didn't I love you enough? Wasn't I faithful enough? Didn't I give you enough attention and time? Didn't I profess my feelings to you every moment of everyday?
Do not look at me with pity and sadness. That hurts me more than when you said goodbye the first time. In fact, don't look at me again. Because I might be tempted to look for false hopes that we can rekindle the dead embers of our passion.
I am letting you go. But please do not slap my hand if I attempt to touch your face in my dreams. Please kiss me back before I wake up and realize I am just imagining.
Just one favor. Tomorrow, on valentines, as you kiss your new love, please close your eyes and think of me for 5 seconds. Maybe that kiss, as i intended, will bring temporary comfort to this bleeding heart.
Happy valentines Mahal Ko.
~Ace
Di ko tinuloy basahin umpisa pa lang naiiyak na ko eh. Hay Sep what happened to you
DeleteAs usual, I really have to get back to this post. Honestly, this comment made me cry. I may not know you but I had felt how much you love the author and still does. You are strong, you have to be, no matter how much pain you feel every time you remember him-- coz life goes on.... When we start loving someone, we can never stop loving that someone. We learn to let go, give up and move on but we never stop loving that someone.
DeleteHe loves you too. And respects you so much that he had to be honest about things going on. Because he knows that your love needs to be returned with the same intensity and faithfulness. In fact, you deserve more.
Y o y did i read this?
DeleteAnd I cried ... I do not know you but your love for sep reminded me of how I loved someone many years ago. You weaved the words with much depth that it burst open a kept love I had. My love didn't materialize but I learned how to love myself more than anyone else. The road to healing is going to be difficult because you didn't expect things to turn against you. In my case, I accepted the fact that once I became happy. And as a consolation, I was luckier to have had the chance to experience love.
DeleteSep, I don't know you much and I wish I have your courage to speak out my thoughts to those I loved, to someone I would like to let go and to those I find an interest to be with. By being honest to Ace, you grew in maturity and opted to be more of a man rather than cheat while in a relationship. Love is forgiving and time will heal the wounds.
ngayon ko lang nabasa ito. hindi pa ako nasaktan ng todo pagdating sa puso.
Deletekung ayaw mong magsulat, so be it. bigyan mo ang sarili mo ng oras para maghilom.
pero sabi nga nung naging prof ko dati sa MA, ang pagsusulat pwede mong gawing therapy. kapag handa ka nang humarap ulit sa keyboard, go lang, hayaan mong umangat ang mga letra, lalanggasin nila ang sugatan mong puso, susubukan nilang hilumin ang sakit. :)
sa totoo lang baka wala naman akong maitutulong sayo sa ngayon. kahit ano pa siguro ang sabihin ko kung talagang masakit, e di masakit. howell..
heto na lang.
hayaan mong tanggapin ang mahigpit na yakap ko.
you need not make kwento to the Universe (the blogosphere). but there is comfort in telling one soul.
ReplyDelete